


Pink doesn't really exist and other existential truths

by bamfguy



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, BAMF Steven, Blood and Violence, Consider this the Pepperoni Timeline, Descent into Madness, Emotional Baggage, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Everyone Needs A Hug, Evil Steven Universe, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Instability, Post-Episode s05e29-32 Change Your Mind, Post-Steven Universe: The Movie, Pre-Future Canon, Pre-Steven Universe Future, Sickfic, Steven Universe Future, Steven Universe is a Diamond, Steven needs a hug, Steven-centric, Temporary Character Death, The Crystal Gems are good bros, The Diamonds are Pretty Much 50-Foot Personality Disorders but They're Trying, Trauma, White Diamond is still evil theory, Whump
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2020-12-16 14:16:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 33
Words: 113,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21037580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bamfguy/pseuds/bamfguy
Summary: When his Diamond powers suddenly begin to manifest way outside his control, 16-year old Steven Universe is forced to face the worst aspects of himself head-on, all while trying to navigate the world after happily ever after. The aftermath of Spinel's attack on Delmarva was just the beginning, as new threats from both human and gem forces alike set their sights on the Crystal Gems and Little Homeworld. In the end, establishing lasting peace across the universe may prove even more fragile than Steven could have ever imagined, especially when the biggest threat of all might just be himself.





	1. What comes after happily ever after

**Author's Note:**

> These first sets of notes are a bit of a doozy but bear with me, and they’ll prove hopefully worth the read. This is my first attempt at writing in the SU fanbase, but with the unveiling of _Steven Universe Future_ and the new opening, I found several plot bunnies starting to form in my head that demanded to be put to pen.
> 
> For the first part of the story, one of the most significant plot points will be coming from Future's sneak peek of its new line up of villains. While many people have been gravitating towards the Corrupted Steven theory, I focused on the brief but unmistakable silhouette of White Diamond as one of the potential antagonists in the upcoming series. Like many others in the fandom, I always thought that the Diamond arc concluded a bit early and seemed a little forced in Season 05. Given her incredibly controlling nature and the fact she spent millennia in her own head, I can’t help but wonder if White Diamond is as reformed as she appears to be.
> 
> Also, as someone interested in physics, I have always really liked the idea of Steven being associated with pink. You see, if we're talking about wave spectrums and about light itself, well, pink theoretically doesn’t exist. Take a rainbow, for example. Red and violet — the two colors required to make pink — are on opposite sides of the rainbow. Since the two don't naturally interact in any wavelength within the spectrum, many scientists argue that pink isn’t real. So, since our tiny little human brains can’t comprehend the color spectrum of pink, we have to come up with _something_ to fill the gap; otherwise, our brains would explode. The color pink winds up being what our minds settle on. Pink light should, in all actuality, be called “not white or minus green” because it’s all the leftover white light you get once you omit all green light. I have no idea if Rebecca Sugar and the Crewuniverse are planning on touching on this idea. Still, this fun little physics fact drove home to me the impression that Steven/Pink Diamond is an anomaly since the color itself operates outside the known light spectrum. If pink light is just "not white," then would it be that much of a stretch to think that Pink Diamond was made to be White Diamond‘s equal, in the same way that Blue and Yellow Diamond seem to be made to complement one another? If this is true, then White’s incredibly intense love/hate relationship with Pink also starts to make more sense, and it is understandable why Steven's physic powers seem to be on a level more closely on par with White's. The only difference is where White overwrites people's consciousness with her own; Steven's empathy allows him to do the opposite and connect with those consciousnesses instead. Lastly, the sheer fact that White Diamond's newly discovered flaw happens to emit pink light of all things, well, that just seems like a plot point that's screaming to be explored. 
> 
> For more information about pink light spectrums here is a link to a great video that explains it in better detail: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?reload=9&v=S9dqJRyk0YM>
> 
> And finally, for this chapter, I also want to mention that I’m addressing a few of the significant inconsistencies I felt were handled with the SU movie's wrap up. The main one is that Steven was able to completely reverse the injector's effects by merely kissing the affected ground. While I’m sure that his powers have grown immensely since _Change Your Mind, _we’ve already seen that once an injector sucks the life out of the ground that things can’t grow there. I realize that Spinel’s bio poison was different than the regular injectors that leeched the nutrients out of the earth to create gems but come on. This poison was created by a spacefaring race of conquerors whose entire existence was based on efficiently colonizing and harvesting organic materials and then sucking all the resources and life out of said planets. I feel like it’s a natural conclusion to think that a giant vat of uncut bio poison would still be incredibly potent and deadly stuff to anyone who came in contact with it. That, compounded by the fact that the Diamonds take Spinel and peace out without offering to help clean up the mess, makes me think that in reality, Steven had to work a lot harder to get things back to normal than the ending montage would have us believe.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today in Beach City: feelings ensue, being a teenage alien is complicated, new holidays are established, and the Crystal Gems have a midlife crisis.

_—Beach City— _

_71 hours and 37 minutes after the Diamonds had taken Spinel back to Homeworld…_

Steven Quartz Universe, the Crystal Gems' unofficial leader, guardian of Earth, and the youngest of the four supreme monarchs that made up the Great Diamond Authority… was pretty sure he was dying.

Well, maybe dying was being slightly dramatic here, but half-dead sounded just about right.

Almost dead.

Medium dead. Wait, was medium dead even a thing?

Distantly, he could hear his alarm blaring from the nightstand, pulling him out of unconsciousness and reminding him just how exhausted and sore he still was.

Thanks to the Crystal Gems and the new residents of Little Homeworld, Beach City was well on its way to recovering after the events of Spinel’s Injector and what it had done to the surrounding landscape. But the part of the story that most of the human residents of Beach City hadn’t witnessed was that Steven had had to unleash the Cluster a second time. It was the only way that he had been able to contain the massive amounts of bio poison surrounding Beach City. Thanks to their collective powers and inorganic nature, he was able to work with them to seal the remaining poison in a bubble underneath the earth’s mantle. The Cluster had offered to keep the poison safe, acting as a sleeping guardian to ensure it could never be used to hurt anyone else again. Like most Gems who found themselves on Earth, it hadn't taken long for the Cluster to become fond of the planet it had once been created to destroy. After taking physical form and saving the Crystal Gems from Blue and Yellow Diamond all those years ago, the collective souls of all those fragmented gems had now grown deeply protective of the earth it slept beneath, finding purpose in their newfound vigil to watch over the planet.

But like so many other instances in Steven’s life, he hated that he hadn’t been able actually to get rid of the threat to his world. Instead, he had only been able to bottle it up and keep it as far away from organic life as possible. Despite all the good that had come out of the last few days, things couldn't help but feel like the corrupted gems all over again.

Not to mention all the physical damage that still ravaged his sleepy little seaside town. It had taken days to summon the magical energy needed to produce enough tears and healing spit to undo the biological damage that had laid waste to his hometown. So after countless hours and more times kissing things than he could actually process, finally, _finally_ Beach City was starting to look like home again.

But while his tranquil little coastal town at the edge of Delmarva was on its way to looking good as new, at that moment, Steven himself felt like the human equivalent of a wrung-out dishcloth.

Even his _eyelids_ hurt at this point.

It was 7:00 am.

Cripes, hadn’t he just gone to bed what felt like seconds ago? _How_ could it possibly be morning already?

Winching his eyes shut further, Steven yanked the comforter over his head, retreating as far away from the morning light as he could. The only sign of life from his human filled blanket burrito was the single hand that snaked out towards his bedstand as he tried in vain to smack around blindly for the off button on Cookie Cat. After several moments of awkward fumbling with no luck, Steven’s handle on the English language regressed into a series of incoherent grumbling noises, and he settled for just picking up the device, yanking it out of the power outlet, and chucking it towards his closet.

He almost felt guilty for manhandling it to the extent he did, though when he heard the _pop-sizzle-hiss!_ of the alarm before it hit his wall with a dull thud, the garbled radio noises dying shortly on impact.

_"Oops"_. Steven's tired mind supplied. He hoped he hadn’t just killed Cookie for good there.

But he was just too tired to give his childhood toy all that much thought. He didn’t want to think about anything. All Steven wanted to do was sleep for the next month or so and not have to worry about destructive gems, doomsday devices, 50-foot-tall ageless space aunts, and _yes_, even the future.

He cared about all those things, he _cared_ so much about all the things! But just for a little while longer, just for a few minutes more, all he wanted to do was sleep.

The silence in his room was soothing again, so he burrowed deeper into the darkness and curled himself up further into his warm Steven shaped ball. He had almost lulled himself back to beautiful oblivion when the feeling of eyes on him pulled him up from the edge of his subconscious.

Light, nimble hands gripped the wood panels of his doorway. The presence was hesitant but also concerned, debating whether it should enter his space without permission. He could hear the shuffle of long, spindly dancer legs finally decide to take a chance as they stepped onto the hardwood floor.

In a perfectly rhythmic pitter-patter, the steps had almost reached his bed when his muffled voice called out, “S’okay. M’not gonna yell at you for watching me sleep, Pearl.” 

Even though it was all true, Steven couldn’t help but take a small sliver of guilty pleasure at the sound of her _Eep!_ in surprise at being caught.

“How in the world? How did you even know it was me?” The tall, thin gem asked incredulously as she worked to pull the covers up off her charge’s head, “And how did you manage all this?” Tugging, she was impressed he could even breathe, let alone see her in the first place, as the boy had practically embalmed himself in his sheets.

The blanket pile shrugged noncommittally but didn’t really answer or make any attempt to help her as she worked.

Pearl was about to lament to herself that maybe Steven really was becoming like most human teenagers, full of the strange, brooding human emotions Greg had warned her about. But all those thoughts fizzled out the moment she found her prize in the middle of his odd cocoon.

Instead, she found herself overcome with concern just from the mere sight of him.

“Oh Steven,” The gem tutted gently once she got a good look at him, “Why didn’t you tell us you were sick?” 

“I’m not.” The young man replied through red-rimmed eyes, and a wobbly smile, “Just tired is all. Besides, I didn’t feel that bad last night, honest Pearl. I’ll be fine.” 

Tucking the blankets gently around the boy’s shoulders, Pearl sat beside him on his bed before reaching over so she could stroke his face. “Well you don’t _look_ fine.” She stated matter of factly, before tilting his chin this way and that so she could examine him despite her limited knowledge of human biology.

A lifetime of living with the Crystal Gems had conditioned Steven not to fight Pearl when she was in information-gathering mode. “Pfft. Says you,” He joked as soon as she released him. Leaning his head against her shoulder since it felt too heavy to hold upright on his own, the black-haired boy watched with listless eyes as she continued to poke at him. “_I_ happen to think I look like a million bucks right now.” He told her as he tried to flash her his most rakish grin. 

To the surprise of no one, it fell short of hitting its mark. 

Rolling her eyes affectionately at him, Pearl moved to brush some stray curls off his forehead. She wasn’t the best expert when it came to humans, but he didn’t seem to be overheating or in the clutches of an invading pathogen.

Instead, this had all the symptoms of the last time he had overexerted his gem powers, which had really only been a few days ago when he had been attempting to get her to remember herself. It had worked, but he had come out of his fusion exhausted and on the point of collapse, his human body on the verge of damaging itself as it tried to compensate for the energy his gem side could no longer control. So it was no wonder he was exhausted. After everything he had been through the last few days, the sheer amount of energy he had used would have put a fully powered Diamond out of commission for a while. Oh, stars, why hadn’t she seen it sooner? Of course, he needed time to rejuvenate. Humans could be so fragile after all!

“Steven, you’re taking the day off to rest.” The gem announced, deliberately taking on the most nasally and maternal tone she could. "You’ve been working way too hard lately." 

Reaching out, she tried in vain to tame his even wilder than usual mop of hair as if the act of wrestling control of his curls would somehow help her get a handle on the situation. 

“I can’t, Pearl…” Steven protested weakly as tried to duck away from her hands, “I promised the Diamonds I’d check-in, and I need to talk to Mayor Nanefua about the repairs, and—”

“And then you’re going to realize that what Pearl said is absolutely right and let the rest of us take care of you. Whatever Beach City or Homeworld needs today can wait.” A third voice chimed in.

Unlike Pearl, Garnet made no hesitation to enter Steven’s room, instead simply striding across the floor with all the confidence and commanding presence the former leader of the Crystal Gems had always had.

“But guys, you don’t understand. There’s so much going on today, I can’t just _not_ show up.” Steven started before he was shushed.

“Yes, you can, dude, take a day. Take like all the days”, Amethyst added, following shortly behind Garnet. “You’ve been going non-stop on all this space diplomacy for like two years straight, saving the galaxy and dismantling the institutionalized racism of an intergalactic evil empire. And yeah, that’s great; we’re all super proud of you. But let someone else take care of this stuff for a day. The world can seriously go 24 hours without Steven Universe watching it.” 

“I’m not so sure about that.” Steven muttered under his breath, almost caught off guard by the bitterness in his voice. “I, I mean—” Backtracking, he held up a hand, horrified with himself, “I didn’t mean that.” 

Sitting on the opposite side of the bed, the shorter gem knocked Steven’s shoulder before looking him in the eyes, “Look, Steve-o, it’s okay even if you did mean it.” Hoping she could shake that miserable look out of his eyes, the purple gem continued, “You’re awesome okay? Everyone in Beach City thinks so. But let us help you out for once, alright? You don’t have to do all this by yourself; you know that, right?” 

Yeah. He did know that. He forgot it sometimes, especially lately, that he didn’t have to be Steven Universe, the savior of the galaxy with these guys. He didn’t even have to be the leader of the Crystal Gems here.

This was his family; to them, he could just be Steven.

It had been a really long time since he could just be Steven.

He was a little afraid his voice would hitch if he answered her outright, so Steven just nodded and sunk into his blankets a little more.

“Besides, I’m just going to be the one to say it here, but you look _awful _buddy.” Amethyst chided, breaking up their touching moment, “I mean, you looked bad from the doorway, but now that I can actually see you up close, you look even worse. Like a zombie burrito made from Steven parts.” 

“I’m sorry, but if burritos aren’t alive, how can they be zombified?” Pearl asked as the ever-present voice of reason.

“UUUUGGGH. I dunno; it’s the Steven part that’s zombified, not the burrito part. Quit trying to use logic here and just appreciate my beautiful metaphor.” Amethyst groaned, shooting Pearl a look.

“Yes, exactly! Steven Burritos.” Garnet suddenly injected, chiming in for the first time in an awhile as she became a blur of motion.

“Wait, whaat?” Was all Amethyst could say as the trio watched their former leader move to Steven’s desk, shuffling papers around until she had located his desk calendar from behind one of several framed pictures of Connie.

Grabbing a pen, Garnet quickly wrote something down in his day planner. In bold, charismatic handwriting, the words _Burrito Steven Day_ had been written across today’s date, “Look, it’s official, Steven.” Garnet explained, shoving it inches from his face, “According to this, it’s Burrito Steven Day. On this day, it’s mandatory that all Stevens must stay in their blanket burritos and rest. The only thing that a Steven can do for the next 24 hours is to nap, relax, and possibly watch reruns of bad tv shows until Burrito Steven Day has passed.” Ruffling his hair with one hand, she used the other to shrug, “I’m sorry, but it’s the rules. It looks like our hands are tied.” 

A laugh bubbled out of Steven despite himself. This was hands down probably the corniest thing Garnet had come up with in years. The whole thing was ridiculous, stupid, even! No one was going to buy an explanation like that and be okay with it. But he also knew this was precisely the kind of hare-brained thinking that his younger self would have bought into hook, line, and sinker. As weird as that was, it was almost _nice_ to be treated like a little kid for a minute.

“C’mon, guys, seriously. I appreciate you being worried about me, but I’m fine.” Steven started again, attempting to rise before the fusion’s gauntlet hand reached out to stop him from getting off the bed.

“No, that’s not acceptable. In fact, the only acceptable words to come out of your mouth in the next five minutes are going to be, ‘What a wonderful idea, Garnet. Why I love Burrito Steven Day!’ and then you’re going to go back to bed.” The enigmatic gem stated as seriously as if she were declaring war.

Awkward silence filled the air as Steven raised an eyebrow at her and shot her a look that only a teenager could pull off. 

“Any minute now, Steven, it’s gonna happen. You might as well just give in because remember... _Future Vision_.” She reiterated as if that alone explained everything. Dramatically putting a hand on her glasses, the fusion tilted them just so until the light shot off them in a dynamic glare.

That did it. Letting out a snort, his grimace broke, and Steven couldn’t help the small chuckle that belted out. It hurt, though, and the sound mostly caught in his throat. Garnet was still watching him, waiting patiently for the boy to concede the fight and let them help him. But this kind gesture of hers was making his skin feel too tight, and suddenly the room didn’t seem to have enough oxygen in it.

“I want to. I _want_ to rest.” He finally admitted. Dropping his eyes to the floor, he knew that if he tried looking at any of them right now that the youth was going to lose whatever little cool he had left, “But I can’t do it; I can’t. So many people are depending on me.” 

“They’ll get over it, dude. And anyone who doesn’t can take it up with me.” Amethyst seethed angrily, although it was obvious none of it was directed at him. “It’s just one day. Pretend you don’t have to be Steven Universe today, be Burrito Steven instead.” Getting quiet, she balled her fists and murmured, “I hate that you always feel like you have to carry the fate of the galaxy on your shoulders.” 

_"But I **am** carrying it, I am."_ Steven wanted to reply, but he was still having a hard time finding his voice.

Burying his face in hands instead, the only thing the teenage boy could do was let out a wet laugh.

So much good had happened along with the bad over the last few days, which was why there was no reason for him to be upset here. He just couldn’t understand why he was feeling this way. Sure Spinel had almost destroyed humanity, but because of her, Steven had woken up to the realization that happily ever after wasn’t real. He had even managed to make a new friend in the sad, wounded playmate that his mother had so carelessly left behind. Helping Spinel get a new lease on life and introducing her to the Diamonds was a real step towards healing for all of them. The Diamonds could love Spinel and understand her on a level he never could. And together, Spinel and the Homeworld matriarchs could celebrate his mother while also mourning her together, without continually suffocating him with Pink Diamond’s memory. He should be really happy about that, right? It was great, right? Everyone had learned so much! Happily ever after was a bust, sure, but hey, at least they still had the future. And Steven had walked away from experience with a newfound respect for how important change was, how he always needed to remember to keep growing. So it was okay if that meant that he would always have work to do, it was okay that his mother’s shadow might always be chasing him—it was okay that no matter how much good he put in the world, he still seemed to always pay for someone else’s mistakes.

He was even okay with the fact that every time he thought he finally understood his mother, that she _somehow_ just kept managing to either horrify him or disappoint him.

_He was fine, he was fine, he was fine, he was fine, he was fine, he was fine._

So why was he crying then?

"Huh?" He choked out in genuine surprise as several large crocodile sized tears spilled down his cheeks and onto the floor. Despite all his self-control over the last few days, for some reason, his body was reacting all on its own now; he couldn’t control anything that was happening, “I—I don’t understand, I—” 

Unable to stand it a second longer, the Gems didn’t let him finish. The three of them were on top of him in an instant, crushing Steven against a barrage of different body parts.

It was hard to breathe as he was smushed against an uncomfortable ball of limbs, shoved together on a bad way too small for the four of them to fit properly. But despite that, the gems were warm and real, reminding him that Steven didn't have to do this alone. Letting out a small shudder, the boy's willpower finally broke, and he let himself surrender. His family was holding him together, so it was okay if he allowed himself to fall apart, if only for a minute or two.

He wasn’t sure how long they all sat there, but after what seemed like days, Steven was finally all cried out. It felt like if he shed another tear, healing or not, that he was going to shrivel up and blow away. But at the same time, his heart felt strangely lighter somehow too.

Gently breaking from the Gems’ embrace, he couldn’t help feeling flustered now that he had finally calmed down enough to be embarrassed. Sensitive or not, Steven was still a teenage boy after all, and anyone who called themselves the leader of a ragtag group of intergalactic revolutionaries knew crying like a baby just because it had been a rough couple of days wasn't exactly a good look.

“M’sorry guys,” Were the only words he could finally settle on before he slunk out of bed. “...thanks, though. For this.” 

“Steven, where are you going?” Pearl asked, concerned when she found he still wouldn’t look at any of them.

“I’m just going to wash my face.” The boy replied, finally meeting her gaze so he could give her a flimsy smile. It was a far cry from his normal megawatt grin, but at least the light had finally started to come back to his eyes. “It’s Burrito Steven Day, isn’t it? So I need to do a few things before settling in for the long haul.” 

Letting out a whooping cry, Amethyst pumped her fist in the air, “YASSS! Burrito Steven Day is a go! I’m gonna go stock up on snacks! And we should totally watch that new 'Lonely Sword' boxset Connie bought you, don’t think I haven’t noticed you keeping that all to yourself.” 

“Yeah, I was sort of saving it for Connie, and I’s next sleepover.” Steven said shyly, “But I think under the circumstances that she won’t mind if we watch it without her. I’ll bring the TV downstairs and pull out the couch. My bed is a little small for all of us to fit.” Looking at Pearl and Garnet, he hesitated, “Well, I mean, unless you guys have other things to do.” 

“Of course, we’re staying. What’s the point of Burrito Steven Day if you don’t have a Steven to celebrate with?” Pearl reassured him with a watery smile of her own, relief swimming in her eyes now that he was finally letting them help him.

Also wanting to show her agreement, Garnet turned and flashed the young man one of her trademark thumb ups on cue. 

Ducking his head in a self-conscious nod, that was all Steven needed to hear. He moved downstairs towards the bathroom, setting the Gems sweeping off into different directions to accomplish their designated tasks.

“Alright, I’ll call the Mayor and let her know Steven needs to reschedule.” Pearl exclaimed, holding up her phone, “Garnet, will you let the Diamonds know he’ll be unavailable for the rest of the day?” 

“Yeah, I suppose.” Garnet said evenly, although anyone who knew her could feel the animosity in that casual tone. The Diamonds and Crystal Gems had developed a grudging truce over the years for Steven’s sake, but the distrust and wounds of the past still held fast. Garnet had no love for the Diamonds, and even after two years, her relationship with Rose Quartz was complicated and still on rocky ground. The only thing that kept her in the game was the fact that Steven himself was a diamond, and for that reason and that reason alone, she would deal with the terrible politics of Homeworld.

“_Please_ be diplomatic about it, Garnet.” Steven called from inside the bathroom. “You just have to call their pearls and keep it short and sweet. Tell them something came up and that I’ll be sure to call them first thing tomorrow.” 

“Right. Short and sweet.” The fusion agreed, marching off towards the task at hand with a newfound laser focus. “I can do short and sweet.” 

They could all hear her repeating herself as she made the trek out of Steven’s room and up the back stairs towards Bismuth’s newly installed conservatory. It was fine; it was fine! Garnet had become slightly better at the art of conversation over the last few years. But still, Steven couldn’t help but be a little worried about the fact she was hyper-focusing on the short part of his request and not the diplomatic part. After all, it wasn’t like one bad phone call to the diamonds was enough to set off an intergalactic war or something, right? _"Er, right?"_ Shoving his head under the cold water tap, he tried to shake off that terrifying thought. _"Yeeesh, how about enough of that! Let’s not tempt fate here, Universe."_

* * *

_Ten minutes later…_

Messages sent to various leaders, snacks procured, faces washed and tv set up, the Crystal Gems stood next to the couch cushions which had been spilled unceremoniously on the floor and rearranged into a haphazard fort. Pulling several blankets out of storage and grabbing the duvet from his bed, Steven tentatively sat down in the middle and got comfortable.

The three aliens waited until he was settled in before Pearl reached out and gently touched the top of his shoulder.

“Room for three more?” She asked softly.

Smiling at her like she hung the moon in the sky, Steven gave them his usual answer, “Always.” 

And so, they piled on in, Pearl and Garnet making themselves at home against both of Steven’s sides, while Amethyst partially sprawled against his legs so she could monopolize the bottom half of the cushions all to herself. They popped in the first DVD of 'Lonely Blade' into the player, but it became apparent after the first fifteen minutes that no one was really watching the screen.

Teenage stubbornness and the fact he was interested in the story was the only reason Steven was awake at all. But despite his best efforts, the half-gem was fading fast.

While the trio wasn’t organic, they still had a temperature of sorts. Even if they didn’t have physical bodies in the same sense Steven himself did, the light surrounding their gems always radiated a gentle heat. With the three of them so close to him, it would have been hard not to be sleepy even if he hadn’t been so dead tired.

The boy had almost nodded off for the fifth time since they had settled down when a loud battle noise on-screen jolted him awake. Blearily trying to re-focus on the plot, he straightened his back out and pulled himself into something that might have resembled a sitting position.

“Shhh, it’s okay.” Pearl said softly, snaking one of her arms affectionately around his and laying her palm to rest against the top of his hand. “Sleep if you need to. We’ll be right here when you wake up.” 

After almost losing them nearly 72 hours before this, it was ridiculous how comforting that realization was.

“Thanks.” He said quietly, allowing his head to drop against Garnet’s lap. The formidable gem sat in silence, purposely not moving a muscle as Steven’s eyelids drooped before finally closing shut for good. His head lulled against her thigh, getting heavier as sleep loosened his limbs, and his breathing deepened. It only took a few minutes before the boy’s heart rate slowed, and his body went slack as he fell into a deep and exhausted sleep.

Putting a hand on his head, Garnet raked through the boy’s thick curls as he continued to sleep. He didn’t stir at the touch, as the fight had bled entirely out of him now that he had succumbed to his body’s desperate need to recharge. It was funny, the fusion mused, how organics could just go from being so animated one minute and then to fall into an inactive stasis the next. She could suddenly understand the fascination Pearl had with watching him sleep sometimes. Humans were such interesting creatures, even when they were lying perfectly still.

Or maybe that was just Steven.

Charming and endearing without even meaning to be.

It was hard to imagine this Steven was the same person as the roly-poly little boy who had been so desperate to live up to his mother’s legacy so many years ago. Now Steven Universe was the Crystal Gems leader, the unofficial representative of Little Homeworld, and the youngest member of the Great Diamond Authority. He was a leader who loved everyone, and so was loved by everyone. A boy who used empathy and understanding to inspire people to his cause. A commander who asked his people to fight _with_ him and not for him. He had even convinced a pack of immortal dictators to go against thousands of years of reinforced beliefs in order to reconstruct a new society and disassemble a once-unstoppable empire. And he had done it all through the power of love.

“Yo G, you should make up fake holidays more often,” Amethyst said, breaking the silence. Taking in Steven’s sleeping face, the little gem was filled with disgusting amounts of affection for him. “It looks like Little Man needed this.” 

“I think we all did.” Garnet said truthfully.

“He’s getting so big,” Pearl muttered wistfully, stroking the skin around the young man’s hand, “I’m not sure how much longer we’re going to be able to do this.” Sixteen years old, and he was already just a few inches shorter than she was. At the rate Steven was growing, he would probably even be taller than his father by the end of the year. His compact little body had transformed into this new stockier build, and he was now a combination of broad shoulders, long, toned limbs, and a barrel-shaped chest that hid its powerful musculature under a soft layer of baby fat.

There was something almost akin to grief in Pearl’s voice as she admitted, “For so many years, he was so afraid that he wouldn’t get to experience what it would be like to age at the same rate other humans did. But now that it’s happening, now that he _is_ growing up, _I’m_ the one that’s not ready for it. I know that Rose always said that the wonderful thing about humans is their capacity for change, but what if changing means—” 

“That he goes away?” Amethyst answered for her, hugging her knees sullenly. It was silent for a few moments as the Gems mulled over that looming reality. “Yeah... you aren’t the only one who’s thought about what it means that he’s getting bigger, P.” The purple gem sighed, “I mean, he’s already saved the universe; the Crystal Gems don’t even_ have_ a war to fight anymore. Nothing is holding Steven back from being a normal human; ya know if that’s what he decides he wants to do.” 

It was true. If they were going purely by human biology and Delmarva's earth customs, they had less than two years with Steven before he became an adult. And two years was like two seconds in the eyes of a Gem.

“If that does happen, then we take it like Gems and do what’s best for Steven. It’s _always_ been about Steven,” Garnet stated matter of factly. Shifting the gem moved so that she could redistribute the exhausted teenager’s weight better and make sure he wasn’t at risk of hurting his neck later on. Steven made a small snuffling noise as he was repositioned but then stilled right after. As a little boy, he had always relied on Garnet to be his rock, so to speak. So the gem hated feeling like she had failed him utterly today.

“We have to do better. We all have to _be_ better to make sure we never see him like this again.” The fusion said as calmly as she could, though there was badly contained rage coloring each word, “I don’t understand how I could have let this happen. But _ I_ couldn’t _see_ how miserable he was. I didn’t see him breaking until it was already happening. My future vision was useless in this situation!” Almost desperate for an answer, she muttered, “How could we all have not seen just how much he’s been hurting?!” 

“You’re right.” Pearl admitted, looking at Garnet and then Amethyst, “I know you’re right. But what can we do? How do we fix this?” 

“He’s under too much pressure. Everyone has been asking way too much from him. Steven needs to be able to have a life, a _human_ life.” Garnet reasoned, “That’s where we start. We need to start putting his human needs; first, we’re all to blame for treating him too much like a Gem all the time. And if we love him, if we really love him, then we need to be better than Rose was; we need to better than the Diamonds are. We can’t let this happen ever again, even if it means we need to be prepared for the worst eventuality of all.” 

“What’s that?” Amethyst was almost afraid to ask.

“Oh, there’s too many to name! What if we won’t always be able to protect him? What if he ends up going off somewhere where we can’t follow?” Pearl choked, voicing every horrible possibility. “There’s just, so _many_ things outside of our control now. Are we completely fooling ourselves into thinking that we can fix any of this for him?” 

The one lifeline that kept the pearl from regressing into tears was the human hand beneath hers, but even that was so different. Those chubby little fingers that used to fit so snugly in between her own, when had they gotten so big? Now there was strength in those digits she didn’t recognize, along with calluses that had appeared seemingly overnight. Everything was changing so fast; the future was coming at them too quickly. She couldn’t keep up with any of it. 

“Oh Garnet, Amethyst..." Pearl keened, “How do we stop any of this from hurting him when it feels like he’s outgrowing all of _us_ too?” 

_To be continued… _


	2. Diamond’s aren’t always a boy’s best friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today Steven has a cathartic and slightly dramatic confrontation with some of the ghosts of his past.

_—Rose’s Dimension—_

Distantly, Steven could make out two flowering dogwood trees on opposite corners of the horizon. Their ornamental flowers rustled in the mid-afternoon breeze, dancing in suit alongside an ocean of pink grass that made up the dimension that had once belonged to Rose Quartz. Taking a small breath in through his nose, Steven knew he was dreaming the minute he was able to pull air into his lungs. While always accessible to him, this place wasn’t exactly a world that completely belonged to him either. 

Yes, he may have added to it, and he’d even go so far as to say he held a part of it for himself now, but at the end of the day, it was still mostly hers.

Why was he dreaming of here of all places? 

Suddenly, from the corner of his eye, he saw movement beside his mom’s tree. The island Rose Quartz created seemed to somehow sigh and fray in the corners before a figure appeared at the edge of it, almost bigger than the tree itself. 

It was a person he recognized instantly.

From her bubblegum pink, fluffy locks to the white pom poms of her slippers, his mother somehow managed to be both towering and petite all at the same time. Pink Diamond touched the petals of an outstretched branch tenderly, leaning against the bark of her tree like it was an old friend. 

Even from the large distance between them, and even though Steven couldn’t see her face, he still somehow knew she was watching him.

Waiting for him. 

Swallowing a lump in his throat, he cut through the tall grass and made the slow descent towards her. There were so many emotions churning inside him right now that the half-gem was really glad this was a dream, or else he might have puked. Steven had so many things he wanted to tell her, though. And he had so many things that he needed to ask her as well. 

Shoving his hands in his jacket pockets so she couldn’t see his nervous finger twitches, the boy's mind was all over the place.

Was it weird how small Mom’s collection of treasures looked compared to her true form? Was it bad that he couldn’t help but compare the sight of it to seeing a little girl standing next to dollhouse miniatures? Oh no! Was it even worse that now the thought of her and toys suddenly brought back horrible feelings about what had happened to Spinel, and he was back to feeling sick again?

Once he made it directly to the opposite side of the tree’s trunk, Steven tried to swallow the butterflies careening in his stomach and smiled up at her hopefully.

But to his surprise, Pink Diamond made absolutely no effort to move or face him. Instead, she seemed to be actively ignoring him.

Seconds turned into minutes, and well while the minutes didn’t exactly turn into anything higher, he couldn’t understand _why_ she was giving him the cold shoulder. They finally had a chance to talk, and yet Mom wouldn’t take a single step out of the shadows to greet him. In fact, she wouldn’t even look at him!

Taking a shaky breath, the boy steeled himself against the hurt feelings pooling up inside him and decided to bridge the distance between them himself. “Mom!” He called, reaching out to her and almost catching the small of her palm, “It’s me; it’s Steven—” But the words died on his lips when Pink Diamond jerked her hand back as if touching him was repugnant. 

"Mom?" Steven choked, the shock of her rejection slamming into him like a kick to the gut. “What are you—I don’t... I don’t _understand_." 

Taking another step forward, Steven quickly found that she immediately took a step back. 

The motion repeated each time he moved, the two of them acting like magnets on opposite charges, both fated to repel one another.

Why was she doing this? What kind of horrible game was this?

_ Horrible... game? Was that really what this was? _

“No.” Came a small bitter voice from seemingly nowhere. 

It took a moment before Steven realized with a start that the person who had been speaking was himself. 

The anger in his voice shocked him at first, but something about all this, something about the way she was standing there, hiding her face coyly in the branches like this was _hide and seek_—it made his insides boil.

“No!” He repeated, his voice breaking off into a quiver at the end. “I’m not playing games with you, Mom!” 

That of all things seemed to do something. Eyes widening, Pink put a hand up to her mouth in shock, seemingly amazed the normally sweet-tempered boy was speaking to her like this.

“What are you doing?” Steven demanded, "What _is_ this?" 

Getting more and more frustrated with each passing second, his breathing was coming out in sharp drags at this point, “Why won’t you say anything?!” 

But Pink Diamond only continued to stare him down silently.

It ate at Steven, the callousness in those pink eyes, the blankness stretched across her pretty face. She seemed so indifferent to everything, and he suddenly found himself _hating_ her at that moment. All of the repressed rage that he had been blocking out for years suddenly found itself coursing through his insides with an intensity that almost frightened him.

Well, if she wouldn’t talk, then fine. He had plenty to say for both of them! 

“You, you’re horrible. You know that, right?” The boy declared, “And _every time_ I think I finally understand who you really are, you make me realize that I don’t you know at all.” Swiping away at angry tears with his jacket sleeve Steven let it all spill out.

“You know, I’ve tried to understand you; I’ve tried so hard. But I just can’t keep trying anymore. I understand that the Diamonds hurt you, I know about all the terrible things they did to you, but you really hurt them too. You made them mourn you for 5,000 years. The fact you didn’t even think twice about what their grief would do to the planet caused all the gem corruption on earth. And that’s just the _least_ of the terrible things you’ve done recently!” 

Now that the dam on his repressed emotions had finally broken loose, Steven couldn’t stop himself even if he wanted to. Every ugly thought he had ever had about her was pouring out of his mouth like acid.

“How could you just leave Spinel in the garden?" He snarled, "Didn’t you have _any_ idea about what that would do to her? About how lost she was without you?!” 

“And what about Pearl? How could you just order her to keep your secret like that? Pearl was your friend; you should have just _ trusted _ her to keep it! She loves you so much, even after all this time! Pearl would have died before she would have ever betrayed your trust like that. Instead, you just made her carry that burden all alone; you acted like you really thought she was your equal—like you guys were friends! And then the one time she needed you actually to prove it to her, you used your authority as a Diamond t-to—agh!” 

Panting, Steven had to stop to breathe and wipe some spittle off his chin. At the rate he was going, the kid would lose his voice soon if he kept screaming at the volume he was. But what else could he do when she was standing there looking at him like she was _bored!_

Gritting his teeth, he couldn’t even finish that last sentence, turning the conversation towards his crippling feelings of inadequacy instead, “For years now, everyone’s told me how wonderful and good you are. Even now, so many people miss you every day, they still see you in everything, they still see _you _instead of _me_!” 

“The Diamonds, Dad, everyone... you meant so much to them. I used to wonder if everyone would have been better off if you were the one here instead of me. But you aren’t the good person they said you were, are you? You just kept treating the people who care about you like they’re playthings. Like they’re toys... Spinel, Pearl... they loved you so much, and you acted like they weren’t even real. Like they didn’t even have _feelings_...”

Burnt out and feeling about as hollow as over baked pottery, he still choked out his next question even though he was terrified of the answer, “In the end, is that how you saw Dad too? Was he just another fun toy to you? Did you even care about him at all?” 

Silence.

Anger spiraled into grief, grief spun back into anger. Curling in on himself, Steven tried to hide the racking sob that shook through his body even as he screamed, "WHY WON'T YOU JUST _SAY_ SOMETHING?!" 

Silence. Empty indifferent silence.

It was ages before the half-gem felt like he had the physical or emotional energy to lift his head back up. This horrible silence was killing him. 

Eyes widening in shock once he opened them, Steven let out a small gasp as he realized Pink Diamond was suddenly right above him. Her giant hand was outstretched for him, those heavily lashed eyes of hers full of unshed tears as his mom tried and failed to close the space between them. But Pink was frozen in place, her body rooted to the border of the dogwood tree as if there was some unknown force more significant than both of them keeping her entrenched to where she stood.

She was trying to comfort him? Even after all those terrible things he had said? 

Oh. Oh _God_.

So that was what was going on.

“You _can’t_ answer me… can you?” Steven finally realized.

The phantom of his mother continued to stand just beyond his reach. Tears slid freely down her heart-shaped face, and even in the deafening silence, Pink Diamond finally looked more like the women he had seen from other people's memories. It was already too late, though... he had figured it all out.

Rising to his feet, Steven hated how small he felt in this moment, especially when Pink Diamond’s height had nothing to do with why he felt so little inside.

She met his gaze with a sad expression, pink lips pursed in an echoing stillness he had come to anticipate.

“You aren’t here at all right now, are you, Mom? You’re just another part of the dream.” Steven said quietly, “I wanted to talk to you so badly; I made you up.” 

The only reply he got was more of nothing. 

Now that he could finally see what she really was, it was all so obvious. Of course, she wasn’t real... what had he expected? Just like the Rose Quartz he had summoned up in his mother’s room all those years ago, this was just another example of his empathic powers giving his wishful thinking a physical form.

“I’m so sorry." That was all the teenager could think to say. "It was really unfair of me to put all this on you when you can’t even be here to defend yourself, huh?” 

With a resigned sigh, he let some of the anger bleed out of him. Deep down, he knew that he had to find a better outlet for his rage than yelling at clouds or any other immaterial object that just happened to take his mother’s form. But voicing the ugly thoughts in his head, bringing them to light even if he would never be able to say it to the real Pink Diamond, was satisfying. He had locked these feelings away for so long, afraid that if he openly expressed them that he’d hurt the Gems and his dad. So much so that he hadn’t even realized how much bottling up all this in was bothering him.

_This_ had been the real reason he was so tired, why he had felt so horrible despite things with Spinel turning out for the better.

Now that he could finally process where some of this lingering pain was coming from, now that he could admit that it was real, maybe somewhere down the road (even if it wasn’t today), Steven could finally find the strength to forgive her too.

Reaching down to touch his stomach, the boy ran a palm across his gem. The light reflected off the gem’s bright surface, his mother’s diamond warm against his skin, just like it always was.

_Steven, we can’t both exist. I’m going to become half of you. And I need you to know that every moment you love being yourself, that’s me, loving you and loving being you. Because you’re going to be something extraordinary. You’re going to be a human being._ Those words still carried the same meaning for him that they had every day since he had first heard them.

“I... I love you, Mom.” 

Despite everything, that was still so true.

“I’ll always love you. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. But I just don’t think I’ll ever understand you. Everything you’ve done, now that it’s all out in the open... it just seems so _alien_ to me. And that’s coming from a guy who was literally raised by three of them. The way you do things, it goes against everything the Gems ever taught me about truth, love, and friendship...” 

Shaking his head as if it were some great mystery, Steven mused, “It's just that Pearl, Amethyst, Garnet they always used to tell me that they learned the best things about love from _you_. But if that’s true, why did you do all those terrible things? Why did you have to go and be so wonderful despite all that? Maybe—maybe I’ll never get the answers I’m looking for.” 

Closing his eyes, he came to a stark realization, “Maybe the truth is you didn’t know either.” 

And just like that, as if a magical spell had been broken, the fake Pink Diamond’s body began to collapse under those words, withering away into a massive pile of dogwood flowers.

Steven's realization also meant that whatever hold the dream had had on him was gone now as well, causing the landscape to pull away, as reality twisted this fake universe inside and out. 

In a whirlwind, everything was collapsing in on itself, and distantly Steven could already feel his consciousness start to pull him back towards the real world.

But he still had one last thing to say to her before he went.

“Pink Diamond!” Steven called out to her, opening both arms wide in a hug he knew she would never be able to return. 

“I love you!” He shouted with all the conviction he could muster, as her island began to tear away and fall into the inky oblivion, “But I don’t want to be like you anymore. I know that you gave up your life so I could be born. I know that a lot of people out there still miss you, that some of them still see you instead of me. There might even come a time when one of those people tries to kill me again. But this life that you gave to me, it’s mine, it’s mine now and not yours. So I get to live it; however, I want to.” 

Maybe it was more wishful thinking on his part, but just before the last of her body disappeared into a thousand brilliant pink flower petals, Steven could have sworn he saw her whisper something before fading away. 

Whatever Pink had said, Steven wondered if it had been something lovely. He wondered if it had been something flawed. Either one of those things still would have been just like Pink Diamond...

But that didn’t mean _he_ had to be.

Because Steven had reached the part of the journey where he didn’t have to fight to be everything that everyone wanted him to be when he was grown.

As a child, Steven had been too afraid to embrace the idea; after Spinel, he had been unsure if he even was worthy of the possibility at all.

Now, at this moment, he didn’t feel conflicted at all. 

His mothers powers were _his _now. Their family, their friends, the people of Beach City, they were all _his_ now, and it was his job to take care of them from now on, which was exactly what he was going to do. He would make sure they never questioned for even a minute just how much he loved them. Steven was never going to make the same mistakes she had.

The future was his.

_To be continued…_


	3. Therapy hour with Mr. Universe

Greg Universe was having a really strange day.

Shortly after noon, he had received three text messages from each of the Crystal Gems.

Garnet had let him know that Steven was feeling under the weather. Which while it concerned him, it sadly didn’t surprise Greg. His Schtu-ball had really been burning the wick at both ends the last few days. And the little guy had always had a bad habit of spreading himself too thin during a crisis. It was the unfortunate crescendo to a ballad Steven Universe had been playing for most of his life.

They were seriously going to need to work on his self-destructive streak though, Greg wasn’t getting any younger, and Steven’s latest antics weren’t exactly good for his heart.

Mr. Universe’s cardiomyopathy aside, though, at least Schtu-ball was plucky, and his Gem half usually made sure that he never stayed down for long. 

Not too long after Garnet’s message, Pearl had followed suit by asking Greg if he could bring over food for Steven that didn’t come from a pizza box or deep fryer.

Ten minutes after that, Amethyst sent him a string of emoji containing a teardrop, a ghost, and an eggplant.

Greg had no idea what to do with that one.

So, as soon as there was a break in his regular customers, the grubby looking millionaire closed up the carwash early for the day before stopping by the corner market to pick up a frozen lasagna and a head of lettuce (which totally counted as a vegetable, thank you very much, Pearl).

Pulling back the Beach House’s screen door, Greg was more than prepared to assume his daddy duties of nursing a sick kid.

What he wasn’t expecting was the Gems huddled around said kid like mourners at a wake.

“Uh… hello?” He announced to the dimly lit gloomy room. “I got here as quickly as I could.” 

“Oh _Greg!_” Came the garbled wail of what might have been Pearl from the far corner of the couch. Only she could stretch his name into six syllables like that without even needing to take a breath of air.

“Whoa, whoa!” He tried to assure her, leaving his grocery bags on the floor, “Hey, take it easy. What’s going on here? Oh God, is it Steven? Is it bad? Do I need to get Dr. Maheswaran?!” 

Pearl made a series of noises that could have been words, but Greg sort of doubted it. Instead, they were the sounds she just _made _sometimes, especially when she was trying not to cry.

The gem’s eyes were these vast, wet labyrinths, and her pointed nose was beginning to unconsciously drip whatever it was gem’s dripped since they weren’t exactly organic. It all but defied the laws of physics, considering the Gems were supposed to be projections of light.

Offering her some of the napkins he still had in his pocket from the gas station hotdog he had bought for lunch, Greg could only try to calm her down. “Don’t cry. C'mon guys, talk to me. What can I do to help?” He asked earnestly.

“Okay, so Steven had a really bad day,” Amethyst answered instead, her voice rushed and child-like, which usually only happened when she was upset. “So we tried to make him a Steven burrito, but he wasn’t going for it. Then before we could do anything, he starts crying. It was horrible; he looked so little and broken—but we took care of him, Greg, we had his back just like we always do. So then after that, there was _Lonely Blade_, but no one was really watching it, but at least we were finally able to get Little Man to lie down and rest. We thought everything was good, but then after sitting here with him for a while, we started realizing all this stuff—all this _really_ bad stuff.” Trailing off the little gem was making a lot less sense than usual as she finished, “Don’t you get it? We’re TERRIBLE at this. None of us know how to fix it!” 

Oh boy, that really… didn’t explain anything.

Now that his eyes were beginning to adjust to the dark, Greg could slightly make out the form of his son sleeping soundly between the three of them.

Steven was out cold; the only signs of life coming from him at all was a soft wheeze that was way too bone-weary even to be considered snoring, along with the rhythmic rise and fall of the boy’s chest.

_Poor Schtu-ball…_

Greg’s heart couldn’t help but hurt at the mere sight of him. The kid looked even worse for the wear than his old man had imagined.

Normally, Steven was the lifeblood of this house, so it was really no wonder the Gems were this upset.

“It’s okay. We’ll get through this.” He promised them, “Now why don’t you all just take a deep breath and start at the beginning?” 

_Twenty minutes later…_

“… That’s it?”

Glaring at the human as if he had just sprouted another head, the Gems obviously didn’t find the situation as harmless as Greg did.

Backtracking the older Universe held up two oven mitted hands in surrender.

“I mean, well I’m not saying _‘that’s it’_ like it’s a bad thing but—” Scratching his head with his dominant hand’s now fluffy fabric top, Greg was quickly struggling to find the words to save this, “I guess what I’m trying to say is… er, welcome to parenting?” 

The seven eyes staring him down told Greg he was still skating on thin ice.

Putting the lasagna back in the oven after removing the tinfoil lid, the man sat down on one of the island barstools and tried to explain himself better. “You guys really think you’re the first people to freak out with the realization that your little boy’s getting older?” Greg gave them a kind but slightly chastising grin as he wiped some marinara sauce off his rumpled t-shirt, “Sorry, ladies, but every parent on the _planet_ has done that. Multiple times even.” 

“So you aren’t worried about everything changing then?” Amethyst asked from her spot on the countertop. She was crouched in on herself, all jagged angles, hunched shoulders, and sulking eyes. “It doesn’t bother you at all that Steven might outgrow all this and go _away_? What happens if something bad happens to him and we’re not there to protect him anymore?!” 

“Of course I worry about all those things!” The washed-out rockstar answered honestly, “But Steven outgrew whatever a regular old guy like me could do ages ago. I’m always worried about something hurting him, but I’ve also made peace with the fact that he’s not just mine anymore.” 

As a self-conscious smile broke across his face, Greg explained, “I knew from the start that Steven was going to be too special to keep all to myself, so I had to learn a long time ago that the best thing I could do for him was to share him with all of you, share him with the world. Sometimes that’s all you can do as a parent. Your kids find ways to break your heart a million times a day, but if you’re able to send them off into the world with the knowledge that they’ll be alright without you, then you did your job.” 

“Well, that may be easy for humans to do, but that’s not— we don’t, that’s just not how…” Pearl was having a hard time finding the right words. “That’s just not how _we’re_ built to function, Greg.”

Squeezing his friend’s hand, Greg tried his best to reassure her that it was all going to be okay.

“Listen, guys,” He asked after a moment of silence, “Has _Steven_ told any of you that he’s leaving?” 

When no one answered, the boy’s father took it as an excuse to just run with things.

“Okay then. So will you take it from the guy who’s known that he’s been fourth place in his own kid’s heart since the first time the little man laid eyes on you? Schtu-ball loves the three of you more than anything else in this universe. Maybe before you start making all these weird plans for his sudden dramatic exit out of your lives, why don’t you just talk to him?” 

It was an eerie and almost supernatural state of events when Greg Universe had to be the voice of reason in the room.

“I know I may not be the smartest guy around, but I think I know my son pretty well.” He said with an easy shrug, “So can you trust me here when I tell you that the things Steven wants aren’t off in some distant land, thousands of light-years away from everything he knows? The things nearest and dearest to him are all right here, standing in this kitchen, watching me burn pasta.” 

“Look at that,” Garnet said in a revered tone, the only one of the trio that hadn’t moved an inch since the older Universe’s arrival. Still rooted in the same place she had been for several hours now, the fusion remained loyal to her station as Steven’s current pillow. The only sign of movement at all was that of her hand, nestled gently on the unconscious teen’s curly head. Lifting her gaze to meet his head on the mysterious gem commended him. “You did it, Greg. You said you’d fix our problem, and you did.” 

Letting out a soft chuckle, Pearl couldn’t help but echo Garnet’s sentiment. “She’s right; you really did. When did you get to be so smart, Greg Universe?” The gem asked, giving an affectionate smile to her most complicated yet strangely congruous friend. 

Scratching his chin, Greg pondered that honestly for a few seconds. “Well, it was probably somewhere in between giving up my singing career and letting my son become prince of an all-female race of Amazonian supercomputers.” 

_To be continued…_


	4. system:\startms-settings:update-action

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pink Diamond firmware ready for advanced settings update. Proceed with installation? Y/N

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Scientists believe that consciousness depends on the constant transmission of chemical signals from the brainstem and thalamus to the cerebrum. These areas are connected by neural pathways called the Reticular Activating System (RAS). So, interruptions to these messages can put someone into an altered state of consciousness. Now bear with me as I’m using really hand-wavy tv anatomy here. Still, since Steven can’t exactly poof or go into his gem to do all the things other Gems can, I think his brain overcompensates for that by utilizing his thalamus to springboard his powers and put those RAS to work like nothing else. That’s why a lot of his psychic abilities manifest when he’s dreaming or unconscious.
> 
> I think it’s fair to say that Steven Universe probably has the hardest working forebrain of any human on the planet.
> 
> Following that reasoning, I imagine sleeping is also the perfect biological alternative to a Windows 10 update, especially when he has all those squishy organs and grey matter in conjunction with whatever technology is rolling around inside the Gems.

_—The Beach House—_

“Hey, so we still have about fifteen minutes on the lasagna.” Greg stated as he finished drying off his hands and moving closer to Steven’s blanket pile. Plopping down against the cushion-less couch frame, he took in the sight of his son’s sleeping form for a few seconds before lightly nudging Garnet’s hip with the side of his foot. “You wanna wake up Sleeping Beauty there and see if he wants to wash up before supper?” 

Putting a hand on Steven’s shoulder, Garnet leaned over and gently shook her charge, “Steven? Wake up. It’s time to eat.” 

No response.

“Steven?” She tried again, a bit louder this time.

The teenager’s body was utterly slack as she tried to stir him, his head shaking along with the movement as though he were nothing more than a ragdoll.

Something suddenly felt very wrong here—why wasn’t he waking up?

“Steven?” She called out for a third time, cupping his face and hauling the boy into a sitting position. “Hey, now, answer me!” 

Nothing, not even a twitch.

Concern started to overtake her, but at least she could see the boy was still breathing. Garnet could feel his little intakes of air and hear the sound of his heartbeat pounding steadily against her chest. But the otherwise dead stillness of his body was completely unnatural to her. 

Meanwhile, the pleasant conversation coming from the kitchen had quieted and then died, the others quickly rushing over to see what was causing Garnet’s unusual distress.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Greg asked before really taking in the severity of the situation. Heart sinking into his stomach, the man’s blood quickly ran cold once he saw the fusion struggle in vain to wake his son.

“He-I can’t, he _won’t_ wake up.” Staring up at Greg with three fear riddled eyes, Garnet choked, “What am I doing wrong, Greg? Why isn’t he waking up?” 

“What do you mean he’s not waking up?!” Amethyst blurted out as she slid into the blankets next to them, “That’s not something humans just _forget_ how to do, y’ know!” Closing the distance so she could grab the boy’s round cheeks, the little gem was rougher than usual as she smooshed them between her hand, “Yo Steve-o, cut it out! This isn’t funny, so knock it off. You’re scaring everyone!” 

Steven’s head was lifeless in her palm, offering no resistance as she shook him this way and that.

His lifelessness frightened Amethyst all the way down to her gem core. Her Little Man wasn’t supposed to be like this! He was like sunshine, all bright and warm and alive—not still _like this_.

She was about to pull even harder when Greg tugged her hand away, forcing her to release the teenager from her vice-like grip. “_You_ cut that out!” Steven’s father cried, “You’re going to yank his cheeks off!” 

“But this is wrong! This is so wrong!” Amethyst exclaimed, “Even when Steven’s astral projected in the past, no matter how far his mind traveled away from his body, it’s _always_ been easy to bring him back before!” 

“What should we do?” Pearl asked in dismay, hoovering next to Garnet. She desperately wanted to touch the boy but was terrified that she might somehow break him if she tried.

“I, I don’t know!” Greg said, honestly flummoxed, “Are you guys sure he didn’t hit his head or something?” 

“Of course, he _didn’t_!” Pearl squawked, clearly offended that the human could think for even a moment that they’d be so careless with Steven’s health.

“Take it easy! I’m just ruling out possibilities here!” The man quickly recoiled, sinking into the floor as he tried to shield himself from Pearl’s ferociousness.

“WILL YOU BOTH QUIT FIGHTING?!” Amethyst growled as she got in between the two of them and shoved. “Look!” The gem pointed, “Look at his shirt! Steven’s gem is doing something!” 

Sure enough, a flickering light had begun to illuminate the darkness of the sitting room, as blinking glimmers of pink were starting to spill off the boy’s midsection.

Yanking his t-shirt up to investigate, Pearl immediately had to shield her eyes from the radiant light that threatened to blind her and everyone else. Steven’s gem was pulsating like it was alive, going from dim one second to overwhelmingly bright the next. All around them, the very air was starting to get heavy and oppressive, a strange buzzing noise pouring out of the boy's gem as if a swarm of unseen bees had surrounded them. 

Nothing close to this had ever happened to Steven, not in any of his sixteen years being alive on this planet.

“Steven, wake up!” Garnet exclaimed as she forced his eyelids open, “You have to wake up _now_!” 

The fusion had hoped that this mere act might have been enough to bring him out of his stupor, but the boy’s eyes were blank and unseeing as she held them open. They were unfocused, staring at nothing and everything as if he were in a deep trance. Steven’s pupils were blown wide and dilated so that only a sliver of his irises were visible. Gone though was the dark chocolate brown they had come to expect, as a fiery magenta now replaced his natural eye color.

“Steven…?” All three gems whispered in hush horror, unprepared for how wooden and empty he looked, like a living marionette.

All around them, the energy surrounding his gem kept getting stronger and stronger with each wave until it was all but crushing them under its force. Even the house was beginning to rock and quake, like it was caught in a hurricane, shaking itself down to its very foundation.

Garnet found it was getting difficult to even hold onto Steven anymore as his diamond’s pulsations reached critical mass.

Even through her thick glasses, the fusion could barely make out his features at all now; it was just too bright! She tried to keep her grip on him, oh stars how she tried! But eventually, Garnet could feel her fingers on Steven slipping; there was just too much raw power pulling him away from her.

The moment Garnet felt the last vestiges of her strength leave her, she was instantly thrown back as if an invisible giant had body-slammed her. Knocked backward at full force, the fusion let out a cry of pain as she toppled over the couch and landed against the back of the stairs, the strength of her impact shattering several boards and part of the stair’s handrail.

Steven at this point had levitated into the air, floating several feet above them as the light from his diamond began swallowing up all detail of his body in a blazing pink inferno.

For a moment it almost looked as though his gem was trying to reform.

Oh stars, it _was_ trying to reform!

His gem was actually trying to reform over his physical body.

Could it even _do_ that?!

And what would happen to Steven if it did?

Hearts seizing in terror, the Crystal Gems were helpless to do anything but watch as the light completely encapsulated every part of Steven's body. 

But then just when things were at their most hopeless, the gem just—stopped.

Without any logical explanation, the light flickered, the power simply fading away as his diamond released the teenager from its superimposing grip with little to no fanfare at all.

Jerking awake with a start as if a spell had been broken, Steven came to in hands down what was the weirdest position he had ever woken up in. And he had fallen asleep in the broken fridge behind the Big Donut once.

“What the-?!” Was all the boy could cry out, momentarily taking in his surroundings before the laws of gravity yanked him downwards.

He probably should have remembered that he had powers to stop that from happening, but waking up ten feet off the ground with no memory of how he had gotten there had rattled his common sense.

All four of his family members made for a dysfunctional but useful living parachute as they scrambled with open arms to catch the boy in time.

They all landed together with a hard thud, unceremoniously knocking blankets and cushions everywhere as the five bodies hit the hardwood in various directions.

“Ugh… oh geez, _ow._” Steven groaned, rubbing his tailbone. That had not been one of his better landings. “What the heck just happened?” 

“Steven! You’re back!” Greg exclaimed, tears streaking down his face. Before the boy could even register what was happening, the larger man had wrapped him up in his arms and was squeezing him so tightly; he felt his ribs crack.

Returning the intense but always welcome embrace, Steven patted his dad’s back as the older man continued to cling to him. “Um, hey there, Dad. I wasn’t aware that I had… left?” He said truthfully, looking rather owlishly at the Crystal Gems for help.

But instead of finding answers, Steven was horrified to take in the damage strung across the house.

Now, their house had seen some ugly battles with the various corrupted gems over the years, but this was the first time it looked a tornado had touched down in the middle of the temple and just went to town.

“Guys... _what’s_ going on here?!” Steven asked, his voice spiking up an octave in shock.

It was only then that he spotted Garnet in the corner. She looked like she had just picked a fight with a blender and was nursing what appeared to be an injured arm. Concern overriding his confusion, the half-gem tried to pull out of his dad’s embrace so he could tend to the fusion’s wounds, but he was cut off before he could even reach her.

“You!” Amethyst snarled, finally breaking out of her stupor and lunging for him so could smack his stupid curly head. “DON’T EVER PULL ANYTHING LIKE THAT AGAIN, YOU CREEP! YOU NEARLY GAVE US ALL HEART ATTACKS!” 

“Ow! I’m sorry!” Steven cried out as he was suddenly trying to escape a purple flurry of fists before they connected with his skull, “Hey, ack—at least tell me what I _did_ first?! OW! Ow! Stop it, that hurts!” 

“Good!” She roared with balled up fists, “It’s supposed to! You jerk! You big stupid puffy haired jerk!” 

Losing steam Amethyst’s face twisted, hands snaking around Steven’s waist so the little quartz could squeeze herself against the boy’s midsection. She continued to insult him even as she hugged him, but since her face was buried in his t-shirt, he really couldn’t make out what she was saying about him.

It was probably better that way.

“Can somebody _please_ tell me what’s going on?” He asked again helplessly.

Getting to her feet, Garnet gingerly walked over to the boy, making sure not to put too much weight on her injured side before she lightly ruffled his hair. It was the same loving gesture the fusion usually did after a battle, but this time her hand lingered in his hair like it was less an act of motherly affection and more of a way to confirm for herself that he was really there. Tucking a stray curl behind his ear, Garnet looked at Steven intensely for a few seconds, before gently releasing her hold on him.

“I guess you could say that we had a very eventful end to Burrito Steven Day.” The esoteric gem said evenly, leaving it at that as she shrugged her non-injured arm.

You could practically see the giant question marks floating over Steven’s head as he tried to process that.

“That doesn’t explain anything!” The boy exclaimed.

Meanwhile, Pearl had also managed picked herself up off the floor and was now looking at Steven like she had never seen him before in her life.

He was back to being all soft edges and boyish innocence again as he made a grab for Garnet’s hand and quickly kissed away the hairline fracture that had formed on Ruby’s gem. His 'Sadie and the Suspects' t-shirt was all wrinkled from spending most of the day asleep, Steven’s favorite super soft fleece pajama pants fraying at the ankles from love, and the fact they were a size too big. The young man was barefoot and sleep rumpled and looked so utterly human in that instant that it was hard to imagine what had just transpired a few minutes earlier.

But it _had_ happened.

The sheer magnitude of power that had emanated from Steven’s gem just now hadn’t been like anything the Crystal Gems had ever experienced before.

Well, except for _her_ maybe.

The last time anyone had even come close to this kind of power was when the Crystal Gems had found themselves face to face against Homeworld’s oldest and most powerful creation. A timeless monarch who had used the eons to master electromagnetic energy in a way no other gem could. The Diamonds’ ability to harness light was their most significant source of power as it gave them their refraction abilities, their diamond fire, everything that had allowed them to secure supreme dominion over the other gems for millennia.

That was the part of this that made everything so scary.

Pearl knew better than anyone about who Rose Quartz had really been. After serving Pink Diamond for centuries, she considered herself one of the highest experts around when it came to the extent of Steven’s mother and her powers.

So how had all of this managed to blindside her like this?

_How_ was it even possible that energy like White Diamond's had managed to manifest itself so easily in the subconsciousness of the doe-eyed sixteen-year-old boy awkwardly standing before them? 

And why was Pearl suddenly so frightened? This was their Steven! Their wonderful, compassionate, tender-hearted Steven. Steven, who cried over the syndicated problems of fictional breakfast foods, who found new ways to say “I love you” each and every day. Steven, who opened up his heart to even his worst enemies and held fast to his nonviolent ideals of trying to talk before ever trying to fight. There would never be a reason for Pearl to be afraid of the sweet young man that she had come love like a son.

... right...?

_To be continued…_


	5. To err is human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Burrito Steven Day gets better before things get substantially worse.

_—The Beach House—_

“So… you’re saying that _I_ did all this…?”

Steven uttered in shock as he took in the surrounding damage.

The TV was smashed, two of the windows were busted, the couch was in ribbons. Several of their precious knick-knacks had been knocked off the shelves and was strewn around the floor, his mother’s broken sword and a handful of the family pictures half-buried in the debris. And the first three stairs leading up to his room were decimated by a person-sized hole, the floorboards and part of the railings shredded into chunks of broken wood.

Wait.

A _person_ sized hole.

“I was the one who did that to you too, wasn’t I?!” The teenager realized in horror as he spun around to face Garnet.

“It’s fine.” She soothed, bringing a hand up to cuff the boy’s cheek gently. “_I’m_ fine.” The gem said seriously, holding his gaze so Steven could see the sincerity there, “You healed me right up. Besides this was an _accident_.”

“She’s right, Schtu-ball,” His dad agreed, “It was like you were having a night terror or something. Hey, remember those stories I used to tell you about your Uncle Andy’s mom and how she used to sleepwalk down to the barn sometimes and paint the goats? It’s the same situation. You weren’t conscious, kiddo. You had absolutely no idea what you were doing.” 

Despite their best efforts to make him feel better, the teenager still looked like he wanted to throw up.

“I-I’m _so_ sorry, guys...” Steven said miserably to all of them. He wanted to say even more, but before the half-gem had the chance, a screeching blare from above suddenly cut him off.

The fire detector had started going off, causing all four adults to instantly turn to the kitchen where black plumes of smoke were coming from the oven.

“OH MAN! THE LASAGNA!!” Greg realized in panic as he made a mad dash for it. There was no way the house was going to survive the onslaught of Steven’s diamond only to get then taken out by a rogue slab of pasta.

It was a convenient excuse to try to bring some sense of normalcy back to the situation, though.

Heart aching, Pearl would have been willing to say almost anything to him if just meant she could get that horrible look off her Steven’s face. But the words weren’t coming to her, and so the only thing she and the rest of the Crystal Gems could do at that moment was trying to fix the house instead. The trio worked in relative silence as they salvaged what remained of the dining area. Cleaning up the broken glass and debris didn’t take too long, however, as the kitchen hadn’t been hit as hard as the sitting area.

Watching them work, Steven lingered by the front door and tried not to get in their way. Hugging his arms together, the boy looked like he was unconsciously trying to make himself as small as possible, afraid to take up space in his own house on the off chance he might break it again.

“Um.” Steven mumbled, breaking the silence first.

Immediately stopping what they were doing, the gems gave him their full attention.

Meeting their gaze somewhat hesitantly, he asked, “Can we establish a new house rule from now on? One where if I’m ever glowing and a danger to everyone I care about again that you’ll all stay as far away from me as possible?” 

“NO! Absolutely not!” Pearl shrilled, her hands dramatically flying to her hips to emphasize just how serious she was, “New house rule _rejected_, young man.” 

“Hey, you can’t do that!” Steven exclaimed in a truly adolescent fashion, “New house rules have to be put to a vote first.” 

“Rejected.” Garnet stated at the same time as Amethyst, who also shouted, “Super rejected!” 

“Yeah I don’t even _live_ here and rejected, Schtu-ball.” Greg chimed in.

“But you, that’s not—” Completely shot down by all the adults at once, the teenager could only glower at them and this egregious showcase of democracy. “That isn’t fair!” 

“Hey lookee here, guys!” Steven’s dad interrupted, putting the boy’s protest to rest as he held out the only partially charred lasagna, “I saved it! Dinner is still on. Now let’s get out the plates and eat!” 

“Woohoo! Go, Greg! You’re a regular pasta wizard.” Amethyst cheered as she made a move to claim one of the non-broken dining chairs.

Steven wanted to object as he watched his loved ones gather round in what was suddenly becoming just a regular family dinner.

They really weren’t mad at him?

Meeting his gaze, Steven’s dad flashed him a million-dollar grin. Greg was a triumphant display of pink oven mitts and marinara stains, holding up the tray of burnt cheese and black tomato sauce like it was a treasure. In turn, the gems offered the paunchy man praise before he handed the plate off to Pearl, who started cutting it into slices, and Garnet began work on a way to turn the single head of lettuce Greg had brought them into something they could pass off as a salad.

It was so normal and just so well, _perfect_ that the fight finally started to drain out of Steven a little.

“I can’t believe you actually cooked.” He commented shyly, approaching the island hesitantly as if unsure he had the right to join in.

“Yeah, well, reheated was more like it.” Greg shrugged, throwing an arm around his son and drawing him in close before the boy had a chance to withdraw back into himself. “It was the least I could do after I heard my best guy was having a bad day,” The grizzled millionaire said softly.

Leaning against the man’s larger frame, Steven found nothing but love and acceptance there. “Thanks, Dad.” Was all he could say, trying his best to hide the hitch in his voice as he sunk into that warm and familiar embrace.

“Anytime Schtu-ball.” The rock star replied, kissing the top of Steven’s curly head.

Dinner was pretty uneventful after that, although Amethyst had devolved into creating a new game that consisted of ladling carrot slices at Steven whenever he wasn’t looking.

“Would you cut that out?” The boy asked around his mouthful of pasta just as one managed to land dead center in the middle of his forehead.

“OH! Bullseye! And nope, can’t do it, dude.” The purple gem said as she set up her spoon for another assault. “This is how I show love now.” 

Scowling at her half-heartedly, Steven knew what she was doing. Amethyst was trying to rile him up so he’d stop beating himself up over what happened.

It was strangely working.

“You’re using it wrong.” Garnet interjected, reaching across the table and taking the utensil away from the younger gem. “You have to choke up on the grip here,” She demonstrated before launching a carrot so hard into Amethyst’s cheek that the pint-sized gem flew off the bar chair as if she’d been hit with a cannon. “See? Much better recoil.” 

“Whoa!” Amethyst exclaimed from the floor, “That was AMAAAZING! Do it again!” 

“Or, or I have another idea! Hear me out now. How about we just _eat_ the vegetables, how about that hmm?” Pearl offered instead. Neither she nor Garnet was taking part in the actual meal, but that didn’t mean they didn’t still usually sit with Steven when he ate.

“Sorry, Pearl.” The fusion at her side said after careful consideration, “I guess I got caught up in the heat of the moment.” 

Hiding a chuckle behind his hand, Steven watched in amusement as the three gems continued to go back and forth with one another. How was it possible that they could be alive for over 5,000 years and _still_ keep having the same type of arguments over and over?

It was nice in its own way, though.

The seasons changed, the tides rose, and the Crystal Gems were the Crystal Gems.

Reaching across the table, Steven served himself another piece of lasagna and felt a little bit better.

“You must have been hungry.” Pearl observed as she watched him dig in. “That’s your third piece.” 

“I don’t remember eating yesterday.” He said truthfully in between bites, “There wasn’t really a lot of time with all the cleanup going on.” 

“I’m glad you have an appetite, is all.” Pearl explained. She flashed him a reassuring smile, all while hoping that the boy couldn’t tell that she was also trying to assess him. “And you look so much better than you did this morning!” 

“Well, you guys, let me sleep for almost the whole day.” Steven shrugged, “I guess I really needed it.” 

Getting solemn again Steven put his fork down, “Y’know, up until _that_ happened anyways…”

And just like that, things were getting tense again.

“But you feel okay otherwise, right, Steve-o?” Amethyst asked as she attacked him from behind and found the exact spot under his ribcage where she knew he was super ticklish. “You’re not about to grow 50 feet or start sprouting horns now, are you?!” 

“No stop! Hahaha—no, not there!” Steven shrieked in between belts of laughter, twisting away until he was finally able to catch her hands a few moments later.

But the dying down of his laughter made it obvious how tense the room still actually was.

Every eye in the house was lingering on him, waiting for the answer despite the joking tone Amethyst had tried to play it off as.

“Guys, I feel fine.” He tried to reassure them. “Well, so maybe not _fine,_ but I still feel like me, okay? I’m sore, and my head hurts a little bit, but that’s all because I really overdid it yesterday. I’m alright, I promise. And whatever was going on with my gem; it must have just been a fluke or something.” 

“A fluke? Yeah right! You say that like this isn’t the first time your gem’s gone nuclear before.” Amethyst said sarcastically. 

She suddenly didn’t like the way Steven just went silent like that.

“Yo Steven. This _was_ the first time your gem’s gone nuclear, right?” The little gem asked with narrowed eyes as she scrutinized his face.

“Define ‘nuclear’…?” Was all the boy could say somewhat helplessly.

“Steven,” Pearl said incredulously. “You mean to tell us that this has happened before?” 

“Well, not exactly.” He drawled. Scrambling to find the right words to describe what had happened, an uncomfortable silence seeped into the once cheery dining room despite his best attempts to stay nonchalant about the whole thing. “I-I mean, well—I guess the last time something like this happened was back on Homeworld. After White Diamond’s mind-control powers overwrote you guys during that final battle, my gem sort of wound up taking its own form so that it could confront her and—” Looking at the room suddenly full of wide-eyed, ashen faces, Steven immediately tried to course-correct. He stammered, “Oh um, but don't worry! That only happened _after_ she had pulled it out of my body.” 

Despite the way he stated that fact as if it suddenly just cleared up everything, Steven knew he was in for it simply by the way his four guardians were staring at him in absolute horror.

They had never heard _this_ part of the story before.

“S-so you mean she…?” Greg trailed off before he had to sit down, or he else was going to fall down. “Steven, I don’t know if I want you hanging around with these people anymore, even if they _are_ intergalactic space queens! She could have killed you!” 

“And why didn’t you _say_ anything sooner?!” Garnet all but snarled, grabbing the boy by his shoulders and shaking him, “Why would you keep something like this a secret from us?!” 

“I wasn’t keeping it a secret!” He snapped at the sudden accusation. Wrenching himself out of her grip, Steven glared up at her and fumed, "I don’t lie to people and then pretend it’s for their own good the way _you three_ do! I just could never find the right time to tell you all.” 

All three Crystal Gems recoiled as if he had just struck them and their faces alone took the wind right out of any self-righteous sails he might have had.

“I-I mean, everything worked out, though, so it’s okay.” Steven assured them, “The Diamonds are on our side now, we healed all the Corrupted Gems, Homeworld won’t ever come after us again. We established peace across the galaxy. Don’t you see? I fixed it. I fixed all the things that happened because of Pink Diamond. So it doesn’t matter what happened to me.” 

The unemotional way he had just _said_ that was too much for the fusion to bear.

“No, Steven, _no_.” Garnet whispered, “It matters. It matters so much.” She reached a hand out to touch him but hesitated at the last minute, afraid he’d rebuke her again. “I’m sorry for yelling earlier. But you need to understand that peace across the universe doesn’t mean a thing to any of us if it means that you have to hurt your heart to get it.” 

Those big brown eyes of his furrowed in confusion for a few seconds before Steven closed the distance between them so he could take her hand and squeeze it in an unspoken peace offering. “It’s in the past, Garnet,” He answered good-naturedly, “Everything’s fine, really. _I’m_ fine. So you don’t have to worry about a thing.” 

Sick with herself, the fusion realized that the boy she loved so much didn’t actually _understand_ why everyone was upset right now.

How could he, though? His empathic nature, self-sacrificing tendencies, and the way he always put everyone’s needs before his own. When had their Steven’s kind-hearted need to help others turned into something dangerous? 

And how long had it been festering? How often had the Crystal Gems been too worried about their own troubles to tune in to what Steven was really thinking and feeling? How often had Greg mistakenly let his son be the adult in the relationship when Steven had been littler, how often had he been the caregiver? The boy had never had a mother to connect to emotionally, so, of course, he had begun to hyper-focus on the happiness of the four people closest to him, all the while stifling his own feelings.

How on earth could Garnet not have _seen_ this sooner?

_To be continued…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a real lulu for me to write, mostly because while I really don't want to put the Gems or Greg under fire too much here, there are some real, legitimate issues that I feel have occurred during Steven's formative years that have made him who he is. About 80% of that is his empathic nature and the fact he's pretty much the universe's therapy dog. Still, the other 20% stems from the people-pleasing coping mechanisms kids with shaky relationships with their parents often develop. And let's be real here, despite Greg and the Crystal Gem's best intentions, some of their earlier character arcs have totally contributed to Steven’s dangerous mindset. They didn't "cause" the issues at hand, but much of their personal trauma, escalated by the fact that Steven sometimes had to play problem solver/personal therapist for them sure put grease on the dumpster fire that is his mental health issues.


	6. A bit of a fixer-upper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In today's episode, a little bit of carpentry and emergency construction is all that's needed to let the half-gem people-pleasing monster in your life know when he's bitten off more of the proverbial crazy than he actually chew.

_\--The Beach House—_

Everything was strained and uncomfortable after that.

Despite his best attempts to apologize, Garnet seemed more withdrawn than ever. In fact, she looked so tense that Steven was afraid she was going to unfuse at any minute now. But he didn’t know what else to do! Steven had told them multiple times how sorry he was for the house, but neither his Dad nor the rest of the Crystal Gems seemed all that concerned about the actual mess. Instead, they just kept fixating on what happened with White Diamond and why he hadn’t said anything sooner.

Because something like _this_ would have happened. That’s why he hadn’t said anything!

“It doesn’t have to change anything,” Steven said uneasily. “None of what happened has to change our relationship with Homeworld.” Crossing his arms, his body language alone made it clear he was speaking to them less like their child and more like the leader of the Crystal Gems.

“Steven, of course, our relationship with the Diamonds changes now that we know what happened.” Pearl tried to explain, “You can’t just expect us to pretend that hurting you like that was something we can just shrug off and be okay with.” 

“BUT I’M _FINE_!” Steven stated for the millionth time, feeling sick and tired of having to say that repeatedly, “It was two years ago. And while I appreciate that you care about me like this, none of that is worth undoing all the good we’ve accomplished.” Turning to Garnet, he exclaimed, “The Diamonds have finally stopped shattering fusions and off-colored gems on Homeworld. They’re all leading better and happier lives because we were able to change things. We can’t just turn our backs on them. And what about the injectors, and the colonies and—” 

“STEVEN, ENOUGH!” Garnet all but roared, slamming her fists down onto the kitchen counter with a force that was just short of smashing the marble. Tears were streaming down her face; the gem was at her breaking point, “I can’t bear another word.” She choked before bringing a hand up to stifle her sobs, “Please, please _stop_...” 

“But… But I…” Stammering helplessly, Steven had no idea what he could have done to make her cry like this. “Garnet, I—” 

He had only been trying to make her feel better. To make her see that all the pain and suffering that happened two years had meant something, that something good had come out of it!

Where had things gone so wrong?

“Steven, it’s getting late,” Pearl said in a flurry, grabbing him by his shoulders and leading him towards his room. “Now that you’ve eaten, why don’t you turn in for the night?” 

Glancing at the clock, the Cookie Cat on the wall said it was 7:30 pm.

On a Tuesday night… in the middle of summer, when he was homeschooled anyways and had literally been unconscious for the last nine hours.

“What about the mess, though?” Steven asked sheepishly, allowing himself to be pulled towards the staircase, “I can help. It was my fault it happened in the first place.” 

“I texted Bismuth about an hour ago, buddy. She’s been looking for a pet project since she ran out of buildings to fix up in Beach City after the injector incident.” Greg chimed in. “Better leave it to the professionals here, Schtu-ball. Us mortal men are no match for a gem with power tools. We’d both probably just get in their way.” Taking the boy away from Pearl, the older man pushed his son towards the front door, “Why don’t you walk me to my van? Let’s give them a minute to talk.” 

“But,” Steven almost started again before the sight of Amethyst and Pearl comforting Garnet cowed him into submission, and he did what he was told. The pair walked in silence down the wood steps and out onto the sandy beach where Greg had parked. Clouds and overcast hid the fading afternoon sun, but a warm breeze swept over the ocean and out towards Beach City.

It would have almost been peaceful if Steven hadn’t felt so horrible at that moment.

“On a scale of one to ten, how badly did I just screw up back there?” Steven asked his dad once they reached the van.

“Solid 5? Maybe a 6?” Greg said after contemplating things.

A bright light suddenly flashed from within the house, as two pillars of red and blue streamed out from the broken window. Mumbled curses soon followed after that, and the small, disgruntled figure of Ruby climbed down the stairs, seething as she belted out the start of an incoherent rant.

Taking one look at Steven, the little gem got even hotter under the collar, made a string of muffled explicits, and then marched herself towards the ocean floor so she could walk off some of her aggression.

“Oh, ooh boy. Never mind, make that a 7.” The other man replied, taking back his previous statement as they both watched Ruby’s trail of bubbles as the ocean began to boil around her.

When Steven wouldn't stop giving the dark water a distressed and slightly hangdog expression, Greg reached over and lightly jabbed the kid in the stomach, “Steven, I was just kidding! They aren’t mad at you; you just really scared everyone today. Besides, I used to rank an easy 7 with them like all the time! And that was just for breathing and having the audacity to hang around your mom too much. They at least _like_ you.”

“I’m not so sure about that right now.” The teen said softly.

“Trust me here, kiddo. While you were taking that diamond charged power nap earlier, I spent the whole afternoon walking them through how scared they were over the thought of losing you.” His dad mused.

“Lose me?” Steven asked, blinking. “Where would I go? Everything important to me is right here.” 

“Funnily enough, I said the same thing.” The scruffy man said with a satisfied smile before he leaned down and planted a wet kiss on his boy’s forehead. “Just give them a little time, Schtu-ball. And be gentle with them. Remember, you weren’t the only one who had a bad day today.” Opening the driver’s side door, he started the ignition and gave his son a final wave before starting back towards the car wash.

“Yeah… will do, Dad.” Steven replied with a flimsy wave of his own. “Thanks for everything today.” 

Watching his dad drive off into the distance and back towards Beach City, Steven waited until the van was a smudge in the horizon before he sank onto the sand and decided to watch the sunset for a while before going back inside.

The sand was still warm even in the late evening, and it felt comforting against his bare feet.

“Steven!” A familiar voice called from the conservatory.

Glancing upwards, the boy could make out Bismuth as she made her way from the observatory stairs to call to him before going inside herself. She must have come directly from Little Homeworld’s warp pad.

“What are you doing down there all by yourself?” The smithy asked.

“Thinking.” The youth said with a shrug, “Since you know… I broke the house.” Burying his head in his knees, he mumbled, “And then I broke Garnet too. So, now I’m just sitting here, trying not to break anything else.” 

“Mm-hmm.” The rainbow-haired gem said with a bewildered nod. “There must be quite a story to go along with that pity party you’re having. How about you let me look at the damage we’re dealing with first before you start deciding ways we’re going to torture you, huh?” Laughing at her own joke, the gem pushed through Steven’s room and was halfway down the stairs when the boy could hear her scream from the outside.

“HOLY HOCH2CN!” She shrieked. “HOW DID THIS EVEN HAPPEN?!” 

“Bismuth, watch your language!” Pearl exclaimed in shock. “Would you kiss your protostar with that mouth?!” 

Steven didn’t know what HOCH2CN was, but the way Bismuth had said it and Pearl’s reaction to it made him wonder if that was equivalent to certain four-letter words here on Earth. Did gems even _have_ curse words?

* * *

_An hour and thirty minutes later…_

The house had gotten eerily quiet after the rainbow gem had finally managed to calm down enough to get to work fixing the house.

It was unnerving, so much so that he was almost about to check on everyone when Bismuth emerged, opening the screen door. “Steven, I’m almost finished here, but I need some help with the last parts of the railing. Come on up here and give me a hand.” The request was stated calmly enough but gone was the friendliness and cheer that she had come with.

He knew her well enough by now to know when she was angry, and it was apparent where that anger was currently being directed.

Getting to his feet, Steven obediently complied. He had never shied away from people being openly hostile to him in the past, and he wasn’t about to start now.

Entering inside, Steven was prepared for utter chaos, so he was slightly gobsmacked when he walked through his front door and saw that all the repairs were nearly finished. He had always known Bismuths were master craftsmen, but _their_ Bismuth seemed to be on a whole other level entirely. Everything looked brand new, except for the railing, just as she had stated.

“I just need an extra pair of hands to tighten the screws around the mounting brackets of the new posts.” Bismuth instructed him as she handed him a beam so they could fit it into the stairs.

They worked in silence for the first three before Steven couldn’t help but ask, “Where are the others?” 

“They uh, needed some downtime in the temple Steven.” She answered though it was obvious she was trying not to look at him. “Sapphire, especially. I’m not sure where I saw Ruby run off to.” 

“Oh. She’s doing laps around Funland’s pier,” Steven answered since he knew _that_ family member’s location at least. Clutching the banister, the boy dipped his head, “Hey, so um, thank you for doing this, Bismuth. I know I really messed up the house. I just wish I could-“

“Woah Woah, Steven, hold up there. You know that’s not the reason why your family is upset with you right now, right?” The smithy retorted.

“Yeah, I know." The boy explained awkwardly. "But I wasn’t trying to keep what happened with White Diamond a secret.” 

“I think a part of you really wants to believe that.” Bismuth said with narrowed eyes. “But I also know by _not_ saying anything to them you were able to grasp that ‘happily ever after’ of yours a lot easier than you would have if you would have just told them the truth.” 

“Look, I’ve already admitted that I made a lot of mistakes with that whole ‘happily ever after’ thing, okay?” The teenager agreed, trying not to get too defensive, “I’m never going to—” 

“Steven, you’re missing the point here.” Bismuth interjected. “The point is you almost _died_, and you didn’t even bother to tell them! How would you feel if the Gems had gone through something like that and kept you in the dark?” 

“C'mon Bismuth, it’s not like they’ve never kept me in the dark before either!” The half-gem growled.

“Now hold on there, now I’m not saying that they haven’t made mistakes with you too." Bismuth relented before continuing, "But what worries me is that you didn’t exactly tell me I was wrong a minute ago. Are you going to sit there and tell me that it’s fine if _you_ get hurt as long as _they_ don’t? Do you actually believe that?” 

“YES!” Steven exclaimed, his grip on the banister post getting so tight they could hear the wood starting to splinter from the pressure. “Yes, alright! You got me, Bismuth. I do believe that! You’re right; I hide things from them sometimes. But it’s only because I’d shatter myself into pieces before I’d ever let the things that Mom did to hurt them happen ever again! So, sometimes, I protect them from my bad feelings because Pearl doesn’t need another person who loves her to use her. Sometimes I protect them from my fears because Garnet doesn’t need to work herself to the bone planning for a future that she has no way of controlling! And sometimes I protect them from my doubts because Amethyst is finally starting to have faith in herself and this world, and I’m not going to be the one to mess that up by hesitating.” His voice faltered at the end, forcing the teenager to drop the post he was holding out of fear he was going to rip it apart. “I’m _not_ my mom, Bismuth. But I’m also not going to be the person who hurts them like she did ever again.” 

“And _that_… that right there, Steven.” She said sadly, “Despite everything you think you’re doing to protect them, that is exactly why you’re breaking their hearts. Because somewhere down the line, you _stopped_ trusting them.” 

Letting out a shocked little breath, Steven immediately opened his mouth to deny that. But Bismuth shushed him by placing her large hand over his mouth, so he’d let her finish.

“No one here is saying you don’t _love_ them, Steven. But trust and love are two very different things, and somewhere in between the battle against Homeworld and becoming a Diamond yourself, you got it stuck in your head that it was somehow _your_ job to protect _them_ and not the other way around.” Driving her point home, the gem nudged his chest with her free hand’s index finger before releasing his mouth.

“But I don’t know what else to do to keep them safe.” The boy faltered, and he sounded so lost it broke the larger gem’s heart. “Besides… I’m supposed to be a Diamond. That means I should be able to handle all the bad stuff alone. What’s the point of even being a Diamond if I can’t handle the pressure?” 

“Well, if you ask me, you need to stop thinking like a Diamond and start thinking more like Steven Universe again.” She said truthfully, “Because the Steven I know, fights _with_ the people he leads. Steven Universe always told _me_ we were all in this together.” Reaching over to cuff the boy’s chin, the gem gave him a crooked smile. “I’ve got you, remember? And you’ve got this.” 

“And… we’ve all got each other.” Steven finished with a watery smile. Yeah, he still remembered the words.

“Good, sounds like you might still be Steven Universe after all. So now that that’s settled, let’s finish the rest of these posts, and then we can focus on finding that crazy Ruby of yours before she winds up burning away half the ocean around Beach City.” The smithy said as she hauled up another piece of wood and handed it to him.

What else could he do but nod and follow her lead?

Steven would still have a lot of apologizing to do in the morning, for now, though, there was something cathartic about fixing your past mistakes with your own two hands. Even if it was just a broken staircase.  
  
If anything, it was a somewhat pleasant way to end his first official Burrito Steven Day, at least.

_To be continued…_


	7. Return stroke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hearts are mended, deals are struck, Ruby and Greg go missing and Steven's streak of bad luck just keeps getting worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: the return stroke is the most luminous and noticeable part of lightning's discharge.

_—The Beach House—_

_The next morning…_

It was barely 5:45 am, but Steven had been awake for hours. The uneasy way everyone had left things the previous night had made for a pretty tumulus evening.

Bismuth had given him a lot to think about regarding trust, and that, combined with the overwhelming feeling of guilt once he realized that she had been right, made sleep pretty much impossible.

Strangely enough, sometime around midnight, the boy had also found himself hit with an unusually uncomfortable sensation. Despite lying in bed, his whole body began to hurt, like when you laid down the wrong way, and the blood temporarily was cut off to your limbs.

It went away after about an hour of tossing and turning, but afterward, everything still felt tight, like his skin was suddenly three sizes too small, and even the blankets seemed suffocating.

Finally, after hours of staring blankly up at his ceiling, Steven gave up on any possibility of rest and decided to make a break for the bathroom.

Despite himself, the boy couldn’t help the doleful look he gave the Crystal Gem’s door as he passed it.

They had to come out sometime… right?

Turning the shower on as hot as he could stand it, Steven stood under the spray, hoping that he might be able to melt that cold dread that was lodged in his chest. But it didn’t work. His skin was getting red, and he felt a little nauseous as the heat rose, but the temperature did nothing to alleviate things.

Leaning his head against the tile wall, the youth let a sigh and allowed the shower to shed the tears he was trying not to right now.

How on earth was he going to fix this?

Steven spent the next few minutes running scenarios in his head, but the more he thought about it, the more impossible it seemed.

Until it all stopped short as the boy suddenly felt as if he was being struck by lightning.

His gem began to flicker, and without any warning, the bathroom was suddenly awash in a sea of pink light. The surge of raw energy radiated through him as if he was being exposed to hundreds of millions of volts, instantly causing his body to crash.

Barely able to let out a small cry, Steven’s limbs locked, and he fell and fell hard, the swell of power leaving him a prisoner in his own body.

It was all so bright!

The world around him was bathed in pink—to the point that it almost felt like being in one of his bubbles, but everything about this was all wrong.

It wasn’t just the light itself, though; it was too bright inside his head as well. He couldn’t think straight; there was too much color, too much noise, too much information crashing into his skull at all once.

Bringing shaky, useless hands up to his head, all Steven could do was squeeze his eyes shut and hope it would all be over soon.

Then as quickly as it started… it just _stopped_

Letting out a gasp once his diamond went back to sleep, the boy’s vision quickly returned to normal, and he was able to wrestle control over his limbs again. Steven’s whole body still felt like a raw, exposed nerve, though, and despite the ringing in his ears, he could hear his heart thundering in his chest.

_What on earth had just happened?!_

Feeling as unsteady on his feet as a baby giraffe, it took a few tries, but Steven finally managed to pull himself up and stumbled out of the shower, grabbing onto the vanity so he could steady himself.

“Steven?” Pearl’s voice called as she knocked on the door. “Are you alright? I heard a crash.” 

“I-I’m fine!” The black-haired youth rasped in a panic, trying to keep his voice as steady as possible under the circumstances. Putting both hands on the countertop, Steven tried closing his eyes and counting to ten in hopes he could get the world to stop spinning. “I just need another minute, Pearl!” 

“Of course you’re fine.” He could hear the gem scoff as she moved away from the door. “You’re always fine. Why wouldn’t you be fine?” 

Heart sinking at those sharp words, Steven pressed his face against the cold porcelain. 

How stupid could he be for actually thinking that just because Pearl had asked if he was alright, that it meant that maybe they had also forgiven him.

Who was he kidding, though? It was never that easy.

It took a few minutes to regain his footing, but by the time the bathroom mirror had started to defog, Steven finally felt human enough to towel off his hair and put his pajamas back on.

Raking the excess water out of his thick curls, the teen stared at his reflection silently for a few moments before he steeled himself and pushed open the bathroom door.

He could do this. There were more important things he needed to take care of before he could start thinking about what on earth was going on with his gem powers.

Pushing out of the dimly lit bathroom and into the early morning light, Steven had to bring a hand up to shield his eyes for a moment as they were still having a hard time adjusting to their surroundings. Odd prisms of lights and colors that he couldn’t really place were starting to form right at the corner of his vision. They were just as pretty as they were concerning, but before he could worry about that, he needed to make sure he hadn’t ruined things with his family first.

Watching him approach from their spots at the breakfast table, Amethyst, Sapphire, and Pearl all had eerily similar expressions, closed off and wary.

Oh pork chops, it actually _physically_ hurt to look at them right now, in more ways than one, so Steven dropped his eyes to the ground and just focused on counting the seams in the hardwood until he was standing just beside the table.

“Hey,” Amethyst started tentatively as he approached. “So yeah, there’s still some cereal leftover if you’re hungry.” 

“Thanks,” Steven said slowly, hating the looming awkwardness that was floating around these useless niceties. “Maybe later.” Hugging his chest, the boy coaxed, “But um, first… can, can we talk? Or, if you don’t want to talk, can you please just listen? I really don’t want to leave things the way they were last night. And I just…” 

Oh god, he could do this. He spent most of last night practicing.

_"Just breathe, just breathe and try not to puke, Universe."_

“I’m sorry.” Steven started, and oh, if that wasn’t the biggest understatement in the galaxy, he didn’t know what was. “I know I really let you guys down.” 

“So um, I guess I-I’ve been having a tough time lately, regarding Mom.” The boy said honestly, admitting it openly for maybe the first time in years. “And the more I’ve thought about things, the more I’ve started to realize that the biggest mistakes that Mom ever made… well, they all happened because she was afraid to trust you guys.” 

“She couldn’t trust Spinel enough to be honest with her about the fact they were growing apart. So she ran away from her instead. Mom told Garnet never to doubt herself, never to have a single hesitation about who she was—but then, at the same time, she was never able to trust Garnet with who Rose Quartz really was. And Pearl, you were her confidant, you knew all Mom’s secrets, and she loved you so much… but in the end, she still couldn’t trust you to be your own person. Despite how much she needed you, she could never trust you enough to set you free. I don’t know why she didn’t—she should have though; she should have trusted you all.” 

Letting out a shaky breath, Steven fought to keep his voice strong, despite the tears streaming freely down his face. “But now I’m doing the _same_ thing, aren’t I? So, of course, you’re mad at me. I just thought if I could protect you, then it was okay if I—” Stammering, he just couldn’t find the right words to explain, “I just didn’t want to hurt you. So I thought it was better if I just—” 

“I’m sorry, I’m _so_ sorry. I wasn’t trying to push you away. I wasn’t trying to hide things from you.” Hiccupping, the boy finally dared to look up at them, those big round eyes of his utterly heartbroken, "… _Please_ don’t hate me.”

To his surprise, the Gems practically vaulted off their chairs, distraught that those words had even come out of his mouth in the first place. Quickly clearing the distance between them, Pearl, Sapphire, and Amethyst all threw their arms around the boy before he could protest and drew him into a fierce hug.

“_Never!”_ Pearl exclaimed before she cupped his face and pressed her forehead to his, “Not even for one second, do you understand me? We could _never_ ever hate you, Steven.”

Wrapping one arm around Pearl’s waist and letting the other one settle on Amethyst’s back, Steven suddenly regressed into wracking sobs as he clung onto them in part relief and part desperation over the fact that he hadn’t lost his family’s love. .

“Oh Steven, please, please don’t cry,” Sapphire said shakily, her usually demure voice breaking when she realized how upset he was. Pressing herself against his thigh, she remarked, “We’re sorry too. Last night the thought of what had happened to you shook all of us to our core. You have to understand that none of us were mad at _you_; we were mad at ourselves for failing you.” Wiping some tears away from her own eye, the blue gem realized rather crestfallenly just how big a mistake they had made by leaving things the way they had last night. “But of course, you blamed yourself. I should have seen it sooner. Ruby and I fell apart on you all over again, didn’t we? We made you think this was all your fault, just like we did before.” 

Stretching his arm out so that he could reach Sapphire too, the boy was crying too hard to answer her, but he pulled the three gems closer to him as if he was still terrified he could lose them at any minute.

They stayed plastered to one another for several minutes before Amethyst was finally the one to break rank. “Look, can we all admit that _none_ of us are any good at this?” She added curtly, trying to sound like a tough guy despite how tightly she was still clinging to her Little Man’s waist. “We’ve all been messing up really badly with one another lately. But it’s stupid to dwell on all these past mistakes. I’m sorry, you’re sorry, Pearl’s mega-sorry, Sapphire, and Ruby will be sorry for the next decade! So can we all just agree on the fact we’ve all been jerks and start over?” 

“S-start over how?” Steven sniffled, finally at a place where he could get words out again.

“Well, you said it yourself. The biggest mistake Rose ever made was not trusting people. So let’s not keep repeating that same mistake over and over, alright? This means that you’re going to have to start being a lot more honest with us, Steve-o. Even if it means admitting when things are lousy or when you’re not having a good time. Which is something that you’re really _bad _at!” The purple gem stated before she playfully flicked his nose. “So from now on, there are no more secrets between any of us, alright? The lying, the hiding things, the half-truths, the ‘I can’t tell you but understand that it’s for your own good’ stuff, it all has to stop.” She said, shooting a look at Pearl, “We’re all going to be straight with each other from now, deal? It won’t fix everything, but it’s gotta be better than what we _have_ been doing.” 

Letting out a broken chuckle, the half-gem couldn’t help but grin down at her, “You’re doing it again.” 

“Doing what?” Amethyst asked curiously.

“Being the most mature Crystal Gem,” Steven replied, letting go of them so he could wipe his eyes.

“Oh. Ew. I resent those accusations, you know.” She glowered back at him before crossing her arms.

Standing a little taller than he had been before all this, Steven momentarily shared a look with Pearl and Sapphire before putting his hand out. “Okay… it’s a deal.” 

“Deal.” Pearl and Amethyst chimed in, placing both their open palms over Steven’s.

“Wait!” Sapphire interjected, realizing that they were still missing her better half. “We need Ruby!” 

“Oh my, you’re right!” Pearl agreed. In fact, it had been hours since Garnet had unfused. "I can’t believe she’s still not back yet.” 

“Well, Bismuth and I tried to go after Ruby last night after we finished the repairs, but Dad found her first. He told me they were going to talk for a bit and that he’d bring her by later.” Steven said, holding up his phone to show them Greg’s last text message displayed on the screen. That had been around 10 pm last night, though. What on earth could be keeping them? Punching in the number for his dad’s line, the teenager was surprised when it immediately went to voicemail. “Huh, that’s strange. He’s not answering. But that probably means they’re still together, right? Maybe we should go check the car wash?” 

Steven was all set to make a quick break into his room so he could change when another sharp jolt of energy shot through his body, and just like last time, the half-gem found himself entirely at the mercy of his own diamond.

“AGH!” Doubling over, the boy clutched his head as the current coursing through his body felt like an open livewire. Both Steven’s eyes and his gem immediately began to flash magenta, just like they had earlier.

“STEVEN!” The Crystal Gems exclaimed in shock, rushing over to the half-gem before he held out a twitching hand to stop them from touching him.

“I’m okay!” He grated as he waited for whatever was happening to him to pass again. “It doesn’t hurt; it doesn’t hurt, I promise! But _please_ don’t come any closer. I-I don’t want to risk hurting you.” 

It was a small bonus considering Steven was currently paralyzed, but at least the pain part was true.

Instead of the crippling savagery from earlier, this time, the tremors felt more like being wracked with the intense tingling sensation someone got when their foot fell asleep. Except instead of just his foot, it was every nerve on his body seizing at all the same time and leaving him helpless.

The only other sensation that even came close was what it felt like to be hit with a gem destabilizer—though this felt more like 50 destabilizers all at once.

“I-it doesn’t last long,” He tried to reassure them as he curled in further into himself and tried his best to ride it out, “Just give it a minute.” 

And true to his word, just like that, it was done. Rose’s gem once again stopped its incessant blinking and just went back to being dormant without any further warning or explanation.

Feeling a little weak at the knees once he was released, the boy let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding before dropping like a puppet with its strings cut. Thankfully Pearl and Amethyst were able to catch him underneath his arms before the boy lost balance completely.

“Steven, what on earth is going on?” Pearl asked in a flurry of worry as she did her best to support his weight. “How long has this been happening? Please don’t tell me you’ve been hiding this from us too!” 

“No—no, it just started this morning, I swear!” He explained once his feet remembered how to work again. As he pulled himself up into a standing position, there was an edge to his voice that made Pearl regret her earlier accusation. Obviously, Steven was much more panicked about the thought that he might have already broken his promise to them; then, he was over anything that was happening to him. “It happened once before in the shower,” The teen wheezed before bringing a trembling hand up to his temple, “I was going to tell you, I promise I was. That was the crash you heard earlier—b-but before I could, I had to fix things with you first.” 

Standing shoulder to shoulder with the boy, Pearl’s grip loosened on him now that Steven seemed to have regained his equilibrium. He still looked exhausted, though, so she was hesitant to let go completely. Holding him steady, the gem’s fingers remained embedded in the collar of his t-shirt just in case.

Wait.

Shoulder to shoulder?

Since when was Steven around the same height as she was?

“Oh, my stars, Steven look at you, you’re _taller_!” Pearl hollered as she took in Steven, almost stupefied by what she was seeing. Wrangling him by his shoulders, she yanked the teen full circle so she could get a better look at him. Sure enough, the boy was about three inches taller than he had been the night before.

“What? No, I’m not!” The boy replied automatically before he grasped the fact that they were almost eye to eye. “Holy pepperoni! I _am_!” Steven exclaimed, looking down at his pajama bottoms, which now rested above his ankles, no longer spilling out over the heels of his feet like they had last night. “When did that happen?!” 

“Uh... magical growth spurt?” Amethyst supplied, although she was just as clueless as the rest of them.

“But I’ve never had a magical growth spurt before!” He admitted in a panic, “Not a _real _one anyways!” Turning those big brown eyes on his family, the boy tried to navigate the middle ground between hiding just how freaked out he was and still being able to keep his promise to them.

“So I’m um, I think—I think I might be ready to share my feelings with you now. I’m not having a good time right now.” He quavered after more than a few seconds of awkward silence. “I just don’t understand. W-What’s _happening_ to me, guys?”

_To be continued…_


	8. The Men in Black vs. Greg Universe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Words to live by: When your son is a half-alien it's never really a good idea to trust black-suited strangers who wear sunglasses at night.

_—Beach City—_

_10 pm Tuesday Evening (of the previous night) …_

Greg managed to pull into the outskirts of Beach City proper before he parked off on one of the backstreets by the Big Donut and broke down crying.

It had taken just about everything he had to keep it together so that Steven wouldn't see him fall apart. His kiddo had enough on his plate after how badly the Gems had handled things back there; so this was the least and probably the _only_ thing he could do for his son right now.

Taking in huge, rasping breaths of air Greg found himself suddenly racked with chest pain, his windpipes constricting and closing in on him, now that he was finally in a space safe enough to deal with his emotions.

At first, he couldn't think at all as his vision blackened—he couldn't get in enough air; the world was suddenly spinning all around him.

For a minute, the rockstar wasn't sure if this was a panic attack or if he was actually having a stroke, but as his body shut down, Greg couldn't help but wonder if this is what people felt like right when they were dying.

It probably only lasted a few minutes, but the horrible feeling seemed to last for years before the middle-aged man was finally able to breathe again.

Sinking his face onto the steering wheel once the attack was over, Greg tried once again to get a hold of himself.

The time he spent with Rose had been the happiest in his entire life. As long as there was blood pumping in his chest, he'd never be able to regret a single minute he got to spend with her.

But some days, it also was starting to feel like he had inadvertently damned his son in exchange for his own fleeting happiness with her. There were all these problems now, and most of them were bigger than anything he had ever had to deal with when he had been Steven's age. Rose had never told him _anything_ regarding her life before they were together. The 1000-year war against the Diamonds and Homeworld—who she had really been, none of it could ever change the way Greg still felt about her, but more and more, it just didn't seem fair to Steven. How could he help his son when Greg had no frame of reference for _any_ of this?!

Steadying himself, Greg managed to sit up and took one final deep breath to steel himself for what came next.

In the distance, the Big Donut's neon light was still flickering invitingly in the evening dark. And some nights, a man just needed to indulge in his darkest desires in order to get his head on straight.

Pushing through the glass door, Greg's appearance must have startled former mayor William Dewey out of his stupor because he jerked at the sight of the man activating his service bell.

"Welcome to the Big—ugh!" Bill commented as he took in the man's red eyes and frazzled countenance. "Yeesh, Universe, you look even less put together than usual. Was there a riot at the car wash or something?" 

"I need a dozen of your triple chocolate fudge donuts. And a hot coffee to go." Greg said curtly, not really in the mood to socialize for once.

“You mean a dozen _Death by Dewey’s_.” The man corrected before he looked at the time.

Raising an eyebrow, it was apparent just how little Greg cared about what they were called right now.

"Hey, are you sure you want to do this, though?" The incompetent civil servant asked, "Steven told me that I'm supposed to cut you off after 7 pm. He said your doctor thinks you've been eating too many trans-fats lately." 

"Oh for the love of Pete, Bill. Neither you _or_ Steven are my mother.” Slamming a hundred-dollar bill down on the counter, Greg's eyes narrowed, "Here. Keep the change. Now, are you gonna get me the dang donuts or not?" The whole conversation was so uncharacteristically rude coming from the normally jovial man that Dewey instantly caved, making a beeline for the display case. Although, to be fair, it's not like the former mayor had ever been renowned for his courage in the past, either. 

Grumbling once the transaction was over and the donuts were in hand, Greg marched out of the shop with his prize and was almost ready to drive off when he noticed a figure right outside the far end of main street's boardwalk. Ruby had finally emerged from the bottom of Beach City's bay and was pacing around the entrance to Funland, still engrossed in the same rant she had been since the last time he had seen her.

Except now she was dangerously close to catching the pier on fire.

"Oh uh hey there, Rubes." Greg called out to her as he made his way down to the end of the boardwalk, "Y'know, you should probably give these poor old planks a break, huh? Mr. Smiley can't really afford another arson claim, not since he's still reeling from the last time Onion set fire to the Tilt-a-Whirl. Why don't you come hang out with me at the car wash instead? I've got a gallon of whole milk back at the shop and a dozen donuts that aren't going to eat themselves." 

Stopping in her tracks, the little gem looked her friend up and down for a few seconds as if she was sizing him up before her demeanor shifted ever so slightly. "Triple chocolate fudge?" She finally asked.

“Of _course_.” The balding man assured her as he opened the box so she could check the contents for herself, "After a night like this, I needed some of the heavy stuff if I was going to make it through all this." 

That was all Ruby needed to hear.

_Ten minutes later…_

Greg had hoped that a change of scenery and a couple of donuts might have cleared the air, but Ruby was just as aggravated at the car wash as she had been at the pier. The only difference was there was now considerably fewer donuts in the box than there had been a few minutes ago, and she was doing a pretty job of charring the pavement around the car wash's parameter.

“Hey. So say, Ruby—I know that all of this is a _lot_ to process, but maybe you should bring it down a notch, huh? I mean the way you just stormed off earlier, well, I think you upset Steven." The older man cautioned as he sat down on his lawn chair, "The way you were glaring at him like that, I think he thinks that you're really mad at him now." 

"Huh?" Caught a little off guard by the accusation, Ruby couldn't help but be perplexed, "But I wasn't glaring at Steven." 

Greg hated to press the issue, but she really had been. In fact, her attitude earlier had devastated Schtu-ball. 

He was about to comment further when she closed the distance between them and exploded, "I wasn't glaring at Steven. I was glaring at _you_, you big potato! I'm mad at you!" 

“Me?!” He repeated in shock, "What on earth did I do?" 

“NOTHING!” Ruby raged, “YOU DID _NOTHING_! THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT!" Fuming, the gem went back to stomping around again as she exclaimed, "We all just found out that Steven has a martyr complex the size of the Goddess Statue, and we all did _nothing_ to prevent it!" Growling, Ruby went on. "And who knows how many times he's done this in the past! The worst part is that you're here! You're here instead of being back at the house helping Steven. Why are you sitting here choking back donuts, listening to me? I'm not the problem you should be focusing on right now, _Mr. Universe_.”

"Hey! Don't make me out to be the bad guy here. You really looked like you could use a friend right now. I was just trying to help!" Greg deflected.

"_I_ am a fully formed gem who is perfectly happy smoldering in the red-hot fires of my own self-hatred right now, Greg. I'm not a child." She insisted, "But then it's sooo much easier to talk to me about _my_ problems, isn't it? Because I don't need to rely on you the way Steven does!" 

Clenching her little fists, the former guard was finally at the point where she could spit out the words she had been repressing for years as Garnet. Without Sapphire to ground her, Ruby's impulse control was nonexistent, and Greg needed to hear this even if he ended up hating her for it in the end. "Admit it." She accused, "The real reason that you're back here at the car wash right now doesn't have anything to do with me. It was just easier to run away than it was to stay! Do you know what your biggest problem is, Greg Universe? You're a coward." 

"What? No, I'm not! I'm not a coward." The man blurted out as he desperately tried to defend himself from her verbal attacks and the fury in those little black eyes, "I'm just a pacifist." 

“No, a pacifist has to _show_ _up_ to a battle before they decide not to fight.” The little soldier countered, "_Steven_ is a pacifist, you're a coward. Do you see the difference here? Steven never runs away from anything, no matter how much I wish he would sometimes. But you, Greg, you hide under a rock at the first sign of any trouble. You're always running away from something." 

"But I'm just a human, I can't possibly fight the way you and the Crystal Gems do—" Greg protested weakly.

“ERGH! I'm not talking about fighting! I'm talking about the way you run away from responsibility." Ruby snapped.

"When? When have I ever run away from my responsibility!?" He demanded, getting up in her face now that he was finally angry himself now. "I'm here, aren't I?! Even when I don't understand anything that's going on around me, even when your freaky alien powers terrify me, and your evil monarchs try to kidnap me, I'm still _always_ here!" 

"Well, whoopee doo! Congratulations there, Greg, you're here. I'll be sure to nominate you for the Universe's biggest participation trophy! Don't you understand that you have to do more than that; you have to be a grown-up too!" She sassed, "Because Steven _needs_ a grown-up!" 

Neither one backing down an inch; they were practically nose to nose now despite the considerable height difference.

"Other people have to live in the real world, but oh no, not _you, _not Mr. Universe!" Ruby goaded, "Oh sure, it's really easy to be the cool dad, to be Steven's _buddy_! But when he actually needs someone to protect him from the bad stuff, someone to challenge him when he's in over his head and give him some real boundaries, well golly, that's when you and your van always seem to disappear in a cloud of smoke isn't it?" 

The gem knew immediately that she had gone too far. Even when her temper had been at its hottest, Ruby had never dared to say what Garnet had been guilty of thinking for years, and it was clear by the hurt look on his face that she had touched a nerve. 

Reeling like he had been slapped, Greg let out a sharp exhale and backed away from her, his expression closing off entirely.

Exhausted and heartsick, she had burnt herself out with that last outburst too, though.

And now neither one of them could look at the other.

"You don't get it." She muttered after a moment of silence, "You-you're a great guy, Greg. But Steven doesn't need another best friend—he needs a dad. The Crystal Gems, we love Steven so much, but that doesn't mean we can replace you. We can't replace Rose either. I just wish you understood that." Sinking onto the ground, the little gem buried her head in her hands and groaned, "Aaagh. We all messed up; we messed up so badly! Sapphire and I should have known better. All of us should have _been_ better. Steven deserves so much better than this. I don't know how to fix this. Without Sapphire, I don't know what to _do_. All I've ever been good at is attacking things and following orders." 

“… You’re right…”

Not sure she heard right Ruby lifted her head to see Greg had sat back down beside her.

"I said you're right, Ruby." He repeated. "Maybe I really am just a big kid. Rose always used to tell me that the thing she loved the most about humans was that we changed. But after she died… I think I stopped wanting to. Change that is." Leaning against the van, Greg's head hit the door with a dull thud, "It was just easier, somehow. If I stayed the same, then it meant that some part of her was still here. Like she could just come back at any minute, and things would be just like how they were before." Quickly wiping his eyes, he laughed, "Isn't that terrible? That even though I love my son more than anything in the world, a part of me still couldn't let go of her even when it was obvious she was never coming back?" 

Reaching out, Ruby put a hand on Greg's thigh. "No. That's not terrible." 

"You aren't the only one who doesn't know what to do right now." He said wistfully, "But the difference is that I don't think I've _ever_ known what to do. So I just did what I always did; I just went along with what you all thought was best. I mean, let's be honest here, Steven's been smarter than me since he was eight and more mature than me by the time he was ten—so it just seemed like the obvious thing to do. He's always been such a little problem solver, y' know? And being a Crystal Gem always meant so much to him—that well, I guess I could just never say no to him. Maybe I should have. But you all seem like you're so much more put together than I am. You've been battling the forces of evil for thousands of years. I guess compared to all of you; I just didn't think I had the right to interfere in his life." 

Wiping away her tears with one hand, Ruby reached over and punched his hip with her free fist.

“Ouch! Geez, will you stop hitting me or yelling at me for one second? I'm bearing my soul here!" Greg cried out as he gingerly rubbed at the goose egg that was already forming where she had smacked him.

"Well, stop saying things that make me want to hit you." The little soldier reasoned. "Interfere, what do you mean interfere? He’s _your_ son isn’t he?” Turning to face him, Ruby reached over and squeezed his chubby hand tightly between hers, "Besides, we're your family too now. Maybe things were different in the past, but after everything that we've been through together—do you really think we think so little of you? That we don't _care_ about you and your feelings? Haven't you gotten it through your thick skull yet? Greg, the Crystal Gems can't do any of this without you." 

“_R-Ruby_…” Greg choked, getting teary-eyed again at the raw sincerity he saw there.

Bundling her up in a giant bear hug, Greg couldn't help but feel as though he had just been given a gift that was better than every birthday and Christmas combined. That single sentence had been the validation from the Crystal Gems that he had been waiting for his entire life.

"Ah, no! Agh!" Ruby cried out, squirming in vain to get away, "Don't make it weird!" Despite her griping, though, Ruby still remained in his embrace even though they both knew she was strong enough to break free at any time.

"Thank you." Greg murmured as he brought a hand up to hold her head against his, "I-I love you guys too." 

"Aw geez," Was all she could get out before the pair suddenly found themselves no longer alone. A big black SUV pulled up to the car wash parking lot, temporarily blinding them with the brights of the car's overhead lights.

Letting go of each other, Greg and Ruby turned to face the vehicle's passengers as four intimidating men wearing black suits stepped out of the automobile.

Their faces were nondescript, eyes were hidden from view since the men were wearing sunglasses at night. But for some reason, despite their bland appearance, there was something about the way the strangers were staring at them that felt downright hostile.

"Hey there, uh sorry folks, but we're closed for the evening—" Greg started getting to his feet before a badge was thrust in his face.

"Are you Greg Universe?" The driver of the car asked callously. "Formerly one Gregory DeMayo, father of one Steven Quartz Universe?"

"Um…yes…?" Greg answered bewilderedly as two of the men closed in behind him.

"Greg Universe, you are a person of interest regarding the terrorist attack that took place in Beach City a week ago. Under orders issued to me by the Governor of Delmarva, you're being placed under mandatory detention indefinitely and are to be taken to the Wilmington Police Station for further questioning." Their leader explained right as the two other agents grabbed Greg from behind and shoved him against the hood of his van. Despite his protests, handcuffs were slapped over Greg's wrists before he even had a chance to process what was happening.

"This has to be some mistake!" Greg exclaimed as he was dragged towards the holding cage where the fourth agent had opened the SUV's back door. "I just run a car wash; I'm not a terrorist!" 

"Hey! Let go of him, you big ox!" Ruby blustered as she braced to rush the biggest of the bunch.

Strangely though they just stared her down. Like they somehow had been _expecting_ this.

"It's just like in the report." One of the agents whispered to another. "This is further confirmation of alien life infesting the wilderness around Beach City." 

"Proceed with protocol A-3." The lead agent stated as two of the remaining men began to advance on Ruby.

Growling Ruby was more than willing to give them a fight if that's what they wanted. She was a proud member of the Ruby Guard, after all. Fighting was what she had been created for! Besides, no one hurt their Greg and got away with it.

What she hadn't planned for, however, was the gem destabilizer that suddenly struck her from behind a moment later.

_To be continued…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So originally, this was supposed to be my storyboard’s concept for chapter 7. But unfortunately, I caught a severe case of Steven feels and found it was easier to write his part of the story last time than to write the confrontation between Ruby and Greg. I really hope I still managed to capture their characters here, despite the heavy stuff that was said between the two. And I’d like to think I was able to touch on some legitimate issues Garnet may have been holding back on in regards to Greg’s parenting, especially since she’s always trying to be the "bigger Gem." 
> 
> Also, one of my only criticisms with the Steven Universe show itself is the fact that no one really asks questions or seems to question things in general. We all know that the citizens of Beach City are pretty cool with the Crystal Gems and the new residents of Little Homeworld. But what about the rest of the world? Rebecca Sugar has already established that this is an alternative Earth, but she still leaves many things ambiguous. There are enough Gem ruins on Earth for people to know that aliens have visited the planet at least at one point or another in history. But is it a known fact that they still live on Earth? Or do people just think that they all died in the Gem wars, and that‘s that? We don't really know. Also, allow me to go out on a limb here and think about the public at large for a minute. Not everyone is probably okay with the fact that a group of alien refugees have come from a faraway planet to make a new life for themselves on Earth. Because humans are unfortunately sort of terrible sometimes and we don't even like it when people from other countries try to do that. Please be sure to tune in next time, kids, as we explore all these concepts and more!


	9. Different kinds of truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between bullcrap and chocolate ice cream. Good thing there's the internet, right?

_—The Fry Shack—_

_Tuesday night…_

Ronaldo Fryman had dedicated years of his life to making sure that word about the supernatural happenings of Beach City was chronicled for all afficandos of the strange and unusual to bear witness to. It was his lonesome burden, his solitary vigil that he and he alone could shoulder. Like other geniuses, Ronaldo knew that he was misunderstood in his own time. Still, he wasn’t totally unappreciated. His blog, which was a meticulously handcrafted masterwork of intricate theory perfected by spending countless hours slacking off at work, had gained a small but humble following of true believers over the past few months. Okay, sure, so more than half of his followers were Steven Universe and his various family members, but Ronaldo was still confident that someday his time in the sun would finally come!

So, as he uploaded his latest TubeTube video onto his channel showing the grainy but unmistakeable footage of Steven defending himself from the barrage of Spinel’s attacks on top of the injector, he didn’t really think much of what was to come. It hadn’t been the first time Ronaldo had captured eye witness proof of Gem activity on earth after all.

_keepbeachcityweird:_

_Greetings, my devoted followers. Many of you have been wondering where your senpai has gone in this time of extreme weirdness but never fear!_ _For I have been up for over 46 hours straight cleaning up the video that you’re about to see! BEHOLD! FIRSTHAND FOOTAGE OF AN ALIEN ATTACK ON BEACH CITY! Watch as a member of our own Crystal Gems goes up against an evil entity that several eyewitnesses have confirmed to be some type of pink Slenderman! Perhaps we’re bearing witness to some type of Slenderwoman?_

_The truth will SHOCK YOU!!!_

_Click the link above to watch the entire thing on TubeTube! And rate, like and subscribe please!_

The video had already gotten four likes by the time Ronaldo had brushed his teeth and finished his nightly routine. Checking his phone one last time before putting it on the nightstand, the boy beamed in triumph. It looked like this latest video was turning out to be a hit; it was already proving to be one of his most popular updates yet!

Little did he know that count would be over 9,000,000 views by 6 am the following morning.

* * *

_—The Beach House—_

_8 am Wednesday morning…_

“Steven, are you sure you’re alright?” Pearl called as she knocked on his door for the third time. There was so much rolling around and muttering going on the other side that the gem was half worried that he was having another one of his strange attacks. Turning the doorknob so could check on him, Pearl had almost caught a glimpse of the half-naked boy struggling to pull on a pair of pants when he let out a mortified yelp and managed to chuck a perfectly timed balled up t-shirt at the hinges, causing the door to slam back shut in her face. A thud followed the rushing sound of footsteps as Steven used his own body as a barricade between her and entry into his room.

“NO! I-I mean, _yes_!” He called out in falsetto as he tried to multitask between being a human doorstop and working the zipper of his suddenly way too tight jeans, “I mean, I fine Pearl. Just don’t come in!” 

“Oh Steven,” Pearl scoffed as she bemoaned humans and their ridiculous need for privacy, “Now there’s no need to be embarrassed. Don’t you remember how often I used to help you change when you were little?” 

“_Peaaaarl_.” The boy whined, a small part of him hoping that the floor would swallow him up if it meant that they didn’t have to have this conversation. “Please go away. I just need a few more minutes, and then we can go find Ruby and Dad.” 

“Oh _alright_!” The slender gem huffed as she marched back downstairs, “But if you aren’t ready in five minutes, I’m sending Amethyst in there. Consider yourself warned, young man.” 

“She’ll do it too, dude.” Amethyst called from the bottom of the staircase.

Groaning, Steven did his best to ignore them and looked at the pile of clothes he had strewn out across his floor in a panic.

Almost none of his pants fit him anymore, especially since Pearl still bought more than half of his jeans from the boy’s section. Steven had been growing a lot over the last two years (especially when you considered how short he had been before this), but up until this morning, the youth had still been on the smaller side height wise when compared to most teenage boys his age.

Turning his head so he could look at himself in the overhead mirror hanging on his door, Steven glared at his reflection. He couldn’t help but wonder if this wasn’t some form of divine punishment that the universe was sending him for well, for being _Steven Universe_. Or maybe his mom had managed to anger a giant space turtle with intergalactic time powers, and so now Steven was getting a year’s worth of puberty crammed into the course of a day. It was probably all payback for some other horrible crime of hers that he had no part in committing.

Well, it wasn’t like this was the strangest thing that had happened to him recently.

But Steven wasn’t just taller now; his shoulders and back were broader, and even his waist had tapered down a bit. There was still some softness around his midsection, but the new muscle definition on his chest and arms, well, that _definitely_ hadn’t been there yesterday.

His face was still the same, though, the same round, boyish face he saw every day, with the same extreme lack of facial hair despite all his efforts to the contrary.

Man, what a total gyp. He should have at least gotten a killer beard or a goatee out of this whole mess.

“DUUUUUUUDE! Come on already!” Amethyst heckled from the banister, breaking the boy out of his thoughts. “Do we need to send out a search party or something?” Moaning when he didn’t answer, the purple gem banged her skull against the newly fixed railing, “Arrrgh! You’re _pretty_, alright Steve-a-roni? So just pick out something and come down already. Pearl’s seriously freaking out!” 

Of course, Steven wanted to come out, but what was he supposed to do here? He couldn’t just wander around Beach City in his boxer shorts!

“Hey, wait a second—” The teen suddenly exclaimed to himself, having an epiphany as he remembered there were still some of his dad’s hand me downs somewhere in the back of his closet. Tearing into the boxes, he almost cried in joy at the sight of several old band t-shirts and a pile of board shorts from Greg’s ‘surfer phase.’ 

“YES!”

Twenty-two-year-old Greg Universe was a lot closer to Steven’s size right now than anything else in his room, so when the shorts slipped on and were even a little baggy on him, the boy practically burst into song from the sheer relief. After that, it was just a matter of finding a shirt that wasn’t too beat up and slipping it over his head.

“Sorry!” Steven called as he tore open his door and barreled down the staircase, “Sorry for the wait; I’m here. What I miss?” 

“_Whoa_.” Amethyst gaped as she took in the teenager’s appearance. “I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen you _not_ wear pastels before. Does it feel weird? Are you in pain? Do you need a cookie?” 

“Well… maybe I’m not in pain _per se _, but I wouldn’t say no to a cookie if you have one.” Steven retorted good-naturedly, smacking her away with his palm when she started circling him like a shark.

The two quickly devolved into their usual string of friendly banter and sibling-like teasing, so neither one saw the look on Pearl’s face.

It was apparent that Steven was wearing his father’s old clothing thanks to his ‘magical growth spurt,’ the red board shorts and black Mr. Universe t-shirt complete with cut off sleeves were instantly recognizable from Greg’s younger days.

From the get-go, most people who saw Steven usually always tended to associate him with his father. After all, they had the same nose, the same cheekbones, and even the same carefree grin.

The only prominent thing that Steven had ever shared with his mother before this had been those ridiculous curls of theirs.

Now, however, there were ghosts of Rose all over Steven’s face.

He had the same large, almond-shaped eyes.

And even his mouth was starting to look more like hers. This last growth spurt had trimmed away a little of the baby fat along his cheeks and jawline, which made Rose’s… or rather Pink’s bow-shaped lips even more accented on the boy’s face.

Trying to stifle the ache in her chest, Pearl hadn’t seen Rose’s smile in over sixteen years.

If she was honest, the gem had thought that she would never get to see it outside of her dreams ever again.

“Hey Pearl?”

“… Pearl…?”

“PEARL!_” _Steven called out for a third time.

That did it.

“Huh? What?” Pearl stammered as she wrenched herself out of her thoughts. “Goodness, I was light years away from the conversation just now. Sorry, Steven, what were you saying?” 

“I was just saying Sapphire and Amethyst are down at the beach already." The boy replied, pointing to the screen door. Sure enough, there were two empty spaces where the other members of Crystal Gems had been standing just moments earlier. "C’mon, we should catch up.” 

Noticing that she was still looking at him oddly, Steven couldn’t help the self-conscious flush that spread across his cheeks. Immediately fiddling with his shirt, he asked, “Does it look weird?” 

“No! No, of course not. You look just fine.” Pearl reassured him, even going so far as to pat his hand. “In _fact_, you look just your father did when he was your age!” It was a pretty blatant lie, but before he could call her out on it, Pearl had stepped out of his path and was rushing down the stairs. 

Not wanting to push the matter further, Steven just left it that, locking the front door behind them. The way she had just belted that out was way too messy to be even the least bit convincing, though. Never mind the fact that even now, Pearl was purposely going out of her way to look anywhere _but_ at him.

Biting his lip, Steven took a deep breath and tried to push down the bitter feelings pooling in his stomach as he followed behind her.

Hadn’t they had all _just_ promised that they would start being honest with each other from now?

So why was she lying?

The worst part of all of this was—that he couldn’t even find it in himself to be mad at her anymore. At this point, he was just disappointed.

After everything that had happened this morning, was a promise from the Crystal Gems really _that_ worthless?

_To be continued…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this turned into a bit more of a fluff chapter than I was planning it to, but I enjoyed writing the family dynamic here, especially considering the things to come. This ended up being a stand-alone chapter instead of linking it to one of the longer, more plot-driven ones. 
> 
> Also... while the Steven Universe fandom is incredible in many amazing ways, we have a lousy track record when it comes to gatekeeping body types. Even now, as Steven Universe Future is being promoted and hyped up, you'll find tags like #KeepStevenChubby trending on Tumblr and Twitter. Rebecca Sugar even has gotten some flack for her decision to make Teen Steven more average in his build now that he's older. I can definitely understand people's feelings towards this, and I can see both sides here. Steven Universe is a revolutionary show that incorporates diversity, body positivity, and LBGTQ+ themes into a beautiful story with incredible characters that talk about emotions, relationships, and the power of love in a way few children's shows ever have before. So it's natural that we all have some pretty big feelings about the show. With that said, though, the Steven, in my story, is going to go through some pretty significant growing pains that might alter his appearance in the chapters to come. Please know that while I'm definitely not out to turn him into a Marvel superhero or a generic anime pretty boi, as I want to keep Steven as Steven-y as possible, I'm also trying to emphasize that right now, his diamond and maybe even aspects of Pink Diamond herself are influencing both his physical and mental state. If my version of Steven Universe is a little bit different from the one you have in your head, I sincerely hope that doesn't ruin your ability to enjoy this story. All Stevens are good Stevens in my eyes, whether they're skinny, thick, or anything in between.


	10. The curious case of the disappearing dad

_—Beach City Boardwalk—_

The nice thing about living in a small town was that almost everything was about a 10-minute walk from everything else. Usually, mornings were the best time of the day to see the townies in real-time before they had to shuffle off to their daily grinds. Kiki was usually out for her morning run by now, Peedee was meticulously wiping down counters and counting the number of straws in each of the Fry Shack's dispensers, and Mr. Smiley was emptying the quarters out of the arcade machines and shoving them into giant trash bags. Pepper in some mild property damage or light vandalism from Onion, and it was just a typical day in Beach City.

Today, however, was not a typical day. In fact, none of the usual comings and goings were taking place as most of Beach City's locals were nowhere to be found.

It was more than a little strange.

Turning off of the main street so they could take the next road over to where 'It's a Wash' was located, Amethyst wasn't just wondering where the heck half of Beach City had wandered off to; she was also having a hard time figuring out just who had gone and killed the mood all of a sudden. One minute she and Steven had been joking and ribbing each just like old times, and now everyone was back to being all silent and moody again.

It was evident from the get-go that something was up with Pearl. The other gem was doing that weird robot walk of hers where her arms bent like they were screwed on backward, and her gait became bow-legged somehow. It usually only happened when Pearl was trying to compartmentalize something and was failing horribly at it. After all, she was kind of the _worst_ when it came to hiding her feelings or lying.

And Steven… Well, Steven, on the other hand, just looked annoyed. It was still kind of a rare look on him, though, especially since he was usually just so darn positive all the time. His hands were shoved in his pockets, and his body language was screaming, 'don't talk to me right now.' Steven seemed to be purposely walking as fast as he could to get to the car wash, so the teenager was several yards ahead of the rest of them, which seemed to suit him just fine.

Agitated at both of them, Amethyst was about to mouth off about the situation when Sapphire put a hand on her shoulder to stop her.

"I know what you're about to say." She interjected calmly, "And it won't help. In all fourteen scenarios that I've envisioned, another fight is inevitable between the two of them. All we can do is just sit back and see which one will be the first to instigate." 

“Does it really _not_ matter which one is the one that starts it?” Amethyst asked curiously.

"Not particularly." Sapphire shrugged, "All of these scenarios will reach their evitable conclusion, and Steven and Pearl will forgive each other like they always do. In the meantime, however, I foresee the deflection of emotions, a series of complicated feelings in regards to Rose and hmm… even a rubber chicken and a bowling ball in one scenario. How _odd_.”

"Yeah, I'm not going to lie, most of that still sounds awful." Amethyst whispered a little guiltily, "But now I kinda want to see the rubber chicken future." 

Finally making it to the car wash, Steven and the rest of the Gems were a little surprised to see that the shop was still closed up. There was a huge line forming of Dad's regular customers, and they all looked furious. Cars were starting to spill out into the street and even around the side of the building. Most folks there looked like they had been waiting for a while now, so Steven could feel more than one pair of eyes glaring at him from behind the wheels of their various vehicles.

On the plus side, at least it seemed that not _all _of Beach City’s residents had gone missing after all.

Making a beeline for one of the few friendly faces in the crowd, Steven spotted Yellowtail driving Vidalia's beat-up cream-colored pickup truck. She had been commissioned to paint a mural in Little Homeworld recently, and the paint-splattered nightmare that was her flatbed was proof she was working overtime to create something gigantic. It was a newly greenlit project signed off on by Mayor Nanefua and funded by one Greg Universe eccentric millionaire as a welcome home present for the uncorrupted gems. 

Calling out to the boy, Yellowtail belted out a string of the usual gibberish as he began to explain the situation. Steven nodded along when he was expected to and asked questions when prompted since, over the years, he had gotten somewhat decent at deciphering the seemingly intelligible language that Yellowtail and Onion shared.

"So you knocked on the office door and checked the van?" Steven replied to the fisherman, "And there was still no sign of him anywhere? No, no, you're right. That's not like Dad at all; he'd at least leave a note." Digging his dad's master key out of his wallet, the half-gem thanked the man and bolted for the main office. He made sure to check the van once more, though, just in case his father had just put on his 'Beats' headphones and had passed out listening to 'Vixen' again.

But there was no sign of either Greg or Ruby anywhere.

“DAAAD?” Steven hollered, moving to the next place he could search as he unlocked the office door. Out of all the spaces in 'It's a Wash,' this room was probably the most unused area on the property. Greg just usually hung out outside on his lawn chair and kept his change box by his feet so he could interact with his customers face to face. Opening it up, there was the expected level of dust on the shelves, some loosely scattered hoses here and there, and a couple of empty bottles of tire protectant—but no Dad.

Dialing Greg's phone again, Steven started to get a little bit panicked at this point. They hadn't seen him at the Big Donut on the way here, he wasn't at the house with the rest of them, the van and Dondai were both parked outside the carwash, and everyone knew Greg would never _walk_ to Brooding Hill.

So where else could he be if he wasn’t _here_?

Again, there was no answer, the call going straight to voicemail—just like the last time.

“Steven!” Sapphire called out from the parking lot, pulling him out of his thoughts. Her voice had such a stricken tone that he immediately broke into a sprint, quickly rejoining his family outside where they were kneeling by the van.

"Steven, look." Pearl pointed, showing him the charred yet unmistakably small footprints of Ruby's from the night before. Only a fire gem like their former foot soldier could have left those deep, scorching prints in the pavement without damaging any other part of the surrounding area.

"It gets worse." Amethyst chimed in before revealing the lumpy box of donuts that had been tossed under the van the night before. “These aren’t just _any_ donuts, these are triple chocolate fudge donuts! And more than half of them are still in the box. We all know that neither Greg _or_ Ruby would have just dumped these here and walked away. Something big _must_ have happened to them.”

And that right there was pretty much proof in the donuts— something was wrong.

"Alright," Steven declared, instantly snapping into leadership mode. "Pearl and Sapphire, you take the warp pad to Little Homeworld and see if anyone's seen either of them. Amethyst, you catch a ride with Yellowtail and go back to Vidalia's house. Dad sometimes likes to hang out there when he needs to ask her about parenting stuff or when he tries to beg her to do his laundry. I'm going to backtrack and hit the boardwalk again, 'Sadie and the Suspects' have a show in Charm City two weeks from now, and Jenny's been trying to create new costume designs. So maybe Dad just forgot to mention that he was doing manager stuff today." 

“Right.” The three Crystal Gems agreed.

"Let's all meet back here in an hour, okay?" The teenager prompted before he broke away and started jogging back towards the pier. 

“Don’t worry, someone _has_ to have seen them.” Pearl called back, trying to be optimistic. "I mean, it's not like they could just disappear into thin air." 

"You heard her, dude, we'll find them!" Amethyst chimed in as the youth disappeared around a corner with a wave.

"Amethyst…" Sapphire murmured, gingerly resting a hand on Ruby's footprint, "They _ didn't _ fight. Neither Pearl nor Steven yelled at each other just now. This wasn't in the future that I foresaw. _None_ of this was in any of the visions I saw happen today." 

"Oh c'mon, I'm sure this kind of stuff happens all the time." Amethyst tried to joke before been she found herself met with an almost deafening silence. "Right?"

Shaking her head Sapphire imparted what little wisdom she could here. "No, it doesn't," She explained solemnly, "You've heard me mention before that the lines of fate are never certain that people have to choose their own destinies. But I've only ever seen ripples like these happen maybe two or three times in my lifetime. I'm afraid that we may now be traveling down a virtually improbable path to a completely unforeseen future. One that's was so unlikely ever to occur that I'm, well, completely _blind_ to it." 

* * *

_—Fish Stew Pizza—_

Something really peculiar was going on today.

The first sign that things were off happened when Gunga had gotten a call at the crack of dawn from the Governor's Office. The conversation had been curt and tense, but whatever the Governor had said had stricken the Pizza matriarch's normally indomitable spirit to her core. Ashen and visibly shaken, it was rare to see the older woman affected like this. Gunga was the type of person who prided herself on the fact she would never bow or break during times of adversity. So when she was asked what was going on, Nanefua simply smiled and continued getting ready for the day. In the end, no one, not even Kofi, knew what had transpired between her and Governor. In fact, the only hint that something was wrong at all was when the little mayor kissed each of her grandchildren goodbye, meeting her mayoral bodyguards at the door just like she did every morning. Today, however, Nanefua turned back and, in a calm and pleasant voice, asked her family not to go near City Hall until they had word from her that it was safe to do so.

The conversation had unnerved Kiki so much that she opted not to go on her morning run, just in case she needed to be close to her family today.

So while the mayor went off to City Hall like she did every day, the rest of the Pizzas started their typical weekday morning, in the same manner, they always did, while trying to keep a low profile.

Well, to be accurate, _most_ of the Pizza family was interested in keeping a low profile. The youngest Pizza was expecting to do big things today, and she had way too many plans to spare a thought on politics. With those big plans in mind, Jenny was blazing through her chores at lightning speed when the pizza parlor service bell rang, and two figures stepped into the restaurant. 

"Oh, hey!" Jenny called in delight when she realized that the customers at the door weren't customers at all but rather an intricate part of her special project for the day. "You guys are early! Come on in and have a seat, and I'll be finished as soon as I can." 

"Hey Jenny." Lars said pleasantly as he pulled the door closed behind him and Padparadscha. "Take your time. We're not in any rush." 

"Lars," The little orange sapphire exclaimed as she followed him to a nearby table, "I predict that Jenny will be running late!" 

Smiling affectionately at his small friend, the pink-skinned boy retorted, "You don't need to be able to prophesize things to see that, Padparadscha. Jenny’s _always_ running late.” Shooting a glance at the offending Pizza twin, he winked at her playfully through his scarred eye.

"Can you believe this guy, Paddy?" Jenny scoffed at him in mock displeasure. "You know, I remember there once was a time when you actually used to be charming. What happened?" 

“Ha! No, you didn't!" Lars shot back before leaning back deeper into his chair, "You _never_ used to think I was charming." 

"Okay, okay, fair point." The more vivacious of the twins agreed before she smacked his feet down when he tried to put them on the table. "But that was only because you were always trying too hard. On the few occasions that you actually managed to relax, you could be uh, well…" Struggling for words, she settled on, "Not terrible sometimes." 

“Not terrible huh? Well, if that isn't a glaring endorsement, then I don't know what else is." The space pirate repeated before he threw back his head and laughed.

It was nice to be at a place finally where Lars and the cool kids _could_ laugh about these kinds of things now.

After all, dying and being brought to life as a pink reanimated well _whatever_ he was sort of tended to change your whole perspective on things. So being able to joke about how ridiculous and insecure he had been in the past was also one of the best ways that Lars got to see just how far he'd come since then.

It had taken him a while to get here, but now Lars was pretty thankful for having to deal with all the loneliness and self-esteem issues he had had in the past. Because all those struggles had helped shape him into the person he was now. He was proud of the scared mean spirited kid who had managed to come out a space captain on the other side. Okay, sure, so he wasn't 100% human anymore, but hey, this was Beach City, so that was pretty old hat anyway. And besides, now, he had real friends, a purpose, and most importantly, he actually _liked_ the person who stared back at him in the mirror every morning.

He had finally become someone who was worthy of the life Steven had saved all those years ago back on Homeworld. 

Watching the trio make friendly conversation from the kitchen, Kiki let out a groan. Now that the pair were physically in the shop, she knew that a dog had a better chance of being fitted with helicopter blades than her sister had of actually doing any more work around the pizzeria today.

Moving into the seating area, Kiki gripped her twin by the shoulders, allowing herself one more long-suffering sigh before cutting her losses and grudgingly slipping into her role as the Responsible Sister™.

"Fine, you win. I'll finish up. So just go. _Now_. Before I come to my senses and change my mind." Kiki deadpanned, "But know this, sister mine. I will release you into the wild today, but someday I may demand a favor in return." 

Kissing her older twin's cheek, Jenny didn't need to be told twice, instantly latching onto the 'get out of jail free card' offered to her. "You're my bestest and most favorite twin! Mwaaaaah." She cooed, making sure that the kiss was extra wet and sloppy before blowing a raspberry into Kiki's skin for good measure.

The older girl let out a shriek, calling her sister disgusting before she quickly escaped back into the kitchen.

"Okay! You heard the woman, Paddy, let's get started." Jenny exclaimed, running for her supplies. It took a while, but the girl carried a giant sewing kit and several half-finished costumes when she emerged a few minutes later. In fact, her hands were so full that Lar's couldn't really see her upper body anymore. "Thanks again for being my stand-in, Padparadscha," She stated before pawning most of her supplies off on the boy beside her. Despite being handed half a department store, Lar's knees only buckled a little as he found himself saddled with the enormous load.

"Cripes!" The boy griped, "What did you put in these things, rocks?!" 

Ignoring him, Jenny got to work. "As I was saying, you're the best. I mean, Sadie's just so dang busy these days that I can never tie her down long enough to do a proper fitting! And we need this next show in Charm City to slay. Luckily for me, you two are almost the same height." Affectionately cuffing the alien's cheek, the Pizza sister added, "Besides, it's not often that I get to work with such a cute model." 

It took Padparadscha a moment for the time delay to catch up with her, but once it did, you could practically see the little Sapphire's blush glowing from space.

While the truth was that even though Lars didn't have much in the way of a heartbeat anymore, just seeing that pleased expression on Padparadscha's face, well, it was more than enough to make his heart skip a beat. 

It was honestly just one more reason why he liked Jenny so much these days. He had long since gotten over his strange and complicated crush on the girl, which now he could see for what it was. The only reason he had ever liked her in the first place was that the old him had been so desperately insecure that he had wanted to date someone cool just to feel better about himself. He had never had any real feelings for Jenny. But that was because back then Lars hadn't even known who the real Jenny Pizza _was_.

And hey, just because the boy didn't want to go out with her anymore, though, didn't mean Jenny wasn't still awesome in his book.

Many people, even certain gems, still had difficulty accepting the Off Colors. Even when their intent was harmless, it was hard for folks to deal with someone who wasn't on the same wavelength time-wise as they were. So at times, it was just easier for people to treat someone like Padparadscha like she was delayed or somehow slow in the head when that just wasn't true at all! Paddy just marched to the beat of her own drum, and that was fine. She was perfect just the way she was, and there was absolutely nothing wrong with her.

Which was why when people like Jenny or Steven took his crew exactly as they were, without any expectations or trying to force them to fit in, well that made Captain Lars a pretty happy guy.

Because those were the type of friends you fought for.

Or in this case, those were the friends you stood around like a lump for and carried a hundred pounds of sewing supplies.

Lars could do that too, he supposed.

_Thirty minutes later…_

"There," Jenny said, jolting the other teen out of his daydream. She had been so focused on her sewing that he had decided to space out for a bit and resign himself to his fate as a human coat-hanger.

Standing up to admire her work, the younger Pizza sister had to admit that she amazed even herself sometimes.

"Well, so what do you think?" She asked Lars as she unveiled her masterpiece.

Staring up at the two humans with her big, heavily lashed eye Padparadscha's bangs had been shifted off her forehead and clipped back with bobby pins to expose her pretty face. Two carefully crafted wolf ears were poking out from the bonnet Jenny had made, along with a matching tail and big mitted pawed gloves. The whole costume was an attractive mix of little Red Riding Hood meets Victorian horror.

On Sadie, this kind of costume would be the ideal blend of punk and sass, and Lars could already picture the way she'd add all the perfect little gruesome details to the outfit that would wind up making it bone-chilling.

On Paddy, however, this costume made her the cutest thing Lars had ever seen.

But still, he couldn’t just up and _say_ that. Lars may have changed a lot over the last few years, but he still had some pride as a man after all. And besides, any mention of overanalyzing either Sadie or Paddy's clothing in this situation could potentially place him in seriously hot water with the girls.

He was about to respond when suddenly the front door of the pizza parlor slammed open, and speak of the devil, Steven Universe himself barged in, looking somewhat frantic.

"Oh, hey there, Steven!" Jenny beamed, "You're just in time. Check it out; I just finished Sadie's new costume. I still need to add some final touches, but what do you think?" 

Not wanting to ignore the question but also really needing to ask about his dad, Steven seemed openly conflicted for a minute before he decided that politeness should win over desperation in this situation.

"Lars, Steven has arrived!" Padparadscha announced a few seconds later before she ran up to meet him at the door.

Just like Jenny, Steven naturally gave her a few seconds so that the sapphire could be on the same page as the rest of them. Now that Padparadscha was looking up at him expectantly, the boy knew that he couldn't let the gem down with a half-hearted answer any more than he could commit a robbery or kick a puppy.

"Aw Padparadscha, you're the cutest thing ever!" The half-gem gushed.

There were stars in his eyes as Steven took both the little gem's hands in his own, spinning her around a few times so he could get a look at all the fine details. Preening under the stream of compliments from Steven and Jenny, it didn't take long before Padparadscha began to feel as brilliant as a diamond. 

"You did such a great job here, Jenny." The boy commended as she walked him through her design process, "Sadie's going to look amazing in this!" 

_"Well ok… so maybe **Steven Universe** could get away with saying stuff like that to girls"._ Lars thought slightly annoyed. _"The **rest **of the men on earth still had their manly pride to consider."_

"So uh, speaking of the show," Steven probed, his tone suddenly getting serious again now that there was a lull in the conversation, "You guys haven't seen my dad or Ruby today, have you?" 

“Nuh-uh.” Jenny informed him as she finished cleaning up all the loose fabric and pins. "I haven't seen Mr. Universe for a few days now. We have a practice scheduled on Friday, and he's supposed to be there to help us go over our new routine. But that's not for another two days, though." Sizing him up, she crossed her arms and sassed, "So how about you, Universe junior? Are _you_ planning on showing up to that practice? Last time I checked, you were still a member of Sadie Killer and the Suspects too." 

"Ah... Nah. I think I'm still supposed to be taking an indefinite leave of absence from the band." He noted with a shrug. "Although I guess that could change barring any future alien attacks or other Gem related cataclysmic events. So—I don't know, maybe? What time is it on Friday?" 

Jenny was just about to reply to him when Lars, who had been silent for the last few minutes of their conversation, suddenly let out a shriek.

"HOLY SMOKES!" The pink boy belted out now that he had taken in the fact that Steven was almost as tall as he was. "What the heck happened to _you_?! I mean, you sound like Steven Universe, and you kind of look like him too, but you must have eaten the kid or something because I _do_ _not_ remember you being this tall two days ago!" 

"Oh, uh yeah." Steven acquiesced with a rather pathetic excuse for a laugh, "Well, that's because I _ wasn't_ this tall two days ago." 

"Captain Lars, it seems that Steven's diamond is currently malfunctioning, which is somehow creating strange fluctuations in his organic form." The little sapphire reported from her spot next to Jenny a moment later. 

Rubbing the back of his neck, Steven tried to brush it off as casually as possible, "Pretty much what she said. It's just standard Gem stuff, though. I'm..." Fading out at the last part, he tried to recover from his slip up by flashing them the fakest smile they had ever seen. "I'm fine. Don't worry about it; I'm used to these kinds of things happening by now." 

Yeah, right, and Lars was the Space Pope. He knew the kid well enough by now to know when something was really eating at him.

Saddling up beside him, Lars knocked the younger boy's shoulder with his own, "Hey. So look, I didn't mean anything back there, man. You just took me by surprise, is all. Do you wanna uh, talk about it? Because I'm here if you need to." 

"Yeah, I know you are." Steven said, the plastic smile he was wearing morphing back into something much more genuine, "Thanks, Lars. But for right now, I just really need to focus on finding my dad." 

"Sure, anything you need." Lars agreed, "I'll even help you look." Turning to Jenny, he asked, "Hey, would you mind taking Paddy back to my place in a bit? I'm going to help Steven look around Beach City." 

Maybe it was stupid of him to expect a little more protest out of Jenny, but she immediately shooed them away with little to no fuss. After all, she had been much more interested in hanging out with Padparadscha anyway, so what did she care? She had honestly just needed him to be an extra pair of hands today.

In another time and place, Lars might have been offended by that. But since Jenny and Paddy were perfectly content to carry on without him, what else could he do but just let it go? 

* * *

_—The Boardwalk—_

Having a second person made covering more ground so much easier.

But then that was just Lars for you. He was reliable like that.

In the last two years, Steven and Lars had come to understand each other better, and their friendship had blossomed. While Connie would always be Steven's first and dearest friend, Lars knew about the Gems and Homeworld's darker side that Steven didn't always feel like he could talk about with anyone else.

And they both knew _exactly_ what it felt like to be trapped in between two worlds, with no idea what the future held or what aging or even death had in store for them.

It was pretty scary to face those questions alone. So little by little, the two boys had come together and found that it was easy to confide in one other. Now Lars was a grounding presence and source of support in Steven's life, much like Connie and his Dad had their 'Human Beings' club.

“Hey. So don't even worry about it, Steven. We'll find your dad in no time. I'm mean, there's only like ten places in all of Beach City he could be." The other teen tried to reassure him as he held out a rose-colored fist, "The Almost-Human-But-Not-Quite Alliance?" 

Letting out a small, brittle laugh, Steven brought his own fist up and automatically rapped it against his friend's, "The Almost-Human-But-Not-Quite Alliance." 

_To be continued…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a running joke that Rebecca Sugar had to make Steven Universe because she couldn't just write a TV show about Lars and Sadie hanging out at the Big Donut and bantering back and forth. I can see the appeal there, though, as writing Lars is a lot of fun.


	11. To die, to sleep – perchance to dream

_—The Boardwalk—_

_Twenty minutes later..._

“Hey, so I just talked to Peedee.” Lars called over to Steven from the far corner of the boardwalk, “And apparently, there’s something huge going on down at City Hall. Most of the folks in Beach City are supposedly there because of some secret emergency meeting that the mayor called. That means your dad’s probably there too, right?” 

“Lars, that’s great news!” The other boy proclaimed as a surge of relief washed over him. That made perfect sense. “Of course, Dad would be there if Mayor Nan—" The words died on his lips, as it suddenly felt like electricity was being wired straight into his spine again. The energy traveled through his body and exploded into his head with a blinding force, as for the third time that morning, Steven’s diamond began to rage against him.

Letting out a guttural cry, Steven fell to his knees, writhing in pain. One hand clutching at his gem as the other shakily entwined itself in his hair, he pulled at the curls there as he desperately fought to keep ahold of himself.

But it was no use.

This was bad.

This was _so_ much worse than any of the other attacks had been up till now!

Buzzing.

The high, constant buzzing was back, blaring in his mind, making his head pound, making it so hard even to think again.

Pink was everywhere, like a fog, seeping into Steven’s mind and pulling him under. Even worse, words were slowly becoming mere sounds, without meaning or substance as they were drowned out by the sheer amount of pain behind it all.

It hurt. Everything hurt so_ much_.

“STEVEN!" Lars exclaimed as he sank on the pavement next to his friend. "Steven, hey, answer me! What’s going on?” 

But the kid wouldn’t raise his head; he wouldn’t even open his eyes. The boy's fingers clenched convulsively, the heel of his palm pressing into his sweat-slicked forehead as if the mere action could wrench loose whatever horrible thing had taken control of him. Magenta waves of electricity started to crackle around them as if an ungrounded power current had erupted underneath him. The bursts of energy almost gave off the same type of force as Steven’s shield, but this time they were repelling instead of protecting.

“STEVEN!” Lars tried again, shaking his shoulders despite the pushback of energy that was physically forcing him back. “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong! Come on, man!” 

Lost in his own head Steven swore he could hear a voice calling his name, faint, full of fear, and yet vaguely familiar.

But it sounded so far away…

The voice wavered in the back of his mind, piercing through the fiery haze of pain and the infernal buzzing that wanted to drown it out completely.

Hands were griping his shoulders now, cold and, yet strangely kind even when they were jerking him back and forth.

_"...Lars…?"_

Steven’s broken mind finally managed to register him.

_"Oh no. No h-he has to stay away—I’m too dangerous!"_

“D-don’t …” He slurred before trying to push Lars away, afraid of what his short-circuiting powers could do to his friend if he got too close. The words were thick and heavy on his tongue; it was just so hard to think.

“Hey, there you are! You had me scared half to death.” The pink-skinned teen burst out in relief when he saw a flicker of recognition form in Steven’s eyes before he was shoved by his friend’s trembling hand. “Oh, quit being a self-sacrificing idiot already, and just shut up and let me help you!” Lars shot back as he tried to pull the youth up off the street and move him somewhere safe, “Besides, you’re not the diamond of me; you can’t tell me what to do here!” 

He wasn’t a Gem, but he wasn’t wholly organic anymore either, so Lars was pretty sure that whatever Steven was afraid could hurt him wouldn’t have the same effect on him that it would on the others. After all, there were only so many things that _could_ hurt you when you were half dead, to begin with. Not to say that the currents of energy flying off Steven’s diamond weren’t uncomfortable because they were. But Lars could handle a little discomfort if it meant getting the kid somewhere where he could get him the help he needed.

Grunting from the effort of getting him to his feet, the older boy tried to hide just how terrified he was by channeling into his black sense of humor, “Steven, in all seriousness _no one_ that looks as fluffy and harmless as _you_ do should weigh this much. It’s like you’re made of solid rock here!” 

Lars didn’t get an answer, but then he didn’t really expect one either. The half-gem slung across his shoulders was limp in his arms, almost too far gone even to hear him anymore.

Steven’s body was both shutting down and being run into the ground at the same time. The constant flood of energy left him unable to move but still forced to feel every single jolt that was being burned into his nerve endings. He kept blinking, hoping to clear his vision, but the pink fog refused to leave. So all he could do was stare blindly at nothing, as useless tears began to slide down his unseeing eyes.

His powers couldn’t heal him when _they_ were the thing that was broken in the first place.

And it wasn’t stopping.

Unlike the last two times, things were getting worse with each passing minute.

If it didn’t stop soon, his head was going to split in two.

“Oh man, what should I even do here?” Lars panicked out loud; his friend was white as a sheet and seemed to be deteriorating with each step they took. “Should I take you to a hospital? Would they even _know_ what to do with you there? But what about the Gems? It’s sort of the same thing here, right? I mean, they’re pretty much just projections of light, so would they know what to do with the squishy human parts of you?” Wrenching his eyes shut, Lars screamed out to the void. “Agh! This is all so confusing! Maybe I should just pick a direction and run for it?!” 

Out of all the times for a seaside boardwalk to be devoid of tourists, or gems, or just people, in general, why did it have to be _today_?

“Steven, hey, stay with me, okay?” He coached, “I know that it hurts, but we’re going to get you taken care of; I promise we will.” 

The kid's breathing was starting to come out in sharp, painful little gasps like he couldn’t get in enough air. Steven wanted to answer him back; he _ hated_ to hear the sound of panic and fear in Lar’s voice like that—but he was just so tired, his mouth wasn’t working at all anymore. And he had so little fight left in him at this point.

The buzzing in his head was like a tsunami—and one more wave was all it would take for his gem to swallow him down into the dark for good.

Maybe when it did, Steven could finally stop—maybe he could finally rest for a bit.

The truth was he was just so tired of fighting.

* * *

Probably the only thing that was worse than seeing Steven in pain like that was when it all just stopped.

Without any warning, the boy’s diamond shuddered before letting out a final burst of power. The jewel was shining so intensely that it temporarily lit up the entire boardwalk in a blaze of pink right before the end there. And even in his panicked state, it was so bright that Lar’s couldn’t help but wonder if Gems could see this back on Homeworld. He didn't have time to ponder that for long, though, as the force from that last surge felt like a bomb going off. It instantly managed to knock both of the teens off their feet, Lars being thrown in one direction and Steven the other.

Groaning as he ate wood chips and dirt, Lars picked his head up off the ground once he could see straight and made sure he still had all his body parts.

Almost getting blown up had _not_ been on his list of things to do today.

“Steven?” He called out to his friend once he was sure all his fingers and toes were exactly where they should be.

There was no answer, and both the boy and his gem were disturbingly still. 

Running over to where Steven lay on the ground, Lars picked his pal up before stifling a gasp and almost dropping him again.

Steven was still alive, and he was breathing—but there was no one in there anymore. The boy’s large round eyes were partially open, unshed tears clinging to the corner of his eyelashes. But there was nothing at all behind them now. Those brown eyes were just empty—_soulless_. Everything that made Steven well _Steven_ was gone, and a living doll had taken the place of where the Leader of the Crystal Gems had been not ten minutes earlier.

On the verge of having a panic attack, Lars was brought out of this living nightmare when he saw signs of movement coming from the Funland Arcade. Mr. Smiley, Biggs, and Zebra Jasper had left the comforts of the arcade and were poking around trying to see what on earth had caused that earth-shattering explosion just a few minutes earlier.

Angry tears streaming down his face, Lars couldn’t help but snarl at the trio. “YOU! Where the heck were the three of you chuckleheads ten minutes ago, huh?!” 

* * *

_—Steven’s subconscious—_

Steven felt so disconnected even through the dull and constant pain. It was as if he tangled in an endless twilight, just on the edge of consciousness.

No, this was all wrong. He couldn’t sleep now; he needed to wake up. Something terrible was going to happen if he didn’t wake up...

But why he couldn’t remember falling asleep in the first place…?

And how long had he been sleeping?

What was going on? The last thing he remembered, he was in the middle of… of…

Frowning, Steven’s brow furrowed as his mind refused to yield up the memory.

He was… um… what had he been doing again?

It had been something really important. He had been looking for someone… he still needed to wake up, he had to remember.

The memories and images were all still there, just on the tip of his mind, and yet maddeningly out of reach at the same time. Steven knew that if he could only focus long enough, concentrate over the blinding pain, then he would have it.

He was sure it would all come back to him in a heartbeat if he could just _wake up_.

* * *

_—Little Homeworld—_

_Two hours later…_

“Hey! Hey, I think he’s finally coming to!” A voice called out through the darkness, and several hushed murmurs went silent all around them.

_"Who?"_

_"Amethyst."_ His mind supplied another minute later. _"That’s Amethyst."_

“Oh, Steven? Can you hear us?” Another voice asked as a pair of hands gently reached out to clutch his own.

He knew that voice too.

_"That’s Pearl."_

Why did everyone sound so worried?

What had happened?

And why was he so confused right now? Everything was all jumbled up in his head—like someone had taken a finished puzzle and dumped it onto the floor. All the pieces were still there, but they weren’t in the same places they had been; they didn’t fit the way they used to.

“…Pearl?” Steven said groggily, finally coming out of it enough to squeeze her hand back.

“That’s right, Steven. We’re all here.” The gem reassured him as she leaned over to kiss his temple, “You gave us quite a scare.” 

Full consciousness was a slow process, but after several minutes, Steven was finally able to come back to himself enough to sit up. The light, however, was instantly too much for him, and the boy couldn’t hide the small cry of pain that erupted from his mouth when he tried to open his eyes. Blocking the offending light with his arm, Steven squeezed his eyelids back shut and tried to fight back the flow of oncoming tears.

At that moment, he suddenly had a profound new sympathy for vampires. It was so bright; Steven couldn’t even make out the shapes of his friends right now.

“Oh Steven, thank goodness!” Pearl cried, wrapping her arms around the teenager’s neck once he was upright. “We were so afraid that you wouldn’t wake up this time!” From the wet patch forming on top of his head, he could tell that she was crying.

“I’m okay, Pearl.” The boy tried to comfort her, “Please don’t cry.” 

It took a while but slowly, _really_ slowly, Steven was finally able to open his eyes just enough to let them adjust to the room. Things were still incredibly blurry, but he could sort of make out the familiar faces of Bismuth, Lapis, Peridot, Amethyst, and Sapphire surrounding him.

“Hey there, kiddo. Glad to have you back among the living.” Bismuth beamed as she gently reached over to cuff his chin. “That friend of yours was going into hysterics by the time he came off the warp pad. He pretty much convinced half the Gems in Little Homeworld that you had shattered.” 

Turning his face inward so he could bury his forehead against Pearl’s shoulder, Steven looked away in shame.

“… For a minute there, it really felt like I was _going _to.” He admitted quietly before closing his eyes again.

Holding the boy even tighter in her arms, Pearl was squishing him to the point that it was hard to breathe. But she seemed to need the physical contact and assurance just as much as he did right now.

Hugs alone still couldn’t mask the pain and suffering of what had happened, though, and Steven was far from being the only person that was traumatized by what had taken place. When Lars had brought the hybrid’s motionless body back to Little Homeworld with Biggs and ZJ’s help, the Crystal Gems had honestly thought their precious child was dead. Steven’s warm brown eyes had been so hollow and lifeless, the memory of that alone would be fuel for his family’s nightmares for years to come.

They could only thank the stars that Greg hadn’t been around to witness his son in that state.

Speaking of the boy’s father, Pearl was just about to ask if Steven had any luck in finding Greg when Steven’s cellphone went off.

“Hey, maybe it’s Dad, finally checking in.” The teen said hopefully, lifting his head and fishing around in his back pocket for his device, “Hello?” 

Only the person on the other end definitely wasn’t his dad.

“U-Uncle Andy?” The young man stammered before the phone was being blasted with profanities the instant they connected. Andy’s ranting was so loud and nonsensical in fact that Steven had to hold the phone a few feet away from his ear or risk going deaf.

“Steven, what the heck has that nincompoop of a father of yours done _now_?!” The old pilot demanded once he had finished belting out several more colorful descriptions of Greg into the air for good measure.

“What are you talking about?” He asked helplessly.

“That muttonhead went and got himself arrested!” Andy hollered, “I got him on the voicemail back when I was flying through the Oregon Coast. Can you believe that ding-dong up and used his one phone call to tell me that he’s being held at the Wilmington station with no possibility of bail? They’re calling him a domestic terrorist or something! So now you tell me, Steven, just what the heck is going on here?” 

“I have absolutely no idea,” Steven said dumbfounded, glancing up at the other gems who were listening in on the conversation. “And why would he call you? We just spent the entire morning tearing Beach City apart looking for him!” 

Trying not to be angry about the situation, Steven couldn’t understand his dad’s logic here. Why not call him? Or Pearl? Or White Diamond, for that matter! Why not call literally anyone _else_ on the planet besides calling Uncle Andy?!

What the heck was Dad thinking?

“Come on, Steven, be real with me for a second.” His uncle asked, “This doesn’t have anything to do with those giant space ladies that crashed that wedding two years ago, right? I mean, I know your aunts are decent people, but if you keep getting too involved with these creepy Martian types, soon they’ll have you shaving your head, and then before you know it, you’re just another weirdo handing out pamphlets at the airport.” 

Oh stars, everything about this conversation was giving Steven another headache.

“You’re thinking of the Hare Krishna movement, Uncle Andy. And they aren’t weird or Martians, in fact, they’re perfectly nice people.” The boy explained, somewhat agitated.

“Yeah, that’s what I said. Those weirdoes who worship the blue Martians.” Andy agreed, only half-listening to the boy. “You know, just like your little friend Skinny, come on Steven, you know the one I’m talking about here. Sort of glum-looking has those wings, always used to hang out with the short green chick with the funky hair.” 

Okay, and that was pretty much all the inadvertent racism that the teenager could handle for the day, family or not.

“Listen, I’ve got to go, Uncle Andy.” Steven told him in a calm tone, despite the fact he was massaging the bridge of his nose in a sad attempt to stop the vein on his left temple from twitching. “But thank you for letting me know about Dad, the Gems, and I have been really worried about him. I promise we’ll take care of it and let you know when he’s back home safely.” 

The older man raised his voice, “Hey Steven, wait a minute! Don’t hang up yet. I still haven’t told you the part about— “

“Sorry,” The boy lied as he cut him off, “But I think we’re experiencing some space turbulence, oh no we’re going through a black hole, I can’t hear you anymore-bye!” 

Hanging up on the man, Steven dropped his phone on his lap before burying his face in his hands so he could stifle a groan.

He loved the man; he really and truly did. But how on earth could someone who had been around the world as many times as Uncle Andy had been be _this_ closed-minded?

It was both exhausting and even a little mind-boggling at times.

Raising his eyes back up a minute later, Steven was a bit surprised to see that several of the gems were staring at him with a mix of shock and horror on their faces.

“Look, I’m really sorry about him, guys.” He tried to apologize, “Uncle Andy’s not a bad person, you know he’s not, but he _is_ kind of well... well y’know.” Trailing off, Steven didn’t know a nice way to say ‘idiot,’ so he just left it at that.

But hey, at least there was some good news that had come out of that interaction.

“I guess that explains what happened to Dad, at least.” The boy said as he started putting his shoes back on, “We should probably get going then. I’m sure that if we just explain things to the police that they’ll see that this is all just some big misunderstanding.” 

Getting to his feet, Steven realized that everyone was still staring at him.

“What?” He asked cocking his head to the side. Everyone was gaping at him, all of their mouths hanging open like a school of dead fish.

“Dude, your eyes!” Amethyst was the first one to blurt out. 

“Yeah, I know, Amethyst. They _hurt_.” The boy grumbled more than a little annoyed that he had to state the obvious here.

“Forget that they hurt, Steven.” The little gem stuttered, shoving her phone in his face since words were failing her, “I mean, they, I mean, I aw man I can’t _even_ describe it. You’ve just gotta see them for yourself—They’re all pink!” 

Biting back a choke of horror as he stared at himself through her camera app, Steven barely recognized the person looking back at him.

Saying that they were pink was the understatement of the century. His eyes weren’t _just_ pink; they were alien and inhuman now too.

The teen's dark brown eyes had shifted into a deep, burning magenta. The light reflected off his iris’s now in a way that gave them an unnatural and almost doll-like appearance. And his pupils had reformed completely, contorting from their original human shape into large black allotropes that glittered like jewels.

Because that’s what they were now.

Those weren’t human eyes at all anymore—instead, they were perfectly crafted pink diamonds.

Which was exactly what Steven was afraid that he was becoming too.

_To be continued… _


	12. Missing puzzle pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lars and Steven have a chat.

_—Little Homeworld—_

Steven knew he should be petrified right now.

And part of him was, really it was... _somewhere_ in there. But the emotion was dulled; somehow, it felt far away and detached. Like Steven couldn’t access the part of his feelings he needed to right now.

Almost like a part of him was still sleeping.

This was all wrong, though. This wasn’t how he was supposed to react at all.

Why wasn’t he panicking? Why wasn’t he crying? Why wasn’t he filled with heart-curdling dread?

This was horrifying, wasn’t it?

It was proof that his diamond was somehow eating away his humanity. Outside of being ripped in two, this was probably one of the scariest things that had ever happened to him.

So why was he so… _numb_ right now?

“C-can you, please give me a few minutes alone?” Steven told his family after a moment of intense silence, “We can all meet up at the warp pad in a little while.” His voice was unusually toneless and disconnected as he said that, but the gems figured it was probably from shock.

“Steven, we… um—” Peridot started, but she quickly faltered and looked at Lapis and Bismuth for help.

“You don’t have to say anything.” The boy replied, glancing over his shoulder before he walked out, “I’m okay. Really, I’m alright. I’ll… I’ll just see you guys in a bit.” 

Several of the Crystal Gems tried to protest, but they were still wholly thunderstruck, so he capitalized on that. He was out the door in seconds, trying to get as much distance between his family and himself as he could right now.

Steven didn’t know where he was going; he was just walking, just aimlessly putting one foot in front of the other and hoping that action alone might jar something in his mind. He probably should have paid more attention to where he was going, though, because the minute the boy turned onto the main thoroughfare of Little Homeworld, he found himself bombarded by numerous familiar faces.

“Hey!” Lars exclaimed when he saw a glimpse of Steven turning the corner. Instantly excusing himself from where he and several gems had been talking next to the warp pad, the older boy couldn’t hide his relief, “Holy moly, you’re really up! Everyone’s been so worried about you, dude. We were almost getting ready to contact the Diamonds and I—” Cutting himself off, that was when Lars finally got a good look at Steven’s face. “I...” 

“Eye.” The pink-skinned teen stammered, “Eye-eye…” 

Oh man, he couldn’t look away. His grasp on language seemed to dissolve into that one word temporarily.

“Er. Uh, I mean _I_ am really glad to see you up and about, Steven.” The space pirate said slowly, giving his brain a minute to reboot. It came out weird, Lars over-enunciating every syllable like he had a wad of peanut butter stuck in his mouth or something.

If he noticed, Steven didn’t say anything, though. “Thanks,” was all he managed with an informal shrug.

_Yes, nailed it!_ Lars cheered to himself, giving his brain an internal high five.

Until the awkward silence set in, that is.

“Hey. So uh, I guess those are new, right? Because you sure didn’t look like that two hours ago.” Lars blurted out, motioning to the younger boy’s head before both of them cringed at the fact that those words had actually come out of his mouth. That might have been one of the _worst_ follow up questions that anyone had asked someone in the history of ever.

They both looked nauseous and somewhat horrified before Steven broke out into a fit of laughter. It was ham-fisted and tone-deaf, but that was exactly what he had needed to hear right now.

“Was I this terrible with you when you first got brought back to life?” Steven asked in between his racking giggles, “Because you are _really _bad at this, Lars!” 

“How the heck should I know?!” Lars exclaimed as the skin on his rose-colored cheeks darkened in embarrassment, “I only remember maybe a third of the conversation we had back on Homeworld right after I died. After all, I was freaking out pretty badly when it happened, _Steven_. I’m freaking out pretty badly right now, too, if we’re being honest here!” 

“Yeah, me too.” The other boy agreed, giving his friend a crooked little smile, “On both counts.” 

And that helped loosen some of the fear that was still constricted in Lar’s chest. Those burning pink eyes were really unsettling and strange on his pal’s face, but everything else was still the same.

Steven was still Steven.

“Seriously though. For what it’s worth, I’m just glad that you’re not dead, or a vegetable or whatever.” Getting a somewhat stifled look, Lars glanced away, “You really scared me back there. One minute you were in more pain than I’d ever seen a person in my life, and you’re not exactly a wimp, to begin with here, Steven. Then poof—you were just _gone_! Like someone had turned the switch off on your soul.” 

It was quiet again for a few seconds as both of them took that in.

Putting a hand on Lar’s thin shoulder, Steven squeezed it tightly, “I’m so sorry for putting you through that, Lars. Thanks for staying with me, though. You’re a really good friend.” 

“Ah, don’t get all sappy and gross on me.” Lars huffed as he shook the kid’s hand off of him, “If it gets any more sentimental over here, the next thing you know, we’re going to have to hug or something.” 

“I’m never opposed to a hug,” Steven said, opening his arms up wide, utterly unashamed of the prospect.

“Well, that’s because you’re the most disgustingly wholesome person on the planet, you big weirdo.” The older boy grumbled even though he grudgingly stepped into the half-gem’s radius and allowed Steven to pull him into a snug embrace.

And not that he would _ever_ admit it if anyone asked him, but Lars hugged him back pretty fiercely a few seconds later.

Just knowing that his friend was warm and real, and _not_ dead, was comforting as all heck.

It was terrible being on the opposite side of the fence in this kind of situation!

How did Steven regularly deal with this kind of stuff? Even if he could bring people back from the dead, these feelings were still horrible!

Lars didn’t know how the kid did it.

“So uh, hey, this is a fun new chapter in the Almost-Human-But-Not-Quite Alliance’s playbook, huh?” The pink-skinned teen tried to joke a minute later once the pair had released each other. “Do you at least have like x-ray vision now or anything cool like that?” 

Steven looked slightly amused before he shrugged, “I don’t think I want x-ray vision. That’s waaay too much responsibility for one power. But to answer your question, though, no. The only thing that I do have is some truly awful light sensitivity and a headache that’s lasted for two days straight.” 

_I also have these cold, awful gemstones where my eyes used to be, and hey, by the way, I might be turning into a robot too._ Was the part of that sentence that Steven decided not to mention aloud.

“_Dude_, you’re being all sorts of casual about this, and it’s creepy.” Lars couldn’t help but mention. “Are you sure you’re okay?” 

“I’m not. I am so far away from being okay right now.” Steven said, honestly. But it was the impassive way he said that, like they were talking about the weather or something, that was concerning. 

“Yeah, see, I still don’t know whether I should be impressed or seriously worried about the blasé way you just said that. Your dad and one of your Gem moms are missing, and I’m pretty sure that your diamond is trying to murder you. Any one of those things would be a perfectly normal thing to freak out about, Steven.” The space pirate pointed out.

Biting his lip, Steven didn’t answer him. Instead, the boy just looked at the ground.

He _wanted_ to freak out right now, that was the problem.

“Look, it’s okay to be scared sometimes; that’s all that I’m saying.” Lars tried again, “It’s really good advice to live by. See, there was this goofy little kid I used to know who taught me that.” 

Warmth bloomed in Steven's chest as he said that, and for just a moment, the flicker of affection shining in the boy’s eyes almost made him look fully human again, “You used to tell that goofy little kid that he had the common sense of an ice cream sandwich.” 

“He _did_ have the common sense of an ice cream sandwich!” The older teen retorted, “It didn’t mean that he was wrong, though.” 

For a moment, Steven struggled with what to do here. Dealing with other people’s feelings and problems had always come so easily to him, but dealing with his own was hard, even before his diamond started messing things up. But Steven had made a promise that he was going to be more open from now on. Besides, Lars had trusted him all those years ago; what kind of friend would he be now if he didn’t do the same?

“I want to be scared; in fact, I’m pretty sure I should be terrified… but I just can’t reach that part of myself right now.” The half-gem admitted quietly. “I think something’s really wrong with me. And what if it keeps getting worse? I know that I was never fully human, to begin with, but what if I stop being human altogether? It’s not just that I’m changing, I-I think I’m losing things too.” 

Bringing his palm back up to his forehead Steven sounded slightly brittle as he said, “That last attack _did_ something to me, Lars. It didn’t just look like I was gone back at the pier; I _was _gone. And now that I’m back, it feels like there’s some part of me that still hasn’t woken up yet. Like I’m missing these big pieces of myself, only I can’t remember what they are.” 

Clenching a fistful of his thick black hair, he muttered, “The worst part is, I think I did this to myself somehow. This whole thing started because I had some strange dream yesterday, where I finally got to tell my mom that I didn’t want to keep being her replacement any more. But I didn’t mean _this_, I didn’t want to become the new Pink Diamond! I just wanted to be me.” 

The kid's eyes were hollowing out again, although this time it was from despair, “All I’ve ever wanted was the chance just to be me. Why is that so wrong? Why can’t I have that _one_ thing?” 

And the sight of that same, empty look creeping back into his friend’s face again was more than Lars could handle. 

“Dang it, you’re still you, Steven!” He snapped, grabbing him by the shoulders before shaking him roughly. “Don’t do that to yourself, man! _You’re_ still Steven Universe, _I’m_ still Lars Barriga, and we’re going to keep on being those people even if it means that you have weird gems for eyes now and that I’m going to be stuck being eighteen years old forever. Alright?” 

Blinking in surprise at the strange role reversal between the two of them, the shock alone was enough to snap Steven out of his self-loathing.

“And if you’re dead mom or your diamond or anyone else has a problem with that, then you’ll do what you always do. You’ll find a way to beat the odds and rub it in their faces because _you’re_ Steven Universe, and you don’t give up even when every other rational person on this planet should!” The pink teen growled.

It wasn’t like that, though, Steven wanted to say. He wasn’t an epic hero that never gave up. Those were just the crazy stories that the Diamonds told the Gems on Homeworld.

All Steven ever did was try.

Because sometimes all you could do was try.

Being stubborn wasn’t the same thing as being heroic, but maybe Lars was right.

He wasn’t beaten yet.

It took him a minute to find his voice again, but when he did, that haunted look was no longer in Steven’s eyes. “You’re right. You’re right, Lars. No matter what, I’m still me.” The boy agreed, needing to tell himself that and truly believe it. Giving his friend a shaky pat, Steven added, “Thanks, Captain Lars. You know you can actually be pretty inspiring when you want to be.” 

“Oh, Captain Lars can be _spectacularly _ inspiring when he wants to be.” Lars corrected as he struck a dramatic pose. If he weren’t wearing jeans and a t-shirt, it would have been the perfect moment for a theatrical cape flip.

The half-gem and resurrected boy both grinned at each other before they broke out laughing over how ridiculous the whole thing was.

“Can we stop speaking in the third person now, Captain Lars?” Steven asked eventually, “Because Steven Universe thinks it’s kind of weird, and some of the gems are starting to look at us like we’re crazy.” 

“Captain Lars will allow it.” 

_To be continued…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like chapter 10, this update had enough friendly banter and bonding moments that I felt it wasn’t quite dark enough to place in with the larger update, so it became its own chapter entirely. I'll try to have the next chapter out within the next 24 hours, so apologies if this one seems a little disjointed or just drops off a bit at the end.


	13. Leaders

_—Little Homeworld—_

“STEVEN!” 

The sound of Pearl’s panicked voice instantly pulled Lars and Steven out of their pleasant camaraderie.

Sure enough, the gem rounded the corner and was on them so quickly she almost plowed straight into Steven, strangely out of breath despite the fact she had no respiratory system.

“Steven,” She repeated his name like it was a mantra, clutching onto her charges shoulder’s as if he were the only thing keeping her from floating away right now. “I just got a call from the Mayor. The national guard has been called in about _us_! Apparently, all of Beach City is currently on lockdown.” 

“_W-what?!_” Steven was barely able to get out in response.

Okay, that did something.

It was faint, but Steven could finally feel some small tendrils of fear creep up into his chest. It was almost a relief to know that he wasn’t completely numb to the emotion after all, but the circumstances confirming that weren’t exactly something to celebrate.

“Nanefua has the forces sequestered at City Hall; apparently, she’s been fighting with their leader all morning!” Continuing to explain the situation, Pearl could barely believe the words that were coming out of her mouth, “But she doesn’t think the standstill can last much longer. According to her, the Governor is sending troops directly down onto Little Homeworld.” 

“They’re calling us alien invaders!” Peridot chimed in as she and the rest of the Crystal Gems caught up with the group, “Which granted some of us _were, _ but I’m reformed! Doesn’t that count for anything?! I mean, we saved the world multiple times, in fact! Those ingrates should be kissing our feet!” 

Standing on her tippy toes, the little gem was trying to wave her tablet in Steven’s face, but it was just hitting his chin instead. Taking pity on his friend, the former member of the shorty squad closed the distance between them and bent down so he could see what she was referring to.

“Apparently, footage of you and Spinel has gone viral!” She illustrated, “It’s all over your primitive information broadcasts and the virtual communication hubs where humans go to yell at each other over inane polemic debates.” Demonstrating her point, Peridot opened up tabs to TubeTube, The Half Hour News Hour, and several other sources of varying levels of credibility.

Screencapped photos from Ronaldo’s video were there as plain as day, as images of Spinel and Steven’s fight and the damage from the bio-poison was splayed out for the world to see. Sensationalized headlines that read things like: ecoterrorism, aliens, government cover-up, and danger to public safety were featured on every page.

“I’m going to _kill_ Ronaldo.” Steven and Lars both said at exactly the same time.

Glancing at each other, Lars was the one who recovered first. “You can’t kill him, Steven.” The older boy explained, “_You’re_ supposed to the peaceful, empathic one here. I’m the one who gets to kill him!” 

Besides, he had always thought ‘kill’ was one of those words that Steven broke out in hives over. Sort of like hate, or sexism, or glockenspiel. It was startling to hear the kid say it so easily, even if they were just joking around here.

Well—for the most part anyway. Lars probably wouldn’t kill Ronaldo, but man punching him in the kisser sure sounded sweet right about now. 

“Will you forget about that, you clods! We can discuss plans to terminate the loud, opinionated fry monster later.” Peridot reasoned. “What should we _do_ here, Steven?”

Climbing up onto one of the commercial dumpsters still leftover from the construction, the boy in question was already trying to rally the increasingly frantic Gems.

“Everyone, don’t panic, alright!” Steven instructed in a loud, authoritative voice, “I’m going to go down to City Hall and talk to the Governor. This is all just some type of terrible misunderstanding. The citizens of Beach City _know_ us, they’re our friends, and this is our home. Mayor Nanefua and the people of Beach City are standing up for us as we speak. So I’m sure that if we can just explain things to everyone that they’ll realize that we don’t mean the Earth any harm.” 

Listening as their leader spoke, the Gems were reassured by the confidence in Steven’s declaration alone. He was right, of course. The residents of Beach City had been nothing but welcoming and friendly to them since the moment they first arrived. They had never had any reason to fear or distrust humans before.

“In the meantime, though, no one should leave Little Homeworld until it's safe.” The boy said solely for the sake of security, “Bismuth. Can you, Fluorite, Biggs, and Blue Lace find a way to barricade the main entrance?” 

“We’re on it, Steven.” Bismuth agreed as she, the largest of the Off Colors, and the two quartz soldiers immediately got to work.

“Lapis, Peridot. You guys each take a position on one of the cranes and set up surveillance on the East and West sides.” Steven pressed, “No one initiates any attacks, though, okay? But if you see any incoming troops, use whatever defensive maneuvers you have to make sure they don’t get in. We don’t want to hurt anyone, but we also don’t want anyone on our side getting hurt either.” 

“Right!” The two chimed in.

“Sapphire, you’re going to be the biggest defense we have. I need you to stay by the warp pad and use your future vision to help; however, you can.” The teen said, giving his loved ones what he hoped was a comforting smile, “And Pearl, Amethyst, you guys stay here and take charge of things until I come back.” Turning back to the others, he ended his speech by simply saying, “Everyone else, help out where you can and take care of each other. We’ll all be okay if we just stick together.” 

“Steven…” Pearl murmured hesitantly, “I don’t know about this.” That wasn’t at all what she wanted to do, and it went against everything she had ever been as Rose’s Knight. Even though the boy before her wasn’t her diamond, it still didn’t stop her gem core from aching at the thought of letting him go into the lion’s den alone.

“It’s okay, Pearl. Don’t worry.” He reassured her as he stepped off the platform and floated back onto the ground, “This is all just worst-case scenario stuff. I’m sure the governor is a perfectly reasonable person and that we’ll all be able to come to an understanding if we just talk to him.” 

And he meant that too. Steven was going to use every non-violent tactic he had. At the same time, though, the last thing the half-gem was going to let happen was for a mob of frightened humans to cart the Gems off to some government hole just because people saw Ronaldo’s idiotic video footage and were panicking.

“Yeah. Nah, see, I’m with Pearl on this one, dude.” Amethyst ventured. “You’re not going to go face a bunch of tanks and humans with guns all by yourself.” 

“They’re probably aren’t any tanks and guns, Amethyst.” Steven tried to counter.

“They think we’re alien invaders, Steven. Of _course_ there are tanks and guns!” The purple gem shot back, “Haven’t you ever seen a movie?!” 

“I’m coming with you too.” Lars piped up, and there was absolutely no room for argument in his voice, “Padparadscha is still with Jenny, and I need to make sure they both got to my parent’s house safely.” 

“Now that you mention it, ZJ and Little Larimar wanted to check back in on Mr. Smiley after what happened to you on the pier.” Amethyst realized, “So I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say that we have some loose gems running around Beach City right now, completely unaware of what’s happening.” 

“Alright.” Steven said as he took that new information into account, “Amethyst, your job is to check the pier and to make sure anyone that isn’t accounted for right now makes it back to Little Homeworld. Pearl, you’re with me. Sapphire, you’re in charge here until we get back.” 

“Be careful, you guys,” Peridot called out to them as the four stepped onto the warp pad. “If my countless hours of observing human television have taught me anything, it’s that alien autopsies are often a coveted sport among your government’s shadow elite and the humans who wear black suits. If you get cornered, don’t let them take you alive!” 

When this was over, Steven swore he was going to kill Ronaldo all over again.

He was the only person in Beach City tone-deaf and dumb enough to show Peridot or _any_ of the gems the B-rated alien horror movies that aired late night on Fright Zone TV.

* * *

_—City Hall—_

Colonel Bryndza had always been a beast of a man. Standing at almost seven feet tall, the grizzled war hero was a giant, both broad and notoriously bad-tempered. His skin and hair were both weathered from years spent out in some of the harshest climates on earth. Most days, it didn’t take more than a few barked orders from the man to turn even the surliest malcontent into a quivering mess.

Which was why the Colonel couldn’t understand how this tiny, little old lady had gotten the best of him so far.

“We’ve been going back and forth on this for hours now, Mayor Nanefua. And yet you seem to continue to take pleasure in wasting the United States government’s time.” 

“I thought that wasting time was what the government did best.” The older woman joked as she took another sip of her tea.

“I’m growing weary of this. Are you going to let us do our jobs or not?” The colonel spat as he glared down at the woman,

“If doing your job means rounding up the innocent citizens of Beach City, then no. No, I’m not.” The mayor said calmly.

“_Citizens_?” The man repeated, the word sounding dirty when he said it like he was uttering a profanity. “These things aren’t even human, lady. And right now, you’re at risk of being forcibly removed from office and charged with obstruction.” 

Bringing a hand up so she could laugh at the absurdity of it, Nanefua was unfazed by his blustering, “If the governor thinks he can do my job, he’s welcome to try!” She guffawed, altogether calling his bluff.

Eyes narrowing, the bear of a man shook his head. “I just can’t understand why you’re risking your neck and sabotaging your political career for these _creatures_,” He said in utter disgust.

Taking a deep breath, the Pizza matriarch put down her teacup and folded her hands together, “Because I _can_ and because I believe that it’s the right thing to do.” 

And at that moment, the diminutive woman seemed like a force of nature.

“You see, Colonel; it doesn’t really matter what the other politicians or the mob says. It doesn’t even matter if it turns out that you are right and I am wrong. When I first came to this country, I was told that this place was founded on the idea that we are supposed to stand up for what we believe in, no matter the odds or consequences.” She met the man’s gaze with a conviction that easily rivaled his own, “And I believe in the Crystal Gems.” 

Down below them, the troop of soldiers was met with most of the inhabitants of Beach City who were blocking the road to Little Homeworld, standing in solidarity with the mayor. Neither side was able to move, just like it had been since the early hours of the morn.

Both leaders overlooked the current gridlock for a few moments before the little mayor went back to her tea, “The governor can have my job if he wants it; someone else here will just take my place. That's because Beach City has always looked out for its own. We stick together, gem, and humankind alike. After all, there’s always been space for _everyone_ in this town, no matter what planet they come from.” 

* * *

“Man, Paddy, this is crazy!” Jenny breathed, towing Padparadscha behind her by the hand. The two had been heading to the Barriga residence, which was on the Northeastern side of town, when they stumbled headfirst into a scene that was straight out of an action movie.

City Hall was currently surrounded by more than a hundred soldiers, complete with a _tank_ and a few armored cars for good measure. The strangest thing, however, was what was going on the opposite side of the street. Most of the town's grownups were lined up like Spartan soldiers about to stand off toe to toe with the much larger force.

“What on earth is going on here?!” The girl asked just as she spotted Barb Miller in the crowd. The older woman was rallying several of the others into a chant, shouting into a bullhorn. That wasn’t too much of a stretch considering Sadie’s mom and her personality, though.

“Mrs. Miller!” Jenny called as she tried to make it to the front of the barricade. “What’s happening? Why is there a tank parked on the city steps?” 

“Jenny?” Barb asked in confusion, surprised to see the girl anywhere near this mess. But the minute the postwoman saw the little gem by the younger Pizza sister’s side; the color drained out of her face completely. “And _Padparadscha_. W-What are you two doing here?! You two need to leave right now!” She tried to keep her voice down to hide them from the sea of uniforms, but the sound of shouting instantly told Barb it was already too late.

“We have confirmed a sighting of one of the occupying aliens!” One of the soldiers reported as they instantly spotted the orange-colored gem in the crowd.

And then things quickly dissolved into chaos from there.

“It’s attacking that girl!” 

Angry voices were shouting, the tension on both sides of the fences quickly turning into sheer pandemonium.

“Oh man, that thing is _hideous_!”

Countless scope lights found their mark on Padparadscha’s little body, and the sapphire was suddenly painted in a sea of red dots.

“Don’t shoot!” Barb pleaded, desperately trying to find a way to protect the younger girls from harm, “For god’s sake, they’re just _kids_!” 

“Please…” Jenny begged, tears falling down her wide terrified eyes, “Please, please _don’t_.”

There were so many guns pointed at them—so many callous faces staring blankly at the two of them.

Everything was closing in on them.

And as what’s oft to happen, time seemed to instantly stand still and speed forward all at the same time.

These people were rabid—Barb realized knowing it would be too late by the time she got to the girls. All these soldiers wanted was blood. They had seen Spinel’s fury and judged all other gems on Earth as one and the same. 

“Jenny.” Padparadscha said tenderly, squeezing the girl’s hand, “I have a vision that maybe we should try to find another way home.” 

That big kind orange eye was staring up at her so lovingly, oblivious to everything that was going on around them. And a part of Jenny wasn’t sure if she should be heartbroken or relieved that Paddy would never know what it felt like to be hated and feared by these people who were too ignorant to understand how amazing she was. 

How on earth could _anyone _look at that face and see a monster?

Squeezing her eyes shut, all the Pizza sister could do was grab the little gem and pull her close as they both waited for the roar of gunfire to start erupting.

* * *

For several minutes, no one in Beach City could breathe.

But then… there was pink.

Soft, warm pink light filled the surrounding area.

“Jenny?” A disconnected voice asked. “JENNY!” 

“Jenny can you hear me? Padparadscha? One of you two _say_ something!”

Wrenching one of her eyes, Jenny open saw Lars banging on the outside of the small armored bubble that was protecting them.

The bubble that was protecting them—Jenny repeated in her head.

They were still alive.

Steven was on the opposite side of his creation, panting slightly from the dead sprint that both he and Lars had broken into to make it there in time.

The soldiers hadn’t taken the shot yet. 

While some part of Beach City residents hoped that mercy might have been the reason the two young girls were spared, the more likely scenario was simply that the appearance of the alien boy from the viral video had made the little Sapphire not worth the effort. 

“Jenny, are you two okay?” Steven asked cautiously before he broke the bubble. Invading the girls’ personal space, both he and Lars kneeled, so they could make sure their friends were unharmed.

She couldn’t answer him at first; instead, the teenager latched onto Steven’s arm the minute he came close and started sobbing again. 

“I was so _scared_.” The girl was finally able to hiccup, burying her face against his forearm. 

“Don’t worry, Jenny, Steven will save us!” Paddy chirped suddenly, lifting her head up from Jenny’s lap.

This time, it was the three humans that needed a minute to get on Padparadscha’s time-line. The cheeriness and normality that came with the Off Color’s prediction brought a mix of shocked, nervous laughter from the trio. 

“I’m really glad you’re both safe.” Steven told them both before gently removing Jenny’s hand from his arm, “I won’t let anything else happen to you guys. I promise, okay?” 

The half-gem’s voice was the same soft tenor it always was, but there was murder burning in his pink eyes as he stared into the crowd of soldiers.

For the first time in his life—Steven Universe didn’t want to talk things over. In fact, he was furious right now. Maybe fear was something he was still having trouble accessing, but anger? That emotion was working _just_ fine, thanks.

“What the hell is going on out here?” A voice erupted as Colonel Bryndza burst out of the nearby building, Mayor Nanefua following closely behind.

"Steven? What on earth are you doing here?!” The spry old woman exclaimed. “I told the gems to keep you as far away from here as possible!”

“Mayor Nanefua, you need to get everyone in town off this street.” Steven entreated, addressing the older woman politely even as he actively decided to ignore the large man that was barrelling down the steps towards him. “Some of the gems are waiting by the warp pad to take you all back to Little Homeworld.” 

“But—” Nanefua started before the look on the boy’s face stopped her cold. Steven’s eyes were two gleaming pink stars, and there was so much outrage behind them right now that she barely recognized him. 

“_Please_ Mayor.” He asked again pleasantly, “These gentlemen and I need to talk, and you don’t need to be around for that.” Lightly putting a hand on the woman’s shoulder, Steven gave her a slight push towards the others.

There was no hint that this was a request, at least not from the happy-go-lucky young man that Nanefua had known since he was a baby.

No, this was a direct order from a Diamond of Homeworld.

_To be continued…_


	14. Broken toys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In today’s episode, several things in Beach City manage to get broken; of those things, Steven’s moral compass and impulse control just happen to be some of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Onto another physics lesson regarding the color pink and concepts of pink light. This will tie into the events of this chapter and the story as a whole moving forward.
> 
> In my first series of notes, you saw in the opening chapter that we were able to establish the idea that pink is a reflective color and not a transmissive one. Again, the only reason we can perceive it is that our brain translates the light bouncing off these waves. The color pink itself is a construct of our eyes and brains and is not actually real, as I’ve mentioned earlier. This also makes a lot of sense that Pink Diamond/Steven is associated with a reflective color when you consider their powers' protective and defensive nature.
> 
> Next, let’s talk about the idea of light being both a particle and a wave. Like other waves, light can move at specific frequencies. For example, white light is a mixture of all the wavelengths of light, and each one of those wavelengths refracts at slightly different speeds and angles. Pink is not a part of the spectrum at all and, as such, does not actually have a frequency. This is because pink is a part of the light spectrums that we can’t actually see. Several wavelengths include radio waves, microwaves, infrared, ultraviolet, x-rays, gamma rays. All of these wavelengths are part of the electromagnetic spectrum and not visual light. 
> 
> Let’s digest that for a minute.
> 
> Infrared waves lie right at the cusp between the visible light and microwaves on the said electromagnetic spectrum. The closer the waves are to the microwave end of the spectrum, the more likely they will be experienced as heat. Infrared waves can also affect how plants grow. Plants grown indoors may grow well under fluorescent lights but will not bloom until appropriate infrared radiation levels have been introduced. So… Steven/Pink Diamond’s ability to manipulate plant life also starts to make sense.
> 
> Next, we have ultraviolet light, which is highly antimicrobial and can be directly applied to acute wound infections to kill pathogens without unacceptable host tissue damage. UV radiation, when applied to the blood, can also stimulate the immune system. Boom, there's their healing powers.
> 
> But now we’re going to get into the trickier stuff. Microwaves, infrared waves, and ultraviolet rays are on the electromagnetic spectrum, which means they have electromagnetic radiation. This is the kind of wavelength that can be turned into thermal or kinetic energy. In a nutshell, think lasers. Lots of lasers. Basically, thanks to electromagnetic radiation, there are many things in the pink light spectrum that can cause hot burning waves of ouch and death.
> 
> So, uh… yeah. Just keep that little nugget in your thoughts when you’re reading this chapter because I'm about to use physics to justify some very non-canon powers moving forward. You've been warned, guys.

_—City Hall—_

“Just who do you think you are here, you little snot-nose punk?!” The colonel asked in complete bafflement. He couldn’t understand how the mayor and the same mob who had been giving his men all this trouble for hours now just quickly fell into line and began to do exactly what the alien kid had asked them to.

“I was always taught that it was good manners to introduce yourself first in this kind of situation, sir. Especially when you’re the one that’s asking someone else for their name.” Steven answered back casually.

Now Pearl usually always appreciated whenever her Steven remembered proper etiquette, but this was _different _somehow. In fact, if she didn’t know any better, it almost seemed like the teen was egging the human on right now. It was really unlike him.

“I don’t have to waste courtesies on some hybrid scum like you, kid.” The man glowered as he came to a stop right at the boy’s feet. Using every ounce of his impressive height and weight to intimidate the half-breed, the Colonel was still a little surprised when the young man just sighed instead.

Actually feeling a little sorry for him, Steven met his gaze head-on. In a tone that was part defiant and part chastising, he admonished, “Angry outbursts like that usually shut down conversations before they can even start. But there’s no need to do that here; you don’t have to browbeat someone into getting them to listen to you. Let’s just talk about this—” 

Cutting him off, the larger man grabbed the kid by his shirt collar before snarling, “You watch _your_ mouth, brat. While we’re under direct orders to take as many of you aliens alive as possible, one more cute remark out of you, and I won’t hesitate to use excessive force.” 

The act was supposed to be more intimidating than it came off, as Bryndza hadn’t expected the kid to be so deceptively solid. At first glance, the adolescent may have looked fluffy and spineless, but actually lifting the teenager was like trying to move a brick wall.

Still trying to be the peacekeeper despite the rage that was building up inside him, Steven went along with the action and allowed himself to be manhandled. “Colonel Bryndza,” He tried again as he read the man’s nameplate and did his best to sound sincere, “I really have to speak with the Governor. You need to call off your men and stop this assault on Little Homeworld. This is all just a terrible mistake. Please, you have to understand that we’re not here to hurt anyone!” 

Barking out a laugh, the man was so close to Steven’s face that spittle flew onto the boy’s cheek. “You really think that the Governor would be here for something like _this_? He has better things to do than watch intergalactic vermin get rounded up." The Colonel sneered, "We’re under direct orders by the state of Delmarva; to capture the hostile alien threat that’s infesting Beach City before any more of your kind has a chance to regroup and launch another attack. So you might as well surrender now and come peacefully. Your human friends can’t save you now that you’ve sent them away.” 

“But you don’t understand, there isn’t going to be another attack.” The boy tried to make clear, “The Gems here on Earth don’t want to fight any of you. We love this planet! In fact, some of us have been protecting the Earth for thousands of years now.” Motioning to the right, Steven pointed to his family member as proof, “Gems like Pearl here. So, you all need to understand, we’re not a threat to you, and we just want to help. This planet is our home too.” 

“This planet belongs to humanity.” The grizzled man retorted, his face twisting in disgust over the thought that these creatures could dare call the Earth their home. “This country belongs to the citizens of the United States. You _people_ are the invaders here, and none of you have permission to occupy this area.” 

“You’re wrong. We don’t need anyone’s permission to be here.” Steven declared, “The Crystal Gems have been in Beach City for over 4,000 years! We’ve been here _longer_ than anyone else has, longer than most people have been here. Besides, you saw it yourself, Colonel; the people of this town want us to be a part of this place. That’s all the permission we need!” 

“Stay back!” Pearl suddenly interjected, lunging forward with her spear as she stopped a line of soldiers from advancing in on the two of them.

At the front of the troop, Steven could now see that there were about ten or so men who had gem destabilizers in their hands.

“Why... why do you have those?” He wondered, his eyes widening in shock.

All at once, the awful buzzing slammed back into his head at full force, and the teen was suddenly so angry he practically saw red. Well, more accurately—he saw pink. 

How was it possible that the soldiers had those? Where could humans even _get_ Gem technology like that?

The Crystal Gems had always been so careful to make sure none of the wreckage from the last few battles was able to fall into the wrong hands.

Nevermind that the last incident with gem destabilizers had happened _years_ ago when Peridot’s ship had crash-landed on the beach.

Were there really humans out there all this time that had just been waiting for a chance to hurt the Gems?

Did these people really hate them _that_much?

“There’s no point in talking to you at all, is there?” The boy realized hollowly. Those searing pink eyes of his almost looked sad for a moment before they narrowed into slits, “You don’t want to listen. None of you want to listen. You’ve already made up your mind about us. You took one look at Padparadscha and decided she was a monster from the start. You didn’t even _try_ to get to know her.”

“Fine, I’m done talking too then. Get out of my town.” Taking a deep breath, Steven glared daggers up at the man holding him by the shirt. “_Now.”_

Temper flaring that this kid dared to talk to a decorated soldier of the United States Military like that, Bryndza decided to make good on his previous threat. The man’s fist slammed down towards the alien's head; only the teen acted first. In an instant, Steven’s hand snapped forward, closing tightly around the Colonel’s throat.

It happened so fast that the much larger man didn’t even have time to cry out before the boy tightened his grip.

_This kid was so strong! How was it even possible for him to be this strong?!_

Steven lifted the giant of a man effortlessly into the air as if he weighed nothing at all. The seasoned military professional’s feet slid off the ground, kicking to and fro in sudden panicked shock. His airwaves constricted before the teenager’s fingertips crunched down even harder on the older man’s jugular, and the flow of oxygen cut off completely.

“That wasn’t a request, Colonel.” Steven told him a matter of factly.

The officer could only peer down over his blackening vision in horror, to see the youth’s lips curl into a small, violent smirk, his nose crinkle with blank, murderous intent.

“Plea—” Bryndza gasped, his hands tightening instinctively around Steven’s wrist. He was nowhere near strong enough to overpower the boy, though. At this rate, the kid was going to crush his windpipe.

“Please?” The half-gem repeated, almost eerily relaxed about the whole thing despite the fact the man in his grasp was clearly suffocating. “What about Jenny and Padparadscha? Your men didn’t seem too concerned about their ‘pleases’ a minute ago.” 

The colonel was on the verge of passing out by now. Terrified for his life, the man’s nails began to claw into the skin on Steven’s hand, but the teen didn’t flinch even when he drew blood. Despite his efforts, he was being held up too high, too far away from the adolescent’s body or the ground to be able to attack him properly.

“STEVEN STOP IT!” A voice cried out, and Steven was a little surprised when Pearl, of all people, grabbed onto his arm in a desperate attempt to wrench the man loose before he suffocated.

“What on earth are you doing?!” She asked, horrified.

“What am I doing?” Steven repeated slowly, suddenly finding himself very confused. His head hurt, the buzzing was getting awfully loud again, and he couldn’t understand why she was looking at him like that. 

“I’m protecting us, Pearl.” He explained, “That’s what I’m supposed to do. I protect people.” 

Was he doing it wrong?

Was this one of those important things that he had forgotten?

A small voice that almost sounded like the younger him screamed inside his head, but he could barely hear it over the buzzing. It was a part of something he could no longer reach, from a piece of himself he didn’t understand anymore.

“Please put him down, Steven.” The gem pleaded, tears streaming down her face. “This isn’t like you at all. The Crystal Gems don’t shatter anyone, remember? You said that yourself.” 

_Oh, that’s right..._ the boy remembered hazily. _The Crystal Gems don’t shatter anyone._ The truth was he had forgotten that, so it was a good thing that Pearl had been there to remind him.

“I’m sorry.” Steven apologized as he instantly complied with her request and dropped the man onto the steps of City Hall like it was nothing.

Taking in deep wracking breathes, the colonel had been reduced to a quivering mass on the pavement, but neither gem was paying him much attention now.

Reaching out to touch his face, Pearl couldn’t help but think that her precious child looked more like a broken toy than a person right now.

Pink’s eyes were strange and robotic on the young man’s face, and Pearl couldn’t believe how much she found herself hating them at that moment. What she would have given to be able to see those big brown _human_ eyes of his staring back at her instead.

This wasn’t her Steven.

This wasn’t the same compassionate little boy she knew. The one who believed in everyone, even when those people couldn’t believe in themselves.

But at the same time, it wasn’t _not_ her Steven either.

“Please don’t be mad, Pearl.” He said quietly before leaning into her touch, “I didn’t mean to forget, I was just—” Biting back a hysterical little chuckle, Steven clutched at his head, “I’m not acting like myself at all right now, am I?” 

“Oh Steven no. Of _course_, I’m not mad at you—” Pearl started before the sputtering human on the ground beside them cut off whatever else she had been trying to say.

“What are you waiting for, you idiots, for my corpse to start getting warm on the floor?!” The man rasped. Big, dark, ugly bruises were already forming on his neck as the colonel clutched onto his throat for dear life. Now that he wasn’t about to die, all the hatred and anger from before poured out into his next set of orders, “Get them already!” 

“Guess we’ll have to talk about this later.” The boy told his guardian as they found themselves being swarmed, “Stay behind me.” 

Instinctively, Pearl slid into the same battle formation that she knew Steven often used with Connie. In sync with one another, the teen raised his shield and covered her blind spot as the two of them backed away from the rows of advancing soldiers.

It was during their escape towards the warp pad that an idea suddenly struck him.

He wasn’t supposed to shatter gems or people, but he could still destroy the vehicles, right?

Before this, Steven had relied on feelings more than anything else when it came to tapping into his powers. It had always been more about intuition and channeling protective thoughts like love and friendship into physical form.

Things were different now.

He could see the light now, _literally_.

His diamond eyes now made it possible for the half-gem to see the light that was bouncing off of virtually everything. It was incredible, like suddenly being able to see color for the very first time.

Everything looked brand new and familiar all at the same time.

What was it that Pearl had told him once? The ability to harness light was the Diamonds’ most significant power source and why they had been such formidable enemies of the Crystal Gems in the past. All gems could harness light to some extent since it was part of what they were, but the Diamonds could take that even farther. They had refraction abilities, diamond fire, and were able to harness electromagnetic energy.

_Electromagnetic energy huh…_

Using his free hand, Steven built up a charge of the same pink electricity that had ripped through him earlier when his diamond had attacked him. But this time, instead of hurting him—the rush of energy made him feel good.

Powerful even.

“Steven, what are you doing?” Pearl’s voice called from behind him.

She sounded scared again, and that made him almost hesitate.

Up until now, Steven had never used his powers for anything other than to defend.

He had always been so proud of the idea that he was a shield for people. Protecting the people he loved had always been his greatest source of strength.

But now that he could actually see the patterns of light that were laid out in front of him, everything was different.

He had no idea that he could also be a sword too if that’s what he wanted to be.

“I’m ending this, Pearl.” Steven answered her, “We can’t let them follow us back to Little Homeworld!” Bending down, the young man released the fist full of pink energy onto the ground and set it loose on the crowd of soldiers.

One by one, the electrical systems and navigational devices started to explode in the armored vehicles. It just like when Steven had accidentally blown up his TV due to being overcome by his emotions all those years ago. Except now it was intentional, and the force behind it was infinitely more powerful than anything he had been able to do as a kid.

Screaming, the soldiers operating the vehicles quickly abandoned their posts as the cars burst into piles of flames and short-circuiting wires.

The entire scene around City Hall was starting to break out into utter disarray, and Steven couldn’t mask the little shiver of satisfaction he got at watching them flee like scared rats. The Colonel was shouting orders to his men in the distance, but they were already so panicked that most of them were falling on deaf ears.

Maybe he was just a little punch drunk on power right now; Steven couldn’t help but think it served them right.

It had been so easy for these men to point guns at one little Sapphire and a human girl.

Against a Diamond, however, things didn’t seem to be going very well for them at all.

Staring at the panic and mayhem, the half-gem knew one more push was really all the humans needed to run away for good. And that’s when his line of sight landed on the last thing on the street that actually still posed a threat.

The tank.

The driver had exited when the tank’s electrical system has short-circuited along with the others, but the tank itself was too thick to have taken the same amount of damage as the other vehicles.

So in the same motion that he had always used for Amethyst’s and his secret handshake, the half-gem formed a gun with his pointer finger and brought his thumb down as if he was pulling the trigger.

“Pew. Pew.”

A blinding jet of hot pink light blasted through the boy’s finger like a laser and hit the tank at point-blank range. Exploding upward into the sky, the machine let out a strange metallic moan as it became encased in a sea of energy. Twisting from the incredible temperature of the energy surrounding it, the stainless steel warped like it was no more than newspaper kindling, all before crashing into the ocean below with a terrible boiling fizzle.

That did the trick alright.

Breaking rank, the men left everything behind as they abandoned their charred, annihilated vehicles. Terror filled screams echoed down the street as the sight of a 50-ton tank chucked into the ocean told them all they needed to know about their chances of winning this fight. The troop poured down the streets, fleeing for their lives against the pink-eyed demon who looked like a human teenager.

Pearl and Steven watched them in silence as they tore through the empty town and made a run for the interstate.

Once the men were nothing more than disorganized, panicked little specks in the horizon, Steven let out a whoop and spun around in jubilation.

“Oh man, I can’t believe I just did that!” He exclaimed in almost child-like wonder, “I didn’t even know I _could_ do that. Did you know I could do that, Pearl? Was that one of Mom’s original powers?” 

If it had been one of Pink Diamond’s powers, Pearl had never seen her use it. It was possible, she supposed, seeing as Pink had been a member of the Great Diamond Authority too. But it had just never been in Pink’s nature to use her powers for destruction like this. 

Until today, Pearl had never thought that it was in Steven’s nature either, though.

The gem desperately wanted to say something to the boy, but her mouth and throat seemed frozen. She couldn’t find the words to speak over this sense of impending doom and growing terror.

What on Earth was happening to him?

In the distance, both could start to make out the silhouette of a person walking through the abandoned street towards them. Smoke, burning ash, and broken metal made the area seem like a labyrinth, but the figure navigated through the rubble with the confidence of a skilled fighter. There were so much grace and self-assurance in the stranger’s movements that, for a moment, the pair prepared themselves for another attack, just in case this was a straggling soldier who didn’t know when to quit.

That was until a space camp duffel bag and a familiar mop of dark brown puffy hair came into view.

“Steven?” His best friend asked in disbelief once she made it to the end of the street.

“Connie,” Was all Steven could manage in return. 

_To be continued…_


	15. Who's your Buddy?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today Greg gets a taste of what Steven has to go through on a pretty regular basis. And it's not always easy paying for the crimes of a mercurial immortal space goddess, especially when you're just a guy with a van.

_—Wilmington Police Station—_

Hours had passed since the last time Greg had seen a living soul.

After being frisked and relieved of every worldly possession on him, a gang of officers processed Greg and refused to explain what was going on. The only words spoken to him were barked orders as he was told to strip, and his regular clothes were exchanged for a discolored jail uniform.

The guards had also allowed him two minutes to use his phone call and inform his family about what was going, but even a guy like Greg was smart enough to see when he was being played for a patsy. Obviously, whoever the people in charge were, they were planning on going after Steven and the Gems. By letting him call someone, they hoped he would play right into their hands and bring his son to them.

The last thing Greg was ever going to do was risk putting his family in harm’s way. So he decided to call Andy instead, knowing full well that he’d be the least likely to respond to a call out of all his family members. After all, the pilot hardly ever had reception when he was flying 33,000 feet up in the air, and Andy never answered his phone anyway. He was convinced that every incoming call was either a telemarketer or a Nigerian prince trying to get him to send money for legal fees.

The act alone probably wouldn’t stop these people completely, but it at least could buy the gems some time and still make it look like Greg was playing along.

Once the call had been completed, he was herded past the regular holding cells and thrown into one of the interrogation rooms at the back of the station.

But that had been hours ago.

So now the rocker was stuck sitting alone in what was quite possibly the dingiest room he had ever seen.

Above him, the neon lights flickered ominously, and the sound of angry, broken voices echoed off in the distance like ghosts. Greg could only hope that wherever the agents took Ruby’s gem, she was at least somewhere safe.

“Well, hey there. Why the long face, stranger?” A voice asked, suddenly ripping the man away from his thoughts.

He must not have heard the man approach at all because he was shocked to see what looked like a regular office clerk enter the room holding a tray of food.

“You’re joking, right?” Greg couldn’t help but snark. “We’re in prison, buddy. There’s not usually a lot of reasons for people to smile in situations like this.” 

“Right you are, friend, on both counts, in fact.” The clerk said before he held out a hand to introduce himself. “My name’s Charles, but most folks here just call me Buddy. I was sent here at the governor’s request to bring you some lunch and check up on you.” 

“Greg.” The rock star replied, taking the hand that was offered to him and shaking it lightly. Whoever this guy was, he seemed harmless and friendly enough. Besides, when an entire police station seemed filled to the brink with people who hated you, the car wash owner figured he could do worse than having company like Buddy’s at the moment.

Buddy, as the man had asked to be called, was short, stout, and had a very friendly constitution. The clerk could have been 20 years old just as easily as he could have been 40 since he had one of those faces that seemed to defy an actual age group. He was incredibly mousey looking, and truth be told, precisely the type of person you just sort of forgot about right after meeting them. The man had non-descript brown hair, an average face with no discernible features, and large coke bottle glasses that hid his eyes.

If being invisible was a talent, then Greg was willing to bet that Buddy here had it in spades. The poor guy looked like he could get lost in a crowd of two people.

“So are you sure that it’s okay for you to be in here alone with me?” Greg inquired since he honestly didn’t want to risk getting the man in trouble, “According to the feds, I’m a dangerous domestic terrorist.” 

“Oh nonsense, why if you’re a domestic terrorist, then I’m a fish stick.” Buddy joked, sitting down at the interrogation table on the opposite side of Greg, “Besides, you haven’t been formally arrested here; you’re just being held for questioning. Those nice federal agents outside just seem to need your help in investigating all that trouble that’s going on in Beach City. Why alien invaders, and earthquakes, and biological weapons. It’s been a week for the books, wouldn’t you say?” 

“But there aren’t any alien invaders!” Greg tried to clear up, “That’s what the people who arrested me don’t understand. The Gems here on Earth are all peaceful; this is all just a big misunderstanding!” 

Instead of sympathizing with him, Buddy simply smiled, “Well, gosh. It sounds like these kinds of misunderstandings happen a lot in Beach City, don’t they, Mr. Universe?” 

Blanching, Greg felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up in response to that. Something suddenly didn’t seem right about all this.

“Er it uh, it sounds like you know Beach City pretty well then.” He commented, suddenly becoming aware of the fact that his ‘buddy’ here might not be as friendly as he first appeared to be.

The smile on Buddy’s lips never faded. Now though, it had twisted into something a little darker. “Why yes, Greg, I do know the place well! I’ve lived there for years, in fact. My whole family has been part of Beach City for generations. I guess you could even go so far as to say that we’re one of the town founders.” 

That admission actually made Greg feel a little guilty here. After all, he had lived in Beach City for over 20 years now, and he was pretty sure he’d never seen this guy before in his life. 

“Unfortunately, I had to move to Wilmington when I assumed the governorship, but I still like to visit Beach City whenever I can.” Buddy noted, “After all, as the saying goes, ‘there’s no place like home.’” 

“Governorship…?” The car wash owner repeated before realization dawned on him. “Then, that means that you’re—?” 

“The Honorable Governor Buddwick, at your service.” Buddy finished for him before he looked at the man in pity, “You know at first I was just playing along and waiting for you to recognize me, but you never did. I guess you’re not really the type to watch the news much, are you, Greg?” 

‘Buddy Buddwick… you mean like the guy in Steven’s play?” The other man guessed as he tried to search his memory for where he had heard that name before. “Didn’t your ancestor get eaten by a sea monster trying to save William Dewey?” 

“No!” The governor snarled, and this topic of conversation was obviously a sore spot for him. “My ancestor was one of the greatest authors of the 18th century, and he founded the Buddwick Public Library. Why is it that the only thing anyone in Beach City ever seems to remember him for is almost getting eating by that damn gem monster?!” 

“Woah, take it easy there." Greg explained, trying to calm the man down. "I didn’t mean anything by it; it’s just a pretty memorable thing to happen to someone.” 

He had a feeling that not being remembered for things was something the Buddwicks had experienced a lot of.

“But wait, hang on.” He exclaimed a moment later, “How can _you_ be the governor?! The governor is the person that’s responsible for all of this. You just said that you’re a part of Beach City too. If your great-grandfather helped found the town, and then he wrote all those books about them, then you should know better than anyone that the Crystal Gems aren’t a threat here. All they’re trying to do is protect humanity!” 

“Oh Greg, you poor, simple-minded man.” Buddy sighed, “Your Crystal Gems never fought for humanity. Don't you see? They fought their war simply because your precious Rose Quartz wanted to keep living her pretty little lie. Now how many gems and humans do you think have actually died over the years, all so she could play pretend? And make everyone think she was a hero?” 

“You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about!” Greg snapped, and the rage that boiled up inside him surprised even himself at that moment. But the thought of this person badmouthing the woman he loved when he didn’t even know her was more than he could take. “Rose fought for thousands of years to keep humanity safe. She and her people risked everything to protect us,” He countered. 

“Did they really?” The governor cajoled, “Well, if that was all true and we humans actually mattered to her, then tell me, why did your precious Rose allow the Homeworld Gems to plant the Cluster?” 

“What on earth are you talking about?” The other man seethed.

“I’m afraid it’s a bit of a story, Greg, but let me try to explain." Buddy offered. "You see, my family’s legacy didn’t just end with the first Buddy Buddwick’s writings and the building of an old library. The Buddwicks have been chronicling the Gems’ history, culture, technology, _everything_ that they built and who they were for over the last two hundred years. It became my family’s life work, our undying passion. We’ve written countless books, cataloged hundreds of old Gem tech, and collected etchings from their ruins and warp pads. So I do know what I'm talking about, Mr. Universe.” Leaning forward, the man corrected Greg on his statement from earlier, “You could even say that I’m the world’s leading expert on Gems.” 

“I spent most of my youth traveling the world, uncovering Gem ruins, and studying their abandoned kindergartens." The governor narrated, "And at the time, I was just as obsessed and devoted to them then as you are now. I thought they were scholars, artisans, immortal _goddesses_ that had been sent down from the heavens to share their gifts with humanity. How I worshiped them, Greg. But it was only after I discovered the Homeworld technician that you call Peridot in the prime kindergarten that all of that changed for me.” 

Eyes narrowing, the man's tone took on a dangerous bite as he continued to tell his story, “I had been spending weeks camped out in what they called ‘Facet Five’ taking notes for my latest book when I spotted her. You have to understand that at first, I was ecstatic when I saw her, it was a dream come true to see another gem in the flesh. But the more I began to watch her in secret, the more the truth about who the gems really were began to come to the surface. And the more that I listened to her manic, almost desperate monologues for days on end, the more I slowly began to learn everything there was to know about the Cluster.” 

Folding his hands together, Buddy continued, “Did you know that it takes at least 5,000 years for a geo-weapon the magnitude of the Cluster to achieve stability and form? Do you have any idea what that means?” The next words he spat out like venom, “It means that the Crystal Gems are frauds! It means that the Rose Quartz that my family had held up on high for over two hundred years wasn’t a goddess at all—she was just a monster with a pretty face.” 

“Buddy, y-you’re _wrong_,” Was the only thing that Greg could say in response to that. 

Seeing the grief and pain on the other man’s face was enough to help curb some of his anger over the horrible things that were being said, but the truth was Greg was struggling to keep his cool here. Despite himself, he kept trying to think about what Steven would do in this situation and find a way to empathize with the governor and somehow make him see reason. It was obvious that Buddy had really admired the Crystal Gems at one point and time. Whatever had caused him to lose his faith in them like this had to be some awful mistake. 

“Buddy please. You've gotta believe here me, the Crystal Gems were horrified when they discovered the Gem Mutants and the Cluster," Greg assured him. "Garnet almost fell to pieces when she found out gems she had known had been mashed together against their will for some type of evil experiment. I know that you’re angry, but you’re mad at the wrong group of gems.” 

“You’re still not _listening_ to me, Greg.” The nondescript man fumed, “Of course I know that part of the story. I just told you that my family knows more about the Crystal Gems and Homeworld than just about anyone else on this planet. The only people who might know more than me are maybe you and your son! And your son’s the very reason that I’m certain that Rose Quartz was in on the Cluster from the start!” Getting to his feet, the little man began to pace, “Your son is the new Pink Diamond. And the only way that your son could be the new Pink Diamond is if his _mother_ was Pink Diamond first.” Letting out a manic laugh, Buddy around and slammed his hands on the interrogation table, “Don’t you get it now? Rose Quartz was playing both sides this entire time! Five thousand years ago is exactly around the same time Pink Diamond was shattered, so there would have been no way for the other Diamonds on Homeworld to interfere with Earth at that time. The only person alive who could have had the authority at the time to give the Homeworld Gems permission to put the Cluster in the Earth’s core was Pink Diamond herself.” 

“So you see, Rose Quartz never cared about the Earth, or humanity or even her own people on either side of the battlefield, Greg. She shattered Homeworld and Rebel Gems alike and allowed them to be buried in the Earth’s core as a bio-weapon.” Leaning closer so he could declare it for the world, Buddy breathed, “From the very beginning, all of this was just a sick game that a bored little girl decided to play on the people around her. Your precious Crystal Gems, your son, even _you_, Greg—you were just game pieces on a board to her.” 

Angry tears were building in Greg’s eyes as he listened to the man tear into his loved one, but he refused to give him the satisfaction of seeing him weep. Calmly getting to his feet, Steven’s dad firmly put his hands on the table, “I don’t believe you.” 

“What?” Buddy asked incredulously from across the room.

“I said I don’t believe you.” He repeated before he looked Buddy square in the eye, “Rose made a lot of mistakes over the years, I can’t deny that. Maybe she wasn’t always perfect, but she _was_ a good person, and I know that she loved the Crystal Gems. Rose Quartz may have done a lot of things that she regretted as Pink Diamond, but she would never have done that.” 

Sighing, the mousey looking politician couldn’t hide his disappointment. “I figured you might say that, Greg. Your blind devotion to Rose Quartz would almost be commendable if it weren’t so pathetic. But then again, you and your son have always had that annoying habit of trying to see the best in everyone, even when it ends up hurting the people you love the most. I suppose that’s just one more reason why I need to get rid of the Crystal Gems.” Pulling Ruby’s gem out from his pocket, the governor held it out for Greg to see, “Maybe I should start with her?” 

Almost tender in the way he put the ruby on the table, the man pulled out a gem destabilizer and turned it on a full charge. “You know in some ways, though, I’m thankful to her. After all, if it weren’t for Rose Quartz, I never would have gotten into politics. You see, the biggest lesson that she ever taught me was that evil happens not because people are cruel, but rather because people are kind.” With that, Buddy touched the gem with the full force of the destabilizer and held it in place as sparks erupted all around them.

“People’s kindness is what rots the world.” 

“Stop it!” Greg howled, trying desperately to defend Ruby but his handcuffs made it impossible for him to reach. “YOU’RE HURTING HER!” 

“Haven’t you ever noticed? That’s why evil just shines so much brighter in our minds than good ever can.” Buddy continued, ignoring the man’s pleas and watching in sick pleasure as the ruby got hotter and hotter under the destabilizer’s current, “That’s why even though your son established peace across the universe, I’m about to prove to you all just how fragile that it is.” 

“Thanks to Rose Quartz, I’ve realized that people don’t actually rally behind ideas like hope. No, we all bond together better when we hate something. And that’s all humanity needs right now, something to hate. Something like, say, an evil alien horde that’s out to destroy all of mankind? Ronaldo Fryman’s irresponsible blog post was all the ammunition I needed to turn humans against the Crystal Gems for good. How pathetic is that? To know that all it took was two emails from the governor’s office and a viral video, and I reduced your son’s pathetic crusade to _dust_.” 

Ruby’s gem let out a little shudder before it started to crack.

Using the only weapon in the room he could reach, Greg didn’t have time to think or speak as he picked up his chair and swung it like a bat. All he could do was act and hope that he wasn’t too late to stop her from shattering.

The chair instantly connected with the Governor’s head and let out a sickening crack of its own before either man could really register what had just taken place.

Eyes rolling back into his head, Buddy dropped like a sack of potatoes the instant he was struck. Hitting the ground with a heavy thud, the governor grew dangerously still, as a small stream of red already began to trickle down his forehead.

“Yeah, I’ve got your pathetic crusade right here, you son of a bitch.” Greg panted before he shakily dropped the chair so he could pick Ruby’s gem off the ground.

Adrenaline, however, quickly gave way to disgust over what he had done, and the man’s hands were suddenly trembling so hard that he could barely hold onto her gem.

Greg had seriously just assaulted the Governor.

Oh geez, that realization alone was driving him dangerously close to throwing up and wetting his pants at the same time.

Violence was _never_ something that he had ever condoned.

In fact, he had never even gotten into a schoolyard fight with a bully before today.

To strike out in anger was wrong in any situation; it went against everything he believed in and had tried to teach Steven. But it still didn’t change the fact that Greg would have done it all over again in a heartbeat if it meant he could protect his family from this insane bastard and his delusions of an intergalactic war.

Thankfully, he didn’t have to wrestle with his conflicting emotions for too long, as a flash of light pulled him out of his panic as Ruby began to reform.

Materializing in his arms, the little soldier let out a groan as she returned to the world. Her entire right side felt limp and useless, and for the life of her, the Gem just couldn’t understand why she couldn’t move.

At least not until she noticed the large crack running down the length of her gemstone.

“Aw man, seriously? That’s two times now in less than 24 hours.” Ruby grumbled, “There isn’t some kind of prize here for the most gem cracks in a day, is there?” 

“Tell you what, if we somehow manage to make it out of this without dying or being locked away for the rest of our lives, I’ll buy you all the triple chocolate fudge donuts on the east coast. How’s that for a prize?” Greg retorted with a teary chuckle before he pulled her in for a hug, “Welcome back.” 

“Oh, ow, not so tight.” The fiery gem winced. Patting his back with the one hand she could still use, the guard was taking in their new surroundings when she instantly zoomed in on the unconscious governor sprawled out on the floor.

“Sweet Proxima Centauri!” She shouted, “Did you just _kill_ that guy, Greg?!”

“What? No, of course not!” The grizzled man exclaimed before he sunk in on himself a little. Moaning, he buried his face in his hands, “Oh man, who am I kidding here? I don’t know! I hit him really hard back there, and now I’m too afraid to check. Assault is one thing, but I think they pretty much fire you out of a cannon and into the sun if you assassinate a governor.” 

“Wow.” Ruby commended, genuinely in awe that Greg had just laid someone out cold like that. “I take back what I said earlier about you being a wimp.” 

“You didn’t call me a wimp; you called me a coward.” He corrected as he got to his feet, “But let’s save the apologies for later, huh?” Cradling Ruby in one arm, Greg peered out the integration window and checked for signs of any more agents.

So far, the coast was clear. But he didn’t know whether to chalk it up to the fact Buddy was crazy and that’s why he didn’t bring in extra security or be insulted at the point that the governor had thought Greg was so weak that he didn’t need any backup, to begin with.

“Seriously, please don’t be impressed by that, Ruby.” He begged her when he turned back and realized she was still admiring his handiwork, “Almost killing a person isn’t anything to be proud of; this is a one time only, life or death kind of thing, and I only did it in the first place because he was going to shatter you if I hadn’t.” 

“Greg.” The gem murmured, touched by the fact that he would go that far to protect her.

“How about we make a deal?” Greg said, holding up his pinky finger, “As soon as we find a way to break out of here, you have to _swear_ to me that you won’t tell Steven about any of this.” 

“Deal.” She agreed as she roped her pinky around his, “I swear that I won’t tell Steven that you broke that guy’s skull if you swear that you won’t tell Sapphire that you had to carry me out of here like some kind of damsel in distress.” 

_To be continued…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update 11/21/19: 
> 
> So I wanted to add more context to the story since I got a few questions regarding the chapter. If you remember in Season 02 Episode 08 "Keeping it Together," when Garnet and Steven find the observation room where Peridot had been checking on Gem Mutants, we get a first-hand view of Garnet's despair at the realization that the Artificial Fusions are, in fact, Crystal Gems that were shattered into pieces. When Garnet recognizes the shards of those gems, it causes her to nearly unfuse, and Ruby and Sapphire have some internal dialogue as they talk through the horror of the situation:
> 
> Garnet: They were buried together, they were forced together, forced to fuse.  
Ruby: So this is what Homeworld thinks of Fusion.  
Sapphire: We couldn't have known they would do this.  
Ruby: This is where they've been- all the ones we couldn't find. They've been here the whole time!  
Sapphire: Rose _couldn't_ have known!  
Ruby: This was punishment for the Rebellion!  
Sapphire: We don't believe that it's our fault!
> 
> Yeah... see, this is one of those things that most of us watching the show probably didn't think much of at the time, but with the reveal of Rose Quartz being Pink Diamond, this becomes another big-ticket item that has the potential to be really bad. If the Cluster and the Gem Mutants are what Garnet believes them to be, thousands of gems from both Homeworld and the Rebellion were shattered and used to make the dormant bio-weapon. All of this could have been Yellow Diamond at work, but another likely suspect is Pink. After all, if Rose were still playing both roles during the time, Earth would still have been her colony. So it stands to reason that she should have been aware that her Homeworld Gems were trying to plant the Cluster. 
> 
> Of course, all of this is speculation, but it does make the Cluster an even more tragic figure than it already was. 
> 
> Also, I wanted to talk a bit about Buddy as a character. As I mentioned earlier, I've been inquisitive about how other humans, besides Beach City residents, feel about the gems and how the war against Homeworld must have impacted the world at large. In "Buddy's Book," we actually get a human that is fascinated by Gem culture. When Rose looks at his logs and tells the original Buddy that he can be a great author, she sets him on the path of writing so many books that he could fill a library. I took this legacy of Buddy's a bit further and created the Buddwick line. Seeing as Mayor Dewey is still in Beach City, I didn't feel it would be much of a stretch for Buddy's great-grandchildren to also be in the area. 
> 
> A world full of ancient alien artifacts and technology sounds fantastic, doesn't it? I think myself and just about every kid who's ever dreamed of being Indiana Jones would drool at the opportunity to explore an Earth that had been touched by another race from outside the stars. So why aren't people around the world planning destination weddings at the Sea Spire or taking guided tours of the Beta Kindergarten? There have to be at least a few humans on Earth interested in who and what the Gems were. I just happened to make some of those people the Buddwicks. 
> 
> That passion for knowledge and adventure is a part of who Buddy used to be. He's every one of us that has been idealistic as a child to become jaded as an adult once he weighed reality against his childhood expectations. Buddy is every superfan who loved something more than he should and then became disenfranchised when that thing ultimately let him down. 
> 
> You don't need to like this character, but I hope you can understand his motivations a little bit. One of the reasons I purposefully made him nondescript and forgettable was because that sense of being invisible adds to his trauma. Buddy has always been in Beach City, but he's still considered an outsider despite being a part of the town. Buddy was never special enough to be a townie, so he's just a spectator, observing the gems and Steven but never being included in their world. And if we were to take that a bit further, a lot of the things that happen in Beach City can seem scary and frightening to an outsider's eyes. Buddy has seen the best and the worst of the gems, all from the perspective of someone who was never close enough to love them or really get to know them as people. Over time, however, that idealism has turned into resentment and now warped his view.
> 
> Like many of Steven Universe's characters, I just didn't want my secondary antagonist to be a one-dimensional character. This is someone who's been disappointed and hurt by the Crystal Gems myth in the same way that a lot of other people have been throughout the series. Is there hope for redemption in this character? *shrug* Who can say? But it wouldn’t be Steven Universe if we didn’t at least acknowledge that no bad guy in this show is ever 100% bad.


	16. Lethe water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Crystal Gems strategize about where to go from here, and Steven wonders if sometimes the things you lose might be better off staying lost.

_—16L Bus: In Route to Beach City—_

_One hour earlier…_

Steven Universe and Connie Maheswaran had always had an unrestrained friendship.

Whether it was snuggling like puppies when they were camping out during a sleepover, to sharing drinks, or holding hands when it was snowy outside, personal space had just never really been a thing with them. Connie didn’t know if that type of touchy-feely relationship went against most social norms. However, she suspected it did, considering how her dad sometimes tended to breathe fire if Steven got within a 10-foot radius of her. But even if it was weird by conventional standards, the friendship she and Steven had together just worked.

Hugs and affectionate words came so easily to Steven, and that’s what made him special. He wasn’t like any of the closed-off boys she went to high school with, and that was just one more reason she _liked_ him so much.

But it also had complicated things too.

Now that they were both getting older, their relationship hadn’t changed, but there were all these new feelings involved.

Recently, whenever Steven would lean his head against her shoulder when they read together, Connie couldn’t help the shiver of delight that would shoot up her spine at being so close to him.

Even their casual touches always lasted too long or ended far too quickly now, as both parties seemed hesitant to let go but were afraid to admit they wanted to hold on.

So many of the things that used to be simple between the two of them were now full of unanswered questions that were hidden in every awkward blush, thundering heartbeat, or sweaty palm.

Connie knew what the problem was, though.

The problem was that she was love in with Steven Universe.

When precisely it had happened, that she wasn’t sure of, but if Connie was honest with herself, maybe she had always been a little crazy about him. From the moment the strange little boy had accidentally trapped her in a bubble at the bottom of the ocean, offering her back her frozen bracelet and his friendship, she knew she had been a goner.

But now that Connie was finally at a point where she could acknowledge those feelings, she had no idea what she was supposed to _do_ with them.

Admitting them suddenly changed everything.

At the same time, it didn’t change anything at all.

Because despite the hugs that lingered just a little too long, or the rushed peck on the cheek she had finally dared to give him, they were both still carrying on exactly as they always had.

And it was driving her crazy.

_He_ was driving her crazy.

The entire teenage experience was driving her crazy!

It was all the little things that were really starting to get to her. Things like how Steven looked like a total geek when he laughed. His eyes always crinkled at the corners, and if something was really funny, he temporarily lost that neck of his since his whole body tended to bunch up like a slinky.

It always managed to make her heart flip every time she saw it.

Or that Steven seemed to like everything when it came to food, and it was somehow just as endearing as it was gross. It was bad enough when he put anchovies on toast and cheese puffs in sushi rolls, but no one with taste buds should _ever_ put strawberry jam on a calzone unless their next stop was to the emergency room. And worse, what type of rational human being would think that was cute?

Ugh, she did.

Even the way he slept managed to be both ludicrous and adorable. Steven was still like a little kid in as he could sleep anywhere, his mouth usually open, limbs loose and boneless the minute his head hit a pillow. Connie even knew the sound of his snore by heart – as the _huuuuurk, grrrrngh-gnrrrrgh-huuuuuuUURK _happened like clockwork whenever he fell asleep on his stomach.

Groaning, the girl brought herself out of her thoughts so she could slam her head against the bus’s windowpane.

Did she really have it so bad for him that she was cataloging her best friend’s snores now?

Why did feelings have to be so complicated?

In the distance, Connie could finally see Beach City coming into focus from the coastline. It wouldn’t be more than twenty minutes now before she’d be home.

Signs of Spinel’s attack on the town had been everywhere when Lion had taken her back to Space Camp three days earlier. Now though, everything in the city looked brand new, like nothing had even happened.

Well on the surface, at least.

That was the funny thing about change, though, is that things could still look the way they always had but be completely different too.

* * *

_—Beach City—_

_The present…_

When Connie had initially called out to the towering person in front of her, a part of her hadn’t really believed it was him.

This Steven just looked so _different _from the boy she knew.

The curls were still the same. That unmistakable mop of black hair was practically recognizable from space. His locks always managed to be wild and, at the same time, framed his face in a way that made him look sweet.

Most teenage boys might have cringed at that description, but that’s just who Steven Universe _was_. He was warm and kind and brave and sweet.

This Steven, however, did not look sweet.

Dressed in black instead of pink, this Steven looked both taller and more mature somehow. His chest and arms were broader now, waist trimmer than they had been three days ago.

Thankfully, his face was mostly the same. Those familiar cheeks, that easy smile, the thick eyebrows, all those things were exactly the way Connie remembered them.

But those eyes.

Those eyes were the biggest change of all.

The Diamonds’ quadrilateral pupils and jewel-like irises had always been pretty and almost ornamental in the past.

But on Steven, those eyes didn’t look ornamental—they were otherworldly.

They made him look so inhuman.

“Connie, you’re back!”

He closed the distance between the two of them before she did, and suddenly Connie found herself enveloped in a hug that was both familiar and strange. 

Steven had always been a big fan of the bear hug, and he usually squeezed people with everything he had. That part was normal, but he was so much taller than he had been three days ago. Now the top of her head barely managed to come up to his sternum.

“Hi there, Steven.” She said awkwardly, doing her best to return the embrace.

“How was camp?” He asked, releasing her from his hold and offering to take her bag for her. The act would have been nothing out of the ordinary if it wasn’t for the fact they were in a smoldering war zone.

“Oh, I have a lot of things I want to tell you, but I think _you_ should go first.” Connie answered as she slipped into her role as the more rational one of the pair. “What happened here? Why are there pieces of government-issued trucks all over City Hall?” 

“There’s a tank at the bottom of the bay too.” Steven added, and the mean-spirited smile that flashed across his lips unnerved her. Like when a little boy pulled the wings off a fly.

Okay, it wasn’t just the eyes or height; Steven seemed really off right now.

He was _never_ mean-spirited.

“Connie, why don’t you come back with us to Little Homeworld?” Pearl asked, coming up from behind the two and gently herding them away from the scene. “We all have a lot to talk about.” 

There was an unspoken heaviness in her words that made Connie’s heart seize.

* * *

_—Little Homeworld—_

_Thirty minutes later…_

“So, Mr. Universe is currently being held by federal agents, the Governor is convinced you’re all evil alien invaders, and Steven’s diamond is completely on the fritz?” Connie repeated once the Crystal Gems had told her the whole story. “That’s…” 

“Horrible beyond all reason?” Lapis chimed in helpfully from her spot in the corner.

“I guess that’s one way to put it.” Connie agreed.

Hugging herself, Pearl found herself in a strange and uncomfortable situation. With Garnet currently split in two and Steven not really acting like Steven, the role of leader of the Crystal Gems seemed to be falling to her now.

“Steven was able to handle the situation without any human causalities,” She explained, “But I’m certain that the human leading them will be back. Angrier than ever and probably with even more reinforcements. What really worries me, though, is that Steven might not be in control of himself enough to hold back next time.” 

“What’s wrong with him, Pearl?” Connie asked, glancing out the window so that she and the others could check on the boy from a distance.

Steven, Lars, Amethyst, and Peridot were sitting outside just talking casually. If someone hadn’t witnessed the devastation for themselves, there would be no sign at all from the happy quartet that anything exciting had happened at all in Beach City.

“I don’t know.” Pearl said honestly, “If I could hazard a guess, I’d say it has something to do with what happened the other night at the house. When his gem almost brought the roof down, it was like some of Rose’s powers just went into overdrive. We Gems don’t have physical bodies, so everything we are, from our primary functions to our personalities, is stored in our gem core. But Steven is part human, too, so he doesn’t work the way we do. He has a human brain and a nervous system that’s completely separate from his gemstone. The only explanation I have is that maybe his diamond is overriding parts of his human personality right now. Our gems are much more advanced than anything on earth, but some of the core mechanics still function similarly to a computer. If Steven’s diamond is trying to manifest its powers at full force, then maybe it just doesn’t have enough memory space by itself.” 

“Can your gems really do that?” Connie asked in amazement.

“I don’t _know_!” Pearl professed again, “All of this is new territory when it comes to Steven. There’s never been a gem like him before, so we have nothing to go on. Oh, I hate being so useless here; I feel like there isn’t anything I can do to help him.” 

“Maybe we should take him back to Homeworld?” Lapis reasoned, even though it made her feel a little dirty to be the one to put the idea out on the table. “The Diamonds probably have some idea what to do in this situation; maybe they know how to fix him.” 

“Yeah, because the Diamonds have such a solid history of helping broken gems.” Bismuth scoffed, crossing her arms, “Look if we bring him to Homeworld, you really think the Diamonds are going to want to fix this? Those upper crusts will take one look at him and think they’re precious Pink has come back for good. They’ll sink their claws in the kid and try to make a Diamond out of him, a _real_ Diamond, not the gem he is now, not one of us. Don’t you see? If we take him to Homeworld, they’ll ruin him.” 

“Well, we can’t just leave him like this!” Lapis thundered back, “I don’t like the idea either, but what choice do we have here? Because that _isn’t_ Steven out there. Steven would never put all of us in danger like this; he’d never pick a fight with an entire government and jeopardize our home!” 

“You’re wrong, Lapis. Steven did his best back there; he really did. He tried to reason with the Colonel, but the man just wouldn’t listen to him.” Pearl tried to reassure her, “They even tried to shoot Padparadscha and Jenny. It was obvious from the start that those humans weren’t going to rest until they reached Little Homeworld and took us captive. Driving them out by force was the only way he was able to stop them. Steven wasn’t violent for the sake of violence back there; he was doing it to protect us.” 

Pearl _hoped_ that was true at least.

After all, maybe he was a little mixed up right now, but her Steven was still in there—for the most part, at least.

He just seemed to be having a hard time accessing certain mental queues right now. Like someone running on impulse without the ability to remember what things like fear and pain were.

Or the ability to gage right and wrong.

That one was the most troubling.

* * *

_Meanwhile outside…_

“So, you seriously have laser powers now?!” Amethyst crowed in awe as Steven demonstrated for her.

“Pearl has laser powers too.” The teen said with a shrug, “It’s not that big of a deal. Here I’ll show you,” Holding his hand out, he pulled at the waves of light and created a pulse of pink energy, “Light doesn’t just reflect off stuff; if you twist it like this, then you can force it to travel into things too. Instead of bouncing off it, the light moves through the object instead, and then it scatters and fractures. Don’t you see all those dark areas there? I think that’s refraction or something, that’s where the lasers are coming from.” 

“Dude, all I see is a pink ball of lightning,” Amethyst replied as he released the energy and let it evaporate back into non-visible light, “But hey, new laser powers!” Sprawling on top of him, the purple gem grabbed his arms and flopped them around like noodles, “Watch out for this guy here, folks; he’s got guns so dangerous they’re wanted in all 39 states!” 

“Amethyst cut it out!” Steven laughed as she treated him like a puppet and waved his hands in the air. He was about to wrench them out of her grasp when she pulled at his palm and suddenly noticed all the dried blood and deep lacerations there.

“Holy cow, Steven, you’re bleeding really badly!” The little gem exclaimed, “How did you even get cut up like that?” 

“Oh yeah.” He murmured, bringing his hand up to examine it. That had happened back when Bryndza had been trying to break free of his chokehold. Boy, the colonel had really gotten him good back there; this wound almost looked like it needed stitches.

A quick dab of spit was all it took to fix things right up, but watching the tendons knit themselves back together and fade into a perfect, scar-less palm, Steven realized it bugged him a little.

He hadn’t even noticed that was there until now.

It wasn’t that it didn’t hurt, because it did. It was just another one of those things that he was feeling really disconnected to right now.

“Hey, uh, you still doing okay over there?” Lars inquired, trying to break the awkward silence that was settling back in.

“Actually, I’m feeling _really_ good right now. But—I don’t think I should be,” Steven answered, still staring down at his palm.

“How do you mean?” The other boy wondered.

Trying to explain it was hard, but he still gave it his best shot, “Mm. Well, when I woke up after that last attack, I felt like some big piece of myself was missing. Like my entire life was a song, and I could still remember all the words, but not all of the melody.” 

“It’s weird how this all feels like it happened to someone else now, but before all this, I was really scared about the future.” Steven reflected, “I tried to hide it from my family, but sometimes there was just so much pressure. It wasn’t enough that I had to live up to my Mom’s legacy; now that all the bad stuff that she did was out in the open, it meant that I had to _be_ better than she was too. I had to be a better leader, a better friend, a better Crystal Gem, a better Diamond. And I did it; I was happy to do it because I thought that was the only way I could make things right with everyone she had hurt. But—well, I mean, I love everyone, but sometimes living up to all those expectations made me feel like I was being buried alive.” 

The boy’s voice was even as he spoke, but he seemed completely detached from the whole experience. “Now, though, everything’s different. I can’t remember why I was so worked up in the first place. All that weight I was carrying, it’s just gone. And all those bad thoughts I was having—they seem so far away. I don’t think I miss them either. It feels _great_ not having to worry all the time.”

Letting out a fragile little laugh, Steven shook his head as if he was trying to clear away a fog that just wouldn’t leave. “But I know that’s not right, I know I’m not myself right now. I shouldn’t be happy about any of this. I keep messing things up, and I keep making Pearl sad, and I keep getting things wrong. I’m supposed to be Steven Universe, but—but I don’t think I am him right now. Not really anyway.” 

“Yes, you are.” Amethyst answered back, “And even if you aren’t who you used to be, you’re still who you are right now. That person is still Steven Universe. Besides, what have you always told me? ‘Through whoever you’ve been, through whoever you’ll be, through whatever you lose, you will always have me.’ That song works both ways, y’know?” 

Smiling wearily at his family member, Steven had to admit that there was a certain amount of irony in having his own song thrown back at him. But he knew her heart was in the right place. “Thanks, Amethyst. For staying with me.” 

“Look, I’m here for you too, buddy. But if you two are seriously about to break into song, I’m going back to Beach City.” Lars announced, getting to his feet, “My policy on musical numbers has not changed since the deserted island, Steven.” 

“Oh, Lars, I’m sure you have a beautiful voice.” Steven joked, seeing as the tender moment between Amethyst and him had passed.

“I would disagree, Steven.” Peridot countered, looking up from her tablet to join in on the conversation for the first time in the last hour. “Giving Lars’ nasally countertenor and his abysmal voice range, his singing would most likely be equal in pitch and tone to one of those screaming goats from the TubeTube videos. We should avoid any forms of music with him at all costs.” 

“Hey, I don’t have to take that from _you_, you evil little space Dorito! Your voice is just as annoying as mine is.” The space pirate snarked, snatching Peridot’s tablet out of her hands and instantly making a break for the warp pad.

“Give that back, you clod!” Peridot shrieked as she gave chase, “If you smudge my lock screen with your grubby pink touch stumps, I swear that no amount of tears from Steven will be able to save you once I’m finished with you!” 

“I’m sorry, what was that?” Lars taunted as he purposely held it far out of her reach, “I can’t hear you from all the way down there, kiwi.” 

“Grrr!” Peridot snarled before she changed strategy and bit one of his kneecaps, “What are you doing up there?! Don’t you dare touch my apps! I will destroy you!” 

“She’s like an angry little Tasmanian devil, isn’t she?” Amethyst commented as she and Steven watched the pair fight.

“I didn’t know her jaw could lock like that.” Steven agreed, almost hypnotized by the sight unfolding in front of them.

While his two friends engaged in what was quickly becoming part keep away, part Thunderdome, Steven couldn’t help but feel a little better about things.

Pearl had looked so sad and scared when they had first gotten back to Little Homeworld that Steven had been convinced that he had really messed up again. But these guys weren’t treating him like he was defective or crazy. 

So maybe he wasn’t all that broken after all.

Besides, Steven Universe had the best friends in the galaxy. As long as he still had them, he could figure out the rest later.

Things would be okay.

_To be continued…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, full confession here, my wonderful readers. I am terrible at writing romance. I tend to focus on psychological intrigue and action sequences. Angst, trauma, and blood, that’s stuff I can write. Feelings of the happily ever after variety... err well, I'll let you be the judge. 
> 
> Especially seeing as I'm trying to keep within the canon's confines, I felt that I couldn't include Connie as a character without adding the love interest part to the story. It's been pretty obvious since Season 01 that the two are really into one another, and I hope that Future will finally give them the push they need to admit their feelings. 
> 
> With that said, I hope that I was still able to express what I needed to within the plot without writing Connie out of character or making her seem overly boy crazy with the opening monologue. As I mentioned before, it's undeniable that both parties like each other, but getting from point A to point B is where we see them struggle. In my opinion, while Steven is one of the most emotionally intelligent 16-year-olds in pop culture, he's also kind of naive when it comes to matters of the heart. From his Peter Pan complex and the fact he wasn’t sure if he was going to age, to being half-alien and not understanding conventional social norms about dating, he has many things working against him here. So, ultimately, I think Connie will have to be the one to initiate when it comes to moving their relationship from puppy love to actual romance, which is why I wrote her in the way I did.
> 
> Besides, Steven Universe is all about challenging gender norms, and girls like Connie can totally sweep the boy off their feet and carry them off into the sunset.
> 
> She just might want to wait until Steven is a little less Diamond-y to do it.


	17. Like time, insanity is relative

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite insane.”  
― Nikola Tesla

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty dialogue-heavy, but it's setting the bigger stage for integrating Homeworld, the prison breakout, and things to come. I hope you enjoy it; I've been trying to post pretty consistently and wanted to have an update out before the Thanksgiving holiday.

_—Little Homeworld— _

“Oh, Peridot, will you stop picking on Lars!” Pearl scolded once she and the others emerged from Bismuth’s forge. The little gem had risen victorious from their previous standoff, and she now had the older boy pinned onto the ground so she could continuously smack his face with her open palms, her precious tablet safely secured back on its arm holster.

“And why aren’t you two helping him?” Pearl asked, flashing them the face that Steven had dubbed ‘Disappointed Mom Pout Number 3’. Taking matters into her own hands, she tried to pull the rabid technician off the youth with no luck.

“Because it’s funny?” Amethyst replied, feeling like she was stating the obvious here.

“Smacking and biting people is a pretty standard ice breaker for Peridot. I just thought it was their first step in becoming friends.” Steven added with a shrug. After all, it had worked in his case.

“I…” Pearl sighed, moving from her mom pout to the slightly constipated look she got whenever she knew someone was right, but she’d rather poof herself than admit it. “I can’t actually argue with that.” 

Coming up to stand beside her best friend, Connie joined the crowd of onlookers who watched as Pearl tried to break up the fighting. Eventually, it took the combined efforts of Bismuth and Lapis pulling Lars on one end and Pearl on the other end to finally pry the two apart.

“Hey there, Strawberry.” The boy next to her greeted warmly, scooting over a little so she could sit next to him, “You guys finish talking?” 

While Jam Bud was still a common nickname in their repertoire, it had actually been a few years since Steven had referred to her as Strawberry. It was sweet if a little cheesy. And when that was mixed in with the fondness that was written plain as day on his face, well Connie’s heart couldn’t help but start thundering in her chest again.

“Yeah,” She said as she saddled up beside him, “Pearl was just catching me up on everything that’s happened so far. I’m so sorry, Steven, I wish I could have gotten here sooner.” 

“Well, you’re here now,” Steven remarked, bringing a hand up so he could brush a strand of hair out of her eyes for her. His palm lingered at her hairline for a few seconds before he reached out to tenderly trace her jawline, his fingers stopping just short of touching her lips.

The gesture instantly made Connie’s cheeks burn, and she let out a small outcry of surprise at how forward he was being.

Steven had always been affectionate; that wasn’t the problem here. The problem was that all the hesitation and dancing around each other they had been doing for _months_ now had pretty much just flown out the window.

Eyes widening a realization struck her.

Steven couldn’t remember what fear was right now.

So he was just acting on impulse.

None of this was his fault, but why did knowing that he was only doing this because his gem was broken make her feel so awful all of a sudden?

“I’m doing it again, aren’t I?” The young man beside her guessed, sadly.

“Doing what?” Connie repeated a little dumbly since she was still trying to get her heart under control.

"Messing things up. Doing a really bad job of being Steven Universe.” Sighing, he gently wiped the tear tracks off her checks. “Now, I’m even making my Jam Bud cry.” 

Oh god, she hadn’t even realized that she _was _crying.

“No, Steven, I—” Furiously swiping at her face with one hand, she reached out and snatched his wrist before he could pull away from her. “I’m okay. You didn’t do anything wrong. I just…” 

_ I just miss you. Even though you’re right here, you’ve gone somewhere I can’t follow you. _

“You just surprised me.” She finished pulling him back down onto the ground with her, “Don’t go.” 

Steven didn’t resist her, so the two of them remained together holding hands.

The same awkwardness as before settled in between them, but everything else was different. This wasn’t the same Steven as the boy she had left three days ago. 

“So... did you guys come to a verdict?” Her best friend drawled after enough seconds of uncomfortable silence had passed.

“Verdict?” Connie reiterated, and she was starting to feel like a parrot with how much she was repeating back what he was saying.

“Yeah, you guys decide if I’m crazy?” The half-gem inquired with a small smile, crinkling his nose in the telltale sign that he was teasing her.

Well, at least he _could _ joke about all this.

“Oh, Biscuit, nobody thinks you’re crazy.” Reaching out, she touched his shoulder before pulling him into a side hug, “The Gems are just worried about you.” 

“Come on, Connie, I might be a little off right now, but I’m not stupid,” Steven responded with a raised brow. His tone stayed friendly, but the words were slightly accusatory, “You guys have been holed up in Bismuth’s workshop since we got off the warp pad, and Pearl can barely look at me right now. Not to mention that we both know the Gems sent these three out here to babysit me.” There was no malice there, but by the way that Amethyst and Lars both suddenly flinched, it was obvious that they had been caught, “All signs seem to point to the fact you’re all wondering if I’m about to go off the deep end.” 

“It isn’t that, Steven, we swear that it isn’t,” Pearl explained sadly, reaching out to touch Steven’s curls.

He didn’t pull away from her, but there was so much doubt in his eyes, and Pearl hated knowing she was the one who had put it there.

“Look, dude,” Amethyst jumped in, trying to come to Pearl’s rescue, “It’s just that well, the Crystal Gems took an oath to protect all the life here on Earth. And as much as it stinks right now, that _includes_ the soldiers that were sent to round us up. But you seriously went and almost killed that guy back there. We’re all just trying to process that.” 

“I know. I know I messed up. And I’m really sorry about that. I’ll try to remember next time.” Steven stated, sincerely, “The Crystal Gems don’t shatter anyone.” 

“Do you understand why we don’t shatter anyone?” The purple gem stressed.

“Because… it’s the right thing to do…?” The half-gem answered slowly, making it obvious that he was just guessing here.

“But do you understand _why _ it’s the right thing to do, Steve-o?” Amethyst prodded since this was painful to watch. Steven was the biggest advocate of peace on Earth there was, and now he couldn’t even remember _why _it was important in the first place.

Brow furrowing, the boy crossed his arms and frowned, “Hmm.” 

He thought really hard for a moment, but it just wasn’t doing any good. Voices murmured in his head before the buzzing drowned them out again, and his heart started to ache in that strange place he could no longer reach.

It was all so far away; he could barely feel any of it—but maybe, maybe if he really concentrated.

The young man seemed to perk up for a second before he sighed again, “Wait, no. Yes—no, ah darn it. I-I think I almost had it there for a second, but then I lost it again.” 

“I’m sorry.” Steven murmured after a few minutes, hanging his head a little. He just couldn’t remember.

“Steven, don’t worry about it.” Connie comforted, taking the hand she was still holding and squeezing it reassuringly, “It’s okay if some of these things seem fuzzy to you. We’re going to help you get through this. Because that’s what friends do.” 

“The thing is, though, I don’t know if I need help.” The teen disclosed, gently pulling his hand out of his friend’s hold. “I don’t know if I _want_ you guys to fix this. I know I keep getting things wrong and forgetting stuff, but I’m not chained down anymore either. I feel free—and well, I don’t want that to go away.” 

“But Steven, you’re not yourself right now.” Pearl lamented.

“Maybe I don’t want to be myself right now, Pearl.” The teen countered, “Is that really so wrong? I’ve been playing it over and over in my head ever since I woke up, but I just don’t understand why I was doing all this. Why was I killing myself trying to be like Mom for so long? Why was I trying to live up to these impossible standards when _she_ couldn’t even live up to them? Rose Quartz was a self-righteous hypocrite.” 

“Steven, do _not _talk about your mother that way!” His mother’s confidant snapped at him in a mix of shock and outrage.

“Why not? It’s the truth.” Steven replied coolly as he stared Pearl down, “All this talk about protecting all life on earth no matter the cost, it’s just a fairytale. But then Mom was really good at creating fairytales, wasn’t she? No one can live up to those kinds of standards all the time, not even Rose Quartz.” Barking out a mean little laugh, he slapped his forehead, “Oh, who am I kidding here? _Especially_ Rose Quartz. Mom loved to set up all these impossible standards and rules about peace and love for the rest of us to follow, but her track record sure shows that she sucked when it came to practicing what she preached! For years now, we’ve talked about the sanctity of life here on Earth. But it’s tough to swallow that same tired old story when you weigh those stupid ideals of hers against all the people that the Crystal Gems couldn’t save.” 

Recoiling at those words Amethyst, Pearl and Sapphire couldn’t believe what was coming out of his mouth.

“I’m not blaming you for that,” He tried to explain, “I’m not. I’m blaming _her_. But don’t you see how pointless this all is? Mom didn’t want to shatter Homeworld Gems, so she bubbled Bismuth and hid her away, Mom didn’t want the people on either side of the war to get hurt, so she ‘shattered’ herself, and in response to that, the Diamonds corrupted all the gems on Earth. But even that wasn’t enough! Then the Diamonds wanted to destroy the planet in revenge for Pink’s death, so they planted the Cluster. She kept trying to protect everyone, and all it did was make things worse. And now the same terrible things keep happening to us because we’ve been doing things her way. Don’t you get it? I may be the one with the broken brain here, but you’re the ones who are all acting crazy! If you keep on trying to protect everyone, then you aren’t going to be able to protect _anyone_.” 

“Steven, what are you saying?” Sapphire quavered in horror.

“I’m saying I’m glad I almost killed that guy back there, Sapphire. A creep like that needed to be knocked down a peg.” The half-gem spat, “The only reason I’m sorry about anything that happened at City Hall is that I made Pearl sad. Those trigger happy jerks were ready to take out Padparadscha without a second thought. So are you really going to tell me that finishing off a few terrible humans who want to hurt us and everything we’ve built here on Earth is a bad thing? What happens if Ruby and Dad are the people those soldiers try to hurt next? Does your dumb oath to protect all life matter more to you than they do? What are we all still even doing here? We’re wasting time when we should be getting Ruby and Dad back from the governor!” 

“Steven, you just don’t understand,” Pearl started, “This is why we need to fix what’s going on with you—” 

“You’re right, Pearl, I _ don’t _ understand, and nothing that any of you have said so far has changed my mind!” He exclaimed, cutting her off, “These people don’t want peace. They don’t want to talk to us, and they don’t want to listen to us. They just want to hurt us. So why not hurt them back and put them in their place once and for all? We have most of their forces on the run right now, so it would be easy to strike the police station and get our family back. I’m a Diamond; I could even do it all by myself, and no one else from Little Homeworld has to get caught up in this.” 

The gallery of sad and disappointed faces surrounding him told him they all thought he was crazy. Which, to be fair...maybe he was. It didn’t mean he was wrong, though.

Letting out a bitter sigh, the boy looked tired as he tried again, “Look, I don’t really expect you to be okay with all this, but can you at least trust me? This is something that I can do for everyone. So why won’t you let me do it? I may not be who I used to be anymore, and I’m definitely not Rose Quartz, but I _am_ still the Leader of the Crystal Gems. So it’s my job to protect you all, no matter what, which is why I’m okay with this. It’s the one thing I can do for you guys that she never could.” 

“Steven, you’re scaring me,” Pearl choked, desperately reaching out to touch him. 

Her little boy had never felt as far away from her as he did at this moment. Only the touch never landed. Instead, the teen caught Pearl’s hand and softly shook his head before he let go, refusing to let her placate him. 

“I know I am, Pearl. But that’s the point. I love you all enough to let you hate me.” He answered. 

“Mom always needed to be your hero, but me? I can be the bad guy for you too.” Steven said tenderly, and the love he had for all of them was radiating in those words. It would have been sweet if what he was saying wasn’t so horrible, “If keeping you all safe means becoming someone you despise, then I’ll become whatever monster you need me to be. That’s the difference between Mom and me. You being alive matters much more to me than whatever it is you might think about me.” 

_ To be continued… _


	18. A place to belong

_—Little Homeworld—_

_The Garden Outside of Bismuth’s Forge..._

"Steven, c’mon now. You’re smarter than this, so just think for a minute.” Bismuth interjected, stepping into the boy’s path before he could take another step. “If you go out there gem blazing, the only thing that you’ll end up doing is proving to those awful humans that they’re right about us. The Crystal Gems don’t have to stoop to their level to win.” 

“But Bismuth, what type of leader doesn’t give their army the best chance to win?” He asked calmly, despite the fact he was throwing her own words back at her. “I can do that. I can take them out without a single person from our side getting hurt.” When she wouldn’t move, his eyes darkened, and something almost sinister flashed across his usually gentle features, “Please get out of my way. We both know you can’t stop me.” 

“You know you’re right; I probably can’t stop you.” Bismuth said matter of factly since she knew what he was capable of as a Diamond, probably even better than he did. “Doesn’t mean I won’t try, though.” Using her impressive size and intimidating physique, she took a stand between him and the gate, the perfect blockade against any attempt at escape he might have.

The gem towered over him, arms crossed in utter defiance as the two stared each other down, a perfect example of an immovable object vs. an unstoppable force.

That is until she reached over and bopped him over the head with her fist.

“OW!” The teen yelped as he temporarily saw stars. She hadn’t beaned him hard enough actually to hurt him, but that hadn’t been a love pat either. Rubbing at the bump that was quickly forming on his head, he glared up at her, “Geez! What the heck was _that_ for?!”

“Well, since Garnet isn’t here to do this herself, I’m taking care of Bismuth for her.” Bismuth harrumphed before she grabbed the young man by the waist and hefted him up, slinging the boy over her shoulder like he was a sack of potatoes, “And right now, you’re on a time out, mister.” 

Out of all the things he was expecting Bismuth to do, this had not been one of them.

Even Sapphire looked surprised as her hand raised to her mouth in shock.

“Hey, wait! What are you—?!” He exclaimed, momentarily dumbfounded by what was taking place.

“Steven Quartz Universe, I swear on the molecular cloud, you are _killing _me here.” The muscular gem carrying him muttered before letting out a deep sigh, “Didn’t we just have a conversation about this, like not even 24 hours ago? And I thought we had a good talk too. You decided that you were going to stop acting like a Diamond and start trusting in the people who love you.” Dropping him on his rear, it was clear she was on her last nerve when it came to tolerating any more diamond incensed rants out of him, “So, what happened to that, huh? And why are you acting like a fully emerged upper crust right now?” 

“Well, a lot has changed in the last 24 hours.” Steven spluttered from where he had been tossed on the ground like a sack of gardening supplies. “Why don’t any of you understand? I _have_ to do this; it’s my job to protect you all! If I don’t, then everything that the citizens of Beach City just went through for us will be for nothing. I can’t risk getting them or you all any more involved in all this than you already are.” 

Bending down, the smithy clapped the spot on his head where she had just smacked him, “Kid, you’ve got to stop selling us all short here. What do you mean ‘risk getting us involved’? We became involved the minute those humans painted targets on our backs and called us invaders. And while we’re talking about it, I don’t recall any of Beach City citizens being held hostage here. They decided to help us because they _wanted_ to, Steven, and that isn’t anything you need to feel responsible for. I know you feel like you have to take care of everybody all the time, but it was _their _choice to get involved, and we need to respect that. Besides, you should be proud that we have friends that care about us the way they do! So, come on now, we might not all be saviors of the universe like you are, but,” Her massive hand managed to cover up most of his head, but the tender way she ruffled his hair soothed the ache from her previous blow. “We’re all in this together, remember?” 

“But…” The half-gem trailed off. His pink eyes swirled with confusion as Steven's affection for them seemed at war with the growing amount of influence his diamond was having on his mind.

Coming up from behind, Amethyst did her best to ignore how scared she was for him and just rapped him lightly with her foot, “She’s right, dude. You just asked all of us to trust you, and we want to, but Steve-o, come on. Your impulse control is pretty much non-existent right now. I know your brain’s a little scrambled, but you’ve got to find a way to fight this so that we can save our family.” 

“You don’t have to do this, Steven.” Connie pleaded, grabbing his hand as they tried to snap him out of this newfound taste for destruction. “We’re supposed to be in this jam together, remember? So please, don’t shut us all out.” 

It seemed to be working, at least a little bit. Steven Universe had always been more about love than hate, so they could see the ghost of who he used to be creep back onto his face. 

“You heard it from the peanut gallery. We’re all here for you if you want us to be, buddy.” Lars finished landing the emotional nail on the coffin with little more than a self-conscious shrug. “But you’ve got to get it together first.” 

Those open, hopeful faces of the people he loved seemed to bring Steven back from the brink, as his head and heart started aching in that far off place again. 

He just didn’t know what he was supposed to do here!

Without his empathy, the boy didn’t really understand what he was fighting for anymore; he just knew he had to keep fighting. So much of what he was doing was simply relying on pure instinct now. He had lost so much of who he used to be to the power of his diamond. 

That was part of the problem though, his gem’s power was overwhelming his senses and radiating through him with a force that made it hard to think straight.

Power was one of the few things he could still understand.

Power was easy.

Because he had it now, he was finally strong enough to defend the people he loved from anything that could ever hurt them.

That was supposed to be a good thing, right?

His family and friends didn’t have to be afraid ever again.

All he wanted to do was take care of them.

So, why did this hurt so much?

Why was _he _the one who kept hurting the people he was trying to protect?

This was all wrong—wasn’t it?

Lowering his head Steven was silent for a while, his body so rigid that his friends could barely tell if he was even breathing. It took several minutes for the young man to calm the demons in his head, but finally, their words seemed to reach him. His shoulders drooped into submission as the dark creature that had been possessing him seemed to retreat back into his mind for the time being.

“We’re in this together.” He repeated back quietly, “I won’t... I won’t go alone to the prison.” 

“Attaboy, Steven.” Bismuth whooped in a mix of relief and joy, reaching over to tussle that mess of curly hair for a second time, “I knew you were still in there somewhere.” 

The teen could only return that enthusiasm with a weak little smile of his own. He sure didn’t feel like himself right now. “I’m not so sure about that, but I’ll try.” 

And just like that, the worst was over—for now at least.

It was just another sign of how addled his brain was, though, since the adolescent seemed capable of only having two real moods right now: mild-mannered if somewhat detached teen or megalomaniacal Diamond on a rampage. Still, whatever his diamond was doing to him, he was fighting it as best he could, for _their_ sake if nothing else.

Bismuth was just glad that their little momentary stalemate hadn’t turned violent. It could have gone a whole other way if he had been serious about fighting her, “Honestly, kiddo, you really had me worried there for a minute. You know you can be really hardheaded when you want to be.” She decided to use this opportunity to throw in a joke, “Or is that just a facet of being a Diamond?” 

Snorting Steven couldn’t believe she was throwing puns around right now, so shortly after their standoff. It took him a minute to get there since he wasn’t exactly firing on all cylinders, but he was still able to play along, “Those are cutting words there, Bismuth.” 

“I know. I don’t carat if I seem awful.” The rainbow-haired gem replied, openly delighted that he had taken the bait and joined in their word game. Now _this_ version of Steven Universe was acting a lot more like himself again and less like a junior intergalactic tyrant out to conquer worlds.

“Sweet criminy, _please_ stop. I’m really glad that you’re not fighting anymore but stop. I can’t take any more terrible puns right now.” Lars groaned as he covered his ears.

“Maybe we should culet; Lars doesn’t seem to be enjoying this.” The half-gem quipped back with a smirk.

“Oh, you can shove that in a bubble, Steven.” The older teen grumbled as he shot his friend a dirty glare. Turning back to where Peridot and Lapis were hanging out in the backdrop, he shouted, “Oy, Peridot, get back over here, you little gremlin. I think I’d rather try being dead again than have to listen to one more bad diamond joke. So, quit being a wuss and come finish destroying me already!” 

“Alright, alright, you heard him, enough of that.” Bismuth chuckled as they all got back to the task at hand, “Now that the Crystal Gems are all on the same page again, let’s figure out how we’re going to bust our people out.” 

“Yes, we need to be smart about this and act quickly.” Sapphire agreed, “It's pretty safe to predict that if we don’t want Ruby and Greg to be used as leverage against Little Homeworld, then we need to get them out of harm’s way and fast.” 

“So how do we do that?” Steven asked since this was all new territory for him.

“We used to run hundreds of stealth missions back in the days of the Rebellion.” Bismuth boasted, “And if we could blow up 30 injectors right from under the nose of 20 Agate elites, then we can definitely sneak into one lousy human fortress and break out our people.” 

“I agree! It’s the best course of action!” Connie chimed in, “If we can get them out from underneath the government’s nose without anyone noticing, then the governor won’t have any legal recourse! Mr. Universe was arrested under suspicion of being a _domestic _terrorist, so that means that he still has all his legal rights as a US Citizen. There’s no defined protocol when it comes to domestic acts of terror, so under the law, they _have_ to federally charge him with another crime or release him after 36 hours of being officially detained.” 

“But Connie,” Steven couldn’t help but ask, “You can’t seriously be okay with all this. We’re breaking the law here. Are you sure you want to be a part of this?” After all, _his_ idea of right and wrong was pretty screwed up right now, but things like honor and integrity had always been really important to Connie. 

“Well, normally you’d be right; I wouldn’t be okay with this,” The girl agreed, “But to quote Algernon Sidney, ‘that which is not just, is not Law; and that which is not Law, ought not to be obeyed.’ Fighting injustice is what the Crystal Gems are all about, Steven.” Flashing him a shy smile, his best friend added, “Besides, they’re your family, so of course I want to help you get them back!’” 

The half-gem’s heart did a cartwheel in his chest as she said that, making him nauseous in a strangely good way.

Connie sure was amazing.

“Okay, so that’s all well and good, but the feds aren’t just going to let Ruby and Mr. Universe walk out of there once the clock runs out.” Lars countered, trying to play devil’s advocate, “Their whole arrest sounds more like a kidnapping anyways, so I seriously doubt that these guys are doing any of this by the books.” 

“Hmm. Maybe that will work in your favor then. Instead of finding a way to break in, all you will need to do instead is find someone who has the proper security clearance to get you into the main detention facility.” An accented voice said from beside the pink-haired youth, “That way, you can just walk in and out through the front doors.” 

“Yeah, right, and where are we going to find someone like that?” Lars huffed, “That’s about as likely as all of us riding in on unicorns.” 

“Well, I don’t know about unicorns, but I’m not exactly chopped fish bait here.” 

Turning to face the voice, the group of gems was a little surprised to see Mayor Nanefua had joined in on their little huddle.

“Mayor, you can’t be serious!” Pearl protested, “After everything that happened this morning, If the governor wasn’t out for your job before, then he’ll surely come after you _now_ if you try to help us anymore.” 

“Why I’m surprised at you, Pearl.” The little mayor huffed, “You fight despots and monsters for thousands of years, but a few human bullies are all it takes to make you shake in your gem core? That’s not like the Crystal Gems I know.” 

“Besides, Bismuth said it best,” Jenny agreed as she and the rest of the ‘Cool Kids’ came up behind the group to join them. “Nobody’s roping us into anything here; we _want_ to help. Y’all are one of us now, and that means you gems are stuck with us, whether you like it or not.” 

“That’s right! Besides, the government shouldn’t have any right to police who our friends are.” Sour Cream chimed in, “‘Don’t tread on me, man!’” 

“I don’t think that means what you think it means.” Buck replied to his friend before he turned to Steven and gave him his signature’ too cool to actually move his shoulders’ shrug, “But you get the idea.” 

“Guys…” Steven murmured, trying not to get teary-eyed at the display of love and community that was surrounding them. A small part of him had always been secretly afraid that someday the humans in Beach City would grow sick of them. That all it would take was one crazed gem too many, along with the damage the battles with Homeworld often brought, and the bad would finally tip the scale against the Crystal Gems. But he had been wrong to worry, and even more importantly than that; this was proof that the governor and Colonel Bryndza were wrong about them too. Even when they had nothing to gain and everything to lose, the people of Beach City were still trying to help. These people were their friends, and this was where they belonged. The gems would never have to second-guess their place within this community ever again.

“Dang it, you dips.” Amethyst sniffled before she blew her nose on her arm since she and the rest of the Crystal Gems were all currently trying not to cry. “Can’t you see we’re trying to be all self-sacrificing here? You could really get in trouble if you keep sticking up for us.” 

“No, maybe they can help. You were right; we’re all in this together.” Steven finally seemed to comprehend. His head was starting to hurt again, but it was somehow different from before. This time the pain was helping him focus, and something just clicked. For the first time since he had woken up, the fog felt clearer now, and a little part of himself seemed to be slipping back into place. “We’re not alone in this…” Realization seemed to hit him like a freight train as it all started to make sense again, “_I’m_ not alone in this either. I’ve never been alone, have I? I’ve always had you guys. That’s right—no matter what, you’ve always been right there with me. So, I don’t have to be strong enough to do this all by myself—I don’t have to carry the burden all on my own because I have you.” The boy’s eyes almost started to look human again as the chaos in his mind reseeded slightly, “I-I’m so sorry, everyone. I think I forgot that for a while, but you’re right. If we all work together, we can do this.” Getting to his feet, the young man before them was practically a dead ringer for the old Steven Universe as he grinned, “And I think I have an idea how.” 

_To be continued…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple of quick notes about Diamond!Steven:
> 
> I've been trying to build up in each chapter the gradual deterioration of Steven's mind without turning him into a completely different person. This is still Steven Universe in a lot of ways, just a Steven with the brakes cut.
> 
> Using science, I wanted to explain how neurology is key in the callous and impulsive antisocial behavior exhibited by some psychopaths. Some pretty prominent medical studies have shown that most sociopaths have in common reduced connections between the ventromedial prefrontal cortex (vmPFC), the part of the brain responsible for sentiments such as empathy and guilt, and the amygdala, which mediates fear and anxiety. Basically, damage or reduced brain functions to this one little area of our brain can cause things like poor decision-making, low fear responses, lack of empathy, and an overall inability to learn from bad experiences. So if you're wondering why some of Steven's emotions are working fine and others aren't, well, that's the reason for it right there.
> 
> A sociopath is actually a person with an antisocial personality disorder. An antisocial personality disorder is defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders as a cluster B personality disorder (those that are dramatic or emotional). These people aren't necessarily monsters. In fact, most sociopaths can love deeply and form close bonds just like everyone else. 
> 
> As a few people have commented, the Diamonds themselves have many of these sociopathic tendencies, which is definitely part of why I'm writing Diamond!Steven the way that I am. This concept will be explored more in a bigger capacity once we get to Homeworld, which should be in the next update.
> 
> Anyhoo, I hope that professor science moment helped clarify some things, and as always, thanks for reading.


	19. For a bright future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In today's episode: we check in with Homeworld, the Diamonds, Spinel, and how Era 3 is shaping up so far.

_—Homeworld—_

A lot sure had changed in 6000 years. And while Spinel hadn’t been around for Era 2, Era 3 was sure setting up to be berries!

Returning to Homeworld, Pink's former playmate now found that shattering had been outlawed all across the galaxy, fusions and off-colors were allowed to walk the streets in broad daylight, all weapons and injectors had been decommissioned, and the colonies had all been liberated and were under the rule of their original planets. While the Great Diamond Authority was still technically in charge of things, they were no longer considered supreme rulers and were now on equal footing with the rest of Gemkind. For the first time, gems could decide for themselves what their primary function was going to be, and they could explore passions outside of just what they had been built for.

It was a strange and exciting new world, alright.

Living with the Diamonds was a whole other sockdollager, too.

_Right before she had left Earth, Steven had taken Spinel aside and asked her to be kind to the Diamonds. _

_With a sad little smile that only those who had truly lived through the experience could say, the boy had told her, “Promise me that you’ll try to love them for who they are, and not just who they remind you of. And make sure that they do the same with you. A friendship that’s built simply on being someone else’s replacement isn’t real, Spinel. And all four of you deserve better than that.” _

_Squeezing her hand, the half-gem had professed this with all his heart, “I think that this will be really good for all of you. But remember, you **deserve** to be loved for who you are. So make sure you don’t settle for anything less, okay?”_

Steven Universe wasn’t like any Diamond she’d ever met, that was for darn sure.

Although at the time he had said it, Spinel hadn’t really known what he meant by those words.

After all, the reason Spinel had been so angry and miserable when she had lashed out at Pink's son in the first place hadn’t been over the way Pink had treated her but over the grief and pain that she simply hadn’t been good enough to be worth staying for.

Her whole purpose in life up till the moment she stole an injector and went on a revenge-fueled kicker against Beach City had been to be a friend. It was her primary function, the reason she had been formed in the first place. So Steven's belief that she somehow _deserved_ something better than what she had gotten over the last 6,000 years was just plain strange and unfamiliar to her.

But once he had put that thought in her head, Spinel found she couldn’t get it to leave. 

The notion that friendship was a two-way street and that you had to give just as much as you got was something she’d never experienced before. She had loved Pink, oh stars how she loved Pink, but friendship with her had always been a game where the unspoken rule was that Spinel had to give all her attention and energy to her Diamond without getting much of anything back. That’s just what being a good friend _was_, or so she thought anyway. Steven's novel idea that friends were actually supposed to take care of you too was… well, it was swell, that's what it was!

Maybe everyone deserved to be loved for who they were. 

It made things a lot harder in some ways, too, though, because it meant that Spinel couldn’t go back to being the gem she had been in the past. She had lost too much and changed too profoundly ever to be that person again.

Becoming someone brand new was scary, and real change was hard, but still, this second chance at the friendships that she had been given made Spinel really want to try.

The Diamonds had treated her wonderfully since the moment they had first brought her home. As promised, they gave her a room in the palace just like they said they would and always made time for her, at least whenever their busy schedules would allow them to.

So Spinel made sure to do right by them, just like Steven had asked. She owed the fella that much, at least after all the trouble she had caused.

And even though the other Diamonds reminded her constantly of Pink, they weren’t Pink. The funniest thing about that was that the more time she actually spent with them, the more Spinel found herself _glad_ that they weren’t her. All three Diamonds were easy to love all on their own.

Blue was delicate and sensitive in a way that Pink had never been. While pranks and puckish glee came easily to Pink, Blue was someone you had to be softer with, sappy even. This was because Blue Diamond felt everything so profoundly, and she was the one out of all the other Diamonds that still seemed to have one foot stuck in the past. More often than not, Spinel and Blue would just sit around and talk in the last three days. Mostly the main topic of their conversations revolved around reminiscing about Pink and regaling one another with stories from the past. It was cathartic to be able to talk about her long lost friend with someone who had loved her just as much as Spinel had. All of the crummy thoughts and feelings Spinel was afraid she would have over hearing about Pink's life without her just wasn't there, save for one. But that was a wound that was going to take a long time to heal. So, for the time being, Spinel was just content to have a friend who could share her grief and who she could confide in.

Yellow, on the other hand, really was the opposite of Blue in every way that counted. She was a real hard-boiled dolly, hiding that fragile heart of hers behind her imposing Diamond exterior. Yellow was a gem of action, not of emotion, so whenever she and Spinel were together, the little harlequin would regale the former commander of Homeworld’s armies with jokes and physical gags that would leave the Diamond in stitches. Spinel ate up the attention, too, as theirs was a relationship that was turning out to be a real gas! Without all the heavy emotion and sadness from the past clinging to them, Spinel and Yellow were often just able to have fun with each other and enjoy each other's company.

And White… well, White was still a work in progress.

While the Homeworld monarch was always kind to Spinel, White only ever played games or talked with Spinel when Blue and Yellow were also present. It was apparent the gem matriarch cared for her, but it became clear from the get-go that she didn’t really take Spinel seriously. 

It didn’t help matters that White also had seemed distracted as of late. Yellow and Blue had confided in Spinel at different times that they were both worried that with Steven permanently back home on Earth, that White might eventually retreat back into her own head again.

Which was the reason why Spinel was on the job; if White was bad enough off to worry Blue and Yellow to the extent that she had, then what she needed more than anything was a friend!

Chest puffed out; limbs sprung into action the entertainment gem was all set to shove open the throne room doors and finally take the stand that would make White her friend once and for all!

Any minute now.

She’d get up the courage to do it _any_ minute now.

Friendship was what Spinel was all about here, but White Diamond was still well _White Diamond_. It wasn't like she could just walk up to the head honcho of all of Homeworld and ask her if she wanted to play a game of Parcheesi. 

It took two more tries for the pink gem to build up the guts actually to open the door, but on the fourth attempt, Spinel finally managed to squeeze in through the tiny opening she had made before she could come to her senses and change her mind.

As expected, White Diamond was in the throne room alone, although instead of finding her lost in her thoughts like Spinel was hoping the diamond was crouched in the corner by the eastern pillars whispering intently to someone... or _something_.

At first, it was hard to make out what was going on, as the light from the diamond-shaped lattices on the windows were casting patterns on the floor and distorting the shadows. Still, eventually, several small plug robonoids finally came into view.

The robonoids made little chirrup noises as their ruler spoke to them, several flashing numbers and intricate patterns onto their data screens for White to go over.

“All of the photonic crystals in Beach City have been activated then? Good, good. It seems that things are coming along rather splendidly then.” The dazzling jewel purred, the silky cadence of her voice echoing off the empty hall like soft rays of light. “At this rate, my little Starlight might even reach parametric levels by tomorrow evening.”

There was nothing particularly irregular about what was taking place. The Diamonds oversaw thousands of tasks on Homeworld, so a few robonoids in the throne room should have been nothing out of the ordinary. But there was something sinister about this, something that just felt wrong, and Spinel was immediately overcome with a dark sense of foreboding that she needed to leave.

She needed to leave now. 

Hiding behind one of the metal columns before she could be spotted, the stretchy gem pressed her body against the cold bars with everything she had and waited for the opportunity to slip back through the open door once the coast was clear.

“What are you doing back there, little treasure?” White asked in a sing-song voice before Spinel ever had a chance. The eyes of Homeworld’s oldest gem instantly lit up the darkened throne room as her gaze fell right on the little pink gem with the force of a spotlight, “And why are you sneaking around and hiding?”

“I-I wanted to play hide and seek with you, White!” Spinel lied quickly, trying to hide her terror as she flopped into a lazy cartwheel and tumbled into view for the Diamond to see. Maybe if she played up acting like the dummy that White seemed to think she was, then no harm would come out of what she just had seen. It wasn't like she hadn't snookered someone before. Channeling every ounce of her former innocent self, Spinel gushed, “But gosh, you sure are good. You found me right away!” Looking around, the little gem twisted her arms up and scratched her chin, making sure to exaggerate her features, so she was giving off a look of pure consternation, “Whatcha doing here in the dark all by yourself anyway?”

It was eerie how someone as massive as White Diamond could move so quickly and silently. Like a glittering star, she glided across the marble floor, noiseless and achingly beautiful as she came to a stop beside Spinel. Kneeling, White Diamond opened her massive hand for the gem to climb onto, the black manicured tips of each finger curved inward like swords as she wordlessly ordered her to comply.

Swallowing the huge lump caught in her throat, what else could Spinel do but obey? Stepping onto the Diamond’s giant palm, the little gem hoped that her matriarch couldn’t feel the vibrations coursing through her body as she started to quake in fear.

“Oh. Why I was just thinking, Treasure.” The ethereal woman replied after a moment, setting Spinel down on her shoulder before she rose back to her feet. “About the past and the future. But mostly, I suppose I was thinking of pink.”

“My... Pink?” Spinel probed after a few seconds of deafening silence.

“Yes, in a way,” White said cryptically. Coming to a stop beside Pink’s throne, the ageless Diamond stroked its seat as though it were a lost love, “Oh my dear Pink, I made so many mistakes when it came to her. So much wasted potential.” Looking at Spinel, White seemed honestly broken-hearted as she whispered, “I loved her, Treasure, I really did love her quite terribly. I just never could forgive her for being what she was.”

“W-what, do you mean?” The little jester murmured.

“While it might be hard for some of you well _lower_ formed gems to comprehend, light is everything to us, Diamonds.” The gossamer being sighed, “So you have to understand that it just wasn’t right that she came out the way she did. Out of all the colors, a Diamond _should_ be; she had to be the one that wasn’t even on the visible spectrum; she had to be pink. When she emerged and wasn’t a pure spectral color like the rest of us, Pink went against every natural law we gems had." A smile tugging on those perfectly painted black lips White couldn't help but be fondly exasperated, "That was Pink though, wasn't it? She broke every rule right from the very beginning. And even though I loved her more than words can say, I don't think I ever truly got past just how wrong she was."

"So I hid her away in the palace, I kept her as far away from the world as I could, giving her no responsibility whatsoever other than over her parties and her organic little playthings. I thought that if I could just keep her happy, that would be enough. But by making it so that Pink could never fail, I also made it so that she could never succeed either. Now that she's gone, I can't help but wonder, did I do all of that because I wanted to protect her or because I wanted to protect me?” Tears welling in those luminous eyes, the monarch of all Gemkind let out a small shudder, “Poor Pink. In the end, she never really had a chance.”

“White…” Spinel sniffled, genuinely touched by the vulnerability the Diamond was showing her right now. Wrapping her arms around that alabaster neck, the little gem hugged her with all her might.

“That's the trouble with regrets, eh Treasure? They remind us of what we _could_ have done, usually, by the time it's far too late to do anything.” The celestial gem said sadly as she wiped away the moisture clinging to her long eyelashes, “But I won’t make that mistake again. My dear Steven, though, now he’s different. He’s the future. For so many eons, I thought Gemkind could only flourish if we all stayed true to our functions. If we all lived perfectly, without any flaws whatsoever, then and only then could we be happy. But now I realize how wrong I was. Flaws are how we reach our potential; they’re how we grow.” Her own pink discoloration shining through, White watched the rose-colored light sparkle through the throne room, “A perfect diamond might be beautiful, but now I see that only an imperfect one can unlock the secrets in the stars. My darling Starlight has no idea just how special he really is, oh, but _I _do. And I’m sure that he’ll come around in time.” While Spinel's attention was turned elsewhere, a pale, ivory hand reached out for her one more time, “All he needs is a change of mind.”

Eyes burning with something murderous it was a strange contrast against the controlled, detached smile on White's face, “So you understand why I can’t just let you leave now, don't you Treasure? I'm afraid you've seen too much. And I can't have you telling anyone and spoiling the big surprise. Oh, but don't fret, in times like this, we all must do what we can in order to secure our bright new future... even you dear. Yes, even you.”

_To be continued…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I've discussed in earlier chapters, one of the things that makes Steven Universe so compelling as a series is that none of the characters are straight-up villains, without redeeming qualities or the ability to change for the better. However, I think White Diamond is the perfect example of someone with a borderline or narcissistic personality disorder. Everything must be perfect and flawless in her universe because controlling everything, and everyone is the only way that White Diamond can ever feel safe. It gives her meaning and an inflated sense of self that she knows better than everyone else and is always right. I think that the one-track mindset led to the abusive and destructive relationship we see with Pink. On the one hand, White adored Pink’s spark and independent nature, and at the same time, she resented her for not being exactly what White wanted her to be. That intense feeling of love and hate, viewing someone as perfect and good one minute, then terrible and evil the next, is also a prominent symptom of someone with NPD or BPD. So, many of the hardships Pink had to go through parallels the relationships children of parents with these disorders must deal with sometimes. And people like this are also very hard to change, especially as they have often perfected their cycles of abuse and coping mechanisms. That’s not to say that people with NPD can’t change or get better, but they must be conscientious of their abusive behavior and seek intense therapy to manage these issues. The truth is, it takes a lot more work than merely recognizing one’s flaws and getting out of their head for a little while. And I just don’t think White’s there yet.
> 
> In fact, I’d surmise the other Diamonds are all currently falling victim to being at the high point of the NPD’s cycle of abuse. The scariest part of these cycles is that there are good times too. No one would ever stay with an abuser if it were just bad times; that's why the cycle itself is so dangerous. When an abuser is on a high point, they’re often wonderful. These are the moments where the person with NPD is kind, caring, compassionate, and present in their loved ones' lives. Right now, this is exactly where White Diamond is, so Steven is beloved and can practically do no wrong in her eyes. He’s good, and since he’s good, she wants to reward him (heck, she and the others went so far as to dismantle an empire for him), and White's behavior has managed to lull everyone into a false sense of security. People with NPD often put their loved ones on pedestals during these high points, so it makes perfect sense that White Diamond has suddenly devolved from this terrifying godlike super diva to a doting space grandma who wants to give Steven the moon. But what’s going to happen when the honeymoon period is over, and Steven slips up and winds up disappointing her the way Pink did? What happens when those old habits of hers start retaking root? What happens when the cycle starts all over again? We'll definitely get into that more but for now, let's move onto some other things you need to know for this chapter. 
> 
> White’s psychology aside, I also wanted to take a minute to talk about most diamonds' actual age. Most natural diamonds are seriously old; I’m talking 3.6-0.9 billion years old. Scientists estimate that some of the oldest diamonds formed are from solar systems that no even longer exist. Let's digest that. Some diamonds are currently older than our whole solar system. However, they do not last forever despite what the De Beers slogan would have you believe. All diamonds eventually degrade back to graphite, but that degradation is so slow it's virtually non-existent. In other words, if you are only going to wear a diamond on your finger and keep it away from high ion sources, then a diamond can last millions to billions of years. That's a little something to keep in the back of your mind when you consider how old White as the first gem might actually be.
> 
> And the last thing I wanted to mention. Since Spinel looks and acts like she dropped straight out of a 1930's cartoon before the invention of the "talkies," I wanted to throw in some slang from the era. Here’s a guide just in case you aren’t familiar with the lingo:  
1\. Sockdollager: an event or action of great importance  
2\. Berries: expression like “bee’s knees” denotes that something is good, desirable, or pleasing. “That sounds like berries to me!”  
3\. Snookered: to trick someone  
4\. Hard-boiled: tough guy  
5\. Dolly: A girl or woman


	20. Tyger Tyger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, boi. So the Steven Universe Future premiere, anyone? 
> 
> I actually had this chapter halfway written out and ready to go off in a completely different direction than what wound up happening here, so you can blame this little detour and mild breakdown of Steven’s on our resident Big Buff Cheeto Puff.
> 
> And with the new series starting at this point, I think it's safe to say that this fic is now in Canon Divergent territory, although I'll still definitely try to keep things in the confines of the actual series as much as possible.

Jasper had been like a ghost for over two years now, haunting Beach City Woods just outside of Little Homeworld for months on end, only to disappear just as quickly, vanishing to some far off distant shore as if she had never existed in the first place. Then the cycle would repeat itself over and over again.

So when rumors began circulating that several of the reformed gems had spotted her making camp in the sandstone alcove, Steven had been relieved to hear that she was okay and back in Beach City. Despite his attempts to bring her into the fold, he had only ever been met with contempt and dismissal. But even if Jasper hated him, that didn’t mean Steven still didn’t worry about her. Jasper wasn’t like the other gems on Homeworld, or here on Earth at all. She was a holdover from another time, a soldier without a war who was longing for a home that didn’t exist anymore, and no matter how hard he tried, Steven had never been able to reach her. There was something wild and untamed about her that would forever remind the half-gem of the William Blake poem that Connie had to read to him once:

Tyger Tyger, burning bright, 

In the forests of the night; 

What immortal hand or eye, 

Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

* * *

_—Beach City Woods—_

_Two hours earlier…_

The last thing the panicked and disorganized men who made up Colonel Bryndza’s troops had been expecting to find as they made their escape through the woods around Beach City was the monster standing before them. Towering over them at nearly seven feet tall, the creature had two horns protruding out of its forehead and a bloodthirsty grin that was unlike anything they had ever encountered in the past. While this thing was similar to the reports of other alien phenotypes the governor had characterized as ‘Quartzes,’ this beast was nothing like the docile beings that they had observed around Little Homeworld.

“You organics can’t possibly be from Beach City. No one there has been dumb enough to set foot here in months.” The alien said leisurely from her spot atop the cliffside overlooking the trail out of the forest. Even though her tone was light, she was in a crouched position; every muscle on the Quartz’s body posed like a leopard right before it pounced, “So that means that you’re either stupider than most Earthlings, or you’re just really unlucky.” Mouth sliding into a vicious grin, the gem remarked, “Either way, I’d say today just isn’t your day.” 

* * *

_—Little Homeworld—_

_The present…_

“So, there’s still one big flaw in this plan of yours, Steven.” Lars stated plainly as he pointed to himself and then back at his friend, “How exactly do you expect you and me to just walk in through the front doors? Let’s not forget that I’m pink, and your eyes look like they’re battery powered. We don’t exactly pass for run of the mill humans anymore.” 

“Well, I can’t really help with the pink part but here,” Buck offered, digging in his backpack before pulling out his beat-up Wilmington Blue Rocks baseball cap and placing it on Steven’s curly head. Then in the act of true altruism, the relaxed teenager took off his signature glasses and stuck them on the half-gem’s face. “Tada.” The former mayor’s son announced now that his own brown eyes were exposed to the world, “Steven Universe, master of disguise.” 

“What do you think?” Steven asked his best friend before flashing her a chewing gum smile, “I know I’ll never be as cool as Buck here, but is it me?” 

“I think you’re a dork.” Connie snorted as she playfully smacked Steven’s chin, “But Garnet would definitely approve of the glasses.” 

Jenny, however, was not quite as impressed. Shaking her head, she gave the boys a long-suffering look, “Steven, your headshot is everywhere, and you’re not just famous right now, you’re internet famous! Y’all can’t seriously believe that a pair of sunglasses is all it will take to hide you from the police?” 

“And a hat.” All four young men said at precisely the same time, glancing at each other in a moment of confusion and then back at Jenny.

The Pizza twin couldn’t help but compare them to a pack of really dumb puppies right now.

“I swear if you think that just because that works for Superman that it’ll work for—” She began.

“But why would comic books lie to us, Jenny?” Sour Cream asked innocently as if she was tearing apart the fabric of everything he had ever known to be true up till now, “What would they have to gain?” 

Thankfully, Jenny Pizza was not put in a position where she had to destroy anyone’s world view today, as a pink portal suddenly opened, and Lion emerged in the open garden space. “Oh, hey, look, it's Lion!” The girl exclaimed, desperate for any excuse to change the subject as she raced towards the animal.

Surprised but entirely not against this newfound attention, the large cat let out a chuff and allowed himself to pet by the girl for a few minutes before he walked over to where his master was standing and butted his head against Steven’s hand.

“Hey, buddy, nice timing.” The half-gem laughed, familiar enough with his pet’s personality by now to know when he was being bullied into giving Lion attention. Scratching the lion underneath his scruffy chin, the teen commented, “I was wondering where you ran off to.” 

“Oh, sorry, Steven.” Connie interjected, placing a hand on the animal’s shoulders, “Lion’s been with me for most of the time that I was out of town.” Smiling up at him, she added, “After everything that happened with Spinel, I think he really needed a break from Beach City. I hope you don’t mind.” 

“Why would I mind?” Steven asked, looking perplexed. Reaching over, he affectionately covered her hand with his own, “You’re my favorite person in the world, so why wouldn’t you be his favorite person too?” 

The honest, straightforward way he just _said_ that, like everyone should think she was as special as he did, was doing some very terrible things to his best friend’s heart.

This new Steven, without any kind of filter whatsoever, needed to stop or else Connie was seriously going to lose the fight against her better judgment one of these days and wind up kissing that boy stupid.

But as flattering as it was to know that deep down, that’s still how he felt, more than anything, she just wanted to hear this from the _real_ Steven Universe. 

Because love without risk wasn’t real love. If Steven only said these things because he didn’t have anything to lose, because he didn’t have a conscience, then no matter how sweet the new Steven _sounded,_ he still wasn’t half as genuine as the old Steven.

Lars and the Cool Kids, however, _did not_ have the same feelings towards this new filterless Steven that Connie did, because all four of them were grinning at the two younger teens like cats who had caught the proverbial canary.

“Oh, gosh. Did I say something wrong?” Steven exclaimed apologetically once he realized he was doing it again. He really thought he was doing better than before, he had finally been able to focus, and the fog wasn’t as bad as it had been earlier, but maybe he was still missing important cues here.

“Of course not,” Connie said with a brave if slightly terse smile, lacing her fingers through his, “You’re my favorite person too.” 

Steven wanted to tell her she didn’t have to lie for him. He understood if she wanted the other him back just as much as the others did. But before another thought could enter his head, he started feeling really dizzy all of a sudden.

"Steven?" Connie asked, concerned by the far off look that was washing over her best friend’s face, “Are you okay?” 

But he wasn't listening.

Steven’s head was spinning like crazy now. He tried in vain to fight off the incoming surge of vertigo that was making his vision dance. 

She was saying something to him, but he couldn’t hear her. Connie’s whole body was glowing as if someone had placed a pink strobe light directly behind her, washing out everything but her outline. The girl tried calling out to him louder a second time, but the pounding of his heartbeat drowned out her words. Taking in a small rush of air, he tried in vain to ignore the terrible ache that was spreading through his skull.

“Steven!” Connie cried out, grabbing him by the shoulder and shaking him fiercely.

“I’m okay,” He wheezed, bringing a clammy hand up to his pounding temple. “I’m okay, Connie. I just got a little dizzy there for a second.” 

“Steven, you’re so far from being okay it’s not even funny.” His best friend replied, eyes flashing with worry. Reaching up, she tried to brush some of the sweat off his forehead, “Maybe we should let the others go to the police station instead. That way, we can get you back to Homeworld and let the Diamonds take care of you.” 

“No! No, I’m not going anywhere until Ruby and Dad are safe.” The other teen said stubbornly, his bad mood instantly worsening by how awful he was feeling. “Look, I’m fine, okay?” Pulling up his shirt, he showed her his still dormant gem, “See? Nothing’s happening. So you don’t have to worry about me.” 

“What are you talking about? Of course, I’m still worried about you!” Connie snapped back, “What if you’re about to have another attack again? If any of what Lars said back there was true, then you _barely_ managed to survive the last one!” 

“I said I’m fine, so _back off_.” The half-gem said plainly, although his voice was laced with anger, “I know this might come as a shock to you, Connie, but you don’t actually know everything.” The venom in his voice scared her a little, and Connie stepped away from her friend almost instinctively. This person wasn’t acting at all like her kind-hearted Steven. Despite all the pain he was in; he was emitting an aura that seemed downright dangerous right now.

Recoiling, the boy curled back in on himself a little, that cloud of dark energy leaving him as quickly as it had appeared. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.” He said, miserably clutching his head even tighter, “I don’t know why I just said that. I didn’t mean it; I swear I didn’t.” 

“Steven, I—” Connie began before she was cut off by a much louder, much angrier voice.

“Hey, Crystal Jerks!” The voice boomed, instantly pulling the pair out of whatever else they wanted to say to each other. “You’ve got a lot of nerve throwing this discarded organic trash of yours all over my property!” 

Trying to see the newcomer over his double vision and the pain radiating through his skull Steven really was starting to think he had gone crazy when Jasper, of all people, waltzed in through the main gate of Little Homeworld like she owned the place.

Dropping a wriggling bundle at their feet, Jasper had bound and gagged the struggling form of Colonel Bryndza with burlap, plastic tarp, and a bungee cord, the last of which was stuffed rather snuggly between his mouth.

“It wouldn’t stop barking, so I had to plug it’s face holes.” The Quartz warrior explained to Pearl and the other Crystal Gems.

Sucking in a deep breath, Steven tried to pull himself together. He was still the leader of the Crystal Gems, after all, and these weren’t exactly their average visitors. So that meant he could curl up in a ball and die later; right now, he still needed to power through this.

Walking over to where a group of gems and humans had gathered, the boy steadied himself and took a deep breath before slipping into his usual role. “Hello again, Colonel.” He said kindly to the man, all fake smiles and sweetness, which was a pretty thin mask hiding his obvious disdain for the soldier, “I see you’ve met some more of the Beach City locals.” 

“You know, I actually have to hand it to you.” Jasper admitted in a way that almost sounded venerated before she turned to face the young Diamond, “When I first got this sniveling worm here to spill the details about what he and his puny army were doing in Beach City, I almost didn’t believe him. Who would have thought that a soft, sad weakling like Steven Universe would be able to destroy an entire battalion all on his own?” 

Staring down hard at him, the battle-scarred gem smirked, “Maybe I was wrong about you; maybe there is a diamond in there somewhere after all.” 

Mood soaring now that it finally looked like there was a common enemy to rage against, and someone that gems could finally fight, Jasper was full of mirth as she asked, “So what’s our next move? I found and destroyed all of the gem destabilizers these organics had. Are we going to strike their capital before they can gather reinforcements?” 

If Steven could feel remorse or shame right now, the fact that her words so closely paralleled his own might have bothered him. As it stood, though, he was just trying to keep himself together.

“No, Jasper." He told her, trying to keep his voice steady. "There isn’t going to be a fight.” 

“Huh?" The warrior faltered, not sure she had heard him right. "What are you talking about?” 

Steeling himself, Steven raised his chin a little and tried to stand taller as he repeated, “I said there isn’t going to be a fight, Jasper.” 

“What do you mean there isn’t going to be a fight?” The muscular gem spat, “These organics threatened your precious Little Homeworld, and you’re going to sit back and do nothing? I even captured their Agate and brought it back here so you wimpy Crystal Gems could have the strategic advantage. What kind of leader doesn’t give their army the upper hand?!” 

“I’m not trying to get the upper hand on anyone!” Steven exclaimed, trying to convince her just as much as he was trying to convince himself right now, “That’s not how we do things anymore, Jasper. We’re not going to fight them. Besides, I can’t make anyone here fight a war for me. That’s not how Era 3 works. None of the gems here belong to anyone but themselves now, so they’ll never have to worry about fighting someone else’s battles ever again.” 

Tensing immediately afterward, the half-gem prepared himself for the anger and the fury that would usually follow whenever he had had an encounter with Jasper in the past.

Only this time, none of that happened.

For a few seconds, the formidable warrior stared at him with a mix of disbelief and something much darker, something almost murderous.

That was until she threw her head back and started to laugh at him.

“W-what’s so funny?” The boy stammered, his eyes narrowing in suspicion as she all but barreled over.

“You are you pathetic little fool." Jasper mused, wiping her eyes. "You’re hilarious! The Diamonds conquered worlds and reshaped the cosmos for thousands of years, and now they’ve been reduced to what, to _you_?! You let this world and every horrible thing in it walk all over you. That’s why I can’t stand you, Steven Universe; you’re just so miserably _weak_.” 

Taking a few steps into the young Diamond’s space, the Quartz repeated his words back to him, “‘The gems here don’t belong to anyone but themselves.’ What a joke! All this talk about freedom, about how gems can now reshape themselves outside of their original purpose, it’s a lie that you’ve managed to convince everyone is the truth, even the other Diamonds. But we both know better, don’t we? No one here is free, not when _ you’re _ the one in the smallest cage of all.” 

Growling a little, Steven was surprised at just how much her words had managed to get under his skin. Clutching his chest, he was a bit unsure of how to deal with the rush of emotions. His heart was speeding up, his insides churned, and he felt acidic.

It was the first time some of the emotions that he had been so numb to earlier were actually coming back through again.

A part of him should have happy that the fog and numbness were finally receding away, but he was just so angry right now.

Blind fury was beginning to eat away at what little self-control he still had left, and it curled and snapped in Steven’s belly, making him feel reckless and ferocious.

“Aw, what’s wrong? Does the mighty Savior of the Galaxy have nothing to say to that?” Jasper mocked, “You’ve tried so hard to give _me_ a purpose for years now, but how can you do that when you’re the one who’s never had a purpose in the first place?” Moving further into his personal space, she continued to bear down on him, “You act like you’re so superior to me, but we’re exactly the same; we’re both just good little soldiers fighting someone else’s war! The only difference between us is, _I’ve_ always known that I was created to live and die for someone else’s cause. And I was fine with that! To fight as a warrior in the service of my Diamond was an honor. But you, you’re so deluded that you actually believe the stuff the Crystal Gems taught you was something you had a choice in. Was any of this something _you_ wanted, or were you stuck from the start? Is being Rose Quartz’s stand-in the only thing you know how to do?” 

“I’m not.” Steven stammered suddenly, looked incredibly young, as he hugged his arms together in a desperate attempt to keep his rage from boiling over. “I don’t—I‘m _not_ just her stand-in... I’m not.” He flinched, hating how jumbled his memories were right now. But everything he had ever believed in felt like it had been scooped out of him, and now there was nothing left. 

“JASPER!” Lapis snarled, coming between the massive warrior and her friend before another terrible word could be said. Wings spread out like an eagle ready to strike the terraformer was radiating with fury, “Get away from him, _NOW_!” 

The two gems glared at each other for a few minutes before Jasper conceded the fight and backed off. 

Winged eyelashes half-lidded and lips curled up in a sneer; she glanced down at the teenager beside Lapis, who was struggling to even stay on his feet at this point. There was so much disgust in her words as she huffed, “Yeah, that’s what I thought. After all this time, you still can’t do anything for yourself, can you, Steven Universe? How on Earth could a gem like _you_ ever save a gem like _me_? You can’t even save yourself.” 

With that, the gem stormed off without another word, leaving the tied up human in the same clumsy pile she had thrown him in at the start.

Sinking to his knees once Jasper had left, Steven fought just to breathe. Little snippets of reasonable thought bubbled up, trembled, and then disappeared back into his mind as quickly as they had come.

“STEVEN!” Pearl cried out, rushing over to the boy and dropping to the ground beside him. He was shaking like a leaf beside her, but it wasn’t until she got close to him that she realized it was from rage rather than from trauma.

The half-gem was clutching his arms together to the point he had drawn blood. Large puddles of sticky red were pooling directly underneath where his fingernails were gripping onto his forearms; the gashes from his nails were peeling away small rivets of flesh. Steven’s eyes were wild, those diamond-shaped pupils small and feral, making the teen looked half-mad.

Which by all accounts he probably _was_ at this point. But it was then and only then that she realized _exactly_ what he had been doing in the first place.

Steven hadn’t acted like that because Jasper’s words had broken him; instead, the adolescent had been using every ounce of willpower he still had left to hold himself back from hurting her.

Even on the verge of losing his mind and falling further under the control of his diamond, he had still been trying to protect Jasper. 

Because that’s who Steven Universe was, he was a protector. Even towards the people who didn’t always deserve it.

“Oh, Steven,” Pearl choked, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him close. “It’s okay now.” She whispered before she started trying to get him to release the vice-like grip he had on his forearms, “So please stop. Please stop hurting yourself.” 

How could _anyone_ ever call him weak?

“You’re so much stronger than someone like Jasper could ever understand.” Pearl told him as she gently lifted his fingers one by one until she had managed to get both of his hands loose.

Pressing his eyes closed, Steven was still way too keyed up to trust himself to speak, but he let out a little shudder at those words. The best he could do right now was just force himself to breathe. Words felt stuck in his throat right now, as he tried and failed to think of anything he could say to her. 

“The Crystal Gems d-don’t shatter people.” Was all Steven was finally able to get out after two unsuccessful attempts at using full sentences, “See, Pearl? I didn’t f-forget this time.” 

The murmur of static that had taken up right behind his eyes started to cut away, leaving him tense and raw but eventually at a place where he was in enough control over himself that could at least trust himself enough not to hurt her. 

Slumping against her, his dark, soft curls pressed against Pearl’s shoulder as clumsy blood-soaked hands reached out to wrap around her waist. Once they found her, they held on desperately, “I _wanted_ to hurt her, Pearl. I wanted to shatter her more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life.” The boy confessed, his voice distant and manic, like he was lost someplace he had never been before, “I’m all wrong... and it’s so hard fighting against the noise. Everything in my brain’s all twisted up. Pink won’t stop shouting; it’s so loud…_so_ loud, the buzzing just keeps taking more and more things away.” 

“I wish Garnet were here,” He said pitifully, too delirious to even care how childish he sounded.

So did Pearl if she was honest with herself. Garnet had always been the one who chased away the thunderclouds and checked under the bed for monsters. But since she wasn’t here despite either of their wishings, all Pearl could do in Garnet’s place was hold him and hope that alone would be enough to keep Steven from breaking.

_To be continued…_


	21. One step forward, two steps back

_—Little Homeworld—_

_Moments after Jasper’s departure…_

Concerned over Steven’s breakdown, most of the gems and humans were currently too distracted to see the wriggling bundle of tarp that was trying to scurry away.

But then again, Sapphire had always had an eye for these kinds of situations.

“I would advise you to stay there, Colonel, and behave yourself,” She ordered as ice crystals began forming around the man who had been trying to make his escape during all the chaos. The jagged pillars of ice grew as large as stalactites, the tell-tale sign of just how angry Sapphire was underneath her glacial expression. The gem’s voice was slow, concise, making sure that the human understood every syllable of her threat would be carried out into cold hard reality if he disobeyed, “Or else I foresee lots of unpleasantness in your near future.” 

Blue-eye narrowing under heavy lashes, the seer had a glare that could practically freeze a Diamond in place as she stated, “And after what you and your men tried to pull here today, trust me when I tell you that you don’t want to do anything else that will tempt fate.” 

“Ahaha…” Bismuth sputtered out nervously since she had never seen the usually demure Sapphire so hot under the collar, “You know I feel like I should be telling you that your Ruby’s showing right now, but that wouldn’t really be right under the circumstances, would it?” 

“You haven’t even begun to see my Ruby.” Sapphire asserted, glancing back to where Pearl was still holding their little boy with everything she had, “But for now, this is all I can do for him, Bismuth. I’m not the gem that Steven needs right now.” 

Sapphire had heard his childish plea for Garnet, and the part of her where the fusion still managed to exist ached down to her gem core. It had been years since she had felt this miserable and inadequate.

"You know, just because he asked for Garnet, that doesn’t mean that he loves you any less.” Was all the blacksmith could say in response to that. “Or that he _needs_ you any less right now.”

“I know that.” The other gem responded, “Of course I know that. But it’s just so hard to believe that 24 hours ago, all Garnet and the others were afraid of was that the world would find some way to take him away from us. I thought nothing could ever be worse than not being able to protect him when he was off somewhere far away. But knowing that he’s right here, right in front of us, and we _still_ can’t do anything to help him is so much worse than anything I could have predicted.” 

“Well, I may not be much help when it comes to telling the future, but we still have to think about what we should do with this.” Bismuth commented as she hefted the angry military man up by his burlap. “Jasper wasn’t completely off base when she said he might be useful to us.” 

“Oh, I’m sure that with all the infinite possible futures out there, we’ll be able to think of _lots_ of uses for the Colonel here,” Sapphire answered back with a frosty little smile that made the man’s blood run cold.

* * *

_—Wilmington Police Station—_

“Greg, would you just _do_ it already?!” Ruby shouted from her spot in the air duct above him.

They had managed to shove Buddy’s motionless body in a far corner (where they also discovered that he wasn’t dead and merely unconscious. News that was met with varying levels of relief depending on which of the two you asked). Sliding the interrogation table over to the other side of the room, the pair had found that the only other visible sign of escape outside of taking on every single member of the Wilmington police force was to climb up into the HVAC and make their way out through the ventilation system.

“Someone is going to spot us any second now, so get it together, will you?” The fiery little gem snapped, “The way I see it, we only have two options here, solider. One, you can try to find another way outside by going out those doors and getting yourself busted in 5 minutes or less. Or two, you can get your butt up here and crawl through this dusty, spider-infested maze with me to sweet, sweet freedom.” 

“You are not upselling this at all, Ruby. Just so we’re clear.” Greg scowled, “Besides, these ducts aren’t made for actual people to climb in; this isn’t like how things work in the movies! And I haven’t done a pull up since I was like 25. How am I supposed to even get up there?!” 

“For crying out loud, Greg, _ don’t _ say things like that with a straight face, not when I’m actually starting to respect you.” She groaned, reaching over to help yank him up by the shirt if she had to. “Look, if I can do this with a cracked gem, then you should be able to do it no problem. On three, ready?” 

“Okay. We can do this.” The man agreed, prepping himself as he put both hands upon the vent. Sucking in a deep breath, he tried to channel all the physical strength he could before—

“Three!” Ruby belted out, hauling him up and into the vent before he could change his mind.

“Was that really necessary?” The rock star grumbled as he spat out several dust bunnies and pulled a layer of spider web off his face. “You could have just said, ‘Hey Greg, get over here. I’m going to toss you up like a tuna.’ It would have worked just as well.” 

“Well yeah, sure, but where’s the fun in that?” Ruby chuckled before she got back to the task at hand. “Alright, so the ducts get smaller the further they are from the supply fan, so if we keep making sure we see filters and infill panels, we should know if we’re going the right way. All air handling units eventually go to the outside air louver, and those have access doors that lead outside. Also, don’t forget to make sure you distribute your weight evenly on the sides; otherwise, you might just fall through straight to the bottom since these are just aluminum panels.” 

“How is it that when I first met Garnet, she thought quesadillas was another word for men’s formal wear, but _you_ suddenly know how to climb through air ducts like some kind of an action hero?” Greg asked in complete astonishment.

“Well, see, Connie was really into this French zombie mini-series last year. It’s where there’s a bunch of kids that sneak into a top-secret laboratory, and then they have to climb their way out through the ducts before the clock runs out.” Ruby explained. “I mean, somebody had to sit down and watch the show with her since Steven had his eyes closed the whole time.” 

“Schtu-ball still doesn’t do well with horror movies at all, does he?” The heavy-set man laughed as he could instantly picture that scenario in his head. “So uh, how did it end then? Did they get out?” 

“No, even _better_! They all died! The director didn’t pull any punches.” Ruby said enthusiastically, “The kids all got picked off one by one, and there was this one scene where a zombie burst through a vent and took out three of them at once. It was terrific! There was even a flamethrower at one point.” 

“Of course, they died.” He moaned, burying his face in his hand, “You know you could always just lie to me, Ruby.” 

“Well,” The gem scoffed sarcastically, “I don’t know if I like you well enough to lie to you.” 

“Oh, har har.” Greg sighed, rolling his eyes, “So seriously, are we escaping or not?” 

* * *

_—Little Homeworld—_

_Thirty minutes later…_

Lapis found Steven sitting on the newly commissioned bleachers where the first Little Homeschool lessons were all set to start up in a few weeks. His wounds had been healed, although there was still a lot of dried blood caked onto his arms and hands.

It was a little off-putting, to say the least.

So while the Crystal Gems and most of the Beach City humans were just out of ear range, they were all still close enough to keep an eye on him should he suddenly take a turn for the worse. It was apparent they were planning their next moves at this point since Jasper had managed to unhinge whatever progress Steven had made earlier in getting back part of his mind.

The boy was staring blankly ahead, utterly unaware of her as she approached, eyes slightly glazed as he was lost in whatever haze his brain was holding him, prisoner, in.

“Steven,” The blue gem said, making sure to announce her presence before sitting down beside him. “So uh, hey there.” 

He didn’t acknowledge her initially, seeing as his vision was still mostly swirled and spotted at the corners. Everything in his head was still like mismatched puzzle pieces; all of them jammed together in ways that felt all wrong to him now.

“Hey, Lapis.” Steven finally replied before things got too awkward.

Now, this was a level of apathy that even Lapis Lazuli could appreciate.

“Wow. Earth to Steven, promise me that you’re still in there somewhere, Steven.” She quipped as the gem tried to get him out of his own head.

“That’s kind of a pie crust promise right now.” The teenager answered, trying not to move his neck too much since he couldn’t really focus on anything without making his head hurt. “Easily made and easily broken. I don’t like making promises to you that I can’t keep.” 

“Well, that’s a good sign, at least!” Lapis joked, seeing that he at least had enough marbles left to know just how bad off he was. “I mean, only a sane person knows when to question their sanity, right?” 

Glancing at her from the corner of his eye, the youth finally gave her the tiniest of smiles. “I’m going to have to take your word on that.” 

Without asking for further permission, the water gem decided to take advantage of the detached silence that had slipped between them and use the stream from the surrounding water fountain to start washing the blood off of Steven’s arms.

Just because he was a little crazy right now didn't mean he had to _look_ it.

“Oh. Thanks.” Steven said numbly as he watched her work. Bringing his hands up to examine them once they were clean, he had completely forgotten all about the blood, “For earlier, too, when you were sticking up for me.” 

“Steven, I’ll always stick up for you.” The terraformer beside him replied, “But you can’t believe any of the things that Jasper said back there.” 

“She wasn’t wrong, though.” He shrugged ever so slightly, “Jasper’s a pretty big creep sometimes, but she isn’t the type to lie.” 

“Not lying isn’t the same thing as being right.” Lapis countered, knowing first hand exactly what he meant and refusing to let him buy into it. “Jasper’s really good at throwing around half-truths and then believing them. The worst part is that if you listen to her for too long, you start to believe her too. Don’t let her do that to you, Steven.” 

“I’m not letting her do anything to me.” The boy replied, slowly shaking his head, “She was right, Lapis. I_ am _weak. How can I help anyone when I can’t even help myself?” 

“You are _not_ weak.” The other gem protested. “How can you even say that?!” 

“Yes, I am.” He confessed.

At this point, Lapis couldn’t believe that she almost preferred him to how he had been _before_, back when he had been acting all raging and slightly megalomaniacal. There had at least been some fire and light in that version of Steven Universe. 

This one was more like a candle that was ready to go out, his soul flickering and struggling just to stay lit. 

“You know, I always wanted to believe that people were so much more than just their worst day,” Steven murmured, obviously still in a bit of a daze, “That they could rise up over their hurt and be better people because of it.” 

“But if that’s really what I believe, then why can’t I actually do it?” Knotting his hands in his hair, he let out a shaky sigh, “I’m so angry all the time now, and it’s turning me into a person I never thought I could be. I don’t know if I can come back from this—I’m so tired of fighting it.” 

“Steven,” Lapis said earnestly, trying to reason with him, “None of this is your fault, okay? You’re not well, and your gem is—” 

“No, I’ve been feeling like this for a long time now. Before my gem ever started messing up.” He disagreed, “So this was all me from the start.” 

“Dad always says that people aren’t like buffets, and you can’t just take what you want and leave the rest. You have to accept every part of someone if you love them. So you learn to forgive people even when they let you down sometimes because that’s what it means to love someone. I understand all that, but I still just _ can’t _ do it. I’m not strong enough to forgive her, even though I know I should. She gave up everything for me, so why do I have these horrible thoughts and feelings about her all the time now?” Tears welling up in those unnatural pink eyes of his, Steven looked absolutely devastated as he bit out, “I love her, I’ll never not love her, she’s my mom… b-but I hate her too. I hate her more than I ever even knew I _could_ hate someone. And I hate _myself_ for feeling that way.” 

Although his voice was healthy again, the Crystal Gems leader looked less and less like himself. His dark hair was a jutting contrast to how pale and washed-out his face was right now, the large circles under his eyes from his ever-worsening headache like purple bruises.

“I just thought that maybe if I worked hard enough, if I were somehow good enough, then the universe might actually give me a break for once. That’s why I clung so hard to that stupid idea about ‘Happily Ever After.’ I knew it was a lie. Of course, I knew things that like that would never last. But why couldn’t we pretend it was real for just a little while? All I wanted was a break; I just wanted a chance to put the past in the past. I just wanted Rose Quartz and Pink Diamond to go away and leave me alone.” 

Looking at her helplessly, he wondered, “Don’t I get a future too?” 

Steven was a lot closer to crazy than he was sane right now, and it hurt to see that. The fact that the bright-eyed little boy that had saved her all those years ago was only saying these things _now_ when he so close to losing himself to madness was heartbreaking.

“Steven, why didn’t you ever tell anyone how you were feeling?” Lapis asked.

That horrible pink was pulsing in the back of his skull like a hammer again, along with the buzzing, instantly forcing the half-gem to press his hands tightly back to his head.

“_Steven_! Why didn’t you ever tell anyone!?” She tried again.

It took a moment for his scrambled brain to reconnect with what she had just asked him.

Blinking, once then twice, he looked down at her rather hazily, “How could I? I didn’t want you all to think I was that same weak little kid again. I finally managed to become someone who was worthy of all the trust you guys put in me; I couldn’t lose that. I couldn’t let you all down.” 

“You’re such a stupid idiot sometimes.” His friend seethed, reaching forward with such force she wasn’t sure if she was about to hug him or hit him. He was so much bigger than he used to be, but they still fit together the same way they always had before, back when he was little. Wrapping her arms around him, Lapis tried to fight off the angry tears as she buried her face in the crook of his neck, “Why won’t you ever just let _us_ save _you_?” 

He couldn’t really hear her anymore. Steven was already going back under again, the lucidness in his eyes slipping away as delirium took hold of him in the form of pink and static.

So Lapis just held onto him tighter and let the silence wash over them. Humans were always softer and warmer than she remembered them being, but Steven even more so than the others. Maybe that was because he was part gem, so his core just ran a little bit hotter, or maybe it was because he was her first real human friend. 

Either way, out of all of the organic life on Earth, she still liked him best. 

His heartbeat was steady in her ears, and she could feel the flash of his throat as he breathed from her spot against his neck, but it all still seemed fragile and temporary. Like he could just crumble away at any minute.

She needed time to think. 

“M’sorry, Lapis—I think I’m getting confused again, must have blacked out there for a second. W-What were we talking about a minute ago?” The boy confessed, sounding almost drunk. He clumsily hugged her back, brow furrowing, “Are... you crying? D-did I say something wrong?” 

_ I’m taking you back to Homeworld, no matter what._ She decided, right there and then, instead of answering him. _And I don’t care if I have to fight all the gems here on Earth to do it. This time I’m going to save you just like you saved me. I am **not** just going to sit here and watch you shatter like this._

_To be continued..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I am still so excited for Steven Universe Future, what happened in the previous chapter kind of happened again as I realized that my outline was sort of at odds with the new series; as such, I had to replot out some things, and the update I wanted to include regarding Spinel and Homeworld didn't make the cut this time around. This is because of Volleyball's official introduction and dealing with all those feels, so I needed a minute to rethink some things before I moved forward. I promise we'll be back in to check on Homeworld next time. 
> 
> Hold on to your hats for this next one, folks; it's going to be a lulu. 
> 
> As always, thanks so much for reading and all your amazing comments. It's such a treat to talk with you guys as fellow Steven Universe fans, and you all really keep me motivated and inspired.


	22. The kindest lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Of all ghosts we ever meet, the ghosts of our old wounds are the worst."  
Anonymous

_—Little Homeworld—_

The thing about Steven Universe was that lying came really easily to him.

It wasn't the nicest way to describe the savior of the galaxy, but it was accurate. Steven, however, was also brave and good and so incredibly kind, so of course, his lies were all kind too.

He lied all the time about so many things, but because Steven did it from a place of love and compassion, it usually just wasn't worth the knock-down, drag-out fight it would take to wrestle the truth out of him. Besides, most of his lies were to hide his pain away from the people who loved him best.

The only bad thing about that was that he had gotten _so_ good at lying over the years that Steven had almost even managed to convince himself his lies were the truth.

Sometimes Lapis wondered if that was the only real difference between lying and belief in the first place.

After all, Jasper was a great example of someone who was both a liar and a believer. She had lived in half-truths and foolish pride for so long that she had managed to twist reality to fit her narrative.

Steven Universe had always been both those things too. Sure he was a liar, but he was a kind liar, and he always hoped for the best and believed in everyone. So that made him so much better than someone like Jasper in Lapis's eyes.

Lapis Lazuli, on the other hand, wasn't either. She simply wasn't the type of gem who could afford to believe in lost causes or tell pretty stories to herself.

This was precisely the reason why she wasn't about to leave things as they were with Steven; he could hope for the best all he wanted, but she was going to act before it was too late.

"Steven, you need help. Let me take you back to Homeworld," Lapis pleaded with him while he still had enough marbles left to hear her. "You can't keep doing this all on your own. You can't. What if you— what if you _shatter_ before we get Ruby and Greg back? You're really sick right now."

The lack of concern in his eyes sent a cold chill right through her.

"Then, I'd just become something you couldn't see anymore."

Barely coherent, the youth just shrugged, "You know maybe if I left, Mom could come back. I know that it's a long shot since she's gone, and I'm here for good now, but I still wonder about that sometimes. People's souls just don't disappear, not even gems, so maybe she's still in there somewhere. Maybe that's what will happen to me when I die too..."

Lapis couldn't help but jerk away from him involuntarily, stung by his words, and the delirious boy blinked at her with dull surprise in his eyes as she pulled away.

"If that's the case, then I'd still be here, Lapis." He tried to reassure her, sounding kind but not comforting. "Just in a different way."

It was the most horrible thing he had ever said to her, and it hurt so much she could barely stand it.

"I don't _want—"_ Words failing her, she fought back the rage and bile and tried again, "I don't want that, Steven! No one here wants that! Not if it means that you'd have to go away. So don't you ever talk like that again."

Steven's eyes were wide and fever bright as he blinked, "They... don't?"

There was so much surprise in his voice that it broke her heart all over again. Like he couldn't possibly believe that what she was saying was true, but at the same time, he desperately wanted to cling to the hope that someone, that _anyone_ could love him more than they loved his mom.

The gem shook her head frantically, and it was so stupid, but she was suddenly so scared right now, "No, they don't! So promise me, _promise_ me that you won't ever say something like that again."

"Okay, okay, I promise." He agreed, wholesome to a fault and yet brimming with that same stubborn determination that he always had. Reaching out, the boy bundled her up in his arms again and held on tight. "I'm sorry I said that."

Something so uncertain as a promise from a brain-addled teenager shouldn't have been such a comfort to her at a time like this, but Lapis knew how hard Steven tried when it came to everything he did.

And that promise meant that he was still here, so, for now, at least, that just had to be enough.

"Hey, how are you guys doing over here?" Lars called as he and Connie approached the pair on the bench.

"Oh man, he still looks really out of it." The older teen couldn't help but comment once they got up close.

"Wow, Lars, nothing gets past you, does it?" Lapis replied in a tone dry as the desert, making it crystal clear that she wasn't really in the mood for their company right now.

"Hey, guys," Steven said, listlessly turning to them as best he could under the circumstances.

Now that Connie could see him better, the girl found herself even more worried than she already had been about Steven because _yes,_ he really did look _that bad_ right now. She had never seen him this pale and disoriented before, and his eyes were so bruised they looked like someone had punched him. Bending over to feel the boy's forehead with the back of her hand, she was immediately shocked by how hot he was to the touch.

"Oh my gosh, Steven, you're burning up!" She exclaimed, leaning forward to examine him better. For a moment, it seemed like her own best friend didn't recognize her. Those pink eyes filled with confusion for a few seconds before he shivered involuntarily against her touch, a painful, full-body thing that was further proof about just how feverish he was right now.

"Wha? No Connie, M'fine–" Steven started before it seemed like he lost whatever else it was he wanted to say. The words were all slippery, gliding through his head like silvery light that he couldn't pin down.

Now that she was close enough to see it, Connie could also make out a strange little flicker of light that was blinking off and on under Steven's black t-shirt.

His gem _definitely_ hadn't been doing that when they had set him on the bench twenty minutes ago.

"Steven, I need to check your gem? Is that okay?" She asked, kneeling to lift his shirt.

The boy seemed only to understand maybe a third of what she asked, but it was at least enough to get a mumble of consent out of him.

Connie hated how much she was treating him like spun glass right now, but Steven was becoming more and unstable with every passing hour.

With powers like his, he was like a sweet, curly-haired missile head that had the potential to detonate at any moment.

Tugging up at the fabric of his shirt, his best friend met with a horrible sight as the air filled with the acrid smell of injury and burnt skin.

The start of what looked like first-degree burn marks was all over Steven's stomach, raw, angry, and painful-looking things that were crawling up from where his gem connected to his skin. His diamond itself was glowing almost a fiery red instead of pink, like the way a hot stove or an ember burned. Connie tried to place her hand on the stone, but she instantly recoiled in pain from how scorching hot it was to the touch.

"PEARL!" She heard herself trill before her brain even had a chance to process what was happening.

Flying to their side as though she had just sprouted wings, Pearl's face instantly turned white once she saw the reason behind Connie's cry for help. "Oh, my stars, _Steven_!"

Steven's diamond wasn't just wreaking havoc on his mind anymore; now, it was actually overheating to the point it was damaging his organic body too. In all her 7000 years, Pearl had seen corruption and gems shattered beyond all recognition, but she had _never_ seen a gem just burning itself out the way his was.

A sudden rise in one's core temperature would send just about anyone into shock, regardless of whether they were human or gem, so it was no wonder that he was so incoherent right now. Add to that the fact that most teenage boys weren't supposed to have gemstones hanging out right next to their major organs, which was frightening new territory for everyone. Whether it was a diamond or a stovetop, if any external surface reached a heat higher than 130 degrees Fahrenheit, they could easily burn a human from the inside out.

Burns like that could easily lead to scarier things like sepsis, organ damage, and trauma.

Not to mention death.

Death was suddenly a genuine possibility here.

"Forget Ruby and Mr. Universe right now!" Connie exclaimed once she realized the full gravity of the situation, "We need to Steven get to back Homeworld _this minute_, or he could die!"

"Argh! That's what _I've_ been saying from the start!" Lapis fumed, trying not to be bitter over how long it took everyone else to catch a clue.

"Alright, enough! You two can argue over who was right later. But for now, let's just focus on getting him cooled down before he passes out!" Lars snapped at the two girls before he turned his attention back on his sick friend and gently shook Steven's shoulder, "Hey there, buddy? Think you can stand up for me?"

Before the other boy could even raise his head to answer him, a sudden wave of nausea lurched in his stomach. Clutching the part of his shirt where his gem was, the pain caused Steven's legs to buckle before he sank to his knees on the ground by the bleachers and started to dry heave. Steven's stomach was empty since he hadn't eaten anything since dinner the night before, but the lining of his throat felt covered in a metallic tasting liquid.

Staring at the ground, Lars saw a small puddle of red slowly spill out onto the earth beside where his friend had collapsed.

Okay then.

So his experience with stuff like this was pretty limited to his own brush with death back on Homeworld and the things he saw in video games. But you didn't need to go to medical school to know that puking out blood was never a good sign.

"What the _heck_! Seriously man, are you okay?!" He cried out, instantly dropping to the ground by his friend's side.

To his annoyance, the kid actually had the gall to muffle out something around a _mouthful of blood_ that sounded vaguely like, "I'm okay," and Lars couldn't help but feel personally attacked by that.

"Alright, from this point on," The older of the two snarled as he slipped his arm around Steven's shoulders, bracing him up, "You are _not_ allowed to use that word _ever_ again. Since you obviously have no idea what it actually means. Now slide your arm over so I can get a better grip."

"You know you're... kind of a bully when you're mad," Steven commented, only slightly stumbling over the words as he was hefted off the ground. His voice was gravelly, and his eyes were over-bright as he spoke, but for all intents and purposes, he still managed to sound a little snarky.

Lars swore that for all his usual sweetness, no one realized just how much of a secret sass master Steven Universe could be. The little jerk could manage to sound snarky on his deathbed.

Which the other teen really hoped wasn't right now.

"Guess what, Universe? I can live with that." Lars barked as he supported more of the younger teen's weight, "Come on, you moron, pick your feet up."

But his friend had gone stock-still in his arms again.

Instead, Steven was looking straight past him, underneath the bleachers to where he could see something small and glowing from the spot he had fallen.

The item was fastened to the middle row almost directly underneath where he and Lapis had been sitting just a few minutes earlier. It was a small device, pronged like an antler, making it look a bit like a slingshot. While the outside was delicate and almost crystalline in appearance, the inside was brimming with burning, radioactive looking ooze. 

The strange pink glow instantly made Steven feel ten times worse than he was already feeling.

Jolts of pain came thundering back into his head with the force of a herd of stampeding buffalo, and the longer he stared at it, the more it felt like he was falling from a height while vomiting.

Steven's skin crawled and compressed, his bones aching, as the puzzle pieces of his body tried to find any way to fit back together despite all the physical wrongness he was feeling.

The buzzing, that horrible buzzing, was crawling out of that device like a thousand yellow jackets, all set to rip him apart and tear away all the little pieces of his soul until there was nothing left of him but an empty shell.

"We have to kill it, Lars." He whispered between his teeth, eyes the size of pinpricks as he reached blindly past the other boy, "Kill it, _please_, please help me kill it."

"Steven, what are you doing?! Hold still!" Lars squawked as he was barely able to fight against just how strong the kid was.

Even if it was just an inanimate object, the fact that the world authority on peace wanted to kill something this intensely right now was more than a little concerning.

"_Please_," Steven begged. The boy sounded so desperate and insane as he babbled, "Please, please, it has to die, Lars—please, it has to before it empties everything out of me. I can't—my head, _please_—"

Coming to her friend's aid, Lapis was the one who reached over and fished the strange little crystal out from under the bleacher. "I'll get rid of it, Steven." She assured him, gripping it tightly to the point the device nearly shattered. "I won't let it hurt you anymore, I promise."

Crying out in relief once that horrible light had been taken away, Steven slowly released Lars from his panicked yet crushing grip. For a minute, it looked like he wanted to say something, but before he could, the teen began to shudder oddly. His eyes suddenly rolled back into his head as his body began to seize up. Losing control of his limbs as his muscles spasmed, Steven's head dropped like a bowling ball, lolling onto his friend's shoulder. From the small noises he was making, it seemed like he was somewhere between trying to breathe and trying to be sick again.

"What the—?!" Lars cried out to Lapis, waving her and the crystal away with his free hand. "Hey, get that thing away from him!"

Whatever it was, maybe Steven wasn't crazy. Maybe this thing really _was_ trying to hurt him right now.

Immediately taking to the sky, Lapis tried to get as much distance in between her friend and the device as she could. She had never seen anything like it before, but it was obviously some kind of Homeworld tech. So like with the rejuvenator, Bismuth would probably know what this thing was and why it was affecting him so severely.

Pulling the other teen up into a sitting position now that the thing hurting him was gone, he was so hot to the touch that it was hard for Lars even to hold onto him. Cripes, how the heck had Steven's brains not boiled right out of his skull?

The younger boy in his arms was making soft gagging sounds, his chest caving in as he fought and failed to pull in air.

"You're such a faker. So seriously, knock it off already, since we all know that you're going to pull through this just fine." Lars assured him rather hysterically, even as the teenager moved closer and closer to going into respiratory failure, "But for right now, right now, you need to stop scaring the crap out of Connie and me and breathe. We just need you to breathe, Steven."

Despite all words to the contrary, Steven was practically turning blue at this point, and those desperate little chokes of his were starting to get weaker and weaker.

"STEVEN!" Lars shrieked as he shook him, "For criminy's sake, just _BREATHE_ in!"

The space pirate was all but ready to start CPR when finally, _finally, _Steven's chest heaved upwards, then back down as he managed to take a few deep, erratic breaths, as whatever had been blocking his airwaves passed. All the boy could do after that was pull in a few more desperate gulps of air before Steven's body gave out entirely, sagging against Lars before finally going still. 

Meeting his friends’ gaze, they all shared a silent moment of relief that he was just unconscious before Lars let out a shaky sigh of his own.

It was a really good thing that he was somewhat immortal because this bubble-headed dork had easily taken ten years off his life from all the stress of the last 24 hours alone.

Glancing down at the limp figure in his arms, Lars took in the gaunt curve of Steven's usually round cheeks, the mussed cloud of those fluffy curls, and the vivid bruises under his friend's blackened eyes. Man, he hated seeing him like this. In fact, he had never seen _anyone_ this sick before in his life.

"We need some serious help here, guys." He mumbled, trying not to tip over now that the full force of Steven's weight was starting to bear down on him. "Because we're so far in over our heads right now, we can't even see the shoreline."

* * *

_—Little Homeworld—_

_...???..._

Steven woke up to the feeling of fingers in his hair. Someone was motherly stroking the sweaty stray pieces of hair out of his face, their hand cool against his burning hot skin, and he couldn't help but turn his head toward the touch.

"Steven?" Pearl's quiet voice drifted by, "Are you awake?"

"Mm," he managed. "I don't know."

"Can you try to drink some water?"

It sounded like she really wanted him to try to drink something, but the thought of actually moving right now seemed just as arduous a task to him as trying to climb to the moon.

Cold liquid was brought up to his lips, but he just couldn't find the strength to drink it even though he was so thirsty. Despite Pearl's gentle encouragement, they eventually had to take it away.

Ice compresses were being pressed to his gem and chest, washing away the dull ache a little and soothing the burnt skin there. Steven's hair was also soaking wet, so he must have been dunked underwater at some point, only he couldn't remember when.

For a while, the world shifted and faded away to black again.

When he woke up for the second time, it felt like he was floating somewhere above the floor, his vision swimming.

"Steven?" Pearl called out again.

He tried to look at her, his face flushed with high fever, eyes glassy behind messy curls.

"Hold on, alright? Just hold on. We're taking you back to Homeworld. The Diamonds are going to be able to fix you right up, you'll see." Pearl told him as someone he couldn't see repositioned his weight.

Steven was too tired to answer her, so the best he could do was give her a hum of acknowledgment.

Consciousness hurt too much, and a part of him was pretty sure that he was dying.

His breath hitched despite his best efforts not to hyperventilate, and his heart was starting to stutter in his chest.

"You know I heard what you said back there, to Lapis." She murmured right as he was starting to fall asleep again, "About Rose being here instead of you."

Tears were shining in her eyes again, and he hated seeing Pearl sad like that. Steven wanted to brush them away, but his hands felt more like weighted sacks than anything that he had the actual ability to control right now. He didn't have the strength to do much of anything except breathe right now, and even that didn't seem to be working out too well.

"Oh, Steven," Pearl all but despaired, "You have to know by now just how much we all love you. Of course, I still miss your mother sometimes, but that doesn't mean that I don't want you. If I ever lost you, I wouldn't be able to stand it. _Please_, I need you to believe that."

The boy blinked at her, halfway lucid and more dead than alive right now.

"You're nice," He rasped with a sad smile, his voice slurring. "But… I don't think you're real."

"I'm not?" Pearl asked softly, her hand cool and tender on his aching forehead. "What makes you say that?"

"It's not your fault. I make people up sometimes without meaning to." The teen croaked guilty like it was all his fault that she was stuck here with him in the first place, "I'm sorry."

Then he was falling down, down, down.

Everything was going black around the edges of his vision.

"Steven, stay with me!" Dream Pearl cried out to him, her voice pulling him up out of the abyss, "You need to stay awake until we get there. Just keep talking to me; tell me the reason. Tell me the reason you think that I'm not real. Tell me anything, just don't fall asleep!"

He tried to open his eyes again for her, but they felt so heavy now, so he just kept them closed.

In fact, everything felt too heavy, really.

It was getting hard to breathe again.

"You're nice," He wheezed, "But... you're not her."

Steven's chest burned, and his voice was nothing more than a pathetic little gurgle at this point as he mumbled, "Because _my_ Pearl would… n-never say something like that."

He heard someone screaming his name, but the youth was already choking under the rush of wet, rattling coughs as the darkness overtook him.

Before he slipped away completely, the boy was dimly aware of the fact that the heaviness in his limbs felt too painful and permanent just to be sleep. But he was just too tired to be afraid of death anymore, or whatever else might be coming for him next.

Maybe this time things would be different; maybe this time he'd finally be able to rest.

* * *

_—Steven's Mind—_

Sinking off into quiet, peacefully oblivion had proved more often than not to be something reserved for other far more fortunate souls than Steven Universe.

He should have known by now that he was never that lucky.

Sitting at the edge of an unfamiliar shoreline, Steven was surprised to find himself trapped in a gigantic terrarium that somehow managed to fit an entire ocean behind its glass. Above him, countless stars and other heavenly bodies glittered just outside the translucent ceiling.

Out in front of him, endless, expansive blue water, and to his back, a tiny beach that held a small cluster of sand dunes, palm trees, and marram grass.

He wasn't alone on the beach, though, as, for the second time in his life, he found himself staring face to face with himself.

Or at least someone who could seriously pass for him in a look-alike contest.

Steven had been eye to eye with his own gem before, but this wasn't like that time at all.

This new Steven Universe looked more mature somehow. He was taller, stalwart even, and well, maybe just a little bit sinister.

Those glittering eyes of his didn't exactly help that image; neither did the smile he flashed since it wasn't friendly at all.

The other Steven's hair and eyebrows were both such a pale shock of pink they were almost white, and his skin, while flesh-toned enough to pass as human, was a dusty rose hue, several shades lighter than that of his twin. It was a stark contrast to the dark-haired version and his summer tan.

For someone who had spent his whole life living on a beach, it was weird to see a version of himself that was so pale. His look-alike also seemed so much less approachable than he usually was, as every inch of him screamed, _look at how much better I am than you are._

New Steven somehow even managed to wear their standard pair of hot pink flip flops with a hint of arrogance, which was really hard to pull off in regular Steven's opinion.

No, this person wasn't the living projection of his gemstone at all, but rather someone just as human and as gem as Steven himself was. Only this him was twisted up in ways that made him both recognizable and strange at the same time, like an inverted picture of himself gone wrong.

"Why did you bring me here?" Steven asked defensively once his new companion took a seat on the sand right next to him, "What is this place?"

His counterpart's lips twisted up in amusement before he held up both hands in mock surrender, "_I_ didn't bring us anywhere, Steven, this is all _you_, buddy. You're the one that brought us here." The pale youth turned away from Steven, clutching his hand to his cheek in a somewhat condescending way as if the other boy had missed something painfully stupid. "In fact, the only reason I'm here at all is that you needed me. You _are_ the one who created me, after all."

"Created you? Oh. So does that mean we're dying then?" Steven asked quietly, although he had sort of expected it.

Things like standing face to face with his doppelgänger did tend to only happen to him when he was on death's door.

"I'm so sorry. I was trying to keep it together." The dark-haired version confessed, "But I guess it was too much power for me to handle. Our diamond's ripping us apart right now, isn't it?"

"It's trying to. But I don't want to die today, and I don't think you do either." The other Steven replied, "So I'll level with you here, pal. I don't think that it's too much power for us at all. It's just that you're going to have to give up a few things to be strong enough to take that power, that's all."

"Don't you see? That's the reason I'm here right now," Gently reaching over to squeeze Steven's shoulder, his doppelgänger's voice was strangely hypnotic as he said, "I think you needed someone to give you permission to do that. To tell you that it's okay if you have to give up on all those useless things that were holding you back."

"What useless things?" The real Steven quivered.

"Hmm, how about your useless feelings for one? Your useless need to help everyone, no matter how much the cost to yourself winds up being. But hey, look on the bright side here! You can finally be selfish for a change." Inverted-Steven explained, "After this, you can stop caring about everything all the darn time. You can think about yourself, put yourself first for _once_. Doesn't that sound nice?"

"No," Steven said fiercely. "That doesn't sound nice at all. I don't want that. I never asked for that."

"Steven, you can't lie to yourself, not here, not to _me_. Remember that I'm only here in the first place because you created me. Oh, you try so hard to hide me, to lock me away, to pretend I don't exist. But I consume you so much these days. I'm all your anger and resentment given physical form." His counterpart smirked, "And we both _know_ that I'm stronger than anything else that's in your heart right now."

"Shut up." Steven choked miserably. His mind was blocked off; his personality seemed hazy. Everything was just so—he couldn't remember what was real anymore.

The pale-haired boy had so much sympathy in his eyes for his duplicate as he soothed, "I'm just trying to tell you that it's okay for you to feel this way. This isn't just about hating Mom, you know—it's acknowledging that your family, your loved ones, they're actually pretty terrible too. They _are_ holding you back, trapping you on their level, always making you put their feelings first." Sighing, he shook his head, "You've given them everything you have, and they still keep finding more things to take from you. So why do you keep letting it happen? Jasper hit it on the nose; you are weak." Wagging a finger, his twin exclaimed, "But you don't have to be! That's the point. You're a diamond; you have the power to do anything you want. So why do you let everyone else walk all over you? Why do you care so much about what they think? We're the ones with all power here. We don't need them at all anymore."

"No." Steven thought, dully. "You're not me; you're wrong. I'd never—I don't feel that way."

"How do you know, though?" The other him asked. "You might be wrong. After all, you've been living in Mom's shadow for so long now that I don't even think _you_ know what it is that you really want."

"I...I don't—" Steven's mind felt so sluggish he could barely register anything, "I'm not..."

"Face it, big guy, you've done everything they've ever asked you to and then some, and despite all the horrible things she did, you know they'd _still_ prefer Mom over you." Leaning closer, the pale-haired teen continued to voice every horrible thought the real Steven had ever had, "Dad and the Gems will never really let you be your own person. You'll always just be a replacement for her. But that's not your fault. You didn't ask to be born."

Charming and sympathetic as he played devil's advocate, the other boy continued to whisper horrible things in his ear, "They've actually made you think that you're guilty of some crime here, haven't they, Steven? That it's _your_ fault, she's gone. That's why you play the role of the perfect son and hope that maybe, just _maybe,_ you can finally be enough for them. You're so good, and Mom was so bad, and yet you know that they still love her more. So you keep settling for second best, you keep telling yourself that it's okay because hey, at least they love you at all. But it's not okay, is it?"

"Come on. You must really hate them for making you feel this way, don't you?"

"No," Steven gritted out, "No, it isn't like that. Love isn't like cake; just because someone else gets a piece doesn't mean that I get any less. I'm not in competition with Mom, okay?!"

"Okay, now you're _reaaally_ lying to yourself." The other Steven huffed as he rolled his eyes.

"You've got it all wrong. I don't blame them for what happened with her. I understand just how much they were hurting when she died, how lost they were." The half-gem stammered, "They never meant to put me in a position like that; it's not their fault."

"It wasn't your fault either, Steven. But that's sure never stopped them from putting all the responsibility on you to fix things." His mirror-self reasoned, "Amethyst is right; you need to be more open about your feelings. Let's face it, the people who make you feel the worst about not being Pink Diamond or Rose Quartz aren't the gems that are usually trying to kill you on a daily basis; they're your own family. Be honest; you _hate_ them for that."

"_Yes_." Steven lamented his intellect slow; his mind felt so weighed down. "Yes, I hate them sometimes."

"So why don't you just let me take care of things for a little while?" His twin asked, wrapping him up in a tight, protective embrace. "I'll take care of us so you can rest, Steven. I'll keep our heart safe from all the people who want to use us. You won't have to worry about anyone else, hurting us ever again because I'll protect you. I'm strong enough to do all the things that you can't."

They fit together perfectly, dispute their glaring differences, and it felt so nice having someone else carry the weight for a while. Steven's eyes slipped close despite himself, his head suddenly too heavy to hold up on its own anymore. The longer the other version held him, the more things started going blank in the original boy's head.

The identity he had spent sixteen years piecing together seemed to be crumbling apart as though it was sand, the black and white lines of life blurring into gray. And the things that had meant more to him than anything began fading away despite how desperately he tried to cling to them.

"_NO!_" He finally managed to shout through clenched teeth right before he lost himself completely. Voice knotted in defiance; the half-gem pushed the other version off of him with every ounce of strength he still had. "No, this is wrong! You're wrong about them, and you're wrong about me. I don't _want_ this anymore. My family may not be perfect, but I still love them. And I may not be strong in the way you think I should be, but I still want to be me. That's the only person I want to be. So I won't _EVER_ let myself become someone like you!"

"Tsk, tsk. Sticks and stones." His double scolded before catching the smaller boy by the arm, "I was really hoping that we could do this the easy way so that I wouldn't have to hurt you. Too bad, huh, champ?"

Pulling back, the black-haired teen was floored by the monstrous strength the other him had. "Let go of me!" He snapped as he tried in vain to yank his arm away from his look-alike.

"No, not this time. You're not getting away from me this time, Steven. You can't fight me off anymore; you can't bury me in the back of your head and pretend that I'm not real." His duplicate leered, "I'm not going anywhere."

Steven let out a choke as the paler version of himself reached out and sunk his hand deep into his rib cage, wrapping a fist around his still-beating heart.

Pain instantly engulfed every cell in his body, heart seizing in his chest as it was clenched tight. Steven struggled in vain to scream, to move, to do anything to free himself from his evil twin's grasp.

He had never experienced anything as painful as this in his entire life.

Jasper headbutting him, Spinel using the rejuvenator on him, all his diamond's attacks from earlier on the pier, even the act of White Diamond herself ripping his gem out his body, he'd take _any_ of those situations over this a thousand times over.

But it was so much more than just the physical pain; no, this felt deeper somehow, like his very soul was being torn apart along with it.

Before Steven could even process what was happening to him, a wet squelch filled his ears, and right as his vision blackened, he realized with sick dread that what he was hearing was the sound of his heart being crushed.

The teen tried to cry out, but only empty, broken air escaped his lips. His silent plea for help unanswered, Steven fell, crumpling into the larger boy's waiting embrace, as a few pathetic little spasms racked through him before he stilled entirely.

Slowly, the inky color of Steven's curls began to fade away until they were the same pale pink as his attacker's. Simultaneously, deep waves of icy numbness began to replace the pain, washing it all away. The world and everyone in it started to disappear with each surge, and just like that—none of it really mattered anymore.

Nothing mattered.

Steven had forgotten why he had ever cared in the first place.

_To be continued…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew. That was a rough ride.
> 
> Thanks for reading, and sorry guys, still no Homeworld this chapter. The muses overtook me last night, and I realized ten pages in that I still had a lot of Steven stuff that I needed to get through before anything else could take place.
> 
> With that said, though, I'll try to have the next chapter out to you all in a few days. Thank you again as always for all the comments and kudos, you guys. I am just so appreciative of you, readers, and all the insights you've given me thus far.
> 
> Also, a few minor notes about diamonds since it might help explain some things:
> 
> Diamonds are the hardest material known and therefore has unrivaled engineering and manufacturing applications. Diamonds also occupy the top spot with an absolute hardness of 1500. This makes them much harder than the runner up corundum (sapphire and ruby), which comes in at number nine in the hardness charts, with an absolute hardness of 400. 
> 
> Diamonds are also some of the best conductors of heat currently known. For example, if a diamond were a half-mile long and a flame was placed on one end of the diamond, with a hand on the other end, the person would feel the heat almost instantly as if the fire were applied directly to their hand. This was part of the reason Steven was having such a bad time in this chapter and got sick so quickly.


	23. The friends worth keeping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven takes a back seat in today's episode as we explore some of the other bonds and relationships that have popped up in our little universe. 
> 
> This story has a lot of working parts to it, and there are a ton of characters to continue to try to keep in play here, so I hope I was able to juggle that somewhat gracefully without tripping over my own feet too much.
> 
> Also, as the last update had significant gaps in time due to Steven's different moments of consciousness, this would best be read with the understanding that the situations that are taking place happen at various times throughout the previous chapter.

.

_—Homeworld—_

_The Throne Room…_

Six thousand years of solitude did things to people.

And one of the first lessons Spinel learned from spending a millennium alone with nothing but her own thoughts was how to listen better.

Her garden had become both her sanctuary and her prison for so long that now that she was back among Gemkind, she was hyperaware of everything, even to the point of being paranoid.

So even though there was no change in White’s voice as she spoke, no tiny shift in the light shining off those luminous eyes, nothing at all in the monarch’s body language that should have warned her that anything was wrong, Spinel still saw the hand that was reaching for her before it ever grabbed her.

White’s sob story about Pink had been entirely convincing save for one thing.

Spinel had simply gotten too used to people hurting her in the past. That was why she was always looking for someone ready to stick the knife in, whether the fear was rational or not.

Kicking her feet up from underneath her right before the blow hit, the clownish gem barrel rolled off her shoulder, doing a dramatic sweep to the ground and sliding towards the throne room doors with both hands outstretched.

Spinel put her natural ability as an acrobat to use as she had always favored agility and quick handedness over actual physical strength. Darting towards the small space that she could pry open between the heavy doors, the pink gem used her body’s springy physique to contort herself into an inhuman position and slip back into the main hall.

For just a second before the doors closed-back shut, Spinel couldn’t help but look back over her shoulder to where White was eying her with cold indifference. The little gem’s heart broke all over again as she realized with certainty that another once-happy relationship she finally thought she had earned had crumbled to dust behind her.

Before the celestial being could move, the harlequin was running off like a bullet down the empty hall, her heavy footsteps thudding behind her.

Spinel had no idea where she was running to or what she would do when she got there, but for now, her only extinct was to keep moving.

She had spent 6,000 years frozen in place.

Which was why, even if her actions were wrong, even the choices she made were mistakes; Spinel still had to act.

She would never allow herself to stand still and wait ever again.

“Oh, now, Treasure.” White Diamond said tartly as several much larger robonoids began to crawl down from the ceiling and towards the door. “Out of all the games you wanted to play, I’m afraid you’ll find that I’m awfully good at ‘Hide and Seek.’” 

The ruler of Homeworld sent the drones out into the world with a single flick of her ivory wrist and a smile in her voice, “‘Ready or Not, Here I come.’” 

* * *

_—Little Homeworld—_

_The Greenhouse…_

After his seizure by the bleachers, Steven had been stripped down to his boxer shorts while the gems worked quickly to get his body cooled down. Amethyst and Peridot helped Connie spray the boy thoroughly with the greenhouse’s watering system in the hopes they could get him in a safe enough place to make the journey back to Homeworld.

“Remember, contrary to popular belief, the water can’t be too cold, or we could lower his body temperate too quickly, and he could become hypothermic.” The human told them as they worked to counter his fever. Peridot and Amethyst had no idea what most of these human terms even meant, but they were willing to try just about anything if it would bring Steven back from the brink.

“You’ve been asleep _way_ too much these last few days, you bum.” Amethyst weakly joked to the kid as she finished using lukewarm water to rinse off those black curls of his. If they ignored the hollows beneath his eyes and his sad, wet gasps for air, it almost looked like Steven was just napping peacefully and not comatose from a pain-induced blackout brought on by his gem.

Tenderly toweling his head off, the little Quartz fell back on her self-deprecating sense of humor as she added, “_I’m_ supposed to be the lazy good for nothing in the family, right, Steven? So wake up already and quit stealing my bit.” 

There was no response.

The young man in her arms was as gray as a corpse and just as animated as one. In fact, the only sign of life from the teen at all was the occasionally violent little shivers that had started the moment the water had hit him, along with his weak, rasping attempts to breathe.

Coming up behind her, Connie began the next task of packing blocks of ice wrapped in towels underneath his armpits and on top of his very angry, malfunctioning diamond.

The shock from the ice instantly caused the unconscious boy to whimper, his brows furrowing for just a moment before going slack again. Being bombarded with cold like this would be uncomfortable for anyone, never mind someone as sick as he was. As Amethyst repositioned his dead weight against her, she brought a hand up to his side to lift him a little higher against her when she heard a string of barely audible sound escape his lips. Eyelids fluttering, Steven let out a small stutter of pain as the gem’s hand accidentally grazed the area by his stomach.

Snapping herself out of her melancholy, Connie moved closer to Amethyst to check on the area that was hurting him, pulling back the ice packs away for a few minutes so she could look at the injuries there.

A large, ugly, black bruise was starting to form on the left side of his gem, which suddenly concerned her leagues more than his fever.

And she was already _plenty_ worried about his fever.

But the angry black stippling running from his navel to his hip made it all too clear that Steven had some internal damage around the area surrounding his gem. Whether it was a response to the raw heat that the stone was giving off or not was hard to say. If his diamond was doing more than mildly blistering his skin, then it could be burning through his soft tissue and into his abdomen. Should that be the case, then Steven could have gastrointestinal bleeding too, and that was so much worse than some mild burns and a big bruise.

It didn’t help that the small intestine sat directly underneath the place where a human’s belly button was supposed to be.

Taking her portable thermometer out of her duffel bag Connie gently placed it in her unconscious friend’s ear and waited for the reading. 

The number on the screen did nothing to soothe her fears.

“106.7 °F.” She choked, barely able to believe she was reading it right, “That’s still so high.” 

“Do humans always carry around thermal energy detectors?” Peridot couldn’t help but ask, seeing as Connie was one of the few people in Little Homeworld who knew anything about human biology. After delivering a fresh set of towels to Amethyst, the green gem made her way to the corner to poke through the girl’s open duffel bag to see what other curiosities it held.

“I don’t know about other humans, but have you met my mother?” Connie remarked as she continued to check her best friend’s vitals, “I’m _still_ waiting for the day she steals a portable ultrasound machine and ties it to my back.” 

“I see.” The technician responded somewhat distractedly, “So now that I know you organics can overheat like this, what kind of temperature _are_ Earthlings supposed to be at?” 

Pulling out the bottle of Triiifecto Planetary Hot Sauce that Connie had bought as a gift for a certain half-gem at Space Camp, Peridot shook the container experimentally. Which made the owner of said duffle bag suddenly very glad that she had settled on the hot sauce as a present for Steven and not the bottle of Gravity Cola she had been eying instead.

“Well,” Connie began as she continued to watch the gem dig through her stuff like an overly enthusiastic raccoon, “98.6 °F is the standard, but Steven’s always run a few degrees hotter than the rest of us due to being part gem.” 

It didn’t take Steven Universe to realize that the gem was barely listening to her, head halfway in the bag as she radiated nervous energy. Which was why Connie decided not to comment on the huge invasion of privacy taking place here.

After all, Peridot loved Steven just as much the rest of them did.

This was probably just her way of dealing with things.

“So, I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t really know what his version of normal actually is,” She faltered somewhat weakly.

Sighing, Amethyst chimed in, “Yeah, it sure would be helpful if Steve-o came with a manual sometimes; that’s for sure.” 

“But 106.7 °F is still really bad, guys.” Connie attested, “He’s pretty much just short of the kind of fever that can cause regular humans brain damage.” 

“What? So wait just a minute,” Peridot gawked as she tried to process that, “Do you seriously mean to tell me that a puny _8 degrees_ is all that it takes to reduce your kind, to, to this?!” Motioning to her friend’s unmoving form for dramatic effect, she hollered, “Humans can’t possibly be this pathetic—I mean, how does your species even _function_!?” 

Growling, the little gem turned to Steven and shook him, “And _you, _you clod! Us peridots can survive temperatures of 1470°F, easy! But you, you’re a diamond, _a diamond_ for star’s sake, Steven! What kind of gem are you supposed to be anyways if you’re going to let a measly 8 degrees do this to you?” 

“Get up. Get up right this second and stop lying there in this completely unnecessary dormant state, do you hear me?” Voice cracking when the half-gem wouldn’t move, wouldn’t even open his eyes and look at her; Peridot got more and more desperate as she insisted, “Hey! Don’t you ignore me, y-you, horrible Steven, you!” 

“He can’t hear you, Peri.” Amethyst chided as she wrapped one final towel tightly around the top half of Steven’s exposed torso. “But I promise, you can totally yell at him all you want once we get him fixed up on Homeworld, okay?” 

Shapeshifting into her Purple Puma form, she lifted the boy in her arms and placed him firmly against her chest, while Connie quickly grabbed his clothes and shoved them in her duffel for later.

Steven’s usually sturdy body felt so frail and wasted right now, his pulse fluttering like a bird against her. Even at his littlest, he had always been so tough and naturally robust that it had made it easy for everyone to assume that nothing could really hurt him. Amethyst had never seen him like this before, fragile and broken in a way that made it seem like every breath he took could be his last.

Forcing that horrible thought out of her head, Amethyst decided to go back to her default way of coping with things that usually involved hiding her emotions under a thick layer of glib and nonchalance. Bundling the boy up securely in her arms, she joked, “I know that I, for one, _absolutely_ plan on giving Steven several years worth of grief for all of this when he wakes up. One for making me carry him around like a pretty little princess. And two, for having Connie strip him down to his underwear and him not even having the common decency to be awake for it! If I’m going to see him die of embarrassment, then he at least needs to be conscious, right?” 

* * *

_Meanwhile, in Bismuth’s Forge…_

“So… what is it?” Lars muttered, asking the question everyone was thinking as they all hoovered around Bismuth.

“I have absolutely no idea.” The smithy replied as she held up the device closer to the light, “All I can tell you is that this is old, and I mean this is some seriously _old_ tech. I’d even go so far as to call it a relic.” 

“It certainly _does_ look like it could be early Era 1, just look at the latticework on the handle.” Pearl agreed as she moved closer to examine it better. “But why was ancient Gem technology like this just taped under a bench in Little Homeschool in the first place?” 

“Great question,” Lapis affirmed as she grabbed the device before Bismuth could protest. Once it was securely in her grasp, the gem slammed the item down on the brick forge as hard as she could, making sure that it was good and broken before giving it back to her friend, “That’s the second thing we can ask the Diamonds after we save Steven.” 

“Hey!” Bismuth protested, although it was way too late actually to do anything, “Ack, seriously?” Giving Lapis the stink eye, the smithy held up the smashed, dripping crystal at arm’s length so it wouldn’t spill out toxic goo all over her hands or her workshop.

“But how do we even know that we can trust the Diamonds?” Pearl wondered. “First, the Governor sends soldiers armed with gem destabilizers to round us up, and now it looks like Steven’s gem is only malfunctioning in the first place because of this strange device. All of the signs here point to the fact that _someone_ from Homeworld is trying to sabotage everything we’re doing here on Earth.” 

“Let’s not forget that the Diamonds were adamant about wanting Steven to remain on Homeworld with them.” Sapphire chimed in. “What if by taking him back to them, we’re somehow playing directly into their hands?” 

“Who _cares_ about any of that!” Lapis fumed, “Human armies, rescue missions, Homeworld politics, _none_ of those things are important right now. The only important thing is making sure that Steven doesn’t get any worse!” 

“Lapis, of course, we’re all worried about Steven,” Pearl tried to explain, “We’re just trying to be smart about this. For all we know, we could be walking into another trap.” Bringing a hand up to her chin to contemplate things, she reasoned, “After finding out that White Diamond would even go so far as to rip Steven’s gem out of his body like that, I don’t know what we should expect from them anymore. Maybe we were too hasty in believing that they could ever change in the first place.” 

“Of course, they can change! _Everyone_ can change.” Lapis glowered, “I know I sure did. Do you really want to sit here and talk about grudges? Then how about the grudge that I could have towards all of you still.” Pointing to the muscular gem next to her, she added, “Or Bismuth here for that matter!” 

“Me…?” The blacksmith said, cocking her head in surprise, “Why on Earth would you have a grudge against me?” 

“Oh, you can’t be serious.” Lapis began. She trailed off first sarcastically; then, her face morphed into an expression of cold shock once she saw the blank look on Bismuth’s face, “You mean you honestly don’t recognize me from before?” 

The other gem just shrugged at her helplessly, causing the rage inside Lapis to rise like an ocean swell. Her voice managed to stay calm, but it was more like the eye of the storm during a tidal wave as she pointed out, “Bismuth, _you_ were the one who attacked me and got me stuck in that horrible mirror for over 5,000 years! How can you not remember that?” 

The sudden declaration that tumbled out of her friend’s mouth pierced through Bismuth like a sword through her gem.

After everything Lapis, Peridot and Bismuth had built together here in Little Homeworld over the last two years, no way, no, there was no way that could be _true_.

Could it…?

Searching her memory, one of her very first experiments ever testing out the principles behind the Breaking Point suddenly came crashing back to her with the force of a meteorite.

Right before she had shown the final version of the Breaking Point to Rose, Bismuth had made a smaller, more compact weapon in the form of a knuckle duster. It had done some pretty nasty damage up close since it had the same basic principle as the bigger model, but the force behind the handheld weapon still hadn’t been strong enough to shatter any of the gems that Bismuth had come across on the battlefield that day.

But the prototype _had_ managed to stop the escape of one lone terraformer that has been trying to run away from the fight.

Even now, Bismuth could remember the rush of adrenaline, the feeling of grim satisfaction that she had gotten from stopping the gem in midflight, striking a perfect blow to the gemstone right under the enemy’s wings.

At the time, she hadn’t felt a lick of sympathy for any of the Homeworld elites that she had gone up against; instead, Bismuth had only been concerned about getting one step closer to perfecting her ultimate, game-changing weapon.

It had just been—Bismuth as usual for her.

“Yeah, that was me.” Lapis said with a threadbare smile once she saw the recognition flash on the other gem’s face, “I guess you finally remember me now.” 

“I—” The builder tried to say something, _anything _to the person standing next to her, but the words fell to ash in her mouth. There was nothing she could tell her that could fix this, no apology that could make this right. What could she _ever_ say in this situation that could justify what had happened?

_Hey Lapis, sorry that I got a little trigger happy after watching so many of my friends die throughout the years, that eventually, I decided to build a weapon to shatter our enemy’s leader. Who hey, just so happened to be one of my closest friends in disguise! It looks like I got you stuck in an endless void of indentured servitude as an unintended consequence of trying to perfect mass gemicide. _

_Oops?_

Reaching over the smaller of the two put her hand over the blacksmith’s large, calloused hand. “Stop. Seriously, stop thinking about it so much. We already have one burnt out gem on our hands; I don’t think we can handle a second one right now.” The dour little gem joked in her classic deadpan.

No one found the joke very funny.

“Look, I _don’t_ hate you.” Lapis assured her, “That’s the whole point. You’re my friend now, Bismuth, and that’s what matters.” 

Despite the considerable difference in size and girth, the larger of the two couldn’t hide her flinch as their hands touched. Trembling, Bismuth held onto the palm that had been given to her with everything she had.

“I’m... so sorry.” She finally managed to stammer.

“I know you are. But I already forgave you a long time ago.” Lapis replied with a soft smile, “You could never have predicted that poofing me would lead to those soldiers mistaking me for a spy and keeping me locked in that mirror for all those centuries. And even if you could, well, I forgive you anyway. Because I don’t want to keep believing in the worst in people.” 

“Steven was the one who told me that I could change, that I could decide for _myself_ who I wanted to be.” She continued, “And I’ve decided that I don’t want to be a victim. I’m a survivor, I’m a Crystal Gem, and that’s why my time in that mirror doesn’t get to define me anymore.” 

Turning to the others, Lapis couldn’t help but goad them a little, “So do you think that if _I_ could change this much and see the bright side of things, that maybe the Diamonds can too? I’m not saying that we have to move in with them or anything here, but Steven is their family, and even if they _are_ terrible, they _do_ love him. That has to count for at least a little bit of trust on our part, doesn’t it?” 

* * *

_—Homeworld—_

So many intense emotions were radiating through Spinel; that she was barely looking where she was going as she ran. Hallways blurred and twisted, the colors of the Diamonds’ banners all jumbled together like a kaleidoscope or abstract painting.

Emotions swam through Spinel like a vortex, leaving her half-blind from the rage and grief alone, as she found herself furious at Steven Universe all over again.

If _only_ Steven hadn’t put those stupid ideas about friendship and equality in her head. If he hadn’t let her believe that she could change, that things could change, then she never would have found herself in a situation like this in the first place.

This was all his fault!

_"Remember, you **deserve** to be loved for who you are. So make sure you don’t settle for anything less, okay?”_

If Steven hadn’t convinced her that she deserved better than what she had got in the past, then Spinel could have just carried on like she always had. Things could have stayed the same, just as they had before, back when she hadn’t known any better!

Who was she even fooling anyways? How dumb did a gem have to be to think that someone like _her_ could be _equals_ to someone like the Diamonds?

Why was she trying to change in the first place when changing was so hard?

Shuddering, Spinel forced herself to stop that line of thinking before she spiraled out of control again.

She was doing it again, falling back into the same bad habits, blaming someone else for her problems because it was easier accusing him than it was to point the finger at the person she needed to.

None of this was Steven’s fault.

And it wasn’t her fault either.

Six thousand years may have passed, but she was _still_ making excuses for the Diamonds, wasn’t she?

Maybe White Diamond had never been her friend in the first place.

Up above her, the chirps and clicking noises of the robonoids were getting louder.

Despite Spinel’s best efforts to avoid them, no matter how fast she ran, there was a lot more of them than her, and she was severely outnumbered here.

It looked like their little game of ‘hide and seek’ would be over soon, and Homeworld’s matriarch had clearly won.

Spinel had tried to be a better gem.

She really, and truly had tried this time.

In the end, though, right as the robonoids began to surround her, Spinel couldn’t help wonder, do people ever really truly change?

Or do they just reveal more of their real selves over time?

Wrenching her eyes shut, the jester had all but prepared herself to be poofed when a skinny pair of hands grabbed her from behind and yanked her backward with every ounce of strength those little arms could muster.

Spilling _through_ the large diamond-shaped tapestries, past the wall, and into a tunnel, on the other side, the pair tumbled down a small flight of stairs and hit the ground at the bottom with full force.

It took her a minute to realize that the metallic claws and scanners weren’t reaching for her anymore. Once it finally registered that she hadn’t been splattered or cracked into a million tiny pieces, Spinel slowly opened one eye and took a look around her new surroundings.

Sure enough, she wasn't robonoid bait.

Instead, Spinel was safe, in a narrow little pink corridor, tangled up in the arms of a strange gem.

“Sweet Sirius A,” She groaned in relief, “I thought those bunch of torpedoes was going to get me for sure. Thanks for the save; that was a real hotsquat there for a minute!” 

“It was a close call too,” Spinel’s rescuer agreed rather congenially from her place still spilled out on the floor.

Since this person had just up and saved her life and all, Spinel decided to be the bigger gem here and not to tell her savior that yeah, that was pretty much what she had _just said._ Instead, she managed a mumble of agreement.

Turning to face the gem, the harlequin was surprised to see a pair of pink-colored buns almost the same shade as Spinel herself on the thin, petite little pearl with whom she was partly entwined.

The gem’s sweet, serene face was kind and inviting despite the large cracks that covered her left eye.

Spinel’s voice hitched in her throat, “I-It’s _you_.”

This had been the pearl that had been Pink’s companion before Spinel or the Crystal Gem’s Pearl had ever been created.

She had heard stories about the broken, damaged gem that had been taken away as a punishment for Pink’s whims. Not even their garden had kept some of the worst of the rumors from reaching Spinel’s ears.

Seeing her predecessor in the flesh now left Pink’s former playmate lost in regards to how she was supposed to act around her.

"Stars!” Pink Pearl chuckled as she moved to unwind herself from Spinel’s floppy arms, oblivious to how the other gem had gone still beside her, “You certainly must have done something _terrible_ for White Diamond to be this angry with you. If I were you, I’d keep my head down until she cools off.” 

“Yeah, I— say just what is this place anyway?” Spinel asked suspiciously, turning her discomfort outwards as her paranoia and natural distrust of people started to resurface, “And if you knew that White was after me, why did you bother helping me?” 

The pearl didn’t answer; instead, she got to her feet, dusted herself off, and reached over to extend her hand to help the other gem up.

Despite her better judgment, Spinel still found herself taking it.

“Why, what a silly question.” Pink Pearl exclaimed, “I helped you because you looked like you needed it. Isn’t that why anyone helps someone?” 

Spinel didn’t know what to do with something so genuine and wholesome, but it made her gem core twist in her chest.

“And we’re in one of Pink’s tunnels, of course.” The other gem explained, “Most of the original passageways that she asked the pebbles to build her around the throne room are all still intact. It used to be so much fun, hiding from Yellow and Blue here. So recently, I’ve been playing memory games with myself to see if I can still remember where they all go.” Beaming with fond recollection, she added, “8,000 years is enough time to start to lose track of things, after all.” 

“So, uh, do any of these tunnels lead to Blue or Yellow Diamonds’ rooms?” Spinel probed as she was suddenly very interested in this little game of hers, “I need to warn them about what I heard. White Diamond’s planning something big for Steven, a real kick-off, I think, and I gotta tell 'em before it’s too late!” 

“But are you sure that they’ll even listen to you right now?” The little pearl noted, all while still trying to be helpful, “After all, you _did_ make White awfully mad. Maybe you should wait until things blow over, for your own good.” 

“Yeah, well, I don’t have _time_ to wait for things to blow over. Besides, Blue and Yellow, they’re my friends!” Spinel stated impatiently, “If I can’t be honest with them even if it means they might get mad at me, then what’s the point of being friends in the first place?!” 

“Friends, huh?” Pink Pearl said with a fervent smile, as her memories seemed to suddenly transport her to better days, “That’s so nice.” 

“You know, I used to have a good friend like that too.” She said dreamily, lost in her own nostalgia.

It was silent for several seconds before the other gem seemed to reach a decision deep within herself. Retaking Spinel’s hand, she pulled her forward, “Come with me. I’ll help you find your friends.” 

Smiling sweetly, the handmaiden didn’t wait for Spinel to answer as she laced her fingers between the jester’s gloved digits and held them close.

_“You know, I used to have a good friend like that too.”_

So had Spinel, once upon a time.

And it certainly didn’t make her feel any less awful about how things had played out for either of them.

_To be continued…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I always thought it was fascinating that when Sugar created Spinel as a character, it was because she wanted to use her as a platform to talk about nostalgia and how it can be harmful to us not only from a pop culture point of view but from a mental health one too. 
> 
> Why are we so interested in nostalgia as humans? 
> 
> The word's origin is rooted in the Greek language and literally means “return to suffering.” Often, nostalgia is a reactive response to change, an attempt to recapture our past feelings and experiences. Many recent movies and TV shows have attempted to pander to our collective nostalgia, which is why we obsess over pop culture relics that made us feel happy - hoping that reboots and long-awaited sequels will fill us with the same joy now that it did in our youth. However, the more we cling to that, the more we ignore the fact that things have changed and that, often, those same feelings that we are trying to recapture are no longer accessible. Nostalgia can be dangerous; because it lures us in with the promise of happier times but fails to meet expectations.
> 
> This is so very Spinel when we first meet her, and in an interview for Entertainment Weekly, Sugar stated, "In that context, Spinel is like a character from this lost era of nostalgia. She’s outdated. She knows that, and it hurts her when she doesn’t understand that, she’s just so obtuse and... she knows that she’s ridiculous, and it makes her dislike herself more. It turns her in on herself more. I just find her so interesting, and I love showing that in the form of exactly what she is, which is this cartoon that has been lost to time.”
> 
> I really love the introspection Sugar took with this character, and as such, I've been trying to do her justice. Part of the reason I think I've struggled with incorporating her in the chapters so far is because of how complicated she is and that her motives aren’t always clear to me. She's in direct contrast to someone like Steven, who I mesh with and get on a very personal level. Regardless I hope I was able to succeed a least a little bit with her and appreciate you, the readers, taking the time to go through my notes as always.
> 
> Spinel translator for those who don't jive with 1930's slang:  
Torpedoes: goons, henchmen  
Hotsquat: a crude world for the electric chair or the hot seat, usually said in conjunction with when someone was about to meet their maker  
Kiss-Off: plan to murder someone.


	24. Families are like fudge – mostly sweet but with a few nuts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance if this is not the chapter everyone was expecting. The confrontation with White and Steven's awakening after chapter 22 will be in the next update, for sure (which I will try to crack out by the end of the weekend at the latest). Still, I needed to use this chapter to bring everything back together to the present tense. Like the previous update, the text would be best read with the understanding that events are taking place in between chapter 22 but solely from the perspective of people other than Steven.

_—Little Homeworld—_

“Okay, I think that’s everything. Is everybody ready then?” Bismuth asked as the large group of humans and gems began to split off into two factions in front of her. One party was all set to rescue Greg and Ruby, minus their original ring leader, while the others set out for the journey back to Homeworld.

“As ready as we’re going to be, at least.” Amethyst shrugged, repositioning Steven a little better. The unconscious boy in her arms looked really uncomfortable at the moment, but that was probably because comfort usually required awareness. He just seemed empty instead, like Steven was sunk so far into himself that he couldn’t find his way back to them.

Amethyst had somehow managed to get his clothes back on him, but now the boy’s hair was such a mess thanks to her efforts that Pearl couldn’t help the swell of emotion at seeing him like this. It reminded her just how he used to look when he was little. Back when he had been much younger, the people in Beach City must have been convinced that Steven had been raised by wolves, considering how rarely he actually combed that mop of his.

Reaching out to brush some of those scattered curls off his forehead, she let out a soft gasp when she felt him stir and lean into her touch ever so slightly, the first sign of movement from him in what had felt like hours.

“Steven?” She asked desperately, “Are you awake?” 

“Mm,” The teen’s brows scrunched ever so slightly, his voice small but hoarse, “I don’t know.” 

His eyes slowly fluttered open, but they were unfocused and cloudy. Those pink eyes seemed to look straight through her, and the distance she saw in them suddenly frightened her.

He was so far away still.

Despite her best efforts to talk to the teenager, to get him to drink some water, she was already losing him to exhaustion again. By the time they had taken the water bottle away from his pale, chapped lips, Steven was already slipping back into unconsciousness.

“Alright, listen up, you pack of Martian battleaxes! _Somebody_ better tell me where that meatball-headed nephew of mine is hiding, and they better do it quick if they know what’s good for 'em.” A thick New York accent belted out from Little Homeworld’s gates, “Cuz, if that kid actually thinks he can just hang up on me like that, well, then he’s got another thing coming. I don’t care how cute that little jerk is!” 

To the shock of everyone, the intruder had managed to expertly parallel park a medium-sized private airplane directly adjacent to both sides of the entrance, effectively blocking everyone inside.

It was a rather impressive sight. For being a rude and all-around inconsiderate way to get attention anyway.

“You know, I’m starting to think Little Homeworld needs a gate or something.” Bismuth snorted as she lightly nudged Lapis’s shoulder with her arm, “That’s twice now in three hours that some angry idiot on a rampage has just walked in here like they own the place.” 

“My vote’s for a pitfall trap,” Lapis agreed, “Preferably one with a trick door and some sharp pointy sticks.” 

“Andy…?” Pearl murmured, slightly flabbergasted to see the crusty old pilot stomping towards her. “What on earth are you doing here?” 

“What do you mean, what am I doing here?” He thundered once he made it to where she was standing, “I tell you, people, that Greg’s been arrested for being a domestic terrorist and what, you expected me to just go on about my day here?!” Glowering at her, the man threw up his hands, “What do you think happened, huh? I turned my plane around and flew all night to get here in case you guys needed some help; that’s what happened! I know when something fishy is going on, and this right here, this _reeks_. I mean c’mon, if Greg’s a terrorist, then I’m the Queen of England.” 

“Andy, that’s actually—well, _nice_ of you.” Pearl said honestly.

For all his bluster, Andy didn’t do too well under praise like that.

And the sincerity he saw in Pearl’s face immediately managed to take the wind right out of his sails.

The fire dying down a little in his belly, the man looked down at the ground and scoffed, “Yeah? Well, nice ain’t got nothing to do with it. It’s just that family helps family, y’ know?” Rubbing his head apologetically, he added, “Hey, look, I’m sorry for calling Steven a meatball back there. Guess I just wasn’t used to him blowing me off like that. He’s usually a lot more polite than that deadbeat old man of his. Say, where is the little turkey anyway?” 

“Yo.” Amethyst chimed in from a few feet away, raising one hand as best she could without dropping her precious cargo.

At first, Andy couldn’t tell what she was holding, but when he realized it was the motionless form of his nephew, several very complicated feelings swam through the older man’s face. He looked for all accounts like someone had just punched him in the gut.

“_Steven?!_”

Bolting forward, the pilot reached out to touch the boy’s shoulder, “Hey pal, c’mon, answer me. What are you doing sleeping at a time like this, huh?” Recoiling, the man was shocked at just how hot and clammy the kid’s skin was even through his shirt, and worse, Steven was breathing like his lungs were full of marbles.

“What happened to him?” Andy asked quietly.

Before she could answer, a little spasm jerked through the teenager in question, and Steven groaned before spilling out a small, gurgled cough. Dots of blood and bile dripped onto the towel that was currently being used to cover him up like a blanket.

Usually, spit from Steven Universe meant a colorful manifestation of sparkles followed by the miraculous display of his healing powers. This time though, there was nothing but flecks of red and signs of the teen’s obvious pain.

Further proof that his diamond was breaking down just as badly as his human body was right now.

“We don’t know what’s wrong with him.” Amethyst lamented as she tried to wipe the blood off the corner of his mouth, “That’s why we’re taking him back to Homeworld. The Diamonds’ll know what’s going on with him; they just have to.” Her voice breaking, the gem stammered, “I mean, after everything that both Steven and Rose went through to get him here, his gem just _ can’t _ stop working like this. It isn’t fair.” 

“Okay, okay, alright.” Andy said, taking a deep breath, “So you girls say that your home planet and those giant space ladies can fix him. We can work with that,” He acknowledged before gently scooting them towards the warp pad, “Now, what the heck are you all still doing here?” Looking straight at the two of them, the pilot’s eyes softened with what some might even mistake for affection as he added, “Don’t you worry about Greg, alright, Pearl? You two just focus on taking care of our boy right now. I’ll look after the rest of our family until you both get back.” 

Six thousand years on a planet with human beings, and they could still manage to surprise Pearl sometimes.

For someone as rough around the edges and unpleasant as Andy was at times, to call them family and _mean_ it the way he did just then, well, it was something she had honestly never expected.

The sudden surge of affection she had for the cantankerous man surprised her too.

Twenty years ago, Pearl _never _would have considered that caring for a human was something that she was even capable of.

But thanks to Steven, all of the gems were learning that family really did come in all kinds of shapes and sizes.

Even angry, Andy shaped ones.

“We know you will.” Pearl answered back as she clasped his arm for a brief moment before heading towards the warp pad along with Amethyst, Lapis, Connie, and Lars.

“Good luck, everyone,” Sapphire uttered to them, conflicted by the decision she had made to stay behind and help the other team instead.

The quartet stepped onto the marble platform with little fanfare and gave their loved ones one final wave before they disappeared into a prism of light, unsure of just what would await them back on Homeworld once they got there.

Once the first group was gone, Peridot wasted little time moving towards the older human so she could debrief him, “Welcome aboard Operation: Prison Break, Mandy. We were short a crucial person after Steven collapsed, but with you volunteering for this mission, that puts all of our original operators back into play. However, unlike Steven, you seem to lack all the necessary social skills or the sheer likeability required for the role he was assigned. So we may need to consider alternative placements in the ranks.” 

“Wow, uh, thanks, I think. Happy to be here.” The pilot muttered as he looked down at her, “And it’s Andy, by the way.” 

“No, I’m pretty sure that you’re mistaken.” Peridot corrected him as she flipped through various tabs on her tablet, “I clearly remember it being Mandy.” 

“Call me crazy, Tiny, but I _think_ I remember my own name. Y’know seeing as I’ve only had it for the last 45 years and all.” Andy grumbled. Reaching over, he took the tablet out of the gem’s hand before she could protest so he could skim through her notes, “But nevermind that. What plan? Here, let me see that for a sec.” 

“Hey!” She cried out, making grabby hands at him to give it back, only to have the man push her out of his personal space as if she was a misbehaving dog.

“I _swear_, the next human that puts their horrible touch stumps all over my stuff —!” The little gem raged as she slipped back into old habits and tried to find the remote for her attack drones.

“Seriously, you might want to take it down a notch, Peewee, before you start frothing at the mouth.” The man commented, “You know, this actually isn’t a bad idea. This could work, and you don’t even have to change anything but your approach. I mean, I might not be Steven Universe here, but _never_ underestimate the power of the angry, entitled American consumer.” Patting his chest, he added, “And I don’t mean to brag or nothing, but there isn’t a manager in the Western Hemisphere that can out-argue Andy Demayo.” 

* * *

—_The Warp Stream—_

Traveling by warp wasn’t particularly unpleasant by any means, but it was still somewhat on the cold side, which made sense, considering the stream was surrounded on both sides by the vast expanse of space. A few minutes after the gems started the journey, Amethyst felt the boy in her arms shiver and finally began to stir a little.

Steven tugged his eyes open sluggishly, and this time when Pearl called out to him, he seemed to recognize her through the haze. The teen’s pupils were two different sizes, though, which was a little concerning, but at least he was awake.

“Hold on, alright? Just hold on.” 

Pearl cupped his face with both hands as she tried to reassure him, “We’re taking you back to Homeworld. The Diamonds are going to be able to fix you right up, you’ll see.” 

The youth let out a little hum instead of answering her outright, that soft tenor of his hardly more than a whisper.

He was running out of strength, stumbling over even the barest breaths, as his little tremors of air shook through him.

And the fear that Pearl had been ignoring for the last hour or so was suddenly becoming very real now that she could see just how much he was struggling.

She had witnessed plenty of humans die before in the War, and while their last moments had been tragic, it had been nothing to mourn over in the face of Rose’s great cause.

After all, all organic life eventually decayed.

That was simply the nature of corporeal beings, just as it was in a gem’s nature to be transcendental.

But now that Pearl saw those same, fading signs of life in the boy that she loved so much, the very thought that that tender heart of his might stop beating was more than she could bear.

Fighting back all those horrific thoughts, the gem focused on everything she could do to keep him awake.

As long as Steven just stayed awake, he’d be okay.

“You know I heard what you said back there, to Lapis.” She confessed to him, trying to fight off tears and be brave for him even though she knew she was doing a terrible job at it. “About Rose being here instead of you.” 

For a second, Steven looked up at her with concern before his fingers twitched a little as he tried and failed to lift his hands to touch her.

_That’s just like my baby, though_, She thought miserably to herself, _trying to comfort **me** when he’s the one that’s hurting like this._

“Oh, Steven,” The gem whispered, “You have to know by now just how much we all love you. Of course, I still miss your mother sometimes, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want you. If I ever lost you, I wouldn’t be able to stand it. Please, I need you to believe that.” 

Pearl watched something painful pass through the teen’s feverish expression, and for a moment, he looked so sad it nearly broke her heart.

Steven was too sick to be able to lie or hide his feelings right now. So it was apparent from the crushed look he was wearing that he _didn’t_ believe her. But despite the sadness lingering on his face, the youth was still so kind towards her as he rasped, “You’re nice. But… I don’t think you’re real.” 

Steven always tried to be kind to other people, even at the expense of himself sometimes.

“I’m not?” Pearl asked in surprise, glancing at Amethyst as they both wondered if it was the fever or something else that was compelling him to say what he had, “What makes you say that?” 

He mumbled something incoherent about making people up without meaning to; however, before she could ask him about it any further, Steven did a funny little full-body twitch before his eyes began to roll back into his head.

And then she was losing him all over again.

“Steven, stay with me!” Pearl urged him, as the boy’s lungs deflated, his airways partially blocked again. “You need to stay awake until we get there.” 

The light from Homeworld’s portal was coming into view from a distance.

It would be only a few minutes now; he just needed to hold on.

“Just keep talking to me; tell me the reason.” She begged him, “Tell me the reason you think that I’m not real. Tell me anything, just don’t fall asleep!” 

Fighting to stay awake, Steven groaned and sank further into Amethyst’s chest. Struggling with each word at this point, he choked out, “You’re nice… but you’re not her.” 

“Because _my_ Pearl would… never say something like that,” He said deliriously before a raw gurgling sound bubbled up from his throat, and the rest of the words were lost to violent, hacking coughs. Before Pearl could call him back, those glassy eyes of his were already sliding shut again as pain and lack of oxygen pulled the teen back into the dark.

Nearly out of his mind and barely able to speak, he had still sounded so sure of what he was saying right until the moment he faded away. And it hurt Pearl to know Steven was convinced that she was either lying to him right now or a hallucination that he had brought to life.

Pearl would probably never stop missing Rose, but she had moved on enough to accept that Steven was here to stay. She couldn’t imagine her life without him anymore. So he _had_ to know just how much he meant to her by now, right?

But as the reality of what he had said to her sunk in, she realized that, no, Steven _ didn’t _ know that did he?

Because she had never told him.

Pearl had always just assumed that he knew how they all felt about him. She had never said it directly to him, though.

In fact, _none_ of the Crystal Gems had ever told him that.

So it was no wonder he had been so convinced that she wasn’t real.

Covering her mouth with her hand to keep a sob from escaping out, Pearl wasn’t sure if she would ever be able to forgive herself for making her little boy think that way.

“You’re wrong, Steven; it isn’t like that at all.” Pearl tried to explain to him even though she knew he couldn’t hear her.

His breathing was starting to stagnate, making the silence stretch out unnaturally. Each intake of air got further and further apart every time his chest moved, his gasps quieting into much weaker little puffs.

Hiking him up further on her shoulder, Amethyst tried pounding on the half-gem’s back to see if that gesture alone could make him spit up whatever was causing him to choke in the first place. It seemed to help a little bit at first, but there were so many bigger issues going on inside his body that they just couldn’t see. All her efforts wound up accomplishing were sending a few new rivets of blood spilling down her shoulder blade as the teen continued to wheeze every so often.

“C’mon dude, don’t do this to us!” She cried out, feeling each meager little intake of air he took growing fainter and fainter, “Look, we’re almost there; you just have to hang on a little longer!” 

But his flesh and bones had all but exhausted themselves to the point of no return. Steven Universe had triumphed over a lot of adversity over the years, but even he couldn’t win the battle against his own body.

Held close in the arms of someone who loved him, the boy exhaled once, letting out a soft sigh that sounded almost peaceful despite all the fluid in his lungs.

Before Steven just stopped moving altogether.

_To be continued…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, now that we’ve gotten through all that angst, how about some more diamond and physics stuff?
> 
> In the past decade or so, diamonds have emerged as one of the most versatile study materials within physics. They’ve been used in quantum optics, magnetometry, laser development, and color center physics experiments. Why? Well, diamonds put the brakes on light like no other known colorless substance known on Earth can. Diamonds are also crammed to the teeth with electrons— seriously, no material you have ever seen has atoms more densely packed than diamonds—so this explains why they make such great conductors of heat, light, and electricity. Diamonds also have the ability to absorb light in both the infrared and ultraviolet regions of the electromagnetic spectrum, where a lot of other materials just melt or blow up if they try. 
> 
> Now let’s talk about photonic crystals. These things are composed of tiny nanostructures that affect electromagnetic waves. Once upon a time, we all thought that electricity and magnetism were two separate forces. Still, we now believe in a unified theory of electromagnetism and have concluded that they’re both. EM radiation produces oscillating electric and magnetic fields that bundle into light energy called photons. Photonic crystals are used by sending wavelengths out to trap photons to create even more enhanced atomic emission of light than the protons themselves. 
> 
> So why is this important to our story? 
> 
> Well, because in many experiments involving the physics of light, scientists have used photonic crystals to zap photons directly into diamonds to get them to become conduits of energy. Now, for the purposes of this story, shooting protons into diamonds using photonic crystals is kind of the physics equivalent to giving said diamond a bunch of steroids or a psychotropic drug and letting it loose on the world. 
> 
> Messing around with the atoms in anything too much could wind up ultimately destroying it, or in the case of the diamond (basically burning it out, pulling it out of its metastable state, and returning it back to a hunk of graphite). But, if you were able to give an impure diamond just the right amount of photons, then it’s theoretically possible that said gem could become a superconductor of energy. 
> 
> Does it start to make sense why Steven was going off the deep end now and why he’s having such a bad time? Being bombarded with an oversaturation of photonic light would make any unsuspecting Diamond of even the soundest of minds start to go crazy, especially if White's just been randomly dumping crystals all over town, hoping that Steven will walk under one eventually. 
> 
> You see, the kicker here is that perfect diamonds can’t ever become superconductors of energy. Only a flawed, imperfect diamond with nitrogen impurities can. If you consider that 96% of the human body is made up of just four elements: oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, and nitrogen, Steven is the perfect candidate to be this type of imperfect diamond. Even if Pink Diamond’s gem is flawless like the other Diamonds, Steven’s human and gem parts aren’t completely separate from one another. They have to achieve a symbiotic relationship somehow, or else he wouldn’t be able to exist. So he’s basically a perfect diamond filling that’s wrapped around a squishy nitrogen-based coating. With that said, where she stunted Pink’s growth and kept her a child in the past, White has decided to overcompensate now with Steven and turn him into the best darn diamond he can. Whether he likes it or not. 
> 
> In the mind of the narcissist, this is actually a kind of standard behavior. An example of that would be a case I know of where a narcissist actually put Windex into their “fat” daughter's food for months, mildly poisoning them in an attempt to make them throw up and lose weight. All for their kid’s benefit, according to the narcissist. White genuinely thinks she’s helping Steven and that she is making up for her earlier behavior with Pink by fostering his potential in this situation. Like very young children, narcissists cannot see the situation from any position other than their own. As far as they are concerned, there is only one correct way to think. They cannot relate to the idea that there can be equally valid but different ways of viewing any particular situation. NPDs also have little or no emotional empathy. That means that an NPD usually does not feel bad when they hurt someone else, especially if they believe that what they are doing is justified.
> 
> Phew, okay, I'm done. Jiminy Cricket, I think I just scienced myself out for the day. As always, guys, thanks for reading and for allowing me to unload this quantum nerdom on you all.


	25. Nothing turns to hate so quickly as what once was love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh man, so who else needed a bathtub full of bourbon and a Xanax after the last two Steven Universe Future episodes? I won't spoil it for those who haven't seen them yet, but yikes. The reveal of Steven's larger mental health issues made me think about how he got to where he is from the SU movie's ending and how I can continue to keep this story as in sync with canon as possible. 
> 
> That led me to revisit my notes once again and rehaul some of the story to better fit in with canon. While I've been lucky enough to hit on several of the mental health problems I always _thought_ he was dealing with, I was thrown for a loop with some of the others recently brought to light by Little Graduation and Prickly Pear. 
> 
> So what does that mean for this chapter?
> 
> It means flashbacks, Steven feelings of all shapes and sizes, but no White Diamond confrontation. I apologize for that and promise she'll be front and center next update; however, I really wanted to use this chapter to tie my version of Steven in a little closer to the Steven Universe Future version. 
> 
> As always, thanks so much for reading and commenting everyone, you have no idea how much I appreciate your continued support.

_—The Maheswaran Residence—_

_Three days before Spinel’s attack on Beach City…_

Priyanka Maheswaran opened the front door to her brownstone to hear the sounds of laughter spilling out from her kitchen.

“_Steven, no!”_ Connie’s voice shrieked as the surgeon made her way to the doorway, “Don’t you do it! Just put the condiments down, and no one has to get hurt.” 

Dr. Maheswaran was met with the sight of the two teenagers making an afternoon snack in the kitchen. Their backs were turned to the woman, completely unaware of her presence as the pair worked shoulder to shoulder in perfect harmony to make a small stack and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

“Steven, _yes_.” The boy at her daughter’s side replied as he sliced a dill pickle in half and spread the pieces over one of his sandwiches, “The pickle elevates the sandwich to a whole other level, Connie—I never knew peanut butter had such a tangy soulmate!” 

“Why can’t you just eat food like a _normal_ person?” The girl whined as she watched him take a big bite out of his creation just to spite her.

“Are you insinuating that I’m not normal?” Steven exclaimed in mock outrage, clutching his heart, “Frankly, I’m a little disappointed in you. What happened to your sense of adventure?” 

“It isn’t my sense of adventure that’s the problem here. It’s the fact that having aliens cook for you for all these years has obviously made _you_ deranged—" She started before whatever else she wanted to say was cut off as he reached over and spread a small dollop of peanut butter on her nose.

“Oh ho, you’ve gone and done it now, buster!” Connie snarled as she dove for him and the jar of peanut butter. Steven narrowly avoided being tackled, and the two quickly devolved into hysterics from there.

The teens weaved around each other in a way that was so natural and intimate that it was more like a dance than a food fight. And despite all their childish heckling, Dr. Maheswaran couldn’t suddenly help but feel a small twinge of parental concern at how close the two were right now.

Clearing her throat as loudly as she could, the doctor decided that enough was enough and to make her presence known.

As she expected, it had the intended effect.

Both teenagers jumped about ten feet in the air once they realized they had an audience, almost dropping their various condiments onto the floor.

“Oh, Mom.” Connie sputtered as she instantly released Steven from the chokehold she had managed to get him in, “You’re home early.” 

“Hi, Dr. Maheswaran.” The half-gem chimed in politely, wiping some jelly off his cheek.

“Hello, Steven.” The doctor said with a reserved smile before turning to her daughter and the stack of sandwiches. “Aren’t you going to spoil your appetite with all of those, Connie? Remember, we’re all going out to dinner tonight as soon as your father gets home.” 

“I’ll be fine, ma’am.” Connie answered dutifully, “If not, I can just send Steven home with a doggie bag for Amethyst.” 

“Well, then have you finished packing for Space Camp yet, young lady?” The woman decided to ask instead.

“Of course.” Came her daughter's easy reply as she spun out a small white lie. “Steven and I were just finishing, weren’t we?” 

“Uh...yes?” The other teen contributed helpfully. 

Grabbing the plate of sandwiches off the counter along with his hand, the girl pulled him up the stairs towards her room before either party could protest.

“Bye, Dr. Maheswaran,” Steven called as he was dragged along.

“And I want that door open at all times, you two!” Priyanka shouted from the kitchen.

* * *

“Sorry about that.” Connie apologized once they got up to her room. “Now that it’s on her radar, though, I probably _should _pack.” 

“Fine by me.” He remarked, “But why’s she so worried? You aren’t leaving for another couple of days.” 

“Well, you know us Maheswarans are all about being prepared.” The swordswoman said as she tried to get her mom’s tone and inflection just right, “Besides, if you don’t pack early _now_, then you can’t overpack _later_.” 

Snorting, Steven shook his head, “The Universes and the Maheswarans come from two very different worlds. My dad says as long as you have a clean pair of underwear and a toothbrush, you can usually make up the rest as you go.” 

“Sound advice, but not all of us can travel the Greg Universe way.” Connie chuckled.

“Hey, don’t knock it until you try it.” He insisted, waving his peanut butter and pickle sandwich at her to drive home his point.

Letting her work in peace, Steven polished off the rest of his snack and turned his attention to the pile of brochures scattered across the end of her bed.

“What are these?” He inquired curiously, holding up a few of the colorful pamphlets.

“Oh, just some college brochures.” Connie answered as she rummaged through her wardrobe, “Mom says it’s never too early to start weighing your options, you know. Especially since I’m starting all my AP classes in the fall.” Rolling up the bundle of clothes she had selected for the trip, the girl chucked them towards her friend since he was right next to her bed, “Heads up!” 

The shirts hit Steven dead center in the chest, but he made no effort whatsoever to reach for them, as his whole body had gone shock-still instead.

“Wow. Nice catch.” She joked, poking her head out of the closet.

To her surprise, the color had completely drained out of her friend’s face.

In fact, he looked downright panic-struck.

“Hey. You okay over there?” Connie asked in concern.

Jolting with a start, the sound of her voice brought him back to the moment.

“Mmhmm.” Steven answered quickly, far too fast to be even the slightest bit convincing, “I was just, I mean—” Coughing into his fist, the boy made a lousy attempt to hide the anxiety in his voice as he blurted, “Aren’t a few of those all the way across the country though? That’s pretty far away, don’t you think?” 

“Says the guy who has a magical lion that can create wormholes through space.” His best friend teased as she bent down to pick the pile of clothes off the ground.

Steven didn’t even offer to help, which was really off-kilter for him.

Raising an eyebrow, Connie was seriously thrown off by how shaken up he seemed right now. “Steven, what’s going on with you? It’s like not I’m deciding anything right this second, I’m just getting some ideas.” 

“I know that.” The boy said defensively, “And there’s nothing wrong with me. It’s great that you’re getting a head start on all this stuff.” 

“Is it?” The girl remarked cooly as she dropped her clothes on her bed.

Connie knew Steven Universe’s tells well enough by now to know when he was full of it.

“Great, I mean,” She clarified.

Letting out a sigh, his shoulders slumped, and he knew he was acting weird. 

“Of course, it is.” He assured her, the sincerity in his voice a strange contrast to the apprehension she could still see on his face. “Wherever you decide to go, they’re going to be lucky to have you, Connie.” Steven told her honestly, “We both know that you’re going to change the world.” 

_Aw, dang it, Universe._

How on earth could she possibly stay annoyed at him now?

Tugging on a brittle smile for her sake, he admitted, “I guess it just caught me off guard a little, that’s all.” 

There was a lot more going on here than just being taken by surprise, but for now, she decided not to press the issue.

Sitting down, Connie pulled him onto the edge of the bed beside her. Opening up one of the brochures, the young woman spread it out on both their laps so they could look at it together, “Well, have _you_ ever considered going to college? It might not be as impressive as saving the galaxy, but who knows, you might just like it.” 

Staring at the colorful pictures and the information written on the pages, Steven seemed entranced for a few seconds before reality sunk back in, and the joy quickly faded from his eyes.

“I’m not really sure that I’m college material, Connie.” He stated with a self-deprecating little shrug as he folded the brochure and handed it back to her, “But thanks, though.” 

Something about the defeated way he said that made Connie suddenly angrier than she had been in a long time.

Sure, Steven was a little naïve when it came to many human social conventions and Earth customs, but her best friend was intelligent in so many ways besides just conventional wisdom. 

He was a natural problem solver, not to mention intuitive and patient, which made him a great mentor. All of those were skills you couldn’t learn in school.

Steven was also almost as big a bookworm as she was. In the last three years, the two of them had practically read every book in the Buddwick Public Library together — _even_ some of the encyclopedias on tax law thanks to Mr. Universe's recent climb up income tax brackets.

He was a lot of things, but Steven _wasn’t_ stupid.

“Well, why not?” She coaxed, shaking his leg, “You’re obviously smart enough. And I’m sure that Pearl could file with the state of Delmarva to get you a homeschool-issued high school diploma. So, what’s stopping you?” 

“It’s not that it doesn’t sound nice,” He stammered, visibly getting uncomfortable again, “But the Gems still really need me.” 

“Besides,” The boy reasoned, “Why would I want to leave when I still have so much that I have to do right here in Beach City?” 

“The big speech that I have to give with the Diamonds in a few days is the last step to dismantling the rest of the empire. When that’s over, I can finally come home and actually enjoy things for a while.” Allowing himself to be wistful, Steven let out a contented sigh, “After all these years of hard work, everything’s coming together. It feels like we’ve finally reached our ‘Happily Ever After,’ you know? So right now, I just really want to focus on that.” 

Biting her lip, Connie looked down at the floor. “Steven,” She hesitated before clasping his hand again, “I _love_ that you care about Beach City the way that you do. And you’re right; if anyone deserves a break to enjoy life for a little while, it’s you but—well,” Struggling to find the words, she murmured, “Happily ever after might not be as long as you think it will be.” 

Connie knew she was taking a risk, but she decided to press the issue anyway, “What are you going to do _after _all that?” 

“I’m not sure what you mean.” Her friend replied, his brow furrowing, “After _what?_” 

“Well, it’s just that eventually, Little Homeworld will be finished, and you said it yourself the empire is pretty much dissolved now.” Faltering, she knew, wasn’t explaining herself very well, and that made this difficult topic even harder to talk about. Still, she soldiered on, “So it seems natural to assume that the Gems won’t really need you to be so involved anymore. That’s all.” 

The stifled choke that slipped out of Steven sounded so painful to her; that it instantly made her raise her eyes to look at him. Even though he didn’t say anything aloud, the look on his face said what he was thinking as loudly as if he had shouted it.

_They… won’t need me?_

Suddenly, all the friendly energy and fun from earlier seemed so far away. Both teens felt horrible since the room's tension was now as thick as all those uneaten peanut butter sandwiches. 

“Listen, I really should finish packing before my dad gets back.” Connie said tersely as she got to her feet, “So, um, maybe you should go.” 

“Yeah, sure thing.” He agreed, slightly stand-offish, as he moved to the door to leave. 

“But I’ll still try to come by your house after your big speech so that you can see me off, okay?” She assured him, trying to steer the conversation back to something pleasant. 

"Sounds good.” Steven replied, rather flatly. 

“Do me a favor, though, will you, Jam Bud?” She asked, tugging him back by his shirt before he could leave, “You know better than anyone that you don’t have to decide on your future right now.” Shoving the brochure back in his palm, Connie closed her fingers around his, so he had to take it. “So please promise me that you won’t give up on this without at least thinking about it?” 

* * *

The drive home was a bit of a blur after that, but their whole conversation had managed to the world off its axis.

_Crud._

He had absolutely _hated_ the look on Connie’s face back there. It wasn’t that what she was saying didn’t make sense because Connie _always_ made sense at times like these. But for a moment, it had almost felt like she was pitying him. The thought of the girl he was head over heels for, feeling sorry for him, hurt so much worse than getting kicked in the gut by a gem monster ever could.

It was more than that, too, though; he _had_ just shrugged off the whole idea without thinking it through. Back when he was a kid, he had given up on college without even really knowing what it was in the first place. School had just never seemed like much of a priority before. He had always been too preoccupied with missions with the Gems and all this magical destiny stuff.

Maybe she was right. He shouldn’t just brush the idea off this time. At least not until he gave it some serious thought. 

And if he was honest with himself, the brochure had made college look like something exciting and new. Monsters and galactic wars pretty were old hat for him by now, but this, this was uncharted territory for him.

So the moment Steven got home, he locked himself in his room and read the pamphlet from cover to cover about ten separate times. Then he got online afterward and started checking out a few of the local universities.

“What would I even study, though?” He rattled off to himself, “I mean, I know I want to keep helping people, but I’m not sure where I could take that.” 

Regardless, Steven was really surprised by the sheer amount of pleasure he was getting just from exploring his options here. Even if nothing came of all this, he realized that he was still having a lot of fun just dreaming about the possibilities.

“Steven, are you coming down for dinner?” Pearl called from the railing, suddenly breaking him out of his thoughts.

“Coming!” He shouted back. Closing his laptop, the teen shoved the original pamphlet clumsily into his back pocket and raced down the stairs, not noticing at all when the paper managed to slip out his jeans and landed in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the steps.

Trailing behind him, since it was _her_ dinner time too a fluffy little calico cat instantly noticed however what the boy himself had not.

* * *

_—The Beach House—_

_The next morning…_

“GUUUUYS!” The teenager hollered down from his spot on the top of the stairs, “I’m taking the warp pad back to Homeworld so that I can finish helping the Diamonds. So you have to hug me goodbye now or else risk dealing with all that hug withdrawal later.” 

“I wouldn’t take that chance if I were you,” He added for good measure. But there seemed to be no takers, which was kind of weird for the Gems.

"Guys?” 

“Steven,” Garnet replied cryptically from below, “Can you come down here for a moment? We all have something very important that we need to talk to you about.” 

The severe tone in his caretaker’s voice unnerved him, so the curly-haired teen quickly did as he was told.

“Hey, what’s up?” He asked as he made his way into the sitting room where all three gems were huddled together, looking rather solemn.

Why were they acting so serious right now?

“Is everything okay?” Steven inquired, sitting down at the far end of cushions somewhat hesitantly, “Did something bad happen?” 

His three guardians just stared at him for several long uncomfortable seconds before Pearl finally spoke up. “Steven,” She said somberly before holding up his brochure, “I think we need to talk about this, don’t you?” 

“Oh.” The teen said guilty once he realized he had been caught. So that was what all the rigid body language and serious faces were about.

Falling into his old habit of making sure to safeguard their feelings, Steven was quickly trying to find a way to downplay things. “That thing? Oh, yeah, you know that was just something Connie gave me. I wasn’t really serious about it, though.” 

“Nonsense!” Pearl exclaimed, bolting forward in excitement, “Why would you _ever_ say something like that?! The three of us haven’t been able to stop talking about it all night. This is a wonderful idea, Steven!” 

Heart thundering in his chest, Steven was shocked to hear those words come out of her mouth. The shock quickly was replaced by the swell of relief and well _happiness_ that bubbled up inside him just from hearing her say that.

“Yeah?” The boy asked, unable to hide his unbridled delight. Running a hand through his messy hair, he confessed, “I mean, it was just a crazy idea at first, but do you guys really think I can do it?” 

“Of course, you can do it, dude!” Amethyst beamed, “And we’ll all be there to help you every step of the way.” 

“Be there to help me…?” He repeated suddenly, very, _very_ confused. “Wait. What are _you _guys talking about?”

“Uh, _duh_.” The purple gem next to him scoffed, “We’re talking about making a school of our own just like the one in your brochure here. Now that the empire’s all dismantled and Little Homeworld’s almost finished, it’s the perfect time to start helping all those gems that are still struggling to adapt here on Earth.” 

“Why?” She wondered, raising a brow at him, “What did _you_ think we were talking about?” 

“Uh, well I…” Struggling to come up with an answer on the spot, he just sort of trailed off instead. For reasons Steven didn’t even fully understand himself, his heart felt like it had just dropped into his stomach. His insides were all twisted up now, the acid pooling in his guts, making everything raw and bitter.

“Steven, are you alright?” Garnet inquired, concerned that his sudden crestfallen face meant he was feeling ill.

The three of them were staring at him really intensely again.

And stars, they all looked so happy.

He couldn’t disappoint them.

So Steven did what he usually did in this kind of situation, he lied.

“Oh, hey r-right!” He grinned, recovering from his disappointment quickly so that his voice only cracked a little. “A school for all the gems. Yeah, you guys caught me; that was exactly what I had in mind.” 

“We’re so proud of you for thinking about the future like this, Steven.” Garnet praised as she reached across the cushions to ruffle his hair, “With a school, we can do so much more than just liberate the gems from Homeworld. Now we can create a way to help all of them find their place in this new world. We can support them in a safe environment so they can change and reach their true potential.” 

The hand on his head usually made him feel warm and loved, but right now, it just made him feel claustrophobic instead. Steven wanted to break away from the hold, but he didn’t since she only had the best intentions at heart. So he let out a sigh and counted to ten, forcing the tightness in his chest to dislodge itself. It didn’t take long after that for him put his hurt feelings to bed once he focused on their happiness instead.

Besides, it was better this way. The Gems were right. They could do so much good with a school like this, and it could help so many gems in the long run. He couldn’t be selfish here. Not when everyone was depending on him. 

“Yeah,” Steven said weakly, putting on his best plastic smile for them, “It’s gonna be great.” 

* * *

_Steven’s Mind_

_The Present…_

When you die, they say your life flashes before your eyes.

But Steven didn’t experience a whole movie reel full of scenes and memories laid out for him like you saw on TV specials. Instead, he revisited just a few scattered moments in time that had signified when everything had started to fall apart for him. 

That day had been the first crack in his armor, and little by little more pieces had started chipping away, leaving him vulnerable and unsure how to deal with these complicated feelings. Leading up to Spinel's confrontation and everything else that had happened to bring him to this moment. 

The events that had taken place in his mindscape also felt so far away now. The teenager knew it must have _just_ happened to him, but he was already losing all the fine details of what had transpired back there with the other Steven. Like a dream that was hard to remember after waking up, that part of himself was now locked away and fading from his personality.

Even though he was conscious now, Steven was still locked inside the blackness behind his eyelids, unable to move at all. It was so dark and cold in this endless space that the boy couldn’t help but wonder if maybe he was going to die after all.

“When I was little, all I wanted was to be someone like you, Mom.” He confessed to the darkness, “But I also still wanted to be someone like me too.” A sharp laugh bubbled up inside of him, and he couldn’t believe the sheer ridiculousness of it all, “I was _so_ stupid, wasn’t I? Of course, neither of those people ended up being the real me. All I do anymore is keep telling people over and over again that I’m not _you_, that I’m not Pink Diamond, that I’m not a kid anymore. But besides that, I have absolutely _no idea_ who I really am.” 

“How could someone like that, who doesn’t even know who he is, save anyone?” 

A light sparked in the dark, illuminated the pitch with an intense heat that started to build up inside him too.

“It doesn’t matter, though, does it?” He whispered bitterly, “None of this matters.” 

“No one wants me, anyways.” Steven realized miserably, “Not the real me at least. The only reason the Gems ever wanted me in the first place was because I’ve tried so hard to be the version of me that was just the best version of _you_.” 

“Nothing I did was ever going to be enough for them, was it?” He asked himself, “_I_ was never going to be enough for them. They were all just going to leave me eventually anyway.” 

He hated all of them for making him feel this way.

But he hated himself for letting it happen _so _much more.

Rage and resentment flickered, no, _blazed_ through his body now, and Steven found himself reaching for every ugly thought he had ever had.

For years, his negative emotions had felt like they were a never-ending well of bitterness, one that he had constantly had to fight with to keep from spilling over. Now that he was tapping into it, they barely felt like a puddle compared to what he could be. 

He had never even known that a human heart _could_ hold this much hatred inside it.

“I’ve been trying to be someone worthy of love my entire life,” He declared, his usually gentle voice strange and cold now, “And it’s _ruined_ me. But I get it now, Mom. I think I finally understand. Love like theirs, love like _yours_… it’s poison, and I don’t want it anymore.” 

Toxic pink fire was beginning to blaze behind Steven’s eyes, irradiated and terrible, but he welcomed it.

“Love like that can’t save anything.” 

The crackle of electromagnetic energy was building up inside him, roaring like a maelstrom as waves of flames and lighting turned the darkness as bright as day.

The force hurt as it enveloped him, burning through his insides, ripping at his organs and into his cells like millions of tiny knives. But he didn’t care; he was too angry to care about something as trivial as pain anymore.

As far as he was concerned, he didn’t care about anything anymore; this power could have him. He’d let Pink Diamond’s gem consume every part of him, wash away everything he used to be in a sea of electric death if it just meant that he could _finally_ be strong enough never to let anyone use him ever again.

_To be continued…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty, so while we’ve gone over some symptoms and patterns of behavior regarding narcissists today, I’d like to talk a little more about people-pleasers, especially since our boy Steven definitely qualifies as one.
> 
> First off, all people-pleasers start off as parent pleasers.
> 
> People-pleasing behaviors manifest early in childhood to maintain connection and closeness with parents who are inconsistently available to their children. Often, parents of people-pleasers are too worried about their own troubles in tune with their children's feelings and thoughts. Because of their preoccupation, the parents of a people-pleaser often blow hot and cold. One moment they might be affectionate and loving, and the next distant, or absent, and this is very confusing for the child. In the end, the parent struggles to be emotionally connected and available to their child consistently. The child picks up on this and moves to protect their parent and their feelings so the child can remain connected to them. The kicker here is that in many cases, parents of people-pleasers can be incredibly warm and loving, but their lack of stability is still very damaging to a young psyche. Due to this inconsistency, people-pleasing children get to be very good at propping up their parents emotionally. They start tracking their loved ones' moods and checking in frequently, striving to make parents proud, stifling their own needs, and doing their best to be very, very good and not rock the boat.
> 
> But eventually, this behavior gets to be too much, and these usually “good” children can act out in unpredictable and surprising ways when things become overwhelming. Often, when that happens, these children feel a deep sense of shame about their collapse and loss of control, so they go back into careful hiding, trying to be good.
> 
> And the cycle repeats.
> 
> People-pleasing also makes one stuck in the past. While a people-pleaser is engaging in a conversation or activity, the truth is they are not really there. Part of them is, but another part is trying to resolve an old issue, get some validity, and some emotional sustenance for something they’ve been chronically deprived of. Consequently, a false belief takes root, and people-pleasers start to believe that others don’t see them because they are not important or not good enough. Holding onto this kind of paradigm while being trained that attention and love come only when putting others first creates a seriously toxic cocktail for the people-pleaser that leaves them ripe for developing severe codependency or, worse, a complete loss of identity.
> 
> Also, a few notes about Steven's intelligence, I know that the comics are considered lower-tier canon, but the graphic novel, 'Too Cool For School,' is a perfect example of how smart he is. Steven accompanies Connie to her middle school as her 'Show and Tell' item and ultimately enrolls in the class. Eventually, a gem monster wreaks havoc on the school, and when Connie and Steven fight it off, it results in the principal expelling her. Steven offers to be expelled instead since the gem was attracted to him in the first place, and the principal agrees. Before he leaves the school permanently, however, his new teacher gives him back his test in front of the principal, letting him know he got a 100%, and the only one who scored higher was Connie because Steven didn't understand what the extra credit questions meant so he didn't do them. Proving to all of us that Pearl may lack some aspects of Earth knowledge, but she still learned her baby good. 
> 
> Moving away from psychology, I have a few more nuggets about Steven/Pink's powers that I wanted to share with you all.
> 
> Another power that can be totally justified by science is Lars and Lion’s wormholes. You see, it's actually possible to build a wormhole from electromagnetic waves. All you have to do is have metamaterials on each side, but the electromagnetic wave propagation between two points in space can create an invisible tunnel.
> 
> Aside from that, another part of the electromagnetic spectrum I’d like to talk about in today’s notes is ultrasound. Now ultrasound does a lot of beneficial things, but it can also create sonic waves. So remember Pink’s ‘scream that could shatter walls’ and Steven’s new ability to smash the ground with pressure. Sonic waves can do that by using cavitation.  
This is because all sound waves are longitudinal – and they do a cyclic pushing and pulling motion of molecules as the wave travels, which is called compression and rarefaction. Cavitation occurs when the pressure difference between a strong push and a strong pull in a loud sound causes bubbles to form in the waves. Basically, quantum mechanics, the pink light spectrum, and cavitation can explain Steven/Pink's bubble ability and shattering power.


	26. Not all poison is bitter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This took me a week to write, and while I'm still not 100% satisfied with it, please know that I tried, guys. There was just a ton of content to get through, and all of White Diamond's evil monologing ended up taking the front and center stage. As always, I appreciate you all and hope you know that you're such a huge part of what keeps me motivated to continue this story.

—_Homeworld—_

_Blue Diamond’s Chambers…_

Stepping out into the azure hallway, Pink Pearl roped her arm around Spinel, forcing the two of them to hug the walls. “That path will take you to Blue Diamond’s extraction pool. But you still have to be careful if you’re trying not to get caught.” She instructed her in a hushed voice, “Blue doesn’t have as many guards as Yellow, not after Era 3 and all, but there are Mica sentinels stationed in the walls just outside this corridor.” 

“So, what should we _do_ if we do run into trouble?” Spinel asked.

“Well, I suppose there’s always bubbling them,” The little pearl shrugged, pulling out her ribbon wand for good measure. “They can’t sound the alarm from inside a bubble.” 

“And to think all this time I thought you were a real bluenose like all the other pearls.” Spinel snorted. She couldn’t believe the skinny waif of a gem next to her was so eager for a fight! “You know you’re a shade of alright, Begonia.” 

“Begonia?” Pink Pearl giggled a little, taken off guard by her new friend’s sudden reference to such a random piece of organic life.

“Cuz of your hair.” Spinel stammered, not sure why she was so flustered all of a sudden, “The buns. They sorta look like the flower.” 

They looked like roses too. But Spinel currently had some very complicated feelings towards roses. So begonias it was.

“They do?” The other gem inquired, raising a hand to touch one of her buns idly.

“Yeah, i-it’s just that I like flowers.” Pink’s former playmate disclosed, unable to maintain eye contact with the pearl for a barrage of reasons.

“I like it.” Pink Pearl assured her, retaking her hand, “My friend used to come up with silly names for things all the time too.” 

_"She did, didn’t she?"_ Spinel sighed to herself before squeezing Pink Pearl’s hand back. _"The Diamonds give a lot of things nicknames. White calls me ‘Treasure’ and Steven ‘Starlight’ just like she used to call Pink. But do they give us those nicknames because we’re special to them—or because we’re their possessions?"_

Whatever the reason, she had still come too far to turn back now.

* * *

The sound of talking and laughter echoed down the hallway as she and Pink Pearl made their way carefully towards the large pool in Blue’s extraction chamber.

Blue was half-submerged in the water, talking animatedly with Yellow, who was sitting close to the pool’s edge. The pair looked just the same as she had left them. Everything was so painfully normal that for a moment, Spinel almost forgot all the horrible things that had taken place just a few short hours ago.

“Oh, Spinel!” Blue Diamond beamed with delight once she saw her little friend coming towards her.

The fact the diamond was so happy to see her filled the harlequin with joy and the hope that things might turn out alright. At least until it was followed up with, “White here was just telling us that the two of you have been playing a game.” 

“Hello, Treasure. I had a feeling this might be where you were headed.” Homeworld’s matron chimed in on cue stepping out into the light like a glittering phantom, “I hope you still had fun, though.” 

Mouth agape in terror, Spinel was too temporarily stunned even to move.

“I _did_ try to warn you, dear.” The Diamond teased, her black lips thinning dangerously. “That I’m awfully good at ‘hide and seek.’” There was a certain degree of smugness in gossamer being’s voice as she said that, her nose crinkling in false delight.

“Yeah? W-well, so what?” Spinel huffed, channeling her dread and frustration into whatever courage she could still muster. Gloved hands clenched into fists; Spinel stood taller than she ever had before as she spat, “I’m still gonna spill the beans on what I saw, White. And I don’t care if it _does_ put me behind the eight ball with you. You wanna poof me? Shatter me? Rejuvenate me to back to kingdom come? Well, do it. Because I’m tired of playing games.” 

White, for all her glamor and ethereal beauty, was a bully at her core. A millennium of preying on the fears of lower gems, exploiting her power over them, had fed into her feelings of superiority. So the last thing she was expecting when even her fellow Diamonds trod lightly in her presence was this kind of an attitude from a lowly, _clownish_ little spinel.

“Well then, by all means.” The Diamond challenged, making a dramatic sweep with her arms, “Don’t keep us all in suspense.” Luminous eyes narrowing, the gem monarch added, “And then maybe afterward we can hear all about _your_ adventures on Earth, Spinel. I’m sure that Yellow and Blue would love to hear all about it since we’re all being so honest right now.” 

“How do you know about that?” Spinel faltered, “Steven never told you what happened.” 

After all, he had _promised_ her that he wouldn’t.

Steven knew how much she wanted a clean slate with the Diamonds, and if they found what she had done on Earth, what she had almost done to _him_, their only remaining tie to Pink and fellow diamond they’d never forgive her.

Spinel couldn’t trust a lot of things these days, but she knew he wouldn’t break his promise to her.

Which meant there was only one other explanation.

“You knew I’d go after the injector, didn’t you?” Spinel realized in dawning horror. “All of the other weapons had been destroyed except Pink’s. Yellow told me so. She and Steven had decommissioned all of the others, even the prisms, by the time I got your message. But Pink only had the one colony. It would be easy to forget where she left her off-world injector. No one had used it in 6,000 years—but _I_ still knew where it was.” Tears pouring down her face, she choked, “I was just a distraction for you, from the beginning, wasn’t I? You knew what I would do if I got my hands on it, and you _used_ me anyway.” 

“I was just a cover so your robonoids could place those crystals all over Beach City.” She quivered, “You never wanted me at all.” 

“Oh, treasure. What an imagination you have!” White mused, clapping her hands together, “I’ve always strived for perfection, but even I’m not _that_ good. Do you really think that I’d have any idea what one of Pink’s abandoned toys would do if they saw our little broadcast? I’m afraid you’re giving both of us too much credit in this situation.” 

Spinel felt herself shattering all over again when a pair of elegant, blue hands lifted her up and pulled her close. Wrapped in gentle, loving fingers, she was held tight as Blue rose out of the water.

“You _are_ wanted, Spinel.” Blue Diamond reassured her before setting the little gem on her shoulder as she turned to confront her fellow diamond, “But what crystals is she talking about, White? You’ve been acting strangely for days now. Skulking off at all hours, whispering to yourself about secret things, pulling away from us again after we finally just got you _back_.” 

“It’s true.” Yellow added, citrine eyes narrowing suspiciously, “You have been quite standoffish lately. What are you hiding from us?” 

“She called them photonic crystals.” Spinel murmured from her spot on Blue.

Recoiling in shock, both Diamonds stared at Spinel, their mouths falling open as the color washed away from their faces.

No one seemed able to speak for several seconds before Yellow finally broke the silence

“_Bwah-hah-hah!_” The gem guffawed, clutching her chest as she almost barreled over with laughter, “That’s the best joke you’ve come up with yet, Spinel! Oh, this gem kills me! No one uses photonic crystals anymore; they were banned before Era 2.” 

“No. I’m afraid our dear treasure’s right. It’s true, you see,” White replied smoothy, calm as crystal now that the proverbial cat was out of the bag. "I had the robonoids place photonic crystals all over Beach City and Little Homeworld. In the last four days, there’s hardly been a rock or a lamppost my little Starlight has walked past that hasn’t been flooding his gem with a constant stream of photonic light.” 

“What? How could you do that, White?!” Blue demanded in outrage, “Those crystals are barbaric! You know that better than anyone. They deserve to rot in the dark ages with the rest of that horrible technology.” 

“Those crystals made all of us the gems we are.” White countered that flawless façade of hers finally starting to crack. “What good is a rough diamond to anyone without being polished first? All of us had to be cleaved, to have parts of us taken away in order to become better cuts. That’s what sets us Diamonds apart from all the other gems. We’re the only ones strong enough to take that kind of pain and endure. That’s what Diamonds do; we endure! And surely you all haven’t forgotten that perfection can only come from loss.” 

“You’re _mad._” Blue rasped, “How could you do something like that to Steven? To someone you love?!” 

“I did it for him _because _I love him.” White snarled, “I couldn’t let all that potential go to waste again. Not after everything that happened with Pink, not after _Rose Quartz_!” 

“White… what are you talking about?” Yellow asked as she and Blue could only stare in shock as Homeworld’s grande dame seemed to come more and more unhinged.

“The signs were always there; we just never looked for them.” White rambled, her perfect persona falling away as she put her head in her hands, “We all heard the stories about a rogue Rose Quartz that had incredible healing powers, the ability to create sentient life out of plants to serve as her guard, and the capacity to reflect light like one of us.” Her beautiful face contorting into a snarl, the diamond snapped, “Have any of you ever seen a Quartz that was good for _anything_ besides brawling or rutting around in the mud? Of course, you haven’t. Quartzes are drones, foot soldiers, _useless_ beasts of burden whose only real purpose is for manual labor! But Pink, all of those wonderful, marvelous things that Rose Quartz was famous for doing, those were all powers from _her_ light spectrum. Why didn’t we see it sooner? Why did _I_ see it sooner? I always thought that Pink could flee to the ends of the cosmos, that she could surround herself in that organic filth all she liked, but she could still _never_ hide from _me_.” 

“But she did hide from me.” White acquiesced, “And now she’s gone. Don’t you see? None of this would have happened if I had only known better—if I had _been_ better! I can’t let the same thing happen to Steven. If Pink could discover powers like Rose Quartz’s on an alien world so far from home, just imagine the potential Steven has. He could shine more brightly than any of us. So why should he waste that talent on some useless rock, guarding all those lesser life forms? He belongs here with us, here with _me.” _

“I’m the only one who knows what’s best for him!” 

Anything else that might have been said between them was lost as the chamber flooded with new voices. Running towards them, Yellow Pearl had broken away from a small cluster of other Homeworld gems and pressed, “Forgive the intrusion, my Diamonds, but there’s an emergency in the throne room! The Crystal Gems just arrived on the warp pad, and they’re asking for your help!” 

* * *

_—Homeworld—_

_The Throne Room…_

Steven had slipped away so quietly it was hard even to tell that was he gone at first.

But Amethyst had immediately sensed something was wrong, just from the way he suddenly went slack still in her arms. Jerking him forward, she put a hand against his chest—only to find no heartbeat. Even the trickle of blood staining the side of his mouth was no longer flowing since his veins had stilled and halted.

“Pearl, he’s not breathing!” She cried out.

That declaration sent terror down the spines of everyone near her.

“Steven—?” Pearl whimpered, reaching out to touch his face.

But he even felt different than he had a moment ago. Before he had been brilliant and beautiful and _alive_, right there talking to her just a few seconds earlier.

It wasn’t fair that he was so still and silent now.

Her baby’s skin was already growing colder in her hands, and that was enough for the world to start losing all its color.

Pearl couldn’t do this again.

Not after Rose.

She couldn’t lose him too.

Moving away from the others like she was about to go headfirst into battle, Connie recovered before anyone else. “Amethyst, put him on the ground,” She ordered, not willing to give up without a fight.

Almost immediately after the gem complied, the girl had her hands interlocked expertly into place as she started chest compressions with the precision of someone who had been doing it her whole life. Which, Connie practically had been considering who her mother was and all the mandatory first aid training she had been forced to go through to get permission to travel to space the first time.

“Hey!” Lars snarled to the first gem that came within an inch of the throne room, “What do you think this is here, dinner and a show?! Someone get the Diamonds down here now! Or are you going to be the idiot that lets Steven Universe die right in the middle of their throne room?!” 

If the angry pink teenager wasn’t enough to send the gem in question flying, the look on the lapis lazuli that was marching towards them certainly did the trick.

Fighting down a shudder at how lifeless Steven’s body was underneath her, Connie continued to work on him. She counted 30 pumps perfectly in time with one another as the girl pushed against his sternum, willing that heart of his to start beating again, even if it was the last thing she did.

“For the record, this _wasn’t_ how I imagined our first kiss.” She confessed to the boy she loved as she tilted his chin up. Bending forward, Connie sealed her lips over the half-gem’s and forced air into his lungs.

She was trying to save his life right now, so the swordswoman knew she needed to focus on that. But Steven’s lips were so limp and cold, Connie could pretty much taste his blood and hurt as she breathed into him. This wasn’t anything like what she had fantasized about doing for so long. So she swore to him right then that she’d never forgive him if this wound up being the only time she ever got to kiss him.

All the party could do was watch in silence as she did two more sets of rescue breaths and chest compressions before the ground seemed to shift a little as the three gigantic matriarchs of Homeworld finally made their appearance.

It didn’t take long for them to piece together what was going on, especially as Yellow and Blue had more of the puzzle pieces than even Steven’s family did at this point.

“Oh, Steven,” Blue keened as she saw his partially exposed stomach from where his human pet was trying to breathe life back into him. Even if part of the stone was hidden from view, she could still see firsthand the damage that had been done to his gem. Pink’s flawless diamond was no longer clear and brilliant, as several parts of the jewel had now taken on a cloudy, almost milky like appearance.

Diamonds were some of the most durable materials on earth, but even they could be shattered or destroyed. Gems as precious as theirs only ever clouded up like this when they were damaged on an atomic level—burnt from the inside out.

“_You_ did this to him.” Blue spat, the gem’s lilting voice tainted with malice as she pointed a finger in accusation at White. “Just look at what you’ve done to his diamond,” She raged, “To _ Pink’s _ diamond!” Barreling forward, she let out an inhuman wail as her fury temporarily blocked out her common sense, “How _could_ you do this, White?!” 

“Blue, stop!” Yellow commanded, barricading herself between her fellow diamond and Homeworld’s monarch. She was furious at the situation, too, but the former general was all too aware of just what would happen if they directly confronted White Diamond without a plan. “This isn’t helping!” 

“You don’t understand. _None_ of you could possibly understand what I’m trying to do for him,” White replied stone-faced.

Whatever was going on with the Diamonds was huge, as the Crystal Gems had never seen them fight like this before. Not even during the final confrontation with White the last time.

But Connie couldn’t pay attention to that right now. Half alien or not, she was running out of time to save him. The human brain could only survive without oxygen for no more than five minutes.

“Please wake up, Steven.” She pleaded, putting her head on her best friend’s chest as she checked one last time for a pulse, “You promised that you wouldn’t leave me behind again.” 

Nothing.

Fighting back a sob, Connie collapsed on top of him, her hands automatically resting on his stomach as she buried her face in his t-shirt. If she closed her eyes, she could almost pretend that the two of them had just fallen asleep reading together again. And any minute now, he’d wake up like he always did.

Without even realizing what she was doing, Connie found herself reaching out to touch his gemstone. She didn’t know what was compelling her to do it, but she needed that sense of familiarity before having to face the horrible reality that he was really gone. But the moment her hand touched the sleek surface of her best friend’s diamond, an overwhelming charge of static electricity shot through the both of them. The pink energy lit up the pair with such a force that Connie felt like her own heart had stopped beating for a minute.

“What the heck was that?” Lars couldn’t help but ask since it had looked from his end like Connie had just got hit with a small bolt of lightning, “Are you okay?” 

The girl wasn’t listening to him, though. Because she could feel Steven’s body twitch underneath her.

_… th-thump…_

It was so faint at first that Connie almost thought it was just her grief-stricken imagination getting the best of her, but then she heard it again.

_… th-thump… th-thump. _

It was weak, but the sound of his heart beating again might have been the most beautiful thing she had ever heard.

“I-I have a pulse.” She stammered, almost afraid to announce it to the others for fear she might jinx it. But Connie couldn’t fight the surge of relief or the hysterical little laugh that tumbled out of her, “Guys, I have a pulse!” 

Everyone in the throne room let out a sigh of relief except Pearl.

It was apparent the gem didn’t hear Connie at first, as she was so detached from any real awareness right now that Pearl could barely feel anything. She was sunk in on herself, her world had been broken, and nothing anyone said right now was important—nothing could ever be important again—not anymore.

She just wanted everyone to go away, to leave her here in this limbo, this nothingness.

But Amethyst wouldn’t stop speaking to her, shaking her, and finally, a muffled voice bled through the haze.

And that’s when she heard it, the sound of his familiar voice gasping, coughing, desperately choking in air, and immediately it slammed her back into the present.

If Pearl had a heart of her own, it would be thundering right now, as the room sprang back into complete clarity.

“Steven?” She stammered, coming out of her trance.

Sure enough, her little boy was moving again as Connie helped get him onto his side so he could breathe better. CPR's common side effect that they didn’t show folks on TV was that you usually had to throw up after regaining consciousness. So even if he wasn’t fully awake yet, his body knew what to do as the boy instinctively curled in on himself, chest heaving as he managed to spit up enough blood to partially clear his airways.

Groaning softly as Connie rubbed his back, Steven was stuck in a state of inertia, still locked in the prison of his rigid muscles before his gem finally rebooted. It wasn’t long before what had happened the previous night at the Beach House, began to happen again as Steven’s diamond started to flicker like a faulty lightbulb, growing brighter and brighter until the entire throne room was painted in blinding pink light.

There was so much energy coursing through him; it felt like he was being torn to shreds from the inside out; there was no other explanation for all this pain. But with the pain came consciousness, and even though his organs felt like they were rupturing, all that anger suddenly came back with it.

_Oh._

Power.

That’s right; _that_ was what this was. The sensation rushed through Steven even as it threatened to tear him apart. His very being electrocuted with it, with power as it grew bolder, greedier, wrapping itself around everything he had used to be. Even the air around the boy was getting heavy as magenta waves of energy began to pour out of him, crackling and buzzing as if it were a cluster of snakes made from electricity.

Steven’s heart was beating fast, his nerves screaming with adrenaline, as his skin started to tingle with euphoria. There was something amazing about losing yourself to power, drowning in it, letting it pull you down into the dark.

Breathing was becoming easier again for him, and with each breath that entered him, the energy reached deep into his lungs, soothing the ache that had settled within him.

His diamond was healing him and itself even without his tears this time, but it was also warping what little was left of his sense of self, turning him into something entirely new.

The others had scrambled away from the teenager’s now radiating form, the energy, and light surrounding him too much for either human or gem to handle. Even the Diamonds had taken a few intuitive steps back for their own safety.

Steven was practically incandescent with the pink light that circled him like a halo, and he didn’t feel quite real anymore as gravity seemed to pull at him differently than everyone else. Connie found that she couldn’t look away from him even if she wanted to, afraid that the moment she took her eyes off of him for even a second, he would simply disappear.

But he _was_ disappearing right before her eyes and this time she couldn’t stop it.

The color started to leach out of her best friend’s dark hair, the melanin dissolving away until it was almost white. But worse than that, his eyes were aglow like two neutron stars now, and the anger she saw in them was the most frightening thing she had ever seen.

The bottomless whirlpool of rage and chaos inside his heart reached out to the youth, calling for him, and he embraced it wholeheartedly.

Steven surrendered himself to the darkness there, and he was finally, finally free.

* * *

The light around the boy was twisted, falling around him, and stretching out as it curved into layers of magenta. Surrounded by dark pink, the curtains of energy moved around his smaller form as though they were living things. All around him, the strength of the gravity was earth-shattering, the pressure creating hairline fractures in the marble floor and rattling the walls despite the fact he was standing perfectly still. The air was thick with ionized particles and the smell of ozone, as his gigantic cluster of electromagnetic energy loomed behind him like a fuchsia grim reaper.

He had reached full stabilization, Homeworld’s first organic superconductor.

“He’s perfect.” White breathed in hushed reverence as she gazed down at her creation, “My little Starlight is perfect. Just like I knew he would be.” 

“You’re wrong,” Connie insisted, glaring up at the Diamond. Furious dark brown eyes met glittering silver as the human girl challenged that statement, “He was already perfect just the way he was. But what did you _do_ to him?!”

While Steven had never been handsome in the traditional pretty boy way, he undoubtedly had a lot of charm. He had an open face, large kind eyes, and a gentle yet confident presence that only those completely comfortable in their own bodies ever had. The boy was soft in the best possible way, from those lush curls of his that everyone liked to touch, to the fullness of his lips, to his body that was strong and solidly built with just a little bit of childish softness to it still. His ordinary attractiveness was designed from the start to be something touchable, something warm, something you could just hold onto and feel safe with. Everything about Steven Universe _used_ to say: you are so loved, and I’ll protect you no matter what.

Now, though, all that had changed.

He was so different now.

Her friend now seemed to be made up of sharp edges where all that softness used to be. He was still wearing that boyish smile, but it seemed frozen in place on his face. And it was downright off-putting to see her best friend’s kind expression twisted into such a hollow caricature. His hair, eyelashes, and brows had all been bleached a pale champagne pink thanks to his diamond. But unlike White, whose coloring made her seem incandescent and far too perfect for this world, Steven seemed alien and yet still so human at the same time. That light hair was such a stark contrast to his magenta eyes, which burned like hellfire against those colorless lashes.

Even though his eyes were glowing, illuminating the darkness, the worst part was that the light refused to reflect off them at all anymore.

That just wasn’t natural. Even with rabid wolves, their eyes would still refract and respond to light. But Steven’s were like glowing pools of insanity—vacant yet unyielding, devoid of any emotion at all. So the light simply got swallowed up in his stare.

Connie couldn’t help but think about how certain venomous animals warned other creatures about just how dangerous they were by their coloring alone. Or how the white flash of a shark’s belly was usually the last thing you saw right before the water turned red—nature’s reminders about why you needed to fear the unknown. No matter how smart humans got, there would always be things waiting for them in the dark.

Virtually everything about this new Steven Universe screamed that same kind of danger.

No, this person wasn’t her best friend.

_To be continued…_

### Works inspired by this one:

_ [“Event Horizon" by agent-8449](https://agent-8449.tumblr.com/post/190660384883/event-horizon-theres-no-turning-back-now-for) _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to talk about superradiance and superconductivity in today's notes, as these are two significant concepts for the story. 
> 
> Superconductivity is basically electricity on steroids. When you have a superconducting current going, it can keep on going and going and going – long after you unplug the machine, long after the Energizer Bunny calls it quits, years after, bored senseless, you stop waiting around to see how long it would last. Superconductors can be divided into two classes: type-1 and type-2. Type-2 superconductors are what we’re going to be focusing on for the story since these types tend to be mixed state, hot temperature conductors, and infused diamonds usually fall into this category. Basically, this is what White was trying to turn Steven into.
> 
> Moving on from superconductivity, let’s talk about superradiance. Scientists are still trying to work out all the details about what makes a black hole, but they know that EM radiation plays a part. Recently scientists have even managed to create an electromagnetic black hole, which is impressive. The device is tiny, but it works using microwave frequencies (pink light spectrum again, folks). Black holes are thought to emit exact black-body radiation (which is a theoretical mutation of EM radiation), allowing them to swallow up both gravity and electromagnetic waves. This is why we think that nothing can escape a black hole once something enters it, not even light. Because light IS electromagnetic waves, they are sometimes altered when they enter the black hole and turn into superradiance. 
> 
> This happens because the atoms in light can be turned into different states. When an atom absorbs energy, it is shifted from a dormant into an excited state. When it returns to a lower energy state, the power is re-released in the form of a photon. This usually happens randomly, at completely unpredictable points in time. However, if several atoms are located close to each other, an interesting quantum effect can occur: one of the atoms emits a photon (spontaneously and randomly), thereby affecting all other excited atoms in its neighborhood. Many of them release their excess energy simultaneously, producing an intense flash of quantum light. This is superradiance. We don't understand a lot about superradiance, but the one thing most scientists can agree on is that it's one of the critical components that make up black holes.  
Contrary to popular belief, that means not only has there always been light in a black hole, but it's a crucial part of them. And one-way scientists are trying to achieve superradiance and learn more about black holes is by, hey, you guessed it! By studying tiny defects built into diamonds. 
> 
> At specific points, instead of a carbon atom, scientists put a nitrogen atom into a diamond lattice. Just like ordinary light atoms, these diamond defects can also be switched into an excited state. When the diamond is changed to an excited state, it can usually take hours for all of them to return to the lower-energy state. 
> 
> Now again, guys, I’m throwing physics into the mix to try to explain a children’s cartoon show here, so please understand this is a very hand-wavy science explanation for the events that follow. But seeing as how many people were talking about how Steven might have ‘corrupted’ White Diamond during the Change Your Mind confrontation last year, superradiance and the reason why her flaw is pink actually made a lot of sense to me. Basically, a Diamond with abilities from the pink light spectrum that is also human (so they have those oh so important nitrogen parts) _could_ have reached superradiance after Pink Steven came out to play. Since Steven’s diamond was practically going Super Saiyan at the time, it wouldn’t be much of a stretch to say that the process of separating the two caused their little atoms to move into that excited state and for Pink Steven to go into superradiance mode. From there, he could have very easily “corrupted” White even after returning to Steven's original form by transferring some of his electrons into her unintentionally. Not only does this tie into my theory that Steven being human, and therefore, an impure diamond can conduct energy in a way that the other Diamonds can’t. But it also provides evidence that if we’re going by the principles of physics alone, then Pink Diamond was and always has been the strongest Diamond of them all. The pink light spectrum is ALL the non-visible light in the electromagnetic spectrum after all, so; naturally, the wavelengths she controls would make her much more powerful and more versatile than any of the other Diamonds by comparison. 
> 
> Spinel 1930's translator:  
Behind the eight ball: In trouble; disliked by someone.  
Bluenose: A mean name for a woman, mostly a prude or stick in the mud.


	27. Aposematism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alright, Evil!Steven, here we are. Phew, this thing ended up being a monologue, but our boy had some feelings he needed to get through. This was a tough chapter for me to write just because of how anger can transform people. Usually, it either comes out in angry outbursts before someone eventually snaps and blows up (like what we see with Future Steven in the show), or they become numb and disassociate. Long before Bruce Banner ever Hulked out, he would often have dissociative episodes in middle school to combat all the anger and trauma he witnessed by seeing his mother get murdered by his father. This doesn't just happen in comics; dissociation is a considerable part of PTSD and domestic violence. One of the first things our brain does to defend itself when overloading with mental pain. Dissociation and numbing himself to the pain is part of how I built up my version of Steven's defense mechanisms since he's diverged from his Future counterpart at this point. I've also written more on the psychology of this in the notes if you are interested in reading more.
> 
> As always, guys, thanks for everything, as I appreciate all your comments and critiques. You're the best.

_—Homeworld—_

_The Throne Room…_

“...”

Steven’s lips moved, but the humming from the electricity behind him drowned out most of what he was trying to say.

Realizing that no one could hear him over the intense surge of energy, he closed his eyes and tried channeling all that immense power back into himself the best he could.

Everything felt so strange, he thought to himself, flexing his hands as the current radiated through him. His body didn’t even feel like it was his own anymore; he was simply a conduit for all this power. Although there was so much destructive force building up inside of him, Steven couldn’t feel the sting and pull of the electricity at all anymore.

It didn’t hurt, which was nice, but he also couldn’t feel a single thing now.

Did that matter, though?

No, no, not really, he realized.

Steven found that he couldn’t bring himself to care about anything.

There was a sort of strange freedom in being this empty.

The throne room quieted as the gigantic pink leviathan that had been looming behind him faded away, crawling back into his body like a parasite reentering its host. Although the massive tentacles of electromagnetic energy dwindled, Steven’s body was still glowing in incandescent light, just like it had two years ago in this very throne room.

This wasn’t a boy split in two this time, one human part floundering on the floor while the gem part raged against the force that had pulled them apart in the first place. Instead, Steven had been twisted up from the inside out. Both his humanity and gem parts were torn apart right down to their atoms and then rebuilt into something entirely new.

Something that was no longer human or alien anymore.

“Sorry.” He said casually, clearing his throat and trying again to address the crowd of silent onlookers. “That’s better. Geez, I couldn’t hear myself think with all that noise.” 

The way he tried to smile at them was strangely performative; his mouth moved, but his eyes closed automatically to hide the fact that the smile didn’t reach them.

Like his gem counterpart all those years ago, Steven’s feet didn’t touch the ground anymore. His body didn’t have any electrical resistance to direct currents, as the never-ending power source inside him created a magnetic field that separated him from the rest of the world.

Gravity didn’t apply to Steven Universe at all now.

Finding her courage, Connie was the first to approach him. “Steven… are, are you alright?” She asked hesitantly. He still seemed sort of lucid if that sentence was anything to go on. But there was no telling what exactly the transformation had done to his already compromised mind.

The boy blinked at her with what looked like incomprehensible madness for a few seconds before answering. “You know, I’m not sure.” He said hazily, pressing the curve of skin between his thumb and index finger against his temple. “I don’t—I can’t feel _anything_.”

Steven’s eyes were wide and terrifyingly blank as he met her gaze, “I don’t feel anything, Connie. Isn’t that weird? I mean, I should be feeling something right now, shouldn’t I? It really hurt a minute ago, so much so that I think I almost preferred dying.” He balled his hands into fists on either side of his head before splaying his fingers wide, “But now… now I’m just so numb.” 

There was no way an average human could handle even a fraction of the energy that was currently circulating through his body. So Connie was suddenly horrified to realize that maybe it wasn’t that he was _unable_ to feel anything, but rather that Steven was so consumed by pain right now that he had just stopped being able to process it altogether.

Panic rattled down Connie’s spine, cold and sharp at the thought of what someone with his powers and his current mental state could do in a situation like this.

“Steven,” She murmured, reaching for him, even though she knew she couldn’t hide the worry in her voice from him at all.

“Don’t,” He said softly, taking a step backward the second he saw her try to grab for him, “I’m dangerous.” There was no sadness or regret in that sentence, only the truth. The power radiating inside him felt like a dozen nuclear bombs, and just because it wasn’t visible anymore didn’t mean it wasn’t right there under the surface.

The thought of losing her somehow really bothered him. Especially the idea that she could get hurt or die because of _him_, he didn’t like it. Even if Steven couldn’t remember why she was so important to him, Connie wasn’t allowed to leave.

Not when she was _his_.

Those pink eyes were void of any real emotion, but he almost sounded sad for a minute before he warned, “Don’t try to touch me. I’ll just end up hurting you.” 

Angry, guilty tears slid down Connie’s face as she immediately pulled back her hand. Despite how much she cared about him, she also couldn’t help being terrified of him right now, and that sickened her. What kind of knight was she in the first place if she couldn’t even save the _one_ _person_ she had spent all these years fighting for?

“You know, White; Connie did ask you a question a few minutes ago.” The pale-haired boy noted as he moved away from his friend and took a few steps towards the Diamonds. “I’m curious, too, to be honest.” Even though his voice was carefully constructed to sound normal, there was a sharp edge to that usually friendly tone. "Just what _did_ you do to me?” He inquired sweetly.

“I had to do it, Steven,” White assured him, slightly surprised by the little shiver of terror that crept up her spine as he approached. “You have to understand that all of this was for your own good.” 

White Diamond was Homeworld’s oldest gem, the planet’s most powerful being, and yet there was no denying that at this moment, even she was a little frightened of the rage that was hiding just below Steven’s plastic exterior.

The boy was alight like a tiny supernova. For someone as in tune with luminosity as White was, the power and absolute magnitude that resonated in that little body of his were unlike anything she had ever seen. So even though instinct was trying to warn the Diamond that she was in the presence of something dangerous, she found herself so blinded by her new creation that she just didn’t care.

“Oh, just look at you, Starlight. Why you’re just dazzling!” The gem matriarch breathed in utter adoration, “It was worth all that pain and suffering you had to go through, wasn’t it? You’re brilliant like this.” 

“You’re something greater than either a human or a gem now, Steven. You’ve transcended into something, not even your fellow Diamonds can ever hope to become. Don’t you see? Our Pink _must_ have understood that you were destined for this from the start. This must be the real reason she gave up her physical form, why she stayed on Earth instead of coming home to us. It was all part of your higher purpose, _your _primary function. Only you were special enough to survive the transformation. All of us perfect diamonds failed in the past, but _you_, an impure diamond, you were the key all along.” 

“You were right about everything, Steven.” She continued to gush, clapping her hands together in joy, “And I changed just like you wanted me to. Now I see that flaws aren’t something to be afraid of; no, they’re wonderful, fantastic things that help us reach our full potential.” 

“… to decide.” The young man muttered, head down, fists clenched, his voice so low that they could barely hear him.

“What’s that, dear?” White Diamond inquired, straining to catch what he said.

“I said,_'YOU DON’T GET TO DECIDE MY FUTURE!'_” Steven roared, as all the anger and fury they had seen from earlier came rippling back to the surface. The blast of energy from his explosive temper tore through the rooftop, blinding everyone and blasting through the pillars and diamond lattice windows above them like they were simply cardboard.

“NONE OF YOU DO!” He snarled, teeth barred as bursts of electromagnetic waves surged through the air, “And I’m so _sick_ of everyone around me telling me who and what I have to be all the time!” 

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO YOU ALL THAT I’M _NOT_ MY MOM?!”

Everyone that wasn’t a Diamond found themselves hitting the deck to avoid getting poofed or, worse, having their heads blown off from the force of the energy ripping into the throne room. In less than three sentences, the youngest member of the Great Diamond Authority had managed to blast thousands of years worth of metal and stone to rubble as though it was nothing.

Instinct and adrenaline flaring, the Crystal Gems pulled out their weapons and prepared for a fight. The last thing anyone wanted to do was hurt him, but it was apparent Steven was unhinged right now.

Before the destruction could get any worse, though, Steven’s eyes caught Pearl’s, and for just a moment, the two stared at each other.

It was like he had never seen her before in his life. There was no love or recognition there for her, only emptiness.

Her little boy was so lost right now.

Something akin to childish curiosity flashed across his face once he saw her clutch her trident tighter, but it was less like he was sizing her up for a fight and more like he wanted to see what she’d do in this situation.

But whatever Steven saw in Pearl’s expression also managed to bleed the fight right out of him.

Curling in on himself, all he could do at this point was laugh.

The laugh that poured out of him was soft and angelic. It was so innocent-sounding and out of place that it was even scarier than all that rage had been a moment earlier.

“You win,” He choked in between belts of laughter, “I give up.” 

“I can’t fight all of you. If being Pink Diamond is all that I’m good for, then fine, I’ll be the new Pink Diamond.” Steven chuckled, his voice muffled as he buried his face in his hands, “It’s not like I can go back to being me anyways. I’m stuck like this, aren’t I, White?” 

Biting those perfect black lips of hers, Homeworld’s sovereign felt a rare sting of guilt at seeing Pink’s son hunched in on himself like this. It seemed that the only reason he was laughing at all right now was that somehow amidst all the madness, Steven had forgotten how to cry.

“I’m afraid so, my darling.” She consented, trying to comfort him while still being cautious enough to make sure not to touch him. “But give it some time. It’s not all bad, is it, to be something greater than a silly little human being? Now you don’t have to worry about all those limitations that make organic life so short. The natural law doesn’t exist for you anymore, Starlight; you’re beyond all that now.” Kneeling beside him, White made sure to use her most soothing tone as she stated, “Now Steven, I know that you must be very angry with me. So you take all the time you need to process this; it’s a big change after all. I just hope that eventually, you’ll come to realize that I’m only doing what’s best for you.” 

“What’s best for me...” He repeated darkly before dropping his hands and looking up at her again.

Then the insane glow in his eyes softened ever so slightly, and a sad look passed over his face instead, “You know, I _do_ understand why you did this. You did all of this because you love me.” 

Sighing, the teen raked through his messy hair, “I get it, White. It’s scary when you love someone, and you can’t always protect them.” 

“We let people into our hearts so easily, and before we even know it, our loved ones end up becoming our main source of happiness. So it can be frightening to realize that someone else can have that much power over you.” The boy empathized, “What’s worse, is that being truly happy can make you afraid of what can happen if you lose that happiness. I think in the end, that’s why we end up hurting each other sometimes. When we put our hearts in the hands of other people, sometimes they can’t help but hurt us despite their best intentions.” 

The mask slipped away then, and the false gentleness in his voice made everything sound sickly sweet as he added, “Which is why when you really start to think about it, love is actually pretty horrible, isn’t it?” 

Steven’s eyes were utterly dead as he raised his pointer finger towards her.

Underneath that blankness though he was so very _very_ angry.

And Spinel knew what it felt like to look and feel just like that once. That was the reason why she was able to see the attack coming towards White before anyone else.

Stepping between him and White Diamond, the harlequin caught his hand in hers right before Steven could let loose the condensed energy that had been pooling on his pointer finger.

Eyes widening as her gloved hand covered his, the energy dissipated and fizzled from the surprise alone. He couldn’t believe Spinel would do something like this, not after all the warnings he had given everyone about what would happen if they touched him.

C-come on, Stevie, stop it.” Pink’s former playmate pleaded through clenched teeth, trying to ignore the fact that she had pretty much grabbed the hand of a transmission tower. The minute her fingers touched his, Spinel’s face and body began to glitch as the circuits in her gem started to overload from the surge of power.

But even though her whole core hissed and fizzled like it was roasting on a fire pit, she still wouldn’t let go of his hand.

“Y-you don’t really want to hurt anyone, do you?” Her voice was distorted, coming in like static. The fact her jewel was being burned from the inside out, making her sound like a broken radio.

“You’re not a one-way kid like Pink was, not _you_,” She told him as sure of that as she was of anything, “Not Steven Universe. You’re better than this. You’ve always been the best of us, Steven. That’s why I can’t let you become someone like me. Hurting people doesn’t ever make you feel any better about your own pain. If anything, it just makes you feel worse.” 

A small outcry was the last thing she was able to get out before the little clown disappeared in a cloud of smoke, her gemstone still crackling from the live current as it clanged to the ground.

And for a moment, the teen was so temporarily thrown off guard by what had happened he couldn’t move.

Staring down at the sizzling gemstone by his feet, Steven couldn’t believe that Spinel had just purposely almost shattered herself to protect White Diamond.

The funny thing was she could have easily tried to stop him by force if she had wanted to. Violence used to be the first line of defense for Spinel not even five days ago.

But instead of fighting, this time, she had put all her trust in others.

Spinel had chosen to believe in her friends.

She had still believed in him up to the very end.

It was touching to know that she had probably been trying to save him too.

Steven hadn’t expected that kind of loyalty and kindness from his mom’s abandoned friend, and he wasn’t sure if he even deserved it.

If Spinel could change that much in four days, maybe things weren’t as hopeless as they seemed.

Maybe he didn’t have to go through with this; perhaps if he turned back now, there was still some chance that he could get better.

His friends were still waiting for him.

And that realization made the small part of his heart that wasn’t dead strangely ache all over again.

_Yeah right._

Steven fought back another chuckle at the thought, immediately covering his mouth with his hand so it wouldn’t slip out and risk spoiling the somber mood.

Sure, and right after that, he’d cure world hunger and fix global warming on Earth.

“Wow. You know she must have really cared about you, White.” He commended, before stepping over Spinel’s gem as if she was just another rock in his way, “That’s so nice, Spinel was a true friend.” 

There was no sympathy at all for his fallen friend as he said that.

None.

Steven was just like anyone with power, operating on the mindset that just because he had the strength, he had the right to do whatever he wanted.

“I don’t think caring about you saved her, though.” He pointed out, throwing up his hands for effect, “In the end, it can’t save anyone.” 

“Oh, _Spinel_.” Blue choked, taking a step forward to somehow get her little friend’s gem out from the young man’s radius, only Yellow pulled her back before she could try to reach for her.

The duo quickly became a trio as White stepped back in a panicked sweep beside them, as even she had finally seemed to comprehend the sacrifice Spinel had just made for her. Not to mention the much more disturbing realization that her little Starlight had just tried to shatter her.

Pressed against what remained of their thrones, the Diamonds eyed one another in an unspoken agreement to disarm the teen quickly before he could hurt anyone else—but they were already too late. Steven made the first move since he didn’t have time to spend on any more intergalactic tyrants or white knights ready to fall on their swords in a stupid attempt to save him.

Instantly, the air seemed to be sucked out of the room. Human, gem, _everyone_ was slammed into what remained of the walls with the force and pressure of a hurricane. The gravitational pull was so strong Connie felt her bones creak from the strength of the air pressure alone as he held all of them frozen in place with the energy from his magnetic field.

Even the Diamonds were little more than pebbles when pitted against the kinetic energy Steven was currently controlling.

“Steven, stop! Please stop this.” Pearl cried out as they continued to be pressed just an inch from being poofed themselves, “We understand! You’re allowed to be angry that White hurt you like this, but this isn’t—” 

“I’m not mad about White hurting me.” Steven corrected, crossing his arms, “You know me better than _that_, Pearl. Let’s face it; most of the people who meet me usually try to kill me. I’m so used to assassination attempts and child endangerment by now that hey, what’s a little photon poisoning among family? That’s a typical Thursday night for us.” 

“I’m just getting so tired of people using me all the time and then telling me that it’s because they love me.” He explained to her, even though he didn’t really expect her to understand, “Love like White’s here, love like yours, love like Mom’s, it’s a joke. All love really is just another way to use someone.” The fake little smile he was wearing was a contrast to rage burning brightly in his eyes as his pupils turned into thin, animalistic slits, “So thanks, but no thanks, you know? It’s pretty obvious to me now that it’s pointless to care about anything.” 

“Steven, what the heck is _wrong_ with you, dude?!” Amethyst gritted out as she desperately searched for some sign of the old Steven in the monster that was currently wearing his face, “Snap out of it, will you! This isn’t like you! Come on; it’s _us_. We’re you’re family!” 

“Family? Oh, is _that_ what we were?” He gasped condescendingly, “Because it always seemed to me that you guys were much more interested in finding gems and completing missions than you were at playing house.” Eyes narrowing, the boy scoffed, “C’mon Amethyst. We were never a real family. I always wanted us to be one, but the truth is that I was never that important to you in the first place.” 

“I mean, do you guys even know _why_ I wanted to be a Crystal Gem so badly in the first place?” He demanded.

“Of course, you don’t. _None_ of you realized that being useful to a bunch of monster-fighting aliens was pretty much the _only_ way I could spend any quality time with you. Sure the missions were fun sometimes, and man, does the idea of ‘protecting humanity’ sound cool to a twelve-year-old, but that was never the real reason I did it. It was because being a part of the team was the only way I could ever get any attention from any of you!” 

“I would have done anything if it meant not being alone all the time.” Steven continued, “It was always so lonely in our house by myself. Why do you think I worked so hard to master my powers? It wasn’t because I wanted to be like Mom; I did it for you guys. It was _always_ for you guys. Because I was so afraid that if you didn’t need me—that one day you’d just up and leave me.” 

“The three of you were my whole world.” He confessed with a sappy smile, “I didn’t want to just be like Mom; I wanted to be like you too. To me, there was no one in the universe as brave and cool and smart as my family was. You guys were my superheroes. “

But in that next instant, his affection for them evaporated, leaving room for only burning resentment instead. 

“So I tried to be useful to you because that was always the unspoken rule for getting to hang out with you. Besides, if I wasn’t helping someone, then what good was I to anyone? My entire childhood was one endless cycle of ‘Drop what you’re doing, Steven; you know your time isn’t as valuable as the Gems. Ignore your own interests, Steven; they’re stupid compared to all this magical destiny stuff. Push down your feelings, Steven; they need you to be strong for them right now. Take care of them, Steven, because somebody has to! Put them back together every time they fall apart, Steven, because it’s all _your_ fault that the person they _really_ want is gone in the first place!’” 

The poisonous flash in his eyes paled in comparison to the bite of his words as he asked, “Do you know how often you made me feel like I didn’t even _deserve_ to exist?” 

“All I ever wanted from you was for you to love me for _me_. For you to tell me just _one _time that my human half was good too, that I didn’t always have to be Rose’s son, that it was okay just to be me.” He huffed, “The truth is none of you ever tried to understand me even a little bit. That’s why we’re not a real family; families aren’t supposed to be this one-sided.” 

Both Pearl and Amethyst were crying really hard right now, momentarily shocked into silence by the venom of those accusations. And in another lifetime, seeing them like that would have hurt him so much. They had meant so much to him once upon a time, but not now.

Not now.

That had been the old him.

Turning his back on them both physically and metaphorically, the teen made his way towards the warp pad to leave. 

“Steven, _please_—” Pearl started, desperately trying to find the words to make him stay.

But the happy little boy she knew was gone, and the darkness between them had never seemed this vast and endless before.

Stepping onto the teleportation circle, Steven turned to flash her one last smile, “Hey, look on the bright side Pearl, the Crystal Gems don’t have to worry about dealing with an annoying little tag along like me anymore. From this point on, it’s Era 3, so it’s every gem for themselves. Besides, you guys can always just replace me if you get lonely. After all, you’re really _good_ at that.” 

With that, he was all set to activate the warp when a realization suddenly dawned on him. 

“Oh, shoot!” He exclaimed, snapping his fingers as he berated his own absent-mindedness. “Y’know I almost forgot, but there’s one more thing I need to say before I head out. Now I know that you guys are guardians of Earth and all that, but I really wouldn’t recommend following me home this time. Consider it some friendly advice. Because now that I’m the new Pink Diamond, the first thing I plan on doing when I get back is to rip apart Mom’s legacy piece by piece with my bare hands.” 

Tapping his jaw, he pondered out loud, “Call me crazy here, but I’m actually starting to think that I might have some unchanneled aggression towards her that I need to work through. And leveling Beach City to the ground seems as good a place as any to start.” 

_To be continued…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When people face tremendous trauma, sometimes, they enter a dissociative state to protect themselves. The people who experience sudden dissociative states often break away from their original personalities completely, replacing their identities with vastly different personas or becoming blank slates or robotic while in what is known as the ‘fugue state.’ When a person enters a fugue, they become someone else—usually an exaggerated version of who the person feels they need to be to be safe. In Steven’s case, he’s become so convinced his heart is the thing that’s hurting him that he’s trying to repress all his feelings entirely and has become an emotionally numb psychopath as a result. There’s currently no medication to treat fugue state or bring them out of it. Usually, a person has to reconnect with their old personality on their own, and the only way that happens is when the danger passes, and they feel safe enough to be themselves again. In chapter 4, we talked about Steven’s unique brain and how it probably works in overdrive to help project his empathic powers. People with dissociative disorders often have a hyperactive frontal cortex and low activity in their limbic system, particularly the hippocampus, the parts of the brain that inhibit memory. It seems likely that Steven is probably a lot more susceptible to this kind of potential disorder in the first place due to his unique brain structure. 
> 
> Lastly, entropy, the second law of thermodynamics, makes all life across the universe increasingly complicated. The second law states that heat does not pass from a body at low temperature to one at high temperature without an accompanying change elsewhere. It’s the reason the liquid in your tea cools down at precisely the same time because that heat spreads out equally and discharges in harmony. What does this mean in laymen’s terms? Well, all things tend toward disorder. More specifically, the second law states that “as one goes forward in time, the net entropy (degree of disorder) of an isolated or closed system will always increase (or at least stay the same)." Entropy is simply a measure of disorder and affects all aspects of our daily lives. In fact, you can think of it as nature’s tax for existing. 
> 
> Entropy is all around you. Cells within your body are dying and degrading, the floor is getting dusty, and the heat from your coffee is spreading out. Zoom out a little, and businesses are failing, crimes and revolutions are occurring, and relationships are ending. Zoom out a lot further, and we see the entire universe marching towards a collapse. Without constant maintenance from individuals and institutions, societies and relationships tend to break down toward chaos too. Basically, what the Steven Universe show has taught us from the beginning, is that relationships take work if they will be successful. To maintain our health, our relationships, careers, skills, knowledge, societies, etc., require never-ending effort and vigilance. Disorder is not a mistake; it is our default. Order is and always will be artificial and temporary. 
> 
> We have all observed entropy in our everyday lives. Life always seems to get more complicated. Once-tidy rooms become cluttered and dusty. Strong relationships grow fractured and end sometimes. Formerly youthful faces wrinkle and hair turns grey. 
> 
> So even if Steven has currently given up on caring about things, how do we fight against entropy since we’ll never be able to beat it? We change; that’s how. For a change to occur in science, you must apply more energy to the system than is extracted by the system. That means you’ll always have to put more effort into fixing a problem than the effort that went into making the problem. It means you’ll always have more work to do when it comes to maintaining your relationships, your job, your dreams, your lives, and that work will never ever be finished. It is nobody's fault that life has problems. It is merely a law of probability. 
> 
> So, does that seem sad or pointless? I don’t think it does. It’s one of those beautiful things about being ephemeral. Nothing will ever stay the same, no matter how much we want it to, and that’s okay. Take your own body. The collection of atoms that make up your body could be arranged in a virtually infinite number of ways, and nearly all of them lead to no form of life whatsoever. Mathematically speaking, the odds are overwhelmingly against your very presence. You are a very unlikely combination of atoms. And yet, here you are, remarkable bit of stardust that you are. Which is pretty awesome in itself, don’t you think?
> 
> Spinel 1930's translator:  
One-way kid: A person who takes everything and gives nothing


	28. Eurydice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy belated first anniversary of the premiere of 'Change Your Mind.' This is a bit of a shorter chapter than the last few ones, and there's no notes section this time either (I know, I'm scared too).
> 
> As always, guys, thank you for your comments, critiques, and reading. You're seriously the best.

Steven had never realized it, but the summer that he and Connie first met had started off as one of the worst ones of her life.

Before their encounter, Connie had been a lonely, repressed little girl who always felt like she was on the outside looking in when it came to life. No matter how much she wanted to connect with other kids her age, something had always been missing.

She was usually brushed off as too quiet, too smart, and too stuck up; she moved around too much because of her dad’s job. Whatever the reason, there was usually an excuse for why the kids at school never bothered to get to know her.

After a while, she turned away from friendship completely and escaped into the pages of her books instead. Connie loved to read about girls who went on fantastic, magical adventures and found the strength within themselves to become heroes.

Often, she would sit and pretend that she was just like them, but deep down, Connie always knew she wasn’t.

Amazing things like that _never_ happened to girls like her.

* * *

_—Beach City—_

_The first week of summer vacation…_

A squawk from a group of seagulls overhead brought Connie out of her thoughts. Looking up from her paperback, she watched them disappear over the horizon, curious as to what had made her reminisce about that in the first place.

The truth was that mousey, isolated girl no longer existed because Connie didn’t need to live her life through other people’s stories anymore.

As if to drive that point home, the large beach towel she was sharing with her best friend suddenly shifted as Steven flopped onto his side, accidentally whacking her book with the back of his hand.

The weather had been unseasonably hot even for late May, so the two of them had spent most of the morning swimming in an attempt to escape the heat. While it was nice to just veg out like this for once, it was also almost _too_ boring and ordinary for them. After all, running supply missions for space pirates and exploring ancient gem ruins was more their usual jam, not hanging out at the beach like typical everyday teenagers.

The two had come back to shore to dry off about ten minutes earlier. And while the plan had been to head into town for a late lunch, it was looking more and more like it would be a _really_ late lunch since Steven was past the sunbathing part and had moved into actively napping.

She couldn’t blame him, though. The sun was warm, the sea breeze gentle, and everything Connie loved about Beach City seemed to be out and in full display today.

“You still alive down there?” She joked, nudging his ribcage with her elbow. “What happened to that whole thing about getting food?” 

“Hmm? Oh, right.” He answered groggily, “In fifteen… mm, in… _twenty_ minutes.”

Unable to hide her sappy smile as she glanced down at him, Connie had to admit that Sleepy Steven was probably one of her favorite Stevens. He was pretty unguarded and sweet when he was only half awake like this.

“Fine.” She huffed dramatically, “But if twenty minutes pass and you’re still asleep, I can’t be held accountable for my actions. _Especially_ if you continue to starve me like this.”

“… you _are_ pretty scary when you’re hungry.” The boy agreed.

Well, so much for the sweet part.

Just for that, Connie shoved both her feet under his ankles.

“_Nooo_.” Her best friend hissed the minute those frozen toes of hers curled up against him, “How are they always like ice? I think you might have an actual medical condition.” 

“Yeah, it’s called low blood sugar because my best friend won’t feed me.” Connie ribbed, whacking him lightly with her book.

Despite all the complaining, though, Steven still sandwiched his feet around hers so they’d warm up faster. “Not just your magic space heater, you know,” He grumbled, although there was no bite to it as he appeared to be drifting off to sleep again.

A comfortable silence soon settled over the two of them again as Steven continued to doze, and Connie tried to return to her book. Despite reading the same paragraph three different times, she was too distracted to follow along with the story anymore. Instead, her attention kept drifting back to the sleeping form of her best friend.

Putting the book to the side, she laid down beside him. Their foreheads were almost touching, legs still entangled together at the calves. It was exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. Not because they had never cuddled like this before, but usually, there were blankets and several more layers of clothing involved when they did this kind of thing.

Steven had really long eyelashes for a boy.

And his hair was going to be a nightmare later on since the saltwater from the ocean usually dried it out in a way that made his curls look like a sheepdog’s.

Regardless of that, _no one_ should be this unaware of how cute they were; it just wasn’t fair.

How was she supposed to be rational about any of this when he was so close that she could smell the sea salt on his skin.

Little flecks of sand were covering parts of his face, and even a little bit was dusting his lips.

Lips that she _really_ wanted to kiss right now.

“Steven, um, are you still awake?” Connie asked once she realized just how bad that urge was.

She needed to break the silence and get out of her thoughts like now.

_Right now_.

“Mm… hmm.” He hummed.

“How awake is ‘mm-hmm’ awake?” The girl inquired, “Like, are you actually cognizant right now, or is this the same awake as the time you agreed to do an all-night study session with me for the Ethics Bowl, and you wound up quizzing my sofa instead?” 

One dark eye lazily cracked open in her direction, but his voice was still really far away. “That happened _one_ time. And I’ll have you know your sofa had some very interesting talking points regarding belief vs. action.” 

Okay, so he was still coherent enough to snark. Maybe Steven was more with it than she had initially given him credit for.

“Is that so?” The girl mused, hoping he couldn’t see how badly she was blushing right now. “Guess I should have let the sofa compete for me instead.” 

Groaning, Steven shifted onto his back, untangling his legs from hers as he resigned himself to his napless fate, “Okay. Alright! You win. I’m awake. I give up.” 

Scowling at her, he sat up and grouchily shook the sand out of his hair, “Man, you have really _loud_ thoughts today, Connie.” 

She sincerely hoped that all he meant by that was that he could feel her eyes on him while he was napping and _not_ that his empathic powers had allowed him to hear her thoughts.

Otherwise, Connie was pretty sure she might drop dead from embarrassment.

“Cold feet _and_ my subconscious is noisy.” She quipped, trying to laugh off her sudden wave of nausea, “Boy, at this rate, it sounds like you might have to trade me in for a new best friend.” 

“Nah, I’m used to it.” He said with a long-suffering sigh before winking at her, “Besides, you know I’ll always pick you.” 

* * *

_—Beach City—_

_The present…_

She would always pick him too.

Staring down at the patch of sand where they had been sitting just a few weeks earlier, Connie was trying her best not to cry.

Why hadn’t she kissed him that day?

Why hadn’t she fought harder to keep him safe?

Why had she been foolish enough to think that Steven Universe was the one thing in her world that was supposed to be permanent?

Because the more you treasure something, the deeper you are hurt by its loss, that’s why.

The Beach House was on fire right now.

What was weird about that, though, was that Steven’s room was the _only_ thing that was burning.

He had the power to level the place to the ground if he wanted to, so it was odd and strangely disturbing that the only place in the house that showed any signs of damage at all was Steven’s personal space.

A sad little meow brought Connie out of her thoughts.

On the far side of the beach, she could see Lion and Cat Steven curled up in the corner together by one of the stone Goddess hands.

They both seemed shaken up by the fact their home was burning, but thankfully, neither one was hurt.

Bundling the little creature up in one arm, Connie sank to her knees and roped the other around Lion’s neck, burying her face in his fur. “What are we going to do, Lion?” She whispered.

* * *

_Meanwhile, in the house…_

Thanks to Lapis, putting out the fire took a lot less work than anyone initially thought it would, but once the flames were taken care of, they all got a first-hand look at the damage Steven had done to his room.

To everyone’s surprise, Rose’s picture still hung serenely at the top of the stairs, utterly undamaged save for a little browning at the corners due to all the smoke.

Considering how angry Steven currently was at his mother, the fact her picture was completely unharmed was unsettling, to say the least.

Steven’s bedroom, on the other hand, looked like a warzone.

His clothes were all in smolders, the remains of several photos charred and in ruins by his bed.

The bedding was scorched, and the duvet had taken on almost a rubbery appearance as it had burned down to tattered shreds.

“Why would he do this, P?” Amethyst asked as she reached out to pick up one of the burned photos.

“Because I think he was trying to remember who he used to be,” Lars answered instead from the doorway.

“What?” Pearl replied in shock, her voice cracking from disuse. That had been one of only three words she had spoken since they had gotten back from Homeworld.

“Just hear me out, okay?” Lars tried to explain, “We all saw what happened to Spinel when she grabbed him, right? But look at this stuff; it’s photos, memorabilia, his dad’s old band t-shirts. Call me crazy, but I don’t think Steven was trying to destroy these things when he came back here. It looks like they only got damaged in the first place because he tried to touch them.” 

“So, what are you saying?” Lapis demanded. She could only see anger and chaos in the trail left behind by the monster who had taken over one of her closest friends.

“What I’m saying is that he might not be 100% gone.” The pink teen reasoned, holding up one of the charred shirts, “Don’t get me wrong, Steven’s completely _nuts_ right now, but I think this might be proof that he’s still looking for those missing pieces of himself.” 

“Whatever White Diamond did to him turned into him a living weapon, no one is arguing that.” Lars stated matter of factly, “But I think he might still be in there, _somewhere_. I mean, Steven could have killed us all along with the Diamonds back on Homeworld. We all felt that power, and let’s face it, he could have squashed us like bugs, but he _ didn’t._ For someone’s who supposedly dead from the neck up, don’t you think that’s a little weird?” 

“Not to mention that he still warned us about what he was planning on doing to Beach City once he got back.” The boy deduced, “He’s leaving us an awful lot of breadcrumbs for someone that’s supposedly ready to blast away half the countryside. Which is why I think that deep down, Steven _wants_ us to stop him.” 

“But he’s so angry right now,” Lapis said quietly. “How can we stop him when there’s no way that any of us can fight him if he gets serious?” 

“Of course, he’s angry.” Lars agreed, lowering his eyes, “But take it from an old pro, will you? I spent most of my life being angry at the world. That’s why I know why he’s doing this. It’s the same kind of stuff I used to pull. Before the whole space pirate thing, I was always blaming everyone else for why I was so mad all of the time. Underneath all that anger, though, you’re usually really hurt inside or worse _afraid_. So you act out in horrible ways—ways you know that you’re going to regret later on, but that still doesn’t stop you from doing it. Because sometimes doing something terrible is the _only_ way you think that anyone will notice how much you’re hurting.” 

* * *

_—Rose’s Fountain—_

_"Take care of them, Steven." _

His mother’s voice echoed on the wind.

Steven glared at that once pretty face, hating her with everything he had.

“Shut up.” He snapped to the smoldering form of what was left of his mother’s statue, “I _never_ promised you anything. You can’t make promises to a VCR recording. And besides, anything I owed you, I already paid back a hundred times over!” 

The fountain had been decimated; the healing water evaporated to nothing as the entire area was reduced to ash, rubble, and the burned carcasses of countless rose bushes.

Whether it was on purpose or not, the first thing Steven had made sure to destroy on Earth was the only thing that could still utilize the Diamonds’ healing powers. A fact that was only made worse by the fact that he had lost the ability to cry.

_ “No, you never did promise her anything.” _ The voice of his younger self tried to remind him, _ “But you promised yourself. You promised me that you’d always take care of them.” _

“Stop it.” Steven muttered to himself, “Just leave me alone.” 

Voices kept whispering in his head, faces flashed in his eyes, and he just wanted everyone to go away.

He was sure he _should_ be really tired right now. Forget tired; he should be worn out beyond belief, only now he didn’t even know if his body _could_ sleep anymore. After dying and having his atoms torn apart and then rearranged if it weren’t for his healing powers and the fact that he was emotionally dead inside, he’d probably be screaming in agony. 

It was also going on more than a day and a half now since his last meal, which logic would dictate meant he needed to eat something. But if his trip back home had taught him anything, it was that Steven would fry whatever he touched the second he tried to put a hand on it. 

Who knew if he was human enough to do any of the things he used to.

God, he was really stuck like this, wasn’t he?

Stuck as this angry, twisted _inhuman_ thing…

A battery with a heartbeat, that was all he was now.

Sinking onto the stone inlay of her fountain, Steven looked down at where parts of Rose’s stone head lay in pieces by his feet and told her, “You know when I was little, I was never afraid of anything. No matter how scary things got, I just trusted that the Gems would always be there to make things right.” 

“But then all the stuff with Homeworld started happening, and I think, at some point, being a Crystal Gem made me start to question how much value there was in being human. No one in our family cared about that part of me anyway, not when there was all this magical destiny stuff to think about. So it was just easier somehow for me not to care about it either.” Knotting his hands in his pink curls, he whispered, “Now that I’ve lost it, though, I keep wondering. Why did I just throw my humanity away like that? Did I really hate myself _that_ much?” 

“I can’t remember.” The boy said with a laugh that sounded more like a croak, “I can’t even remember what it feels like to be happy anymore, let alone what it was like to be a person.” 

“That’s because happiness never lasts, twerp.” A rough voice said from behind him.

Coming up through the blackened, burnt thorns and brambles, Steven was surprised to find Jasper stalking towards him.

Although to be fair, he wasn’t even sure if that really _was_ Jasper. Not after he had spent the last hour arguing with the ghost of his fourteen-year-old self and confiding in headless statues.

“Sooner or later, someone will always come along and take the things that are important away from you. That’s what war is.” The quartz warrior explained, stopping just short of his feet, “That’s why you’ll never be happy until you’re strong enough to take what you want with your own hands. Until then, you’ll always be weak and pathetic. And if you haven’t figured it out by now, runt, weak people aren’t missed in this world, and they’re easily replaced.” 

“I’m not weak, though,” He told her. “Not anymore. I had to give up so much for this power, Jasper. And now look at me, I’m stronger than anyone. But the truth is, I didn’t want any of it in the first place.” 

“It doesn’t matter if you didn’t want it; you have it now.” She countered, letting her mouth fall into a toothy and somewhat feral grin, “The only thing in this world that matters _is_ power, Steven, so embrace it. Think about it! For once in your miserable life, you’re _not_ weak. That’s because you don’t have anything to lose anymore.” 

Not having anything to lose didn’t seem all that great to Steven, but then again, everything he had ever believed in and held dear seemed like an empty lie now. So what did he know?

“It’s a hard lesson,” The gem continued, “But all soldiers eventually learn that life’s only fair for those strong enough to take what they want for themselves. Weak people deserve their misery. That’s why you have to look out for yourself. Because, in the end, no one is going to save you. ”

None of what she was saying was in line with what he had been taught to believe. Steven had always thought that no one in this world was helpless or worthless. Being weak or strong had never mattered to him; only kindness mattered.

Kindness was supposed to be its own strength since it was always much more difficult and courageous to be kind than it ever was to be cruel.

Kindness showed people hope; kindness showed people compassion; it helped others see the good things in life. Sometimes, all people had in their darkest hours was the kindness of others.

Without his emotions, though, Steven couldn’t fall back on any of those pretty lies his dad and the Gems had taught him.

And for the first time in his life, he found himself agreeing with her.

Weak people probably did deserve what was coming to them.

After all, if he had been stronger, maybe White would never have been able to do this to him in the first place.

She was right; no one was coming to save him. They couldn’t save him even if they wanted to.

Squinting, he looked at her hard and asked, “Jasper, are you actually here right now?” This sure sounded like the Jasper he knew, but a part of him was still waiting for her to fade away, like all the other hallucinations that had visited him in the last hour. Raking a hand through his hair, he stammered, “Or did I make you up too? I-I’m kind of having a hard time figuring out what’s real today. ”

Mom’s fountain had never been that far away from Beach City Woods if his memory could be trusted at all right now. But he was still confused about why she was here at all, considering the damage and destruction he had caused to the area.

Every other living thing for miles had left the minute the explosions started.

“Does it matter?” The quartz replied with that same arrogant, mildly berating tone she usually used to talk down to him, “Either way, I’m still right.” 

“No, I guess not.” The boy agreed, picking up a piece of his mom’s broken face and rolling the stone around his palms. “I think I probably should care, though.” 

Crumbling the piece of his mother’s statue into dust a second later, he shrugged, “But that was the old me. I’m someone else now.” 

_To be continued…_


	29. Ambivalence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Like the chapter's name suggests, this is a pretty intensive mix of hope and despair. Sorry for the delay in posting, I caught the death plague that had been going around my university, and it's left me pretty incapacitated and fuzzy the last week. 
> 
> As always, guys, I appreciate you reading and commenting tremendously. And if this chapter reads like I spent most of the day hopped on Nightquil, help a fella out and please let me know. I was a little paranoid posting this since I'm still pretty sick and want to make sure it makes sense, and not just makes sense to someone who's taken a lot of cough syrup.

—_Homeworld—_

_After Steven’s Departure…_

The earth-shattering pressure that held everyone in place vanished the instant Steven's form dissipated on the warp pad. Crashing to the ground as the atmosphere stabilized, the Diamonds managed to collapse what little was left of the infrastructure surrounding them.

Rubble and broken ceiling fixtures covered the once opulent room, creating a cloud of dust and debris so thick no one could even see.

The first thing Blue did the moment she could move again was to scour the floor for any signs of Spinel's gem amidst all the debris.

White, on the other hand, sat on the floor like a petulant child, biting one of her long black fingernails as she muttered incoherently to herself.

"Ugh..." Lars groaned after the dust settled, throwing off a piece of railing that had fallen on top of him, "That's the _second_ time I've seen my life flash before my eyes now, and they're still weren't nearly enough scenes involving cute girls." Picking himself up off the ground, he shook the gravel out of his hair, "Everyone alright?" 

"What's our current definition of 'alright'?" A pile of rocks muttered before Lapis managed to climb out from a small assortment of broken window frames.

"Well, I'd say not being shattered and still having all our moving parts is as good a place as any to start." Lars reasoned as he offered her a hand up.

Rubbing a layer of grime off her face, Amethyst moved closer to where Pearl crouched on the floor. "You okay, P?" She asked softly, almost afraid to reach out and touch her for fear the other gem would shatter like glass in her hands.

"Amethyst… that wasn't my Steven," Pearl whispered, looking tormented.

"Gosh, well then who was it, Pearl?" Lapis snapped, eyeing the two Crystal Gems with contempt, "Because that sure looked like the real Steven to me. Only the _real_ Steven Universe closes his eyes and smiles like that when he's lying." Laughing bitterly, she threw her hands up, "He's such an idiot; the big dummy actually thinks that if you can't see his eyes, then you can't see how hurt he is." The gem was fighting a losing battle with her frustration as she snarled, "But I guess you three never noticed that. Which honestly doesn't surprise me, considering how much he's ALWAYS lying for you!" 

"BACK OFF, Lazuli!" Amethyst growled, springing to her feet and getting directly in the other gem's face, "Oh sure, it's real easy to all act high and mighty when you ignore the fact that you're a complete_ hypocrite_." 

"Guys, stop it!" Connie pleaded as she used her own body to come between the two, "The worst thing we can do right now is turn on each other." 

"Steven's human pet is right." Yellow Diamond interjected, "What's done is done. At this point, the only thing any of us can do is make sure this situation doesn't get any worse." 

"Wait." Amethyst couldn't help but ask once that statement sunk in, "And how exactly do you plan on doing that?" 

Getting to her feet as well, Blue Diamond held Spinel's newly recovered gem protectively to her chest. "Well, to start, that means we're coming back to Earth with you," She answered.

"Of course, we are." Yellow agreed, "There's no way any of you lot can stop him on your own." 

"Stop him?" Amethyst muttered, channeling her own rage and grief over the situation into biting sarcasm, "If you three couldn't stop him here, what chance to do _any_ of you have of stopping Steven on Earth?" 

Both Diamonds stared down at the little quartz for several seconds as if she were incredibly stupid.

"You know we Diamonds don't just sparkle and make light look _pretty_." Yellow said testily, "We can insulate light too. And right now, that might be the only chance we have to snap him out of this." 

“But... White Diamond said there wasn't a way to turn Steven back to normal." Connie remarked, sparing a glance over to Homeworld's monarch, who was still hunched in the far corner, babbling to herself.

"The truth is there might not be." Yellow acknowledged sadly, "The technology that turned him into this abomination is eons older than either Blue or I, and you've all seen that perfect Diamonds can't channel electromagnetic energy the same way Steven can in this new form. But, all posturing aside, we're probably the best and _only _chance you have." 

As if snapping out a haze, White Diamond finally looked at her younger proteges, seeming to have forgotten they were even there. Her pretty face morphed into a scowl as she seethed, "I can't believe he didn't even say thank you. After _everything_ I did for him, after all the sacrifices I made—I never thought that he'd turn out to be such an ungrateful little brat." 

"Yellow, we should be going," Blue sighed, trying her best to hide her overwhelming disgust for their once grandiose matron.

"Wait!" White sputtered from her spot on the floor, those luminous eyes of hers almost comical with how wide they currently were. "Y-You both can't just leave me here! Can't you see how badly I need you two right now? Why I need you two now more than ever." 

“I don’t _care_,” Blue replied reeling on her. The gem's Irish lilt was full of cold rage as she towered over White. There wasn't an ounce of fear left in her voice as she declared, "Shatter me or override me if you like, but so long as I have one _ounce_ of free will left in me, White, I won't spend another instant being a Diamond like _you_!" Slowly, and with finality, she vowed, "It all ends here. I've had enough." 

"So have I." Yellow concurred, and the defiance White Diamond saw on both their faces temporarily shocked her into silence.

Things had been bad enough with Steven abandoning her, but after everything that just happened, after how much White had so obviously suffered, they couldn't _all_ just turn on her like this.

Could they?

No, of course not! It was unprecedented; it was unheard of!

This just wasn’t _fair_.

"It seems some congratulations are in order here, White." The gem commander praised though her tone was like ice, "You never did compromise your ideals, no matter how many gems wound up shattered for the sake of your great truth. Despite everything that's happened, you even decided to sacrifice your loved ones—all so you could be right. And now here you sit, victory in hand. Except you're all alone, a Queen of Nothing, with _nothing_ but your convictions to keep you company." 

Looking down at the Diamond who's approval was once the only thing she had ever wanted, Yellow found she could only pity her now. 

"I just hope that it was worth it." 

With that, the two smaller Diamonds left their matriarch where she lay, a cold, solitary gem on a dusty floor.

"You know, Yellow," Blue said with a conspiratory smile as she walked side by side with the other gem. "Abdicating the throne without the consent of the rest of the Great Diamond Authority _is_ probably akin to treason. That makes us traitors to Homeworld as well." 

"I think you're right, Blue." Yellow Diamond chortled before she turned her gaze back to the small cluster of gems and humans walking alongside them, "Say, you all wouldn't happen to know of any rebellions in need of a few good gems, would you?" 

"There's always room for traitors and rebels with the Crystal Gems!" Lars grinned before backtracking slightly, "Well, in _theory_, anyway. You both are a little more uh, '_statuesque' _than the usual recruits we get around Little Homeworld. Um, no offense. The more, the merrier, though, right Pearl?" 

"Do you two really believe that you can help him?" Pearl asked tiredly, her voice a little more than a rasp.

"Well, that's the funny thing about believing in something." Blue responded, repeating something that Steven had told her long ago, "Just because something _might_ be a lost cause, that doesn't mean you can't believe in it. So for now, why don't we believe?" 

Pearl knew that line. Steven had said it to her often enough too.

_ "If you want to believe in something, you just believe in it. Sure, people might not always be worth trusting, and sometimes things don't work out no matter how much you want them to. But if I didn't **always** believe in you guys and try my hardest to fight against the odds, then I'd have no business being the leader of the Crystal Gems. Or your friend. That's why I'll always believe in you, Pearl." _

* * *

_—Fish Stew Pizza—_

_The Present…_

“Ronaldo, _enough_.” Kiki groaned, sliding the stack of plates that had collected over the last few hours out from under his face. "I know you feel bad about what happened with the Gems and all, but if you keep eating your feelings like this instead of dealing with the problem head-on, you might _actually_ explode." 

"Good. I deserve to explode." The boy pouted, not even bothering to wipe the crumbs and specks of parmesan cheese off his face as he raised his head, "There's nothing left for me now anyways. My journalistic integrity is in ruins; my life's work reduced to shambles, and all by the same clandestine government agency that I knew was after me from the start." 

Dropping his head back on the table, he lamented, "All I wanted to do was spread the truth, to be a shining beacon on the only place it matters—the internet. But now I have no other choice. I'm too much of a target; the only thing I can do is sequester myself from any further online communication so that my wisdom can never fall into the wrong hands ever again." 

Sliding his laptop and phone across the table, Ronaldo couldn't even bear to watch as he handed his most precious possessions over to his friend, "Please, Kiki, before it's too late. You have to promise me you'll bury these in an undisclosed location in the deserts of New Mexico." 

"Uh, how about I just put them in our drop safe next to the walk-in freezer?" She suggested instead, "That way, they'll be right here waiting for you when all this blows over." 

“Okay.” He sniffled.

That was a fair compromise, and besides, Kiki was just a civilian. He couldn't risk getting her involved in anything else.

“Ronaldo.” The older twin sighed before sitting down on the opposite side of the table. "Do you think that _maybe_ the real reason you've been sitting here for the last five hours drowning your sorrows in pepperoni and Mr. Pibb is that you're avoiding going to Little Homeworld and talking to Steven about what happened?" 

He mumbled something that might have been, "I guess so," but Kiki wasn't sure. It was hard to decipher anything he was saying when he was talking through a layer of tablecloth and his right elbow.

"You know he'll forgive you, right?" She said softly, reaching over to shake his shoulder. “He’s _Steven._ That boy doesn't have a mean bone in his body." 

"But what if he doesn't?" Ronaldo asked, raising his head to look at her. "What if he never talks to me again?" 

Ah. So that's what it was. He was _finally_ being honest about why he was so down in the first place.

"Ronaldo, come on now." She sassed, "If your 'Ronalphlet' about Rock People and how bad you made the Crystal Gems look two years didn't make him run for the hills, then I think it's safe to assume Steven's in this for the long haul." 

The heavy-set youth didn't reply, getting a somewhat constipated look on his face instead.

Wow, he was super anxious about this, Kikki realized. It was almost surprising considering how most of the time, Ronaldo was pretty oblivious to anything that _ wasn't _ the supernatural.

That last jibe had also made her sound way too much like her younger sister for her liking. Clearing her throat, she tried to be less condescending and assume the more mild-mannered persona she was better known for, "If it makes you feel better, what if I go with you to apologize?" The girl offered, instead.

"What about your other customers?" He remarked dourly.

"Do you see any other customers?" She demanded, sweeping her hands dramatically in both directions as she panned across the empty pizza parlor. "I haven't seen another person since my dad ran off with your dad to City Hall. Beach City's practically a ghost town right now." 

"It is, isn't it?" Ronaldo realized stroking his chin, a fire beginning to rekindle in his belly as the smell of mystery and the paranormal once more invaded his periphery. “Beach City _has_ been unusually silent lately. Now that you mention it, all of this is starting to feel strange. Like the lid on the jar of our very reality's been blown off—leaving us with the pickled juice of conspiracy." 

That was a pretty bizarre metaphor to describe the situation at hand, but at least Kiki was relieved to see her friend in brighter spirits than he had been the last two days.

* * *

Meanwhile…

—_Rose’s Fountain—_

“Jasper, so what _are_ you doing here?” Steven inquired once he was about 60% sure she wasn't a figment of his imagination.

"Look around you." The large gem demanded before motioning to the burning devastation surrounding them, "Because this isn't exactly being subtle, runt. I was in the middle of my patrol when suddenly, half the forest was being blown apart. So I followed the sound of explosions here to you, thinking it was probably enemy forces coming back for more." Glowering, she bore down on him, "Especially since _you_ were too stupid to take advantage of the situation earlier and neutralize those humans when you had the chance!" 

“Patrol?” The boy repeated, completely ignoring her bluster and focusing on that little tidbit instead.

That's when the realization hit him.

Jasper was guarding the area around Little Homeworld.

Even though she had thrown horrible insults in his face every other week for the last two years, despite continually berating him and telling how worthless life on Earth was, how watered down the Gem empire had become all thanks to him—all this time, _Jasper_ had been secretly protecting the gems and Little Homeworld from harm.

Wow.

The old him probably would have thought the knowledge that she was secretly guarding the same gems that she claimed to so deeply hate was, well _sweet_.

But the new him found he was just mostly indifferent to the whole thing.

"And lo and behold, what do I find?" The quartz continued to snarl, not paying attention to the conflicted look that had flashed across Steven's face, "But the Savior of the Galaxy himself, blasting Rose Quartz's fountain to smithereens." Crossing her arms, she bit out, "So now that we've solved the great mystery of what I'm doing here, what are _you_ doing here?" 

"Blasting Rose Quartz's fountain to smithereens." He answered flatly.

“Okaaay.” She asked hesitantly, "Is there a particular… reason for that?" Jasper may have loathed most forms of organic life on Earth, but even a gem fresh off the kindergarten could see that the kid was about as stable as a faulty pulsar cannon.

Which meant she needed to choose her words wisely for once.

The teen's eyes were still incredibly dark and blank as he explained calmly, "Because as long as parts of Mom still exist, I'll never get to be a real person. That's why I have to destroy it." 

He couldn't mask the bitterness as he muttered, "You were right, Jasper. You were right about everything. I finally get it now. I spent my whole life believing in something that didn't exist. None of the feelings I had about anything were ever my own; they were all Rose Quartz's from the start." Drumming on the charred remains of the stone he was sitting on with his index finger, his voice laced with annoyance as repeated, "I _was_ just her stand-in. And the worst part is that I was just so driven by this obsessive, _stupid_ need to help people that I couldn't see things for what they were." 

Lowering his head, the boy's eyes were temporarily hidden in the shadow of his curls. And although Jasper couldn't see his mouth from this angle, it looked like he was caught between fighting back laughter or somehow trying not to cry.

"It was all a lie." He seethed, "That’s all love _is_, a lie.”

Hearing him talk like this, knowing that he had conceded the fight—surprised the former elite gem, but it just didn't give her a sense of superiority over him like she thought it would.

For years, all she had wanted to do was knock Steven Universe off his moral high horse.

Seeing him now, like _this_, made Jasper’s victory over him and his sniveling pacifistic ideology strangely empty.

This wasn't how she had wanted to win against him.

"So I'm right. Now what?" Jasper countered, breaking him out of his spiraling thoughts, "Even someone like me who lives for the fight, _knows_ that you can't just rage against the world without some plan. What do you want out of all this, twerp? What's the point?" 

"What do I want?" Steven repeated before smirking at the irony of the situation, "Careful there, Jasper. Or someone might think you're trying to give me a purpose." 

The dark, sliver of amusement that bled into his voice frightened her, he could tell. But Steven was pretty sure he frightened everyone these days.

"Hey, that's okay." The boy soothed, trying to be reassuring, although he couldn't quite remember how. "You don't have to try to save me. The truth is, I don't want to be saved. What I _want_ is never to be used by anyone ever again." 

"Everyone I ever cared about used me." He surmised as any sign of the lost, confused child looking for his humanity faded away. The power inside of Steven had consumed him to the point that he couldn't even remember what it was like _not_ to feel broken anymore. There was only emptiness and rage inside him now.

Leaning forward against Rose's fountain, the youth laced his fingers together, legs crossed as he smiled up at her. The old Steven would have looked ridiculous since the gesture was one step away from being a supervillain pose. But with those glowing, soulless eyes and artificial smile, this new version managed to pull off being menacing surprisingly well.

“That’s why _this_ time, I'm going it alone. I'm not the tag along, or the magical best friend, or heck even the leader. From here on out, it's just me. The Gems, Dad, the Diamonds, they all seem to need me a lot more than I need them." 

His lips curled into something a little more honest and a lot crueler as he added, "I don't need _you_ either, Jasper." 

Leaning just a little closer to her, he breathed, "Which is why if I find out that you're only here because you're trying to use me too, well—y'know I'm really not sure _what_ I would I do." 

"So let's just try to avoid that if we can, okay?" The teenager proposed warmly, "It would sure be a shame if you got hurt over something like that." 

"Don't flatter yourself, brat." The warrior scoffed, meeting his loosely concealed threat head-on, "I'm not here because I need you. I've never needed you; in fact, I don't even _like_ you." 

Steven had never really liked her either, but maybe that was a good thing.

Because out of everyone he had ever met, Jasper had always been the _one_ person who had never let him help her.

Of course, that had also really frustrated the old him, mainly since helping people used to be so intricately tied in with Steven's own feelings of self-worth. But at the same time, Jasper was probably the only gem in the galaxy who had never let him take her pain and make it his responsibility.

She didn't want him to save her, and truth be told, a part of him was almost _grateful_ to her for that now.

"That's fine." The teen beamed before flashing her a little salute as he stood up to leave again, "Just so long as we understand each other." 

* * *

_—The Boardwalk—_

_Fifteen minutes later…_

Closing up shop and wiping down the counters didn't take too long, but by the time Kiki locked the front door, Ronaldo had wandered away again.

She found him just a few yards away by the docks, where he was staring down a lone figure standing at the edge of the water.

The wind seemed to pick around them like an invisible enemy the minute they got closer, whipping through their hair and stinging at their cheeks as Kiki tried to find the source of the storm.

By all accounts, though, it _seemed_ to be coming from the stranger on the pier.

At first, she thought the person standing there might be an elderly tourist who had gotten lost. The figure's hair was ashen and looked almost white under the cloudy, choppy sky.

But she quickly realized he was standing too tall, his shoulders far too broad to belong to someone old and enfeebled.

This person was actually pretty young by the looks of it.

Not to mention, there was a _very_ familiar shape to the back of the stranger's head. A head that was full of thick pink curls that somehow managed to fall in perfect rows in order to make a rose.

"S-Steven…?" Kiki found herself asking since _no one_ could pull off that kind of hairstyle but him.

But it couldn't be—could it?

The Steven Universe she knew wasn't that tall _or _that intimidating.

"Hmm?" The boy responded almost dazedly before turning his head towards her.

"Oh, hey," He replied, bringing his hand up behind his head apologetically once he realized he had been spacing out again. "Gosh, I'm sorry, guys, I didn't hear you come up. I guess I was just really caught up in the view." 

His voice sounded the same, but the boy's face was dull, his expressions not reaching his eyes at all.

And god, _those eyes._ Those dead haunted eyes.

That's when Kiki realized his feet weren't touching the dock at all, but instead, they were a few centimeters above it.

Something felt really wrong here.

"W-what are you doing out here all by yourself, Steven?" She stammered, trying her best not to stare. "And why do you look so_ different?" _

“You know I _feel_ different, too.” The younger boy confessed with a broad grin, "Like a whole new me." 

Despite his friendly tone, the smile on his face didn't seem to fit in with the conversation either. Oh sure, he _sounded_ as kind as he usually did, but there was also something strangely hollow to him now too.

And for reasons that Ronaldo didn't understand, that emptiness inside Steven terrified him.

"Kiki, get away from him!" The blond teen hollered as he raced to pull her away from the younger boy, "I don't think that's really Steven!" 

Grabbing her hand with one arm, Ronaldo used the other to try to shove the imposter as hard as he could.

"Ronaldo, wait. I really wouldn't do that—" Steven tried to warn him. But it was too late, and the electrical energy that surged to life the minute Ronaldo's hand touched Steven's chest was catastrophic.

He didn’t even have time to scream.

A zigzag of pinkish-white light tore through the human's insides, instantly causing his hair to smoke, clothing singeing and shredding at the seams from the explosive force of the discharge. Most of the skin on Ronaldo superheated, blood vessels bursting and leaving a webbed trail of scar tissue as the current traveled through his body and then exited out towards the water.

Kiki must have shrieked Ronaldo's name, but she couldn't hear her voice over the thundering sound of her heartbeat.

Three milliseconds touching the new Pink Diamond was all it took to reduce Ronaldo Fryman from a bright-eyed teenager to a twitching, half-dead mass of damaged nerves.

"—if I were you." Steven finished quietly, even though everyone could see that the damage had already been done.

Sinking to her knees, Kiki felt the strength leave her limbs as she sagged to the ground in shock.

Ronaldo had let go of her hand at the very _last_ moment—so that she wouldn't get hurt too.

“_Why_, Steven?" She choked, struggling to get out the words. Tears poured down her face as she quivered, "Why would you hurt him like that? Why?" 

Despite being only a few feet away, she couldn't even tell if Ronaldo was still alive at this point.

"He... w-we—Steven, we're your _friends_."

To her surprise, that sentence caused Steven to pause, and he couldn't help but acknowledge the truth in those words. While he hadn't meant to hurt him, Kiki was right. He still _had_ hurt Ronaldo.

Badly in fact.

And Steven was probably going to hurt a lot more people before he was finished.

"Of _course_ we're friends." He assured her. The boy's smile was so gentle, so full of affection for her that it was blinding.

"No matter what happens, Kiki, we'll always be friends," Steven promised.

That angelic smile of his looked just as eerie and twisted on Steven Universe's face as it probably did on the Devil's as he concluded, "But that doesn't really change anything, does it?" 

_To be continued…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From what we can tell Steven Universe, the show has already established that the Diamonds' Corrupting Light attack was a cataclysmic event and the final assault against the Crystal Gems by the remaining members of the Great Diamond Authority. The attack was intended to obliterate all Gems on Earth; however, it instead resulted in the corruption of almost every Gem on the planet.  
Given Yellow Diamond's ability to disrupt Gem bodies, Blue Diamond's ability to overwrite Gem emotions, and White Diamond's ability to overpower Gem minds, the Corrupting Light's effect may represent a combination of the worst parts of their skills - warped bodies, broken souls, and rampant emotions.  
It's possible to think that the light attack was the manifestation of an astrophysics occurrence known as a kugelblitz. This is a concentration of heat, light, or radiation being so great in intensity that it traps itself in its own event horizon, warping spacetime around it. A kugelblitz would be a possible explanation in and itself as to why Gems exposed to it became corrupted; since physical forms of Gems are made of light, they were likely warped by the physics-altering nature of the kugelblitz.  
I've talked about superradiance, but a kugelblitz is another manifestation of a black hole using light. As mentioned earlier, we think of black holes as traditionally being formed when the matter is packed so densely that their gravity prevents even light from escaping their event horizon.  
However, Einstein showed that energy and matter are equivalent; rather than taking the enormous amount of matter required to make a sufficiently sized black hole, we could make one using light, which is basically what a kugelblitz is.  
Since kugelblitz is a black hole formed from light (or more accurately electromagnetic radiation) rather than matter, it still creates the black hole one way or another; while light has no mass, it DOES have energy. Since gravity treats mass and energy the same, it's no wonder that the Diamonds' accidentally created a kugelblitz during their initial attack on Earth. Their ability to manipulate light and EM radiation are what sets them apart from other gems, so who even knows if Pink's combined powers would have been enough to make the attack successful and destroy all life on the planet. Or if the same corruption would have occurred with or without her, just in a different way.
> 
> EDIT: So lightning and other intense electrical currents can sometimes produce x rays and gamma rays (which again are EM waves and part of the pink light spectrum that Steven/Pink can control). This burst of high-energy radiation is known as 'dark lightning' because of the very high voltages that, in turn, creates very high-energy electrons. Dark lightning is the most energetic radiation produced naturally on Earth and tends only to appear when there's a strong electric field in place. In this case, dark lightning might be an unconscious side effect being produced by one curly-haired superconducting diamond with a continuous current of EM radiation who has _no idea_ how to control his powers.  
So for those of you who have been wondering, the odds of Ronaldo being dead vs. alive might be better than you think. Approximately 90 percent of the people who get hit with lightning every year survive their ordeal. Don't get me wrong; when lightning strikes, it can be devastating. A single bolt can contain up to a million volts and carry an electrical current of over 100,000 amps. But most lightning strikes don't go entirely through the body since our meat bags make mediocre energy conductors despite being full of salt and water. Instead of passing entirely through people, lightning bolts tend to glide over the surface of the skin in search of better conductors that don't have so much insulation and electrical resistance (darn bones and organs). Still, the electricity from a lightning bolt can severely damage the skin and burn the heck out of the surface of the human body. Not to mention mess with all electrical functions in our nerves, stop our hearts or lungs, and pop any blood vessels lucky enough to touch the current. Lightning also spreads out with its voltage decreasing with distance from where it hit, becoming more dangerous and lethal the farther away the bolt is from its target. The good news here is Ronaldo shoving Steven, and being only a few feet away might actually up his odds of survival instead of hurt them. The bad news is that well... it still happened.


	30. The expectations of others

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in updating everyone; I never meant for two weeks to slip by like this. It won't become a habit. Real-life kind of exploded on me since my research team had to submit our grant application to the National Institutes of Health last week. Once the deadline passed, I also needed a few days to recover since the whole thing left me with the functioning brain cells of a wet paper towel. Also, be warned, this is more a clean house kind of a chapter, so it wasn’t as fun to write as some of the others have been in the past. Still, it was necessary to revisit the other characters that got tangled up in the plot like ten chapters ago. I also needed to build up some of the reasoning and circumstances that will lead up to the climax. Expect flashbacks and more jumping around to various points in time, but hopefully, it’s still an enjoyable read. And hey, since it’s a long weekend, let's see if I can crack out a second update for everyone by Monday evening.
> 
> Shameless plug as well, but I’ve rejoined social media for the first time in like, oh five years, so if you’re ever interested in talking or just want to see reposts of science stuff and SU art, you can find me at @bamfguy on Twitter or bamfguy on Tumblr.

_\--Homeworld—_

_Two days before Spinel’s attack on Delmarva…_

From the moment she emerged, White Diamond’s primary function had been to be perfect. She had been created to be the perfect gem, the perfect leader—a queen who ruled on high, above her people but never really a part of them.

Segregated from even her fellow Diamonds, with only a single Pearl to hold service in her court, White Diamond was supposed to be a demiurge who represented the pinnacle of what all the gems of Homeworld could be. 

But the truth of the matter was that White Diamond had _never_ been a god, and she was far from perfect.

The collapse of her authority two years ago had made it obvious how flawed that way of thinking had been. All it had taken was one small human boy to make her appreciate just much time she had lost being alone in her own head, separated from the world around her.

Now that Steven had changed her mind, White could see for herself just how lonely perfection really was.

For the first time in over 6,000 years, White wanted something more than just perfection and complete order. She wanted the chance to connect with others, to be a part of the world that she had closed herself off from for so long. 

The Diamonds had almost had that once, with Pink. There had been a time, a long time ago, when it seemed like the four of them would always be together. But then had Pink left, so White had walled off herself to anything that didn’t fit into her perfect worldview.

This time would be different, though, because where she had failed with Pink, White had been given a new chance with Steven.

Or so she had _thought_ at least.

The throne room was bustling with lively voices and organized chaos as White made her way towards the back to where Steven, Blue, and Yellow were sitting on the stairs leading up to their seats. The pearls were up in the communication hub, shouting orders down to the various gems working like mad to get the rest of the transmission channels online for the Diamonds’ big speech. At first, the Diamonds had tried to help out too, but once it was evident that their size and general naïveté when it came to handling menial tasks made them more of a nuisance than anything else, they had been politely banished to the corner where they were doing their best to stay out of the way.

The trio laughed animatedly at a story Steven was telling them as White finally managed to approach. All three diamonds raised their heads to greet her, but she couldn’t help but feel like a bit of an interloper since they were still fully invested in finishing their conversation.

“So, then why _do_ humans refer to their elders as insects, Steven?” Yellow inquired, leaning closer to the teen sitting cross-legged on Blue’s knee, “Because it seems pretty disrespectful if you ask me.” 

“No, Yellow. We’ve been over this already.” Steven remarked good-naturedly, “No one’s calling them bugs. Aunt doesn’t mean _ant_, it just means—” 

“It’s an Earth term of endearment that means, ‘the sister of my mother,’” Blue answered for him instead.

“That’s right. Good job, Blue.” The young man praised.

Preening proudly under Steven’s compliment, Blue tilted her head up at Yellow to make it evident that she was showing off. Shoving her away playfully, Yellow took the other gem’s showboating with a grain of salt. What did Steven call it when someone acted like this? Oh yes. Blue was being a hotdog, whatever _that_ was.

“So technically, in Earth terms, that’s what that _we_ are. At least concerning you.” Yellow clarified. “We’re your aunts?” 

Giving her a soft smile, the boy shrugged, “Sure, if you want to be. But Garnet told me that gems don’t really have the same concept of family that we do on Earth, so you guys don’t have to use that word if you’re not comfortable with the idea.” 

After all, he was going back to Earth tomorrow, so Steven had been trying to spend his last few days on Homeworld, making the transition as painless as possible for them. Giving them this little something, something that was just _theirs_ was the least he could do.

“I’m _not_ the new Pink Diamond, but that doesn’t mean we’re not still connected.” He told them affectionately. “So I just thought, well— the word is there if you want it to be.” 

And before the boy could blink, he found himself squeezed within an inch of his life as Blue scooped him up so she could smush him against her cheek in a wordless exclamation of joy.

Which meant it was a safe bet that they were on board with the idea. 

Now Steven Universe was all about hugs, and he was made of some durable stuff, but affection like this from the Diamonds really did a number on his insides, and right now, he was pretty sure he could taste his left kidney.

“Blue,” He croaked, “I can’t _breathe_.” 

“Oh!” Blue exclaimed in concern as she immediately loosened her grip and set him back down on the ground, “Sorry, Steven. I got carried away again.” 

Throughout the last two years, Steven had spent a lot of time with Blue and Yellow. And seeing the three of them interacting together, Blue apologizing to the boy, Yellow berating Blue for her outburst, Steven leaning his weight onto Yellow’s leg so he could crack his spine back into place, it all made White feel like she was an outsider looking in on something wonderful.

“As—erm _fascinating_ as learning about your little Earth terms is,” She interrupted, clearing her throat loudly, so the others turned to her. White tried to keep her voice light, making sure not to sound too condescending despite how little she cared about the customs on Earth, “Do you mind if I steal you away for a few minutes, Starlight? We have so much to go over regarding the official declaration.” 

“Oh, yeah. Sure thing, White.” The boy agreed distractedly. He wasn’t paying attention at all to what she was doing, focusing instead on picking his jacket up since it had gotten tossed around after Blue’s hug. “Just give me a sec—” 

Taking that as all the confirmation she needed, White reached down to pluck him off the floor the same way Blue had. Only something softer and much more primal than a gasp escaped the boy’s lips the minute her form blocked out his light, those dagger-like nails circling him before he could even process what was happening. 

And just like that, they were both suddenly right back where they had been two years earlier, seconds away from when she had ripped his gem out of his body. 

Cold terror flashed across Steven’s face for an instant, only a moment really, but it was still raw enough to shatter her dreams entirely.

White hadn’t realized that he was still afraid of her even after all this time. 

“S-sorry!" The boy exclaimed once she brought him up to eye level. Immediately trying to explain his reaction away once he could think straight, Steven did his best to downplay things, “Gosh, I’m sorry, White. You just surprised me, is all. Honest.” There was a shaky and slightly desperate quality to his voice as he asked, “So uh, what was it that you wanted to talk about?” 

But White could still _feel_ his little body trembling from within her grasp, even though he was trying so hard to hide it from her.

“Oh, no. It’s nothing, darling.” She insisted before putting him back gently on the stairs. Like Steven, Homeworld’s sovereign also had plenty of experience lying for the greater good; the only difference was that she had been doing it for much _much_ longer.

“A-are you sure…?” Steven stammered, knowing how much he had hurt her, and feeling horrible about it. He hadn’t meant for it to happen, but his body had just _reacted_ when she had cornered him like that without saying anything.

“Of course, Steven. Don’t worry! It isn’t anything that can’t wait.” White assured him, flashing him a brilliant smile before getting up and turning her back on the trio, “Won’t you excuse me, dears? You know, you actually just reminded me about something I need to look in on. Something we’ll all need for the future.” 

It was at that moment that the gem matriarch realized that she never would be able to escape from the shadow of what she had done to him.

Fear would always triumph over love in even the best circumstances.

And even if the other diamonds did forgive her for the harm she had caused, even if Steven _himself_ forgave her, White would always be apart from the others, no matter how hard she tried to span the distance between them.

There was no bright future waiting for her, no space where the four of them would be the family she had always wanted.

There was no room for her at all, was there?

* * *

_The present…_

“I just didn’t want to be alone anymore.” White Diamond gritted out to the empty throne room. “I just thought that if Steven could become something greater than he was, then maybe the distance between us wouldn’t be so far. I only wanted to do better with him than I had with Pink. Where did I go wrong?” 

“You never gave him a choice, White.” Pink Pearl replied as she came out of the shadows, “The fact of the matter is, you never give _anyone_ a choice.” 

The former servant stopped just short of White’s feet before commenting, “The thing is that I really _do_ believe you when you say you thought you were helping him. You always try to help in your own funny kind of way. Just like you tried to help me.” Bringing a hand up to her face so she could trace the cracks around her useless eye, the little gem continued, “Despite how much you try to hide it underneath all that brilliance and glamour, I think you’re actually a very kind person, White. By taking me away from Pink all those years ago, you really believed that you were protecting me too. But the truth is you never gave me a choice either.” 

“You just decided what was best for him without ever asking Steven what it was that _he_ wanted. Just like you did with me―just like you did with Pink. Loving someone doesn’t work like that, not if all you’re going to do is control them. After all, didn’t the last 6,000 years show how you just how lonely that way of thinking really is?” 

* * *

_—The Wilmington Police Station—_

Charles “Buddy” Buddwick had spent most of his life being invisible.

People didn’t mean to pass him by, to forget him during roll call, or leave him out of invitations to other children’s birthday parties or outings to Funland with the rest of the guys from class. Mostly he attributed this to having the vanilla ice-cream of haircuts, and a mediocre, unremarkable face, the type that folks just tended to forget.

When Buddy had been a kid, he had sometimes wished that he could have been born incredibly ugly. Ten-year-old Buddy would watch old scary movies late at night on Fright Zone TV and dream of the day that he could clear a room the way the classic Hollywood monsters could. If anything, they knew how to make an exit at least, and Buddy was darn sure no one forgot the Sludge Monster’s birthday three years in a row.

Reminding someone they’ve forgotten you even exist is awkward and embarrassing in itself. Oh, sure, the people who have forgotten you tend to feel terrible, but it’s a potent reminder that reinforces the fact you’re a nobody. After all, if you weren’t, they would have remembered you in the first place, right?

So, at an early age, Buddy grew more comfortable being around books than people, and he spent most of his time in the family library. It was part of the Buddwick legacy, after all, and the characters inside his stories never forgot his name. Sometimes, if he were lucky, a person would recognize him and say hello. Little interactions like this would make him feel warm inside. They made him feel like he was making his way in the world, even if it was small steps at a time.

“Oh, thanks for suggesting that new writer,” A patron would say. “I love that story that they wrote about the escalator.” 

Over time, Buddy learned that Mr. Smiley loved romance novels, that Barb Miller liked historical fiction, and Nanefua enjoyed books about travel and cats. Sometimes people would introduce Buddy to little snippets of their life as if they were friends— but mostly, they would have short, forgettable conversations. Forgettable, just like Buddy himself.

But Buddy had a secret that made him special. His family was more than just a mild-mannered pack of balding librarians; in fact, the Buddwicks were adventurers, explorers, and the leading researchers on alien activity here on Earth.

It had always been a known fact that Beach City was a haven to the unknown. Almost every resident had at least one story about the strange temple and the giant woman who lurked around Beach City’s closed off embankment underneath the lighthouse. The gem trio haunted the town like friendly ghosts, often a constant topic of gossip for both locals and tourists alike.

Despite knowing more about the Crystal Gems than just about anyone, Buddy had never expected that a day would come when Rose Quartz herself would walk up to the circulation desk as if she had been coming to the library all her life.

“Wow.” The gem had commended taking in the library space and all the books, “It looks like when your great-grandfather set out to become an author, he really went in both feet first.” 

Her voice was deeper than Buddy had imagined it, sultry, and just a little mischievous. The thick ringlets of pink hair that spilled over her shoulders like a swath of roses; well, they were exactly how his great-grandpa had described them in his journal. But everything else the man had written about her seemed to pale in comparison to the real thing.

She was beautiful. Shapely. Intriguing and charming. Buddy almost felt like he could see the future itself reflected in her eyes. She was, he decided at that moment, the perfect woman.

“I’ve always admired humans for their storytelling ability.” Rose beamed as she wandered the stacks of the near-empty library. At first, Buddy wasn’t sure if she was talking to herself or addressing him until she looked over her shoulder at him and winked, “One day, I’d like to sit down with a person who does that and pick their brains. Really see what makes them tick. That would be fascinating, don’t you think?” 

“Uh, yeah. I’m sure it would be.” He stammered, trying to hide the flush in his cheeks.

Buddy’s next twenty minutes with Rose Quartz passed wonderfully and easily. She laughed at his jokes. She listened. She thought his strange thoughts about books were charming. She made him smile. She put him at ease.

As far as Buddy was concerned, their meeting was a harmonious interweaving of personalities, made all the more impressive by the fact that Rose was essentially a person he had deemed so perfect she was almost a piece of fiction.

She really was, he decided again, the perfect woman.

“Hey, I have to run. But I’m glad to see your ancestor really did make a mark on this town.” Rose said sweetly, walking out of his life just as quickly as she had come into it. She smiled at him, the promise of the unknown twinkling in her eye. 

Watching the giant woman disappear into the midafternoon light, he couldn’t help but think that something felt different. For the first time in his life, Buddy didn’t feel forgettable at all; instead, he truly felt _special_.

Rose Quartz never came back to the library.

Buddy understood, or at least he told himself that he did. After all, Rose Quartz was an immortal goddess, a rebel leader far too concerned with matters outside mortal understanding ever to do something as foolish as getting involved with humans. So the torch he still carried for her was one he was happy to nurse from afar. True love like that would be doomed from the start, lost on the winds of karmic justice.

But then some dumb rocker kid in a broken down van came to town for a one night show, and suddenly everything changed.

And the bitter seed of resentment in Buddy’s heart towards the Crystal Gem’s was planted.

* * *

It wasn’t until over a decade later when Buddy was standing next to the ruins of an alien battleship, holding a gem destabilizer in his hand, that he realized just how foolish his crush had been from the start.

And that day was the first time he had ever seen Steven Universe.

The first thing Buddy thought of when he laid eyes on the boy was how was it even possible for someone to have a smile that kind?

The second thing he noticed was the fact that Steven Universe was _tiny_.

The boy seemed to be mostly made up of wild curls and huge brown puppy dog eyes. He had large hands and a broad little back that was both reminders of the warrior blood he inherited from his mother. Her most important legacy, though, was her gem, which was hiding in plain sight under a pink t-shirt. Immediately it was clear to Buddy that the child was too ridiculous ever to be perfect the way Rose Quartz had been.

Steven was far too human for that.

He _would_ be special, however. Buddy could already tell that there was something extraordinary about this roly-poly little boy. And just like his mother, anyone could see that Steven Universe was destined for greatness.

It was then Buddy Buddwick knew for sure that people like him weren’t special and they never would be.

The world favored special people and forgot everyone who wasn’t. 

But if you couldn’t be special, then being powerful was the next best thing.

* * *

_The present…_

Buddy heard muffled voices calling him back to the world. 

His head was throbbing, every part of his body hurt, as a feverish ache spread across his skin. As he opened his eyes, it took him a few seconds to remember what had happened; since it was hard to focus on anything in the room except for the pounding pain vibrating through his skull.

“Sir? Sir, are you alright?!” One of his campaign aids asked, trying to help pull him into a sitting position. 

Weakly sitting up, Buddy realized he was back in the small interrogation room he and Greg had occupied earlier.

Only there was no sign of the balding rocker anywhere.

“What happened?” He groaned, raising a hand to touch his hairline before wincing as he managed to graze the large gash oozing blood down his forehead.

“The detainee must have attacked you and fled.” One of the agents told him, “But don’t worry, sir, we’re scaling the building for them now.” 

“It’s alright, gentlemen.” Buddy soothed, flashing the man what he hoped was a reassuring smile as the staffer began to apply first aid to his wounds, “Please find them if you can. But let’s not forget that Mr. Universe wasn’t formally placed under arrest when he arrived here. He’s our guest. Besides, the plan will work with or without him present.” Sucking in a sharp breath as an alcohol-soaked rag was suddenly pressed to his forehead, he asked, “By the way, have any of you heard from the Colonel’s extraction team yet?” 

* * *

_—The road to Wilmington —_

_Thirty minutes after Pearl’s team departed for Homeworld…_

“Who cares if you went to kindergarten, you little mutant! That’s not that big of an accomplishment here on Earth.” Andy hollered as he wrestled with the angry green gem currently trying to put him into a chokehold. “So unless I see a good old fashioned _American_ driver’s license come out of that gem core, you’re just going to have to shut your cakehole and deal with the fact I’m driving. We’re in enough trouble with the fuzz as it is.” 

“Mark my words, you will rue the day you decided to insight my wrath, Mandy! _I’m_ the field operator for this mission!” Peridot hissed before Bismuth reached over and decided to mediate, smothering her with one of Greg’s pillows.

“Sweet Mary and Joseph! Dealing with that rabid stalk of arugula would make anyone want to sell their own mother up the river for a smoke.” The pilot grumbled to the person hog-tied to the passenger’s seat. Shooting the man a dirty look, he rephrased his remark, “Ah, but who am I kidding? The truth is I’ve been off cigarettes for almost three years now, Colonel. And all because that ‘alien invader’ you’re so afraid of is a real slave driver when it comes to making sure his human family members take care of themselves.” 

Fumbling around, the man reached into his breast pocket and pulled out a stick of gum before scoffing, “Never mind the fact that the kid _himself_ has the self-preservation instincts of a piece of toast. But if Steven hanging off my airplane wings wasn’t enough to convince me of that, then the stunt he pulled last winter really sealed the deal for me.” 

“You remember that winter storm we had around November last year?” Andy asked, completely ignoring the Colonel’s mutterings from underneath his gag, “Well, see Steven and his weird aunts were rounding up the very last of the corrupted gems here on Earth when one of the stray monsters happens to make an unlucky fall into the river below. It would have made a big splash in it too, but right before it went over completely, the thing caught part of a broken service bridge on the way down. Then to add some _stupid_ to an already horrible situation, Steven goes and gets the brilliant idea in his head that he’s going to go after the thing before it falls. So here’s this kid shimming out onto a few broken cable lines, hundreds of feet in the air, trying to reach this ugly hate-filled thing before it goes off the edge.” 

“Only the monster has no idea Steven’s there trying to help it,” The pilot continued, “So the closer he gets to it, the more it starts trying to fight him off. They’re both just dangling there over the ice-covered water in the dead of winter. And while the girls and I are doing everything on our end to pull them both back up, the cable’s weight is giving out more and more each time the monster struggles. So there I am screaming at Steven to turn back because a freak like that ain’t nothing worth dying over, and you know what the little jerk says to me? He looks up at me completely straight-faced and tells me, ‘Everyone’s worth it, Uncle Andy.’ Here I am losing my mind with worry while both of _my feet_ are still safely on the ground, and he never backed down for a _second_, not for one second, even knowing that helping that gem might mean he’d end up losing his own life.” Pride etched across his face, the pilot looked the soldier dead in the eye, “That’s the kind of person my nephew is, Colonel.” 

“So how’d Steven get the gem to calm down?” Bismuth asked since she hadn’t heard this particular story before.

“Oh, how do you _think_?” Andy grinned, glancing at her through the rearview mirror, “He starts singing it a lullaby, that’s how. Ends up getting the stuffing kicked out of him too by the time the two of them get hauled up, but at least he’s able to calm it down enough to get his arms around it. And you know as well as I do that a black eye and a few chipped teeth aren’t enough to stop Steven Universe from being a bleeding heart do-gooder.” 

The gems and the gruff man shared a moment of bemused silence before Andy got serious again. 

Lowering his eyes, the pilot let the next sentence slip out despite himself, “Look, I know it’s not you girls’ fault or nothing, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder if his healing powers are more a curse than a blessing sometimes.” 

“What makes you say that?” Sapphire asked hesitantly.

“It’s just… Well, there ain’t a scar on the kid’s body, not a _one_,” Andy admitted. “But we’ve all seen Steven hurt himself a lot over the years for the sake of other people. And wounds like that leave marks. Or you know, they’re _supposed_ to. You aren’t supposed to be able to erase things like that away with magic tears; it ain’t natural. Bruises, cuts, scars, things like that, they linger—they stay with you for a reason. They’re supposed to remind us that we’re human, that we break, that we need to take care of ourselves.” 

The Wilmington exit was coming up on the right, and with that, the police station and the governor himself would be just a few miles after that. It wouldn’t be long before they’d be face to face with whatever lay in store for them.

“But Steven _doesn’t _ have those reminders like the rest of us poor saps do.” He stated, “Not when his spit-wads are pretty much an endless supply of magical do-overs. So you tell me, what’s going to happen when Steven falls for real someday? What happens when there isn’t anyone there to catch him like there was in that story just now?” 

“Look, I know he’s a brave little guy, and I’m proud of him and all, but he’s not just a gem; he’s human too. But the truth is, I don’t know if you girls ever taught him to appreciate that.” Andy’s voice hitched ever so slightly as he asked. “Aren’t you worried that with an attitude like that, the kid’s going to wind up getting himself killed one of these days? Because I do. It terrifies me, the thought that none of us are gonna live to see that boy grow up. Steven’s heart is just too big, and when he thinks that he can singlehandedly fix the universe—well, I don’t know if any _one_ of us is strong enough to keep him safe.” 

_To be continued…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I was writing this chapter, a unique epiphany hit me. The fear of being “invisible,” of being undesirable, or unable to connect with people is at its core a need for validation that we all suffer from to some extent or another. Whether it's someone plain and ordinary like Buddy or someone beautiful and intimidating like White, we all want to be desired and loved, especially by the people that we love in return. It’s one of our most human ways of confirming that yes, we exist, that we have value, that others want us and need us. But the expression of that desire – to have other people reaffirm our worth – is a form of external validation that can get dangerous fast. And while it’s not wrong to seek validation from others, if you take that too far, you can wind up destroying yourself and your relationships with others. Buddy and White have done a perfect job proving that point by their actions throughout the story.


	31. Revenant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys. I am so sorry for the delay in updating. Since I work/go to school at one of the largest teaching hospitals in my state, life's been pretty bananas with the coronavirus outbreak and all. Not to mention juggling some other things and dealing with my mom's death anniversary, which, frankly, didn't leave me in the best mindset to write. So initially, when I created the dreamscape all the way back in chapter 22, I had a few different ideas for how Steven's repressed consciousness would come back into play. Everything from a talk with Rose to his childhood self, giving him the inspiration he needed to break loose, all came to mind, but many other authors have recently done similar things, so I decided to change direction. And while I'm not 100% in love with what I cracked out in place of my original idea, with the ever-looming fear of what Future's finale has in store for us, putting Connverse front and center today was something I needed for my own sanity if nothing else. Regardless, I hope I could still stay true to everything I've built within the story and to the characters themselves. 
> 
> Anyways, you guys are amazing, and thanks so much for your continued support of this fic.

_—Beach City—_

_The Boardwalk…_

"You know, for the first time in my life, I think I finally see everything clearly now, Kiki," Steven told his friend.

Glancing down at her and then at Ronaldo's motionless form, the apathy and mild disgust there seemed so wrong on the boy's usually kind features.

“Humans _are_ really weak, aren’t they?” He stated distantly, "Although I guess once you think about it, _all_ organic life is. So maybe Jasper's on to something here; maybe you guys really do deserve what's coming to you." 

Stepping off the pier and out onto the water, Steven swung his body around in a playful sweep before turning back full circle to face her again. “That’s the thing, though, _I’m_ not weak. Not anymore, at least." Cocking his head in an almost puppyish way, he asked, "So why is it then that I'm still trying so hard to be like you?" 

Brow furrowing, he murmured, "I don't get it. What's so great about being human, anyway?" 

"I mean, Mom loved you guys and this world so much that she even gave up her own form in order to protect this place. I loved it too, once," Looking out at his hometown Steven sighed, "Now though, whenever I look at all the things I used to love about Beach City, everything just seems so… _disappointing_ instead._" _

Sliding a hand to his waist, a mean little smirk pulled at his lips as he added, "Aw, but hey, I guess it is pretty hard living up to the expectations of others all the time, isn't it?" 

"Steven—" Kiki choked, finally getting up the courage to inch closer towards Ronaldo. "I don't know what's going on with you right now, but everyone here in Beach City cares about you. You _have_ to know that.” Reaching out to grab the injured teen by his shoulders, she yanked him towards her once she was sure he was safe to touch. Stifling the lump lodged in her throat, Kiki could just barely make out the fact that Ronaldo was breathing.

"We can help you, Steven." The girl pleaded, extending a hand out to him, "Whatever's happening, I'm sure we can fix it. You just have to trust us." 

Steven gave her a funny look as she said that, so clearly out of touch with his mind and his emotions that it was hard for him to process what she meant by that. His eye couldn't help but do a little twitch, as though her words had just caused him to break out in invisible hives. Backing away, the youth eyed her warily, like _she _was the one who was capable of hurting _him_.

“I’ll help you. Just like all the times you've helped me." Kiki continued as she desperately tried to get through to him, "But right now, Steven, we need to help Ronaldo first. He's really hurt. He needs a doctor, or maybe you could use your healing powers to—" 

For some reason, her pleas had the opposite effect. Instead of being sympathetic like he usually was, Steven looked annoyed for a moment before his face shut down completely.

“And _there_ it is.” The boy seethed. "The part where you'll only do something nice for me if I do something for you first. You don't care about me, _none_ of you care about me. I'm just another tool to you. You're just the like the Crystal Gems." 

"Steven, that's not—" Kiki started before suddenly the pier was being lifted off the ground. Any sign that her former friend was in there was replaced by a pink monster who bore down on her with clenched fists and burning eyes.

"_STOP LYING TO ME!" _ Steven snarled, picking the pier up with his powers and shaking the planks down to their very foundation.

Letting out a whimper, all Kiki could do was curl up in a ball and protect Ronaldo's body from the incoming waves and sand as best she could.

The gem was all set to lay into them further when something suddenly caught his eye from just outside his periphery. The nearby schooners and sailboats were rattling against their anchors as they tried to fight against the raging swells and the current. Even with all the movement that his one-person hurricane was making, Steven could barely make out a small pink pronged device epoxyed onto the hull of a nearby boat. That looked by all accounts precisely like the one that made him so sick back in Little Homeworld.

Completely losing interest in Kiki and Ronaldo, Steven dropped the pier back into place with all the fanfare of a distracted toddler who had simply found a more interesting toy. Striding past them, he reached out for the device and yanked it from its place, taking a chunk of the hull with it thanks to his super-strength. A sting of static energy shot up his arm the second he touched it, along with a small lurch of vertigo, but with his new body, he was able to push past both those things fairly quickly now.

Oh sure, the device was still dangerous—just not to him, not anymore. White was right. He really _was_ outside the natural law, and the light that had broken down his diamond and irradiated his human body to the point of collapse couldn't do much of anything to him now.

Examining the very thing that had pretty much killed him hours earlier, all Steven could think was that it just didn't seem scary at all anymore.

None of the things that were holding him back did. 

"You know, I spent so many years trying to prove to myself that I was human enough to be one of you." He observed with a resigned little sigh, "But the truth is, there was never any real place for me here at all, was there? I must have seemed so pathetic to you guys, with how hard I was always trying to get close to you all. Is that the real reason you kept me around? Because you felt sorry for me? Or was it so I could be something to tell the tourists about—so I could be content for your blog." Steven's diamond eyes were slitted like a serpent as he noted, "After all, what would Beach City be if it wasn't _weird_, right Ronaldo?" 

"In the end, you guys are just like the Gems. You were just going to keep using me until there was nothing left." He declared. Steven had never felt more disconnected from this place and the people in it than he did right now. "I'm not like the rest of you, though, am I? I never was, and I think I'm done pretending to be." 

Too caught up in this newfound clarity to notice, a tiny spark of energy had shot off Steven's hand the minute it had connected with the crystal, and it was currently still trying to take shape.

It took several tries, but the little ball of static electricity was finally able to maintain the physical form of something that looked like a cross between a pink bunch of dandelion fluff and a Watermelon Steven.

Hoovering protectively around Kiki and Ronaldo, it continued to circle them like an overly friendly firefly until Kiki tried swatting it away.

“…_don’t_.” A voice rasped before a shaky hand reached out to stop her. "Kiki… that's Steven." 

Ronaldo had managed to crack open an eye as he said that, but the blue of his iris was almost soupy looking, and the pupil didn't seem to be able to dilate properly. He was looking straight past her, making him seem more like a melted store mannequin than a person right now. The boy's skin was blistered and sunburned all across the right side of his body, the blood vessels on his arm blown, which left the limb useless and currently paralyzed. A fair amount of blood leaked out of his ear, as his eardrum had almost ruptured from the blast.

Despite all his massive injuries, Ronaldo still flashed her a weak but triumphant little smirk. "I told you," He mumbled before sagging further against her, "The other one's… obviously an imposter." 

For now, all Kiki could do was take Ronaldo at his word for once. Stranger things had happened after all.

“If you really are, Steven.” She choked out to the little puffball, “If _any_ part of you is the real Steven Universe, then please, _please _help him.”

* * *

_Meanwhile…_

_—Beach City—_

_The shoreline outside Steven’s house…_

Allowing herself a few moments of weakness to cry all alone on a beach with only two cats of varying sizes to be her witness, Connie was finally able to pull her face out from Lion's mane as she blurrily got to her feet. Bundling Cat Steven up in her arms, she was all set to head back inside when the girl couldn't help but notice that someone was lingering at the edge of the water, slowly inching towards her.

No, not someone.

_Something._

The hair on the back of her neck prickling up, Connie was immediately seized with a sense of cold dread when she realized that the thing shuffling up the beach wasn't human at all.

At first, all it looked like was a black mist that was somehow attached to a strange little ball of static electricity. The creature had projected itself onto the sand like one of the old movie reels from her science class. It was utterly formless, nothing more than an inky blob, but then it started to shift and morph into something that could almost pass for a human shadow. A strange buzzing sound leaked out of the creature's mouth, but it didn't have any discernible features that she could recognize. And even though it had no eyes, Connie could tell it was staring right at her as it tried and failed to say something to her through all the interference.

Her first instinct was to run once it got close enough to attack her if it wanted to. Adrenaline kicking up, the girl reached over to grab her sword, unsure of what it could do against a phantom, but the sudden change in Lion's body language stopped her cold.

The big cat rose to his feet and let out a lazy yawn. Padding over to the terrifying black mass, Lion rumbled out a series of low chirps before greeting the specter like it was an old friend.

Connie had spent enough time with Steven's pet to know that Lion only acted like that for two people, and she happened to be one of the two. By the time the phantom reached out and laid a transparent hand on top of the creature's fuzzy head, she knew exactly who the person in front of her was.

“…_S-Steven_?”

If the fact Lion was rubbing his face against the formless thing's chest wasn't enough to convince her, the way the shadow's head bobbed in a self-conscious little nod once she called his name did the trick. Even if it didn't have a face or any real mass to it, that body language alone was pure Steven Universe.

"Steven is that—" She asked before stumbling over the sentence entirely, "How are you even here right now?" Connie had seen him transfer his consciousness into other things plenty of times before, but this was the first time Steven was doing it _without_ an actual body to inhabit.

The black mass didn't respond to that, taking a clumsy, dragging step towards her instead. 

Barreling forward, she reached out to meet him halfway. Throwing her arms around the shadow's midsection now that she was sure it was him, this was one ghost Connie would _never_ be able to be afraid of.

The minute they touched, her skin prickled like she had been shoved underwater, but the electric buzzing died down to a soft hum as familiar arms wrapped around her in a tight and loving embrace. It was like hugging a cloud, but she still buried her face against his shoulder, the rightness of what she found there absolute.

_There_ he was.

This was the _real_ Steven Universe. It didn't matter that he was cold as ice, that he didn't have an actual body or physical form.

She'd recognize this version of her best friend anywhere.

It was only when they were physically touching that Steven's shape began to come into view with any real clarity.

He was ashen gray even through all the static, and there was a gaping wound leaking blood onto his t-shirt, where it looked like someone had managed to rip his heart clean out of his chest. It looked so painful that Connie wasn't even sure how his _ghost_ was able to stand upright right now.

Steven's lip quirked since he could guess what she was thinking just from how she was staring at him. He still appreciated the sentiment, though. He wasn't 100% sure how he was here either, but if he had to guess, the other version of him had said it best, 'We put our hearts in the hands of other people.' That's how some small shred of the old Steven Universe had still managed to survive everything that had happened to him in his mindscape. Because his loved ones had each carried a piece of him with them this whole time. His feelings could never really be destroyed, not when his heart had never been entirely his in the first place. The power from that photonic crystal back on the boardwalk had just given him enough of a push to turn those feelings back into something physical, if only for a little while.

Steven wanted to tell Connie all of that, but he was already running out of time. He wouldn't be able to keep this form up for very much longer, and when that happened, whatever remained of this consciousness would probably disappear back into his other self for good.

"_Steven_, why aren't you saying anything?" Connie asked as her hand trailed over the mist that made up his cheek.

The boy tried to answer her, but every time he opened his mouth, only static came through.

His eyelids dropping to half-mast, he closed the distance between them and gently pressed his forehead against hers.

Instead of words, Connie suddenly found herself bombarded with a horrible flash of images and emotions. His empathetic powers showed her what had happened to Ronaldo and Kiki on the pier. She could hear his thoughts radiating through her, but it was less like with actual language and more like Connie could feel his emotions as intimately as if they were her own.

And the sight of what had happened to Ronaldo caused the bile in her throat to rise.

Steven's ghost let out a silent sigh, and she could tell by the look on his face just how sorry he was for making her have to experience that.

But he needed her to understand. The Steven that was in control right now was going to do horrible things to Beach City if no one stopped him.

He _needed_ to be stopped, no matter what.

"Don't even think like that, Steven." The girl quivered once she realized what exactly he meant by that. Chasing those dark thoughts from both their minds, she argued, "There's no way you're just giving up, do you understand?" The thought of him quitting on her again made her furious, but Connie still clung to Steven's torso as though the universe would rip him from her arms at any minute. 

"We're going to save you! Yellow and Blue Diamond are on their way from Homeworld right now to help you, so all you have to is just hold on a little longer." 

The sad, defeated little smile he gave her said it all.

Steven _wanted_ to believe, oh stars how he wanted to believe in her, in his family.

He just couldn't believe in himself anymore.

White may have twisted up his body and his mind to the point it was barely recognizable, but all of this was still him. The version of Steven Universe that was back on the dock wasn't some dark phantom that was just going to go away if everyone clicked their heels and believed in the power of faith, love, and pixie dust. 

It was all _him_. 

It had always been him. 

Every bad thought, every dark emotion that Steven had turned into a fake smile and a lie, every kernel of resentment that been festering inside of him for so long that he had lost count, all those things were still _his_ baggage. 

How do you even come back from something like that? Forget for a minute that his other half was so blinded by rage that he would probably start blowing up the east coast or build a Legion of Doom. How could he ever hope to fix any of this when he had never realized just how broken and damaged _he_ was in the first place?! 

"I don't know, but you try. That's what you've always done before, Mister ‘Savior of the Galaxy'." Connie growled at him, her face splotchy, chin covered in tear tracks as she let out a shuddering breath. "You just try." 

It was a strange sight, seeing the manifestation of someone's consciousness look so cowed by a few sharp words, but Steven never really had been able to hold his own against Connie Maheswaran when she was this angry at him.

“You _always_ believe the best in other people.” She told him fiercely, "That part's always been easy for you." Glaring up at him, Connie asked, "What I want to know is, when did you stop believing in _yourself_, Steven?" 

The way she said that caused Steven to flinch as if she had just socked him in the gut, despite not having any of the vital organs or body parts at the moment.

This wasn't a 'Buck up, champ! Stop feeling so down, don't you know that you're great?!' line of questioning like he sometimes got from the Gems. The ones that left Steven feeling bitter and more misunderstood than ever.

The truth hurt, but as usual, Connie was right. 

When _had_ he stopped believing in himself?

When had he started thinking that he just wasn't worth the trouble?

When had he started second-guessing himself all the time like this?

How long had it been since he had been able to let his guard down enough to let someone help him? 

The static around him was starting to swallow him up before he could answer, which meant he really was out of time. Steven barely had any strength at all left, most of his physical form beginning to dematerialize as it faded back into the little pink puffball.

“No, wait!” His best friend exclaimed as she started to lose her grip on him. Even though the lock Connie had on him should have been hard enough to bruise an average person right now, her fingers began to pass straight through him despite how much she was trying to keep him there, "Stay with me!" 

He wanted to stay. Of course, Steven wanted to stay, but he couldn't, no matter how much he wished differently.

With the last ounce of energy that he could still muster up, the teen leaned forward and gave her a feather-light kiss on the temple.

_“I'll try.”_ His voice whispered, barely audible from inside her head, _“I'm not giving up, Connie. I know you can save me. But **please** save Ronaldo first."_

_To be continued…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in today’s notes, I’m stepping out of the realm of hard science and talking a little about the paranormal and many of the theories in the ghost hunting communities that revolve around electromagnetism influences haunting. If you’ve ever seen a ghost show, they usually involve a bunch of 20 something-year-old dudes with faux-hawks stumbling around in the dark and shouting into the void using EMF detectors. That’s because electromagnetic radiation is often associated with and used to measure the presence of ghosts. It is thought that spirits create and emit their own EM field. This is based on the fact that the human brain uses tiny electronic impulses in order not only to think but also to control our bodies. It is believed that these electric impulses can travel like radio waves even after death.  
Several experiments by scientists have also demonstrated that low-frequency sound waves, known as infrasound (along the same line as infrared waves, which we talked about earlier), can cause phenomena that people typically associate with ghosts. This includes feelings of nervousness and discomfort as well as a sense of a presence in the room. The sound waves may also vibrate the human eye, causing people to see things that may or may not be there. Usually, these waves have frequencies of less than 20 Hz, so they are too low-pitched for people actually to perceive. Rather than noticing the sound itself, people notice its effects instead as it can give off anything from vertigo to the idea that something or someone is in the room with you even if you’re alone.  
People have cemented a connection between ghosts and technology for centuries. There are tons of examples of these manifestations of the paranormal using EM radiation all over popular culture, usually in TV and radio. Ghosts scuttling out of television screens and voices talking through the radio in a threatening dulcet are not only scary, but there is an element of scientific credibility to the idea, especially if ghosts need EM waves to manifest. Both radio and tv waves are also part of the EM pink light spectrum, one that say a Diamond, like Pink or Steven, would be able to have control over. This also backs up many of Steven’s already established mind powers that are canon in the show, such as how he can transfer over things like his dreams or intense emotions onto his tv set. It also explains in better detail his ability to astral project and how he can manifest his consciousness outside his own body (which is usually in the form of a Watermelon Steven). He’s using EM waves the same way a ghost would. So in the case of our story, since he didn’t have an actual body to inhabit this time, I used the power inside the photonic crystal and the fact Evil!Steven is a superconductor to give that little shred of repressed consciousness just enough time to manifest into a real “spirit” for at least enough time to try to get Ronaldo and Kiki’s help. I hope that wasn’t too much of a plot saving acorn, but again there IS at least a kernel of scientific evidence there to explain the events that just occurred.  
And in truth, since we’re talking about it, I actually think Steven Universe would be a magnet for the paranormal if he ever came across any real ghosts in or around Beach City, considering his electromagnetic powers and just being a Diamond in general. Something that would seriously suck for the kid since Steve-o has made it very clear that he’s not exactly fond of things that go bump in the night.


	32. Flaws stitched together with good intentions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it."  
-Marcus Aurelius
> 
> Hi everyone, I hope things are good and that everyone is staying safe and healthy. After creeping myself out a little with how close some of the things from this story managed to parallel with the canon, I wanted to hang back and wait until the Steven Universe finale to update, just to make sure I wasn't copying any of the events that would play out in the actual series. With that said, updates will probably go back to being a lot more frequent now that I actually have the rest of the story drafted and know exactly where I want to go with the events that follow.
> 
> As always, I appreciate you all so much for reading and commenting, as it's been amazing getting to be a part of this community here on AO3. You guys are the best.

_—Beach City—_

_The Beach House…_

The afternoon sun had been darkened by a strange mist that had crept in on the ocean waves, seeping through the shoreline and carpeting the beach and boardwalk. High above Beach City, the clouds were heavy with rain and the hum of electricity, but the water wouldn’t fall no matter how black they got. Instead, the clouds were encircling the town like rows of coiled snakes, walling the little seaside community off from the rest of the world like the specters of some nightmare. Even the sounds from Funland seemed muted somehow as if the noises themselves had been twisted and altered by an unseen hand.

The whole town looked as though it had been spirited away.

Inside the house, the tension was almost as thick as the clouds blocking off Beach City since most of the remaining gems had fallen into a sullen silence as they tried and failed to come up with a plan on what to do until the Diamonds would arrive. 

“I just can’t believe he could this to us.” Pearl murmured dejectedly from her spot on the sofa.

Turning away from the looming storm outside, Amethyst found she couldn’t take it anymore.

“He didn’t do this to us; this _happened_ to him, Pearl!” She exploded, slamming both hands on the coffee table as hard as she could.

Recoiling as if she had expected to be hit instead of the table, Pearl gaped at her with wide child-like eyes.

“Don’t you get it? We’re the ones to blame here, not Steven!” The little quartz groused as she tried to keep her voice from shaking, “Everything that he said to us back there, it was the truth! And yeah, sure, White Diamond may have done a real number on Steven’s body, but us, we’re the ones that broke his heart. This is all our fault.” 

Hot, ugly tears spilled down her face, but she didn’t stop them as she gritted out, “Do you know how many centuries I spent feeling awful about like my entire existence? Just knowing that I came from the same kind of place as the things that the Crystal Gems were trying so hard to fight against, it messed with my head for years. I always _hated_ myself because I thought that deep down, no matter what I did, I would always be bad.” 

Plopping down on the sofa, Amethyst squeezed the other’s gem thigh and explained, “It wasn’t until we had that stupid fight back at the kindergarten that I finally realized that the only person in our family who saw me that way was _me._ But that’s the thing, P; it wasn’t until you told me that none of the things that happened there was my fault that I was finally able to get past all that. Because sometimes, just loving someone isn’t enough. Sometimes the only way that a person can understand how you feel about them is if you _tell_ them.” 

“And we never told him.” Pearl finished quietly, covering Amethyst’s hand with her own, “So it’s no wonder that he thinks we made him feel guilty just for existing.” 

Trying to stifle a sob with her free palm, the gem continued, “He always knew how much we loved him, we were always telling him _that_. But we never once told Steven that he was worth it; that he was worth everything that had happened to us.” While it was still hard to admit out loud, Pearl was surprised by just how much she meant it when she said, “Even... the part where we lost Rose.” 

“Oh, Amethyst, I knew that something was wrong, that something’s been bothering him for months now.” Pearl hiccuped, “It wasn’t just what happened with Spinel or Burrito Steven Day. He’s been pulling away from us more and more lately; none of his smiles ever reach his eyes anymore. And while he’s always willing to share his happiness with us, he never tells us anything that he thinks might make us worry.” Lowering her gaze, she quivered, “I just thought that after all of _my _secrets, that I had no right to ask him what was going on. I just thought that when he was ready, he would tell me.” Trailing off, all she could do was make a little motion with her hands since she couldn’t find the words to describe how powerless she felt.

“We really _are_ bad at this.” Amethyst echoed miserably. “What on earth made us think that we could ever take care of Steven in the first place?” 

“Okay, so you guys screwed up, _congratulations_.” Lars exclaimed, “Now you’re regular smucks just like the rest of us. You two can expect your membership cards and our monthly newsletter in the mail in 4 to 6 weeks.” 

Seeing their despondent faces, the pink teen sighed, “Look, it would be great if people could go through life without making any mistakes, but it just doesn’t work that way. Falling on your butt, getting lost in space because you ran into a flying saucer instead of _out_ of it, missing out on your first love because you just couldn’t see a good thing when you had it. It happens. We all mess up, okay? That’s pretty much how you know you're alive.” 

“The problem with you gems isn’t that you can’t learn from your mistakes and fix things on your own; you just never learned how to deal with them in the first place. Someone else usually fixes your mistakes for you, and that someone is usually _Steven Universe_.” Groaning, Lars tried to steer the conversation somewhere actually productive, “Argh! The _point_ is that just sitting here isn’t getting us any closer to helping Steven or saving Beach City. So what are we going to do? Because Steven isn’t here right now. So how are _we_ going to fix this?”

Rising to her feet, Amethyst declared, “Oh, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going out there, and I’m not going to stop until I find my little man and I bring him home. And after that, I’m going to spend every minute letting Steven know just how much he’s wanted. Because no one deserves to feel like they did something wrong just for being made; I should know that better than anyone.” 

“So am I!” Pearl agreed, “I always wanted Steven to feel like he never had to hide anything from me, that I’d accept him no matter what. But how can I be that person for him when he feels like he always has to be the one to protect _me_?” Fists clenched, she proclaimed, “Well, I’m not going to be that weak pearl anymore. From now on, it’s my job to protect him.” 

“Alright!” Lars grinned, “Now that’s more like the Crystal Gems I know.” 

“Hey, so um sorry to interrupt the pep talk and all,” Lapis called from her spot by the windows, “But I have two questions.” 

“First, has anyone seen Connie?” The gem inquired before pointing to the vast, dark cyclone that had all but turned the afternoon sun black, “And second, that wasn’t there a minute ago, was it?” 

* * *

_—Beach City—_

_The Boardwalk…_

In the eye of the raging storm that was building up around him, Steven had left Ronaldo and Kiki back on the docks and now seemed fully invested in finding all the remaining photonic crystals around the boardwalk instead. With all the glee of a child collecting seashells, he had just managed to fish the sixth one out from the halogen lights overlooking the entrance to Funland when the area on one of the nearby schooners ripped opened to a hole in space, as Lion and Connie burst onto the scene.

“Kiki, Ronaldo! Are you guys okay?” Connie cried out, sliding off Lion’s back and immediately rushing to the older teen’s side. “We came as soon as we could.” 

“Connie?” Kiki stammered, “B-but, how did you even know we were here?” 

A pink ball of light tumbled out of Lion’s mane and tottered towards her in response to that.

“It really _is_ you, Steven!” She blurted out as her fingers lightly brushed against the ball’s static outline, “I can’t believe Ronaldo was actually right about something for once.” 

“You know, I’m right here, Kiki.” The boy in question scowled, “Can you at least wait until I pass out again before you start questioning my credibility?” 

Shrugging sheepishly, Kiki allowed herself few seconds of normality between her and her friend before hefting him up so that Connie could get a better look at his injuries.

It looked like Ronaldo’s entire right side had suffered from Lichtenberg burns where the blood vessels in his arm had burst due to the electric discharge. The newly formed scars branched out from his neck to his thumb like the limbs of a tree, tracing the exact path the electricity had taken as it traveled. Luckily this meant that the burns had been relatively superficial compared to what could have happened to him, but Ronaldo still needed a doctor, and he needed one _fast_.

Having lowered himself onto the ground so Connie and Kiki could get work together to get the injured boy safely mounted on his back, Lion suddenly went shocked still as the other version of Steven Universe approached the party.

“Hi, Connie.” The young man said pleasantly, acting as if he hadn’t nearly crushed her back on Homeworld just a few hours earlier. “Say, you haven’t seen any more of these things lying around, have you?” He asked enthusiastically, holding up one of the newly collected crystals for her to inspect.

But before she could respond, Lion put himself between Steven and the human teenager, using his own body as a protective barrier against what he saw as an oncoming threat.

And for once in his life, Lion didn't seem happy to see his owner _at all_.

Irises flashing, the cat’s teeth were barred, his ears pressed to his skull as the normally docile animal let out a deep growl as he warned the boy not to take another step closer.

It was such a night and day reaction from the way that Lion had treated Steven’s ghost back on the shore that Connie could barely believe that he was responding to the _same _person.

The paper-thin smile that crept onto Steven’s face as he stopped approaching them made it apparent that he was surprised too.

While Lion would protect Connie and others if pushed, they all knew that they were in the presence of a much more dangerous predator right now. And despite the warning coming out of the creature’s mouth, Lion was doing a lousy job of hiding how scared he was of _this_ Steven.

It was a shame, though, the youth mused to himself as he met the big cat’s stare head-on. He vaguely remembered that he used to be such an animal lover.

Putting his hands up in surrender, the half-gem tried to keep his tone friendly and reassuring, “You don’t have to huff and puff like that, buddy. You can have them. I’m actually glad that you came to pick up our friends when you did. Because eventually, this place will be half a mile under the ocean. So, it’s perfect timing, really.” 

That was until he noticed the fuzzy little projection of light floating just above Lion’s tail.

“Oooooh.” The boy asserted as everything suddenly fell into place, “I see. So that’s it. That’s how it is. I was wondering why it got so quiet in my head all of a sudden.” 

Extending his hand out, Steven’s gravitational pull shifted, instantly forcing the little ball of light to come barreling towards him.

Despite its best efforts to fight against the current, it was no match against the power the Diamond was controlling. And in a matter of seconds, the last vestiges of the old Steven Universe’s consciousness found itself firmly locked in his counterpart’s clutches.

“You just don’t know when to give up, do you, champ?” He mused, holding the little ball up to his face like a cat who had caught the canary. “And hey, what do you know! I can actually sympathize with White Diamond right now. It _does_ get a little tiresome having to repress the worst parts of yourself all the time.” 

Without another word or explanation, the boy shoved the small cluster of energy into his mouth and proceeded to swallow it whole.

"STEVEN!” Connie screamed as she watched her friend’s light disappear down the other boy’s gullet.

“Oh no, Connie. You have it all wrong. That thing wasn’t me; it was just a shadow of all the things I had to get rid of in order to be better. I’m the real Steven Universe.” Steven tried to explain to her, “Can’t you see that I’ve changed? Now I’m not that same weak, useless loser anymore. The one who was dumb enough to keep letting people rip him apart all so he could make everyone else happy.” 

But to his annoyance, Connie didn’t seem very convinced.

Instead, she was just staring at him with this strange mix of repulsion and pity.

And seeing her like that made him strangely—angry. _Really_ angry.

Steven could usually tolerate anything Connie Maheswaran threw at him, but this, he _hated_ it when he thought she felt sorry for him.

“You know, I actually thought you of all people could appreciate that.” He declared icily, “But I guess I should have known better. Because the truth is you never wanted a friend in the first place, did you? You just wanted a pet, some doormat that could take you on all these magical adventures before you could just decide you were bored with me and then go back to being normal.” The look of betrayal on his face was almost too much for her to bear as he seethed, “You’re _just_ like everyone else, aren’t you?” 

“Steven, what on earth are you talking about?” Connie stammered.

“Oh, come on, Connie. Even I couldn’t help but sometimes wonder if deep down our friendship was just a way for you to play out your little hero fantasy; if I really was just the Archimicarus to your Lisa.” The Diamond sneered. “But unlike their story, ours isn’t going to end with a wedding, and a cake, is it? After all, you _hated _that ending.”

Before she could answer, his voice suddenly seemed to be coming from right behind her. “Admit it,” He breathed, “We both know I stopped being worth your time a long time ago.” 

The boy had created his own portal and was now standing directly behind her.

Little by little, Steven was learning how to control all this power raging inside of him. And how did the old saying go? Oh right. Anything Mom could do, he was going to learn how to do _better_.

Which meant he didn’t need Lion anymore, either.

He didn’t need anyone.

“Steven, are you _kidding_ me?” The girl exclaimed as she whirled around to face him, “I know you’re not in a good place right now, but where is all this coming from?” 

“And do you actually think that you’re the only one who’s been afraid of something like that?” She asked, dumbfounded, “Because that’s exactly how I felt the first year, we became friends!” 

Connie could tell just by his slight fidgeting that he honestly hadn’t been expecting her to react like this, not when everyone else was so afraid of him. So she just went with it and hoped that maybe there was still enough of the old Steven left in there to get through to him.

“I was always so scared that one day you’d just wake up and realize how dull and boring I really was.” The girl confessed to him, “And when that happened, you wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore. You were so special, and you had all these grownups who relied on you and believed in you even when you were struggling to learn how to control your powers. How on earth was some nerdy little bookworm whose parents barely trusted her to cross the street supposed to compare to all of that?” Sighing, she leveled with him, “But it didn’t take me long to realize just how silly I was being by thinking that way. Because I never had to prove anything to you, Steven. You were the first person who ever liked me just the way I was.” 

Taking a massive step into his personal space, Connie growled, “Which is why you don’t get to underestimate me like this now. Treat you like a pet? I’ve never treated you like that! And what’s worse, what makes you think that now that we’re older, that I’m going to be the one that leaves _you_ behind? When are you going to get it through that thick skull of yours that I’m not going anywhere?!” 

“How can you even say that when you already left?” The boy said in a strangled voice, unwilling to let those sweet words of hers blind him from the truth, “Face it, we _never_ hang out the way we used to anymore. I barely get to see you at all anymore. In fact, in the last two years that I’ve been dismantling the empire, I think I’ve spent more time with people from other parts of the galaxy than I do with you.” The anger had finally burnt itself out enough for some of his sadness to come through instead as he muttered, “I’ve always tried so hard to make time for you no matter how busy things got, but _you_ keep using school and studying as an excuse to push me away. I know all that stuff’s always been important to you, but these days it just feels like you’re using it as a way to drift further and further away.” 

“Steven…” Connie recoiled in shock. “H-how long have you felt like this?” 

“It doesn’t matter.” He fumed, his eyes going dark again before he snarled, “But if being around me is so terrible for you, then you should at least have the decency to tell me that you don’t want to be with me anymore!” 

Despite how chaotic and unbalanced his thoughts were right now, the weight of those words hit Connie as if she had gotten slammed by a freight train.

Was there a sliver of truth to what Steven had just accused her of? 

Was it possible that a part of her really had been running away? 

After all, she _had_ been throwing herself headfirst into her studies as of late. And was the reason she was trying to finish high school early because it was the best plan for her, or because it gave her some modicum of control over her life? Did reducing her world to block schedules and fifteen-minute study breaks really give her the edge that she needed to capture her dreams, or did it just make it _easier_ to forget how out of control things in her life had been up until now?

Two years ago, when Steven had needed her most, all Connie could do was sit there and watch as her best friend had been ripped in two. Despite all that hard work, all the training they had gone through, Connie still hadn’t been able to stop any of it from happening to him. The only thing that she had been able to do was to carry his dying body over to his gem half and hope that she wasn’t too late to save him. Even now, she still couldn’t forget how powerless that had made her feel.

“Steven, of course, I still want to be with you.” She answered, trying her best to be as honest with him as she could now that he had knocked her worldview for a loop. “I love my life with you and the gems, but I get to have a life outside of you guys too.” 

“I know you do.” He professed. Even with his new height and all the other physical changes, Steven’s shoulders still slumped the same way they always did whenever he got upset like this. “And I never want to hold you back from anything, Connie. You’re so smart, and I know you’re going to go off and do amazing things in the future.” Faltering, he vented, “I guess I was just scared that I wasn’t going to get to be a part of it.” 

“You were always going to be a part of my future, silly.” She reassured him. “So, don’t worry.” 

“No. I won’t be.” 

And just like that, the person she thought she knew better than anyone seemed to be replaced by someone else entirely.

Dead, vacant eyes stared down at her as he stated, “I don’t get to have a future anymore, Connie. Mine was stolen from me.” 

Letting out a weak laugh, Steven fought with the humor of the situation and decided it was his turn to reassure her. “But hey, that’s okay! Because after tonight, a lot of other people won’t have a future either. So it won’t matter that mine was taken from me. Because, after tomorrow, the future isn’t going to mean anything to anybody anymore! It won’t exist here in Beach City.” 

Reaching out for her, the gem retraced the lines of her face with his hand while making sure not to touch her. “I can’t think of anything more perfect than that. Can you?” He breathed, his palm just millimeters away from the soft skin on her cheek.

There was so much malice behind the glowing gemstones that now made up his eyes that Connie couldn’t help but feel like she was being burned alive just by looking at them. 

“Steven, you know I can’t just let you do that.” She stated firmly, despite the fear that was seeping into her chest, “Whatever you’re planning, it sounds like it could hurt a lot of innocent people.” 

“I know Strawberry. And you wouldn’t be you if you didn’t try.” He said affectionately before another wormhole appeared behind him. Exiting into the newly created space with a playful little sidestep, he added, “But, do you really think you can stop me?” 

And just like that, he was gone, only his voice remaining as it teased, “After all, Connie, you are only _human_.” 

_To be continued…_


	33. No rest for the wicked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In today's episode, Steven and his ghost have a heart to heart.
> 
> This is a shorter-ish chapter, but since the next part of the story focuses heavily on Wilmington, Greg, and Buddy, it felt weird to lump the two together. Hopefully, it's still an enjoyable read despite not being the 5k length I've gotten used to cracking out for you guys. 
> 
> Also, sorry for the long hiatus. I wound up catching COVID in April and got way behind on my classes due to it knocking me on my butt for most of the month. From there, I spent most of May and the first part of June trying not to flunk out of my Ph.D. program. Then my lease ran out this month, and I just finished moving into my new place. So now that all that's behind me, I'm hoping I can resume posting on a more frequent schedule from here on out. 
> 
> And lastly, many of you have left kind comments regarding my absence, and I wanted to thank you. I apologize for not answering sooner and falling off the face of the earth for a bit.

_—The Earth’s Core—_

The walls of the inner sanctum where the Cluster lay dormant looked so different from the last time Steven had been here.

Strange how that felt like it was a lifetime ago now.

Encased in a bubble almost as large as the one the Cluster slept in, Spinel’s bio-poison lay in a massive puddle of noxious pink at its center. Watching it, Steven couldn’t help but be reminded of the old Pepto-Bismol bottles he’d have to clean out of the backseat of his dad’s van sometimes, especially when Greg got a little too enthusiastic about chili dogs. The ooze played with the light cascading off the sleeping gem fragments in a way that caused the walls around them to be painted in an eerie pink glow.

It made the whole area feel sick somehow.

Pink hands reached up to rest on the bubble’s surface, and it was funny how well suited to each other both he and the poison seemed—almost like they were a matched pair.

After all, it was just as toxic and dangerous as he was now.

“You don’t have to be.” A voice told him, forcing the teenager to look to his right just as the ghost of who he used to be, materialized on the other side of the bubble.

“You don’t have to accept this version of yourself.” His ghost implored, “It’s not too late to stop all this.”

The other boy looked so little in comparison to the person he was now. He had waxy translucent skin and blue-tinted lips that pursed as he met Steven’s gaze head-on. All the while, blood continued to leak out of the empty, cavernous wound where his missing heart should have been.

Despite how bad his injuries were, though, the live version of the pair still couldn’t help but hate the ghost for reminding him of the fact that he wasn’t the real Steven Universe anymore.

“Are you still here?” He scoffed.

“Of course, I am.” The phantom replied before his lips tugged into a sad little smile, “Why wouldn’t I be? We both know that you’ve _always_ given too much power to your ghosts, Steven.”

Frizzling at that, his counterpart did everything he could to ignore his unwelcome visitor and focus on the last few details of his master plan.

“You know the funny thing,” The specter mused, despite the fact he was getting the cold shoulder. “Is that people don’t even have to die in order to become ghosts to us, do they? They just have to be someone who hurt us. They just have to be someone who _leaves_.”

Steven was silent, finding a particularly exciting spot on the wall to glare a hole at instead of answering him.

“That’s not all a ghost can be, though,” The hallucination explained, “A memory, a secret, a wish. But, most times, ghosts are just something we want to see.”

Reaching out to touch his twin’s shoulder, the spirit sighed, “Steven, your ghosts can’t bully you if you don’t let them. That’s why you’ve got to stop letting the past control you! Sure some terrible stuff has happened to us through the years, and you’re allowed to be angry that it happened. But even a good excuse is still just that in the end—an excuse.”

Ripping his arm away from the smaller boy’s grasp, Steven snapped, “So what then?! You want me to _what_, go back to the Gems? I say I’m sorry, and we sing and hug and pretend none of this ever happened?!” Sucking in a rush of air so he could fight back a sneer, he bit out, “Sorry, but we both know that I can’t do that.”

The ‘even if I wanted to’ was left unsaid, but they both knew it was there.

“Besides, can you honestly tell me that you would _want_ to go back to how things were even if we could?” He demanded, “Don’t you remember how trapped we were? This is the only way that we can be free!”

“Well, what good is being free if it means we end up all alone?” The other him reasoned.

Staring each other down, an uncomfortable silence set in between the two. One that felt even more oppressive than the poison surrounding them since it was weighed down by so many unanswered questions and jumbled thoughts.

Lowering his gaze, Steven’s alter ego took a pensive step forward. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry,” The ghost confessed, and it was strange how that Steven could still be so earnest and forthright despite being, well, dead. Deciding to be brave and maybe even a little foolhardy, the spirit closed the distance between himself and the other teen. “I never should have made you carry all this pain by yourself for so long.” He said, and before the diamond could even react, two whispy little arms wrapped around him.

“Wha—” Was all the taller boy could get out, his voice reverberating in his throat as hands fisted into the back of his shirt before pulling him close.

There was so much sincerity shining back at him through those stupid puppy dog eyes that Steven couldn’t help making a small, startled noise as he was hugged tight.

“Why are you, sorry?” The youth mumbled as he let his head sag against the other’s shoulder. “Why are you the one that’s _always_ sorry?”

That was fair. Steven Universe always _had_ apologized too much, hadn’t he? Even for the things that weren’t his fault. It had always just seemed like the easiest way to keep the peace before. Besides, if he was the one who was sorry, then that just that meant no one else had to feel guilty. That had always seemed like such a small price to pay to make everyone happy.

But this wasn’t like those other times; this was something he still needed to do. Because even if this version of Steven Universe wasn’t real anymore, even if he didn’t exist outside of this place, the old Steven felt like he owed himself this.

He owed this to the heartbroken, angry little boy that he had tried so hard to pretend he wasn’t.

“I know.” The original acknowledged, bringing a hand up to cradle the larger teen’s head. “But the truth is you were right. I _did_ bury you; I hid you as far away as I could. I couldn’t admit to myself just how bad things had really gotten, how trapped I was feeling. So I just ran away from my problems instead. I hated how stuck I was becoming, but I had no idea how I was supposed to fix it. Admitting to myself that you existed meant that I had to come to terms with the fact that I wasn’t the person that everyone thought I was. And there was no way that I was strong enough to admit that, not even to myself.”

“I never meant for any of this to happen, but,” The spirit whispered, “I’m so sorry that I didn’t take better care of our heart.”

“Shut up, SHUT UP, _SHUT UP!” _ Steven snarled ferociously, wrenching his eyes shut and pressing his hands to his skull.

This was the last thing he wanted to hear, especially from himself!

Besides, it’s not like apologizing could _fix_ anything, not when it was way too late to change anything that had happened to him.

Despite everything that had passed between them, Steven’s ghost was still achingly kind to him as he said, “More than anything, though, I’m sorry that you had to go through all this.”

He was saying this to every version of Steven Universe, not just the repressed him who was lashing out at an unfair world. This was for the Steven, who had always played the good tin soldier, smiling brightly so that the world wouldn’t see just how rusted up his insides were. It was for the bright-eyed idealistic child he used to be, and for the jaded and bitter adult he prayed he wouldn’t become—not to mention every other Steven in between.

“I’m sorry that no one ever asked you what it was that _you_ wanted. I’m sorry that no one was there to take some of the weight off your shoulders, even if it was just for a little while. I’m sorry that you’ve felt so alone and so unheard all this time. I love you, I do, and I’m sorry.”

But the very thought of opening his heart up to love again, even love from _himself_, caused a low guttural sound to leak out of Steven’s mouth before he could stop it. One might have almost mistaken it for a sob if it wasn’t for the fact that he no longer had any memory of what it felt like to cry.

Instead of tears, the youth’s teeth were grinding, body trembling, insides boiling. Suddenly he felt like he had just run a marathon, his face flushed and hot.

Fists clenched at his sides, his body locked up again as all that rage came surging back up from inside him, dragging the sadness back down into the dark. It bubbled up past the edges of his sanity, and Steven suddenly found himself reaching for it, desperate for it in the same way an addict would reach for a pipe.

He needed his anger because, without it, all there would be left is pain, so much _pain_, and he couldn’t remember how to fix the damaged parts of himself anymore, not without his powers, not without his healing tears.

Something in his mind just gave way, drowning out anything else his former self had to say, and he let it; he didn’t fight it at all as his fury surged up over the precipice and washed away everything in a blaze of pink.

It wasn’t just that it was so much easier being angry than it was dealing with his broken heart, but this was one apology that Steven refused to accept. He didn’t care if part of what the other him was saying was true; he wasn’t going to _allow_ himself to shoulder the blame to make everyone else feel better this time.

Not this time—**NOT THIS TIME.**

All around him, energy began to surge through the air, heating the room to the point that Spinel’s bio-poison started to fizzle and hiss even from within the protective shield of its bubble.

In the distance, Steven could hear someone’s cries, pleading with him to stop, begging him to fight. But he could barely think at all right now; everything seemed so far away compared to the roaring inferno inside his head. So he didn’t even notice when the small body that had been wrapped around him started to break down and disappear, leaving behind only smoldering ash.

* * *

By the time he finally came back to his senses, Steven didn’t know exactly how much time had passed, only that now he was all alone.

Looking from one end of the cave to the other, there was no sign of the other boy anywhere to be found.

The memories of the last hour were little more than flash frames in his mind, clouded and torn along the edges. And the more the teen tried to remember just what had taken place, the more he found that he couldn’t. Small little flickers of what might have been regret were licking at his insides, searing through all the usual numbness and haze. It was that fact and that fact alone that made him sure that whatever he had done to cause the sudden absence of his other self must have been something terrible.

“I-I didn’t mean—I-I wasn’t trying to,” He stammered to the empty, expansive space.

_Come back. Please, please, come back._

Steven had always resented the passive part of his personality. He hated it for making him feel weak, for being the little twist of guilt that always made it so easy for him to rip his own heart out for the sake of other people. But that didn’t mean that he wanted it gone for _good._

A simper spilled out of his mouth before it morphed into a peal of laughter. The laughter was sharp like barbed wire, racking through Steven’s body to the point it was almost painful. But he couldn’t control it; all he could do was curl in on himself as the demented little sounds continued to tumble out of him.

It wouldn’t stop, it just wouldn’t stop!

Not even when he started to feel like he might be sick—when it started getting hard to breathe and his stomach cramped as his muscles began to burn. It just kept pouring out of him like he was a man possessed.

“You were wrong.” He gulped out to the empty air, knowing full well the other Steven couldn’t hear him anymore, “You were wrong! I do have to accept this version of myself. No matter how hard I tried, I was never going to be able to keep pretending to be you. Not when I’m like this, not when I turned out to be just like _them_.”

“I’m a Diamond.” The teen admitted, and stars, he was practically choking on the words, that’s how bad it felt actually to say that out loud. “Which means I was never really supposed to protect people in the first place, was I? My true nature isn’t to help people; it’s to destroy things. So, of course, I failed. Of course, I’m not a hero; I mean, how could I be? Not when _this_ was my destiny all along!”

“That’s why in the end, what White did to me never actually changed me at all, did it?” He breathed, madness whirling in his eyes.

The truth that he had never wanted to admit about himself had finally been laid out in all its gruesome clarity, and Steven knew he couldn’t deny what he was anymore.

“No.” He realized, “No, it just brought to the surface _everything_ bad that was already there.”

_"Isn’t it remarkable, Steven?" Rose’s voice asked, “This world is full of so many possibilities. Each living thing has an entirely unique experience. The sights they see, the sounds they hear. The lives they live are so complicated... a-and so simple. I can’t wait for you to join them.” _

That was a lie. All of it had just been more of Mom’s cruel lies. He had _never_ been one of them, no matter how much either of them had wanted him to be.

_“You’re going to be something extraordinary. You’re going to be a human being.”_

Steven wasn’t, though; he was a Diamond. He had always been a Diamond.

Which meant he was never supposed to be the savior of anything. He had always been destined to be this _thing_, to be a tyrant, an oppressor, an invader.

Invader...

That’s right. After all, that’s what the government was saying about him, what the news outlets and online chat forums reported. It was the whole reason the army had marched on Little Homeworld in the first place. The humans needed to disarm and capture the evil alien horde leader before he could plan his next attack.

Well gosh, if the Governor wanted an alien invader that _badly_ then maybe it was high time that Steven Universe started living up to the name.

_To be continued..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today’s notes section is filled to the brim with psychology, but I wanted to add some further commentary to things now that Future is over. 
> 
> You see, when we’re young, if we are fortunate, our parents/caretakers meet all of our most fundamental needs. However, if a child is never allowed to see themselves as entirely autonomous, they often become a stuck adult later in life.  
Parentification is a toxic family dynamic that is rarely ever talked about here in the US. Still, it’s what happens when parents cannot cope with what it means to be a parent to their child. As a result, the child ends up taking over the parenting duties for their family, becoming the caretaker, mediator, protector, or whatever else they feel their family needs. This happens not because the adults maliciously try to harm the child, but because the child intuitively picks up on emotionally unstable conditions in the parent’s life and takes it upon themselves to provide care and support for the family. However, taking on roles that require huge amounts of responsibility at a young age can do crazy amounts of damage to a young child’s psyche.
> 
> So here’s where we’re going to get into the weeds when it comes to the failings of Steven’s caretakers. And I know some of you have some strong opinions about Greg, but please let me explain my thought process before coming after me with pitchforks and torches.
> 
> The first and foremost is simply maturity. 
> 
> (Now, as a guy in his early twenties who writes manifestos about a children’s TV show, maybe I’m not the best person to be lecturing folks on maturity) but the simple truth is that some people are just emotionally limited despite their best intentions. You see, immature parents are often guilty of being unable to separate their childhoods, especially their past traumas, from that of their kid’s life. Sound familiar yet? Now I know this is a really controversial take on a very well-loved character, but if ‘Mr. Universe’ showed me anything it is that Greg is an immature parent.
> 
> Now immature parents are not ‘bad people,’ but they do tend to be children living in adults’ bodies and often have a limited capacity on how to actually ‘adult.’ They usually try their best, but most of the time, they are unable to offer their kids what they need to be children due to dealing with their own messy lives.  
So, as a result, what happens to kids of immature parents, is that sometimes they are traumatized even when no one has actively done anything physical to harm them.  
This is known as an invisible pain, and in Steven’s case, it’s is not about what was done to him, but what was not done. Steven was never allowed to be a kid, to have those messy, complicated childish emotions, and grow at his own pace. Because of Greg’s lack of parenting in this capacity, he also had a severe lack of quality time with children his age, which is pretty pivotal to our social development. He was also denied the chance to go to school, which meant Steven never gained any basic knowledge about the world or any real in-depth understanding of his human side. From the get-go, it’s obvious that Greg never intended to harm the son he obviously loves so much, but on a deeper level, we, the audience, can see that because of these holes in his upbringing, Steven often does not feel like he has strong connections to his humanity.
> 
> When a child is the one that becomes the counselor, confidant, problem-solver, emotional regulator, and the one everyone always counts on, they are given all the responsibilities in a situation, but none of the power. Steven’s trauma comes from the fact that regardless of how mature someone in his position might act, they are still only a kid.  
So, from the get-go, these kids learn that the only safe thing to do is to rise above their pain. They might be angry, but the only solution is to suppress it. They might be depressed, but all they can do is hide it and soldier on. It’s never a conscious choice that these children make, but often suppressing their feelings is the only option these kids think they have. Especially when your caretakers tend only to praise you for what you do for them and not who you are like the Gems did. So, of course, your internalized inner critic starts to evaluate each one of your successes continually and begins to equate love with usefulness. And this is where the Gems are guilty of causing Steven irreparable damage. 
> 
> Ultimately both Greg and the Gems have hurt Steven and contributed to his trauma in ways that I feel even surpass what the Diamonds did to him at points. This is one reason why I was pretty disappointed that all of this wasn’t addressed more in the series finale. But hey, that’s what fanfiction is for, right?


End file.
